My mother seems to have lost her mind since I got enagaged. She complains about my engagement being too long, claims I'm shutting her out, blames me for breaking up my family because I got into a fight with my @sshat of a brother and is now crying because I'm not getting married in the Catholic church AND I'm moving in with my FH before we're married. She refuses to talk to me and makes snippy, pointed comments all the time.
Meanwhile, from the very beginning she said it was fine that we're getting married in FHs church, she can't help us with money (therefore, FH and I are paying and need the long engagement to pay for this) and, a year ago, told me if I wanted to live with FH she'd rather I was at least engaged.
It's gotten to the point where I can barely tolerate being around her. She's being over-dramatic and manipulative.
Has anyone had this problem? How did you deal with it? Does it get better?
PrincessConsuela
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Re: Mothers and Weddings
move out already dear. i dont want you to go crazy on this one. If i could stand my fh parents i would move in with them in a second. It will be okay and your mother will always be this way. Maybe she will snap out of this but for now the best thing for you to do is remove yourself from her behavior. Love ya monkey wanna switch mothers for now???
MonkeyLuv
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Re: Mothers and Weddings
I'm trying... we're half way done with the work, but the bathroom's not finished yet!
I would never subject you to the emotional black-mail and inabilty to communicate that is my mother... or the overt Catholicism!
nferrandi
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Re: Mothers and Weddings
Why don't you take your mom out for a lunch date and explain all of these things to her (it's a lot more difficult to be mean/argumentative in public) Anyway, let her know that you would love to be able to get married sooner, but since you and your FH are paying for the wedding you need that extra time to save. Tell her that because you are waiting a little longer to have the reception, you don't want to have to wait that whole time to move in with FH and begin your life together. If she gives you a problem, just realize that in the end you have to do what makes you happy and atleast you tried to talk things through with her.
soon2bmrs2004
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Re: Mothers and Weddings
Posted by nferrandi
Why don't you take your mom out for a lunch date and explain all of these things to her (it's a lot more difficult to be mean/argumentative in public) Anyway, let her know that you would love to be able to get married sooner, but since you and your FH are paying for the wedding you need that extra time to save. Tell her that because you are waiting a little longer to have the reception, you don't want to have to wait that whole time to move in with FH and begin your life together. If she gives you a problem, just realize that in the end you have to do what makes you happy and atleast you tried to talk things through with her.
Ditto!
MonkeyLuv
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I've done all of that! I've explained it to her so many times in so many different ways. She keeps saying 'then have a small wedding!' Well, I wanted one, but FHs family is huge (30 people) and mine is huge (30 people) and that's only including aunts and uncles and no children under 13. Also, my mother threw us a huge (and unwanted) e-party and jacked up the guest list by about 35 people on my side so I HAVE to invite them to the wedding.
She keeps saying, 'we understand you're paying for it yourself... you're a grown woman... ' but then turns around and complains about everything. She wants a big wedding for me, but won't help with money, doesn't want me to take my time saving and then tries to insist on a, now impossible thanks to her, small wedding.
So now she's just harping on things to make me feel awful.
nferrandi
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In that case, you need to draw the line. Tell her you're tired of hearing her complaints and unless there's something she physically or financially plans on doing to change things, than you've had enough of her opinion. Tell her that you'd love for her to be involved in the planning process, but she's making it impossible for you to include her. Move in with your FH and plan the wedding on your own. I know that may sound a little harsh, but planning your wedding is a one-time thing and I don't think you should let anyone ruin it for you.
MonkeyLuv
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Re: Mothers and Weddings
Posted by nferrandi
In that case, you need to draw the line. Tell her you're tired of hearing her complaints and unless there's something she physically or financially plans on doing to change things, than you've had enough of her opinion. Tell her that you'd love for her to be involved in the planning process, but she's making it impossible for you to include her. Move in with your FH and plan the wedding on your own. I know that may sound a little harsh, but planning your wedding is a one-time thing and I don't think you should let anyone ruin it for you.
I'm going to have too. As it is, I'm going to smooth things over with my @sshat brother just to pacify her (even though he has said and done horrible things to me, my FH and my other siblings without any compunction and only a nasty, backhanded apology) but I know that she'll still have something to complain about.
She's focusing all of her energies on how I'm 'failing', when in reality I'm the most well-adjusted and happy of all of my siblings.
I feel like Marilyn Munster!
shamrock12472
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I'm so sorry your mother is doing this to you because of your wedding. Regardless of the financial support she may or may not give you - this is your wedding. She had hers and did what she wanted. I would say to her that this is what you want for your wedding and that is that. If she is unhappy with it, she is going to have to learn how to live with it and to keep her comments to herself. Family can be so petty and hurtful and it sucks! Remember, for your own sake, this is your wedding and you get to marry the love of your life...
PrincessConsuela
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Posted by shamrock12472
I'm so sorry your mother is doing this to you because of your wedding. Regardless of the financial support she may or may not give you - this is your wedding. She had hers and did what she wanted. I would say to her that this is what you want for your wedding and that is that. If she is unhappy with it, she is going to have to learn how to live with it and to keep her comments to herself. Family can be so petty and hurtful and it sucks! Remember, for your own sake, this is your wedding and you get to marry the love of your life...
totally agreed she had her own wedding!
MonkeyLuv
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The thing is, she's NOT trying to act out her own wedding... she's just criticizing and disapproving of EVERYTHING I do. She's not offering any suggestions, or ideas, or making any demands. she's just crying and complaining about decisions I've made (i.e. moving in with FH), even though she's going out her way NOT to really be involved and freeze me out.
PrincessConsuela
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that is not what i was trying to say. monkey She had her wedding and now you will have yours. if she wants to be involved she should make the effort. who knows you could be her only daughter to have a wedding. You have tried to involve her now it is her turn.
tourist
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My froend's mom was liek that. ANd this girl did pretty much everythign byt he book. SHe didn't move in with her husband till after the weddign, teh y got married int eh church boith families attended, yet she still ahd isues. She swore she wans't comign to the ceermony because the monsignor wasn't marryignt hem, so me other proest was. By the day of the rehearsal dinner she was fine--liek none of this every happened. It was arough 2 years for my friend. basically she cried & vented to her FH & me stayed out of the house when possible.
Sometimes, there's not much you can do except live your life.
shamrock12472
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This seems to be really eating you up - you should sit down and write a letter to her telling her how much her actions are hurting you. She may not quite understand the impact she is having on you.
PUPADOLCE
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I say, just ignore her. If you really can't take her, I'd move out. Parents are suppost to be understand and supportive. They should be happy with the decisions you make for your own wedding.
RedRoses
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I totally understand where you're coming from. I have my mother and FMIL doing the same thing, but saying opposite things...and they are paying, so it's really driving me insane. I know, first hand, that it's really hard to love and hate the same person at the same time, but it's totally normal. It's very likely that, even if it's not an issue about her having or not having things she would have wanted in her own wedding, it's likely that she's reacting to this in this way because of her own issues. My guess is that you've been dealing with a difficult mom since you were a kid, and that the wedding only brought out new behaviors and comments from the same grain. Weddings tend to be monumental for parents, as well as bride and groom b/c it forces them to look back and surfaces doubts and fears for their children that often come out in horrible ways. Whatever decision you make about things, make it...whether you do things to pacify your mom or yourself. Both need to be done, there's no gettting around that. Clearly you don't want to break your whole relationship with your mom or you would have already, so you have to find a way to make yourself happy and be able to live with her (even if not under the same roof). Just remember that it's NOT all your fault, feel free to be angry with her, and look for support from FH and close friends. You'll make it--it's just really tough. Good luck!
