Money or Love? - edited to add

Maybe that's not the straight point to the question. But in light of recent circumstances I've been wondering can a couple be happy even if they are financially always struggling? Living litterally pay check to pay check.

I know money can't make you happy but how much harder does it make things when you have little to none?

I guess this is one of the many worries going through my mind...

FH majored inacting but hasn't done anything in over 2 years in that field. He's got a bachelors in it. Now that he lost his job at FedEx it's like his job search gets so limited and can't find anything more than maybe 30k a year at the very most.

I just constantly worry about the finances once we are married or living together. Granted I make more than 30k a year (but not a lot more than it)

I don't know if what I'm writting even makes sense or if I'm getting my point across. I've just been very upset for the past week.

Edited to add: I'm the only one putting money into this wedding right now. Even before he lost the job I'm the one that left the deposit and got the money for the next payment for our hall.

FH took a year to pay off a debt.. he paid it off last year. He still has not gotten himself a car.. so maybe thats a big weight on my shoulders cause I have to drive everywhere and seeing eachother almost fully relies on me. He tried to buy a car off craigslist and he got scammed, lost $2,500. $600 of which I gave him to help get himself a car.
He's been promising that we will get our own place in a few months.. he said that a year and half ago... then 6 months ago.. now he tells me he doesn't know when we will be able to.
Everytime I turn around I feel like he's just buying useless crap instead of saving (DVD's, Anime Collectibles, Concert tickets, etc). Excuse is always 'It's only $15/$20...' But that $15/$20 adds up over time on these things.

My mom keeps pointing these things out to me and says 'I hope you are sure about getting married and this is what you want and that you really love him'.

Excuse my French but I don't know when he's going to get his **** together & take responsibility.

I dont mean to sound super mushy or cliche... but I think that Love truly can conquer all. When you have two incomes no matter what the amounts combined may be you will learn to make sacrificies and to live among the income that you are in. I think the financial problems come when one person in the relationship is splurging- putting the couple in debt instead of living within their means. The way the economy is now, a lot more couples are living paycheck to paycheck and making it. Is that an extra burden to deal with in the relationship- Yes. With compromise and planning can it be done- of course.
HTH

Yea love can cover a lot but when someone doesn't hold up their end for a consistent amount of time - there is a issue.

IT doesn't get easier - my dh and i make about 30k each so we struggle but we still go out and buy things and this is why we are starting to get back into a small hole with our cc because dh has major dental issues that his insurance doesn't handle so he is spending due to that. I take up a second job or third job at times to pay off my debts but he just works his job and does overtime on occasion. It frustrates me a great deal BUT he never asks for money from me and he always pays for his own stuff. This is why our relationship works - if he was asking for cash to pay off his debts from me outside of his dental work this relationship wouldn't be working. He always has a steady job even if it does suck, your man needs to be a man and find a perm. job and do the acting on the evenings/weekends or whenever he can.

Most of my friends are in the arts - they all work at grocery stores for a steady paycheck and flexiblity and then do odd jobs on and off. They do their art/craft at night and on weekends or when they can get off. That is why they had to sacrifice since they need to take a flexible job over a higher pay job but they also work two - three jobs to make income.

Sorry to say its a talk that needs to be had with you two otherwise your heading for a some serious issues in the future.

Finances are the main reason that marriages do not make it.

You have to be honest with yourself about your expectations- can you live off of 1 $30,000 income for the rest of your life? What does it take to give you a comfortable lifestyle. What basics do you expect- food, shelter, car, % savings per month....vacations?

Answer this yourself and then have a frank discussion. Hugs to you, this isn't easy and as other have pointed out- does not get easier.

There have been times when we truly had it all - 6 yrs ago we made over $100,000 a yr (in Boston), then we moved to Ohio and we make $50,000 (this year).

Then there have been periods of time when DH didn't have work and/or i didn't have work (One time together no work right after we moved).

Imagine having the moeny to do whatever you want, go shopping and drop $3,000 on a Channel bag and not blink an eye and then 4 months later selling anything you don't use on Ebay to make the house payment. We have been there, done that.

Right now we live paycheck to paycheck, trying to catch up bills from when I was off work all summer, house in foreclosure (not paid in 7 months).

But I am happy with him. I don't blame him for our financial issues nor does he blame me. We are working together to solve it.

I am not saying we do not fight, we do just like any normal couple, just not over money, at this point we have given up EVERYTHING that is not necessary so we can save our house. Trust me when I tell you that is hard. There is no date night, there is no shopping other than the grocery store.

When we have an extra few bucks we rent a movie, I make dinner, we hang out together.

I will admit, I love him, I was happy with him when he made a ton of money and we went out almost every night in Boston, I am just as happy to tighten our budget and spend nights at home with him too. Yeah I miss getting Tiffany jewelry EVERY holiday, I admit I can't wait to have my REAL 2.5 carat wedding ring out of layaway. But I am happy and I am even happy with my 1/3 carat ring he put on my finger at our wedding, matter of fact i even told him that when I do get to pick up the other ring I am wearing it on my right hand, the little one means the world to me, just like he does.

