my cousin's bachelorett party, ugh...need advice

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Posted by Future Mulligan

i never heard of the bride planning the BP.....my BF has been planning my BP since before I was engaged LMAO - no but seriously I know that she has a few ideas of things that she wants to try and plan......same thing for FH - his Best Man is planning is BP....

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yup im not having anything to do with the planning and neither is FH, although he knows they're gonna pick vegas, his friends right away were like VEGAS !!!!!!

But its easier this way bc if i suggest something like lets say dinner, show, club and to get limos or a suite, then some girls might be like OHNO i cant afford that but after i just stated this is what i would like to do then they're going to feel bad to say no we dont want to do that. This way they are all talking amongst themselves and its easier for them to be honest about things with eachother.

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Posted by soon2bmrsdunn

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Posted by zoe282

How close are you to your cousin? I guess the question is how would you feel if people didn't come to your bachelorette party cause it was a bit inconvienient. I know I would be hurt. No offense of course. If you feel you wouldn't mind then by all means don't go. I feel she made an effort to make it easy for everyone to go...so you should respect that. :) just an opinion...playing devils advocate.

....

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I agree with the above post!

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me too

Again, How many people will be with her?
I mean.. if she is left down to 2 people, I may really try to make an effort to go, but if she is going to be surrounded by people , I probably wouldnt go. Im SURE she will understand!!!
For crying out loud.. how many times has it been said.. its HER wedding but the world and responsiblities for everyone else doesnt stop because of it.
There is NO way.. I am going out and getting to bed at 2:30 in the morning, and suffer at work all day...just for 2 hours of 'fun' the night before. Its NOT worth it.
sorry.. but at my ripe old age, I have finally learned to prioritize things.. ME.
Ive lived most my life doing things out of guilt... and Im the one that suffers. Well..no more. I no longer do anything I dont want to do.. and you know.. everyone in my life is still around.
In fact.. I think its rude for anyone to tell you that its 'rude' for you not to go.
Only you can decide just how important this is.... and go from there.

btw.. I have never heard of surprise 'bachelorette parties'.
Surprise showers, yes.

Just my hardened .02cents...LOL!!!!!

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Posted by Cacarina

I would just go to the pre-game. How far do you live from the city???

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yes, go for the pre gaming, that should be fine!!!

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Posted by SherinJeff

Again, How many people will be with her?
I mean.. if she is left down to 2 people, I may really try to make an effort to go, but if she is going to be surrounded by people , I probably wouldnt go. Im SURE she will understand!!!
For crying out loud.. how many times has it been said.. its HER wedding but the world and responsiblities for everyone else doesnt stop because of it.
There is NO way.. I am going out and getting to bed at 2:30 in the morning, and suffer at work all day...just for 2 hours of 'fun' the night before. Its NOT worth it.
sorry.. but at my ripe old age, I have finally learned to prioritize things.. ME.
Ive lived most my life doing things out of guilt... and Im the one that suffers. Well..no more. I no longer do anything I dont want to do.. and you know.. everyone in my life is still around.
In fact.. I think its rude for anyone to tell you that its 'rude' for you not to go.
Only you can decide just how important this is.... and go from there.

btw.. I have never heard of surprise 'bachelorette parties'.
Surprise showers, yes.

Just my hardened .02cents...LOL!!!!!

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its so weird that some ppl never heard of surprise bachelorette parties. Thats the only way i knew of it being done, whether i saw it in movies, people i know or whatever the situation. But if it was a surprise then all this would've been avoided, bc all the girls would've come up with the idea and then it would've been something that was fine for everybody. Plus this way nobody can sit there and think oh the bride is being selfish or inconsiderate by asking ppl to spend X amount of dollars bc the ppl going will decide what they are comfortable with. For the bride to be the one saying well i wanna do this and do that and do that and all of you have to pay for me is kinda weird in my opinion...Its the same theory as the shower, you get gifts so you throwing it is like asking for it. For a bride to decide well this is what were doing and this is how much its costing is also asking for it, not to mention the bridal party pays for the brides expenses at the bachelorette party makes it even harder for the bride to make the decision herself as to how much everyone spends and what they do.

