mother-in-law issues

when my fiancée and i got engaged back in november, my parents informed me that they would pay for my wedding, but that i had to stay within their budget, which i thought was very generous (especially since i am the first of 3 girls to be getting married). when we started looking at reception halls, we realized that there was going to be a huge price difference between friday and saturday night. since my fiancée is from out of town, we knew that not as many people would come from his side of the family if we were to have the wedding on friday night. so my fiancée spoke with his parents and it was decided that our parents would sit down together and talk about his parents contributing to the reception. so they had a discussion, and his parents said that they would prefer to have the wedding on saturday night and that they would pay the extra to have it then. since we hadn't decided on where we were having it and how many people would be attending, no exact number could be nailed down. but his mother said that they would be able to contribute at least $4000.

about a month after this conversation (in the end of december), we decided on a reception hall and my parent went and signed a contract. at that time my parents learned that there was an 18% service charge and that we had to guarantee a minimum of 150 people.

since then, my fiancée and i have focused on getting a d.j., photographer, limos and florist. in order to stay within my parent’s budget, i created a spreadsheet detailing what all the different costs were going to be. in talking to his parents about all this, my fiancée told his parents roughly what their cost for the reception was going to be. at this point his mother starts asking what it would cost to pay for the liquor, implying that they were no longer going to pay for the difference. when i found this out, i got a little pissed. so i had my fiancée call his mother back and find out if this was what she was saying. she then told us that she felt that she was being extremely generous if she was to even pay for the liquor, because it was the parents of the bride's responsibility to pay for the wedding. my issue is that, if she had just said this 5 months ago, we would have planned the wedding for a friday night and my parent WOULD be paying for the entire wedding. my fiancée is now saying that it isn't that his parents won't pay for their part of the wedding, but they just feel like they are being asked to pay and that they will not have any other input except to give my parents their check. his mother said that my parents should have told them that there was going to be an 18% service charge and the 150 person minimum (they knew that there was no way that we could have less then 150 people anyway, based on the tentative invite list), but the only decision that was made was that we were having it on saturday night, and they had been involved in that.

mother-in-law issues

M, so at the end of the day, are they going to give you the $4000?

Sounds like they just want to be a little more included. Its funny - some family members want to be involved, others don't....it may just be that her feelings are hurt that her son is getting married and she's not being a part of seeing the hall, etc....

You & your finance might want to sit down with his parents and ask them what is important to them on this day. We did that with both our parents at the beginning and the end of the planning process (things change over time...)At first, everyone said, 'no, its your wedding. do what you want'. But we forced them to review down a list of 'expectations' & traditions - everything from dances, seating arrangements to food.....THEN they started cropping up with things they wanted.

mother-in-law issues

Oh, and by the way - 18% service charge isn't that unique. I'm not sure where you're getting married, but we're paying 17% at the Milleridge...and other places I checked out where anywhere from 15% (but they were taxing on the 15% so it was greater) to 18% (w/valet parking).

And a minimum for 150pp on a Saturday night isn't bad either.

She just may not be aware of the industry & what's standard these days......

mother-in-law issues

Margaret, I agree with Karen. It just sounds like your Future in Laws just want to be a little more included!! Include them it is a wonderful way to bond!! We had a totally traditional wedding as far as expenses goes, and I included his mother every step of the way. She really appreciated it and told me so towards the end. Since they are contributing, even if it is a small amount in comparison, include them!

Good luck Jamelle