I hate to be negative but the number one reason people divorce in this country is money . If you both are not on the same page about money, finances , and the responsibility that both of you have to earn a living and contribute to a household, it will not get any easier after you are married.

I would have a very serious conversation with him because this is a VERY valid concern. Love only goes so far .

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Posted by MrsCastanedain09

Finances are the main reason that marriages do not make it.

You have to be honest with yourself about your expectations- can you live off of 1 $30,000 income for the rest of your life? What does it take to give you a comfortable lifestyle. What basics do you expect- food, shelter, car, % savings per month....vacations?

Answer this yourself and then have a frank discussion. Hugs to you, this isn't easy and as other have pointed out- does not get easier.

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Very well said. You need to be honest with yourself. Good luck.

i think money matters to an extent......
my FH is a workhorse - thats just his personality and that is the type of man i want to marry - and its not because he makes a lot of money - but its because if money gets tight i know he will work more than 1 job, he will work 2 or 3 so we can survive - thats just the way he is - he always finds a way....i dated another guy and he was such a bum - if we were still together id be paying for everything - he was just so lazy, he always had an excuse for not working and i hated that - i need someone with ambition, someone who wants to work, someone who wants to make money.....and thats is my FH.....sometimes its bad though b/c being that type - like a workaholic, takes him away from me, away from his family and away from his friends - but i rather have someone willing to work their butt of....so to me, its not really the money - its the willingness to get out there and make it, even if itsonly $10 an hour KWIM? i hate that excuse - its not enough money for it to be worth it - well if you are in debt, anything helps....i hate laziness in a man....

We've had the talk about the money.

But nothing ever seems to happen. I've been waiting almost 3 years for him to get his act together. He tells me he tries & saves (but it took him like 6 months to save $2000? when he was making more then me?) but I feel were are almost no better then were we were when we first met 3 years ago.

Not living together has a huge stress. I have to drive to see him & drive back... we never have any privacy and are lucky to have 'alone time' once a week (if we are lucky).

I just don't know how much longer I can hold in there. And him getting laid off last week is what made this all sink in.

It doesn't seem like money is the only issue here. People loose their jobs and manage and get by on one salary. Lots of people choose to live on one salary to raise a family and although they struggle they make it work if they both work towards living the lifestyle they chose.


You have to see if you are both on the same page as what you want in life. If you want the house and nice cars, etc and he is comfortable renting and living paycheck to paycheck, it's not really a money issue but a responsibility issue. No offense but he seems like his life is just fine and why work to improve it. You drive, he lives at home buys his toys, etc.

Sorry if that is not what you want to here but I've been there. FH and I are almost 40 and this is something we have discussed what type of neighbor do we want to live in, how many years of mortgage payments, and how much responsiblity do we want.

It sounds like you guys need some pre-marriage counseling so you can talk stuff like this out and make agreements before you actually get married.

Maybe you should sit down with him and go over his budget when he finds a job and make sure he's using his money responsibly. Maybe if you can show him how those things add up over time, he'll be more conscientious when it comes to spending.

FH and I basically act as though we're already married when it comes to money and we have a budget that we stick with to pay our regular bills and also to save towards the wedding. Maybe you should try something like that.

And I would tell him that you're postponing wedding planning and giving him anymore money until he makes a serious commitment to be financially responsible. If you pay for the whole thing and he owes you money on top of that, you might come to resent him for it.

It depends, there are rich people who have all the money in the world and their relationships dont work and those who dont have and theirs work, but then you also see the opposite.

More important than anyone elses relationship, its about both of you being happy with the situation. If one feels like they are being taken advantage of then this is when it becomes a problem. If you are paying everything and you don't see him making an effort then youre going to start resenting him. Also I am sure him buying useless things really is not helping the situation. Everybody handles finances differently, so theres not one specific way but if you both are not on the same page and one feels they are contributing while the other isn't then yes I am sorry that will cause problems.

It is hard to get by on 1 income and besides that point, I am sure youjust want to see him helping you out and contributing to your future together. You really need to sit him down and talk to him. He has a degree so he can go out there and look for work, the market is hard now but I am sure seeing the effort will make you feel better. YOu need to tell him that you need his help and how you're feeling. He probably continues to do this because its easy for him right now. He has you to drive him around and go to him, you paying for the wedding while he can spend on things for himself. He needs to see how this is making you feel and just let it all out. Sometimes people know its not the greatest thing to do but they will continue to do so bc in their heads nobody has said anything about it and in the meantime they can get away with it. Once he sees how frustrated you are and concerned about your future together, he hopefully realize he needs to step up.

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Posted by jessnstu08

I hate to be negative but the number one reason people divorce in this country is money . If you both are not on the same page about money, finances , and the responsibility that both of you have to earn a living and contribute to a household, it will not get any easier after you are married.

