Mother vent

Not really sure if i'm asking for advice here, just need to let it out. Advice is always welcome though!

The past year since I've been engaged my mom is wanting to spend more and more time with me. And it's fine, I love her and all, but there's a reason why I moved out... I can't be with her every waking second because all we do is fight when we're together. So our relationship got better when I moved out 4 1/2 years ago- we didn't see each other as often, and became friends. It was really nice.

Well now, since i'm engaged, every single weekend she wants to make plans with me. She's single, so lives alone and also works in a small dr's office where the doctor's are only there once a week, so she's pretty much alone all the time. But lately, she's been dragging me into it - saying she's so lonely, and would like to see me more often. She even went as far to say to me 'I thought you were going to make time for me' after I told her that I was going to fire island for 4th of july weekend with my friends. I'm 27 years old! I want to go out and have fun! Especially before I get married and have kids!!! I don't want to sit home and watch TV with my mom all the time, or go to the mall shopping for the wedding all the time... I want to enjoy myself, and my summer, as much as I can. I think she's also a little jealous because we moved into FH's parents house to save money before the wedding. But it just made sense. She lives in a tiny one bedroom apt - there's no way we could live there, yet she always makes comments like 'you know you could stay here for a night or two every now and then.' Yea, ok mom... I have 2 dogs, and work in the city. If I did that she'd be complaining that she had to walk the dogs all the time and then we'd just argue. FH's parents have a huge house and a great backyard for the dogs.. it was a no brainer, and it's only temporary. So i just blew that off and whenever she says it to me i just ignore it.

So fast forward to today... My mom emails me and asks if I want to go over on Sunday for a birthday dinner (which i think is BS b/c i KNOW my shower is on Sunday). but apparently FH has something planned for me in the city that night, but he isn't telling me what it is. So, I tell my mom that and she goes... 'ok, so you want me to tag along?' I'm like huhhh? Um, well FH has something planned for me and HIM. I have no clue if she is even in the mix, nor do I know what he has planned... (getting a little sick of the surprised BTW... first my shower, then this, and then FH is 'surprising' me with something in august. i can't take the surprises anymore!!!)

This is so hard, because I don't want to disappoint my mom, but I also don't want to disappoint FH or any of my friends. It's almost like I have 2 husbands... my mom who always wants to see me and hang out with me, and then my FH, who I want to see and hang out with all the time. And then I have my friends, who I don't ever see because my mom is all up in my biz and wants to hang out! I tell her all the time to call up her friends and hang out with them, and she just tells me she doesn't want to. I don't know what to do at this point, but this can't keep happening. I need some SPACE. I need to live my own life. This is so frustrating... I just want to move far away from everyone, and just be ALONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For anyone that read this, thank you. I know it's really long, but appreciate you just listening to me vent. Needed to get it out.

Aww Aly, she probably is just lonely and is reaching out to someone she knows she can count on..
I know you don't want to hear this but maybe schedule a day out of your calendar to go over and hang out with mom. This way she won't be bugging you all the time about it and you can just say, I will see you soon when she asks to see you.

My mom is 3,000 miles away and maybe I'd feel differently if she was bugging me all the time.

Hang in there girl! :)

i can relate to this and i still live with my parents

any time FH and I go out with our friends or I spend time with FH's family, I get a similar response so I totally know what you're saying.

just wanted you to know you're not alone!

maybe put her on some sort of regimen so that you don't feel so torn - the gilmores had friday night dinners from 7-9 every week that way they had the flexibility to do what they wanted at night

i know it's a TV corrolary, but i think it translates well to real life

HTH

I read the whole thing as well and it's a tough situation...

I would feel the same frustration as you and I think it's completely normal that you want your own life and SPACE given the stage of your life you are in. Your mom is lonely but you can't be her BFF...she needs to find friends her age, a hobby, etc. Does she have any siblings, etc?

sorry i don't have much advice but wanted to give some

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Posted by mybabylovesmoi

I read the whole thing as well and it's a tough situation...

