Money or Love? - edited to add

What you wrote about your FMIL situation worries me much more than your money situation... perhaps that family not only dislikes you, but is stifling your fiance and his inability to act has to do with the fact that he feels less like a 'man' still living at home and can't take that first step that he needs to in order to get out of that situation. If I were you him getting a job (any job) would be a prerequisite to any talks. There is no excuse for just sitting around. I am currently unable to work because I don't yet have a residence permit in the country I moved to to live with my fiance, but I got 2 volunteer jobs, am preparing for a big language test, etc. It's about the attitude you show towards life. You need to have some tough, tearful conversations.

Last thing: putting off a wedding is not the worst thing in the world; life does not end. Your wedding is far enough away that I'm tempted to say you can work this out in the meanwhile, but I would urge you to work things out before you even think about planning a wedding. Postponing for six months or a year might make the difference in your relationship and might even make you stronger. Trust me, I did it, and it did not break us up. Friends and family will always understand, and it's not their business anyway. Your fiance should understand if he loves you. Mine did, and we fixed a lot of stuff and now we are ready and looking forward to the future.

Good luck and lots of courage

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Posted by hunterstorme

What you wrote about your FMIL situation worries me much more than your money situation... perhaps that family not only dislikes you, but is stifling your fiance and his inability to act has to do with the fact that he feels less like a 'man' still living at home and can't take that first step that he needs to in order to get out of that situation. If I were you him getting a job (any job) would be a prerequisite to any talks. There is no excuse for just sitting around. I am currently unable to work because I don't yet have a residence permit in the country I moved to to live with my fiance, but I got 2 volunteer jobs, am preparing for a big language test, etc. It's about the attitude you show towards life. You need to have some tough, tearful conversations.

Last thing: putting off a wedding is not the worst thing in the world; life does not end. Your wedding is far enough away that I'm tempted to say you can work this out in the meanwhile, but I would urge you to work things out before you even think about planning a wedding. Postponing for six months or a year might make the difference in your relationship and might even make you stronger. Trust me, I did it, and it did not break us up. Friends and family will always understand, and it's not their business anyway. Your fiance should understand if he loves you. Mine did, and we fixed a lot of stuff and now we are ready and looking forward to the future.

Good luck and lots of courage

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Very well said.

I am sorry but I must admit that your FH sounds like irresponsible person.Not because he has lost his job but because he doesn't understand not only his but also YOURS situation.
I think that you already asked yourself whether ' Is this what I was looking for'.
You don't need our opinion because you KNOW the answer. I don't want to be negative but put your brain first and don't rush with decision.
I wish you good luck girl.....

I think Love conquers all- one day you have can have money, and the very next day it can be gone.

One of my favorite times with FH is when we just stay in and not spend any money! I could care less, but then again I don't have any money, so I appreciate what I got! And that's love!

It took my FH a (long) while to finally see my view regarding finances. I wasn't trying to be in control. I wasn't trying to be a scrooge. I was trying to be smart. Make him aware of where his/our money is going, where is it necessary to spend/splurge and where it is not. He was extremely resistant at first, but he's come around A LOT and now I think he's enjoying it because:

A. I am not bittching to him about $$ or his spending

B. He feels a sense of accomplishment if he saves money

C. He knows it makes me happy/secure/less stressed

I feel so much better now that we are finally on the same page regarding finances.

I believe most people said what I would have added in regards to talking it out between the two of you. In this relationship we have both had to make sacrifices to cover bills and such but I'm not sure if this was said so I just wanted to add that all the small ($10-$15) purchases he makes could be a way he deals with the stress of not having money. I know this sounds silly, but that is exactly what I do. I'm not sure exactly what causes it, but the more stressed about money I am, the more small things I buy. The more stressed I am about my weight, the more little fattening things I eat.
I am slowly getting over this with the help of my fiance so again I add, talk things over with him and support him as much as you can.