I would have a very serious conversation with him because this is a VERY valid concern. Love only goes so far .

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I agree -- it's not so much the amount of the money, but being on the same page with money. Something that might help with accountability is tracking your finances in a program like Quicken (or if funds are really really tight, just use Excel, but I highly recommend Quicken).

Track what you are spending.... and graph how much of your income/expenses goes to a particular category and see how it adds up. Learn to set budgets, etc. DH and I started tracking our expenses a year ago, and it really makes you accountable for your actions. Plus, you can set a budget and it tells you how much money you have left for the month in a given category. Little purchases here and there add up quickly!

I think the bigger issue is ambition --- you dont have to have the same ambition but you have to be compatable. Don't expect things to change once you're married

And me marrying into the most dysfunctional family I have ever met isn't helping either.

My FMIL hates me and talks bad about me to everyone behind mine & FH's back.

I feel bad for FH. He's always getting the short end of the stick even when it's not his own fault a lot of the time.

It's been hard for him to watch his mom & stepdad favor his sister over him. The girl turned 17 and got a job, she keeps all her money that she makes when FH always had to give them 1/2 his paycheck when he was at that age. Never able to really save. His mom & step dad are even buying her a brand new car. He never got that.

I'm not saying they should buy him a brand new car but they've never done a thing for him.

i always try to look at things from the other person perspective.....such as your FH. and im trying to figure out what he's thinking.

is he pressured at all? does he seem stressed? i cant imagine that being laid off, without savings or a car or apt, and a wedding on the way doesnt weigh down on his shoulders. maybe he's overwhelmed......i know when i'm feeling overwhelemed with life decisions i sometimes shut down and dont want to deal with anything.

i think you need to figure out how to reach him so that he knows ur on HIS side. that you are willing to help him with this and really figure out a game plan so that he doesnt feel like he has to fix everything in one day.

in the meantime i think u need to put off as much wedding planning as possible for now. i recently lost my job so we put all the planning on hold until i get a new job (thank god we're getting married in 2010).

and finally........i think you really need to sit down and re-evaluate your marriage decision. because it seems like there is more to your problems than just money. ive seen families break up engagements...it wasnt pretty. these things really need to be ironed out before you commit to being together for the rest of your life.


good luck.

believe it or not, its only realistic that you think about this before the big day. so this is my opinion . . . hope you wont get offended in any way...

Im sure a lot of couples went through this before...

it really all depends how deep your love is...

i've been almost the same situation as you before, but FH does try hard and do something about it. but if you notice ur fh doesnt - then there's really a problem. he shouldn't be buying things if he doesnt have the money - he should think about you and the upcoming future with you... children.. etc...

maybe he's really too comfortable with you and knows that your love together is deep enough that money doesnt matter.

this is totally a sit down talk with your fh. you should really figure this out - are you willing to live pay check by pay check in the future and WAIT (days, years, months, etc) for him to get his act up together.

i know that is totally a tough question -- not a lot of people can do it no matter how deep their love is. think about this, love cant buy a house. it cant buy anything, but the only thing about it is its unconditional.it can make us feel warm and fuzzy and ontop of our world... but i ALWAYS think of both sides... what if the fuzziness goes away, then what?

so depending on your true feelings . . . think about it.. talk about it.. write down the pros and cons. and think about your future and your future children -- i think the children factor is the most important thing to think about... and with your future family in law situation -- can you live with that forever?

I agree with the folks who say that while love is the most important, money is a huge issue. It is one thing to not have a lot of money and have both people working together on the same page to help achieve your goals but if you are not working on the same goal, the issue is NOT money, it is teamwork and communication. It seems to be that b/c you have some time before your wedding, maybe take a pause on booking vendors so you are not putting more money into it and sit down with FH and make a specfic financial plan - so not just we are going to work better on not buying ___- but we are going to put in ___ and ___ repectively to a joint account or something like that. . .

Good luck with whatever you work through. . it sounds like you are doing some good thinking and work!

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

I'm going to be honest with you, my ex husband made a lot of money. Nearly half a mil a year. My relationship was horrible. I had every material thing I ever wanted, but nothing else. My kids (not his biological) had very little relationship with him after 7 years of being together. He and I had nothing but money. It was torture. Although I knew he'd always provide for us financially, I knew he'd never become the emotional man I needed or the father I dreamt of for my kids or any in the future.

Now I barely have a pot to pee in and I'm so happy! We have three kids between us and one on the way...but I never worry anymore. I don't worry if he'll be there for me or my kids or anything. And I know that he is the best provider I could ever ask for and would do anything for this family.

If you believe in your FH, then anything is possible. You need to know you can count on each other now and in the years to come. Love is amazing, but strength and support and comfort are just as important. You need to know that if you fall, he'll be there to pick you up.

I wish you all the luck in the world.