I would feel the same frustration as you and I think it's completely normal that you want your own life and SPACE given the stage of your life you are in. Your mom is lonely but you can't be her BFF...she needs to find friends her age, a hobby, etc. Does she have any siblings, etc?

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I agree with this. Maybe she can find some new friends. I know there are all sorts of walking groups, book clubs etc. She could try to find a group for something she likes doing.

thanks for the kind words and advice ladies!! It is hard, and i know she's just lonely and wants to spend time with me. And i feel like a terrible daughter/person complaining about it. I love her, but i don't love spending every second with her, you know?

I think the 'date' thing is a great idea... and I actually said that to her the other day. We both like to go to this dance class at the gym, so I said on Wednesday's I could come over and we could have dinner and then go to the class. We may start that.. hopefully that helps!!

sorry to have to deal with it! I actually have the opposite problem hah. My mom is never home but my dad is always wanting to hang out with FH and me!

I know you feel bad, but unfortunately FH is number one in your life now and it seems mom might have to learn that the hard way you know?

Hang it there hun!

I totaally feel for you! I work with my mom (my entire family every day, in fact) and it's smothering at times. But it's no where near the situation you described. I'm really sorry you have to deal with that

Although I do agree with the other girls that she's lonely, I know you want to do your own thing and I would hate always feeling like you HAVE to do something with someone. I would absolutely go nuts if someone always wanted my time!

I agree with the other girls....maybe you can set a night aside during the week for her? So you guys get to see each other, make her happy, and it doesn't interfere with your weekends. And if you ever wanted to do something extra, it would be on your time.

Hope everything works out! Reminds me of a friend of mine who's FH has a sibling who always wants to be with them.......

yikes, that is tough. What if you talked to your mom and you guys worked out a special time each month or every few weeks to get together? Like let's say the second Tuesday of every month is your night and you do something togeher?

ETA clearly I didnt read the other posts! Trying to read on my droid and it is not so easy!

hey,
I'm sorry this is stressing you. I have a simiilar problem. its tough juggling all the loves in your life lol
you're not a terrible daughter so don't ever think that. mom just misses you. her daughter who already moved away is now getting married and I think that she just feels in way she's losing you and this will be the most she sees you since you're not married yet. My parents told me the other day and i quote ' I know once you're married you won't be arond too long. we will be lucky if we see you on the weekend' thats obviously an over exaggeration! lol but parents feel that way...we're their babies and they want to feel like we still need them. Just Breathe and talk to mom when you're feeling better. tell her she will always be your mom and best friend no matter what. make sometime fo her and fh and friends and of course (and most importantly) for yourself! cheer up girl!

i dont know what to say but i did read it and want to offer you hang in there

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Posted by Tomsbride

She's just loenly. I see her point and yours. Maybe put her on Match.com ?

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thanks ladies... you are the BEST! You are all making me feel so better so thank you so much!

And OMG what a great idea! Though after 2 divorces I think she doesn't want a guy. I'm totally going to ask her though LOL

You are not doing anything wrong and don't let anyone guilt you into thinking that you are. Try to hang in there

the only advice i have for you is that you only have one mom is this life. and you should cherish all the time you have with her while she is still here.

My mom passed away a few yrs ago and i would give anything for her to be here planning this wedding with me.

your mom sounds like she is going thru a hard time and she doesn't understand that you have your own life she just wants to spend time with you.

just think......she loves you so much! try to explain her how your feeling. i am sure that will help.

HTH!

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Posted by Tomsbride

She's just loenly. I see her point and yours. Maybe put her on Match.com ?

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This!

I would kill to have my mother alive again to be bothering me.

I think you need to find a healthy balance of time spent with your family/friends/FH etc.

I would maybe dedicate one day a week to your mom even if it means going out to dinner with her or hanging out at her house just chatting.

My whole point is you do have your own life, but you never know when the day will come when she won't be around again and you would be wishing for just one more day.

Its a hard situation, but making a little time wouldn't be too much to ask. After all she did sacrifice many years to parent you.