First of all I'm sorry you are going thru this

I think that love is important but so is money and compatibility. Many couples have broken up over money...(not necessarily because of money itself or lack thereof but because it represents so many things). Compatibility to me means that you have the same or similar values which includes attitudes towards money...please forgive me for saying this but right now it doesn't sound as if you and FH are on the same page...it sounds like he has been allowed to become a little dependent on you. He doesn't drive, you are the only one working, and maybe he doesn't see the need to change right now bec. he is comfortable with the status quo. The issue is that you are and it is (rightfully!!) making you question your relationship and your happiness. I would try to think about what you want first like another pp said...then ask him what he wants (honestly) and where do you see yourselves in say, 5 years from now? Express your feelings to him and see how he reacts...but for both of you it sounds like soul-searching time...

We're all here rooting for you....

FH and I have a similar situation, and we recognize that it will be tough for a little bit, and we can let it get to us and bicker and walk away, or we can try and do the best we can while things are tough and when they are better we are stronger for having gone through it.


Granted, there are times I want to say it will never happen when Money really gets tight (I am also putting in the majority of the money for the wedding so far) but if you know he is worth the wait and working through issues, I would.

the first step, finding him a job somewhere, and get him OUT OF THAT HOUSE. FH changed sooooo much when he finally moved out of his parents house and started to be responsible for himself. Part of it, as has been said, may be he feels inadequate, as if he isnt worth the bother, if his parents are favoring his sister over him. Getting him out of that negative atmosphere and into a home where he is appreciated will give him a much needed boost.

*hugs* I know the situation is a pain.. believe me I know. and I am sorry you guys are going through this

I don't want to be so negative, but i will tell you this...BEFORE you put any more money into a wedding, you need to be absolutely sure this is what you want. I understand you love him but honestly love really has nothing to do with it at this point. What matters most right now is that you don't end up resenting him. And honestly if things keep up the way they have been, that's exactly what's going to happen and then 'LOVE' will be out the window. It would be one thing if he were really putting an effort into trying to make some money. If it means that he needs to work at three different supermarkets then that's what he needs to do. Holiday season is here and all of these stores are hiring now. I don't know where you live but this is NY and there is always public transportation that runs 24/7(again if you live in the boros). I am only saying this to you because i have been through this before and i ended up resenting and really disliking the individual. Funny part about it was when we were together everything was fine except for the money issue. Even now when i speak about him i get digusted because i just felt like he wasn't a man. He had no pride and no problem letting me foot the bill.

I am not saying this is your case. All i am saying is that you may want to reconsider things(wedding) until things are more stable financially. Don't let this situation turn your love for him into resentment and possibly hate.

Good Luck

Edited for spelling corrections

I agree with gip. Please make sure you are on the same page with how you want finances, careers, etc. to go BEFORE you get married. I think you both are excellent candidates for pre-marital counseling. (Well, everyone's an excellent candidate for pre-marital counseling.)

This isn't just about money, it's about common values and where you see your futures. You don't have to be rich, but having common ground and values is extremely important in a marriage. This will affect housing, health care, children or lack thereof, education, etc.

(And if you are struggling financially right now, why are you planning a wedding? Hypothetically you could get married at the courthouse. But not before counseling!)

I wish you the best.

First, im sorry you are in this situation, i can only imagine the stress you are under.

Secondly, i am not sure 'money' is the sole problem here. It sounds to me you resent him for a few other things, and rightly so. He has put a majority of the $$ burden on you. And also, it is because of $$ that you feel you guys are not living together and therefor are experiencing other 'emotional' not financial stresses. (plus gas aint cheap) Its not your family but his that are causing problems and stress related to the wedding (soooooooo feel u on this one).

Its not money i am 'attracted' to in a man, its more their ambition, like someone else said, there is no bigger turn off for me then a man who is lazy. I think if your FH exhibited some ambitition, in regards to making $$$, the living situation, being more pro active in securing your future, etc etc , you would not be feeling so resentful.

Communication is the only thing that will make this better. You need to explain to him exactly why you are feeling the way you do. Simly saying 'You dont make enough money!' 'you need to get a car' is not going to cut it. He needs to step up, period.

i'm so sorry u are dealing with all of this. I see a lot of people have already responded and a majority of it is stuff i would just repeat. a couple things:

1) nothing gets easier after marraige. it's work, and it is a constant committment. its a wonderful beautiful thing, but just be very VERY aware, that it's for real, and it's for a lifetime.

