the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier. ---
(937):
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had. ---
(412):
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor. ---
(202):
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again... ---
(724):
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that. ---
(469):
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs. ---
(330):
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam! (1-330):
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
---
(314):
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them. ---
(281):
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others. ---
(330):
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face. ---
(805):
You kept saying 'sir officer' which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed. ---
(419):
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say ' okay, well thats just your opinion' ---
Today, I was in a rush and forgot to flush the toilet after taking a huge dump. After coming home from work, I check my facebook to find myself tagged by my boyfriend in a photo. The photo was a of the toilet, with a caption: 'This is what Taco Bell does.' FML ---
Today, I babysat my neighbour's spoilt bratty twins. When I told them it was their bed time, they pushed me over. One then started smashing me with a plastic sword, and as I lay helpless on the floor the other one peed on me. I got owned by two five year olds. FML ---
Today, I finally repainted my living room. Only after the paint had dried did I realize that the guy didn't completely mix it. Now I have orange and red swirled walls. FML --- ^that is awesome!!! ---
Today, I woke up to s---on my floor and my cat hiding under my comforter. I have to get rid of my new fish because my cat is afraid of it. FML ---
Today, a woman got out of a car to scream at me as I was walking with the kids I babysit, demanding to know where I was taking her children. Apparently the woman who pays me is also a babysitter, who I have been 'covering' for on her party nights. The mother doesn't believe I didn't know this. FML ---
Today, my boyfriend said he wants a Hello Kitty wedding. FML ---
Today, at Burger King, I had to go to the bathroom. Two ketchup packets were under the seat and exploded on my legs and pants when I sat down. FML ---
Today, I woke up and had a flick through my camera photos. To my disgust my mother had taken pictures of herself, drunk out of her mind, naked with goggles on in our hot tub. FML ---
Today, I found out my boyfriend watches porn. Specifically, today, while I was in the shower. In the next room. We were alone in the house and he still chose porn. FML ------
