MOM - Job Description
This is for all the Moms and Moms-To-Be
POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mum
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to
work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent
24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips
to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments
in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier
duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at
least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue
repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be
able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the
screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing
to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls,
maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all
ages and mental outlooks.. Must be willing to be indispensable one
minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety
testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must
assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial
work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to
remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly
retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training
offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises
and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When
you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only
do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job
supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life
if you play your cards right.
POSITION: Mother, Mom, Mama, Mum
JOB DESCRIPTION: Long term, team players needed, for challenging
permanent work in an, often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess
excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to
work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent
24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips
to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments
in far away cities. Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier
duties also required.
RESPONSIBILITIES: The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at
least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue
repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be
able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the
screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing
to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair,
mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls,
maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all
ages and mental outlooks.. Must be willing to be indispensable one
minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety
testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must
assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial
work throughout the facility.
POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: Virtually none. Your job is to
remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly
retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can
ultimately surpass you.
PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required unfortunately. On-the-job training
offered on a continually exhausting basis.
WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises
and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the
assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When
you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this
reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only
do more.
BENEFITS: While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition
reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job
supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth and free hugs for life
if you play your cards right.