2) you need to REALLY weigh in everything and make sure that money & il's aren't the only issue. money can be dealt around, il's can be avoided...but if you have other underlieing issues then i'd really evaluate the situation.

3) finances are the #1 reason for divorce across the country. it's unfortunate, it suc ks, but it's the truth. I think communication and being on the same page is the most important. Is it the fact that fh just doesn't make a lot of money? or is it the fact that he has no motivation to provide?? there is a HUGE difference between the two. if you're on the same page with your priorities of fincances, then communication can & will solve the issues. but if there is resentment forming, and arguments because of lack of motivation or hardwork, then all of this needs to be dealt with now. You still have a lot of time before the wedding - what about pre-marital counseling?? DH & i had a rock solid relationship before our wedding, but still took a course, and honestly it was the best thing we EVER could have done. I reccomend it for everyone..if u'd like info on the one we took, throw me some FM. it was more of a class setting rather then 'counseling' sessions and we really learned a lot about ourselves, about each other, etc.

4) I will say that communication and our faith is what has helped us and kept our marraige the way it is. MONEY HAS BEEN TIGHT. Dh & i were BOTH jobless for a little while...if i went into detail about the financial burdens we've been through in the last year and 1/2, you probably wouldn't believe the half of it! I will say it was a true test of love, and a true test of faith. We made a decision & a committment to NEVER fight over money. We communicate, and figure out the situation. Have there been tears yes, have there been times when we didn't know how our lights were going to stay on? ABSOLUTELY. but a marraige is not two sided...its one joint entity...so we never once have yelled at one another, built resentment or tried to lay out guilt or blame when it comes to our finances..one of the biggest things that causes problems with finances is the 'well i make more money then you' conversation with leads to all of the above things i was talking about (guilt, resentment, etc.) Like i said, our faith majorly has kept us going and completely brought us out to the other side...we are now in a nice place(though working hard), and are stronger then before. the times are not easy...but u can make a decision to get through it together. It also helps to have faith & serve a God that's bigger then any problem u could ever have (<~that's the christian in me )

if u ever want to talk or have questions feel free to fm me! like i said, if money & il's are the only issues here, i think thinks are communicable enough to get through...so long as BOTH people(ur fh and not just u! ) are willing to work at it. Just make sure there's no underlieing issues..because if there is - THOSE need to be dealt with!


lol - wow. i guess that wasn't as short as i thought it would be!

I get where you're coming from on this one. Due to personal circumstances FH is in full-time school and NOT working. (He graduates in May 2009). I knew going into this that he COULD not work while going to class. It's the reason for our long engagement. So, we communicated about that. I went into this situation knowing all that.

It su cks, but this is how we do it. FH worked over the summer. He worked HARD and made some decent money that will carry him through December. He works side jobs when he can on weekends -- and we schedule our down payments so that we can each make 50% of it.

Right now? We're not going out a lot so he can save what he can for what he needs (clothes, books, etc.) In a few weeks he'll be selling all his useful stuff on eBay... while I work hard and put money away for a co-op I'll be buying for the wedding. We're both sacrificing. We have to.

It's worth it, I don't like it, but it's worth it... because in 8 months or so he'll have a job and we'll have lived within our means so we're not stressed out. COMMUNICATION is the key. We have all our cards on the table, all the time. We're both making this work. FH doesn't have the money to throw in all the time.. so he makes appointments, comes with me to vendor meetings, etc. He researches stuff... helps pick out things we both like. My budget is the bottom line, if I say we can't afford it, he lets it go. Or we'll revisit it when has a steady income, but if he doesn't like something? It's out, too. He has just as much say... he is just as much a part of planning our future as I am even while I'm the 'bread winner'. He's my rock.

I am marrying HIM. I love HIM. WE are getting married to share that commitment with family and friends and to start a family and a life together. So, I'd say LOVE wins out over money, but you need communication or you've got nothing.