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by SherinJeff

Again, How many people will be with her?
I mean.. if she is left down to 2 people, I may really try to make an effort to go, but if she is going to be surrounded by people , I probably wouldnt go. Im SURE she will understand!!!
For crying out loud.. how many times has it been said.. its HER wedding but the world and responsiblities for everyone else doesnt stop because of it.
There is NO way.. I am going out and getting to bed at 2:30 in the morning, and suffer at work all day...just for 2 hours of 'fun' the night before. Its NOT worth it.
sorry.. but at my ripe old age, I have finally learned to prioritize things.. ME.
Ive lived most my life doing things out of guilt... and Im the one that suffers. Well..no more. I no longer do anything I dont want to do.. and you know.. everyone in my life is still around.
In fact.. I think its rude for anyone to tell you that its 'rude' for you not to go.
Only you can decide just how important this is.... and go from there.

btw.. I have never heard of surprise 'bachelorette parties'.
Surprise showers, yes.

Just my hardened .02cents...LOL!!!!!

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its so weird that some ppl never heard of surprise bachelorette parties. Thats the only way i knew of it being done, whether i saw it in movies, people i know or whatever the situation. But if it was a surprise then all this would've been avoided, bc all the girls would've come up with the idea and then it would've been something that was fine for everybody. Plus this way nobody can sit there and think oh the bride is being selfish or inconsiderate by asking ppl to spend X amount of dollars bc the ppl going will decide what they are comfortable with. For the bride to be the one saying well i wanna do this and do that and do that and all of you have to pay for me is kinda weird in my opinion...Its the same theory as the shower, you get gifts so you throwing it is like asking for it. For a bride to decide well this is what were doing and this is how much its costing is also asking for it, not to mention the bridal party pays for the brides expenses at the bachelorette party makes it even harder for the bride to make the decision herself as to how much everyone spends and what they do.

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i've never heard of BPs being a surprise either, but as far as i know it's always the bp or friends that plan them, never the bride. I def don't want anything to do with planning - my sister has asked for my input but I am deferring to them and what is convenient to everyone who comes.

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Posted by snwb08

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by SherinJeff

Again, How many people will be with her?
I mean.. if she is left down to 2 people, I may really try to make an effort to go, but if she is going to be surrounded by people , I probably wouldnt go. Im SURE she will understand!!!
For crying out loud.. how many times has it been said.. its HER wedding but the world and responsiblities for everyone else doesnt stop because of it.
There is NO way.. I am going out and getting to bed at 2:30 in the morning, and suffer at work all day...just for 2 hours of 'fun' the night before. Its NOT worth it.
sorry.. but at my ripe old age, I have finally learned to prioritize things.. ME.
Ive lived most my life doing things out of guilt... and Im the one that suffers. Well..no more. I no longer do anything I dont want to do.. and you know.. everyone in my life is still around.
In fact.. I think its rude for anyone to tell you that its 'rude' for you not to go.
Only you can decide just how important this is.... and go from there.

btw.. I have never heard of surprise 'bachelorette parties'.
Surprise showers, yes.

Just my hardened .02cents...LOL!!!!!

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its so weird that some ppl never heard of surprise bachelorette parties. Thats the only way i knew of it being done, whether i saw it in movies, people i know or whatever the situation. But if it was a surprise then all this would've been avoided, bc all the girls would've come up with the idea and then it would've been something that was fine for everybody. Plus this way nobody can sit there and think oh the bride is being selfish or inconsiderate by asking ppl to spend X amount of dollars bc the ppl going will decide what they are comfortable with. For the bride to be the one saying well i wanna do this and do that and do that and all of you have to pay for me is kinda weird in my opinion...Its the same theory as the shower, you get gifts so you throwing it is like asking for it. For a bride to decide well this is what were doing and this is how much its costing is also asking for it, not to mention the bridal party pays for the brides expenses at the bachelorette party makes it even harder for the bride to make the decision herself as to how much everyone spends and what they do.

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i've never heard of BPs being a surprise either, but as far as i know it's always the bp or friends that plan them, never the bride. I def don't want anything to do with planning - my sister has asked for my input but I am deferring to them and what is convenient to everyone who comes.

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well it cant always be a complete surprise ya know but yeah regardless its the bp that plans it and they'll tell her if anything oh be ready at this time...OR they do tell her the plans a short while before the party but like you said the bp plans the whole thing

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by snwb08

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by SherinJeff

Again, How many people will be with her?
I mean.. if she is left down to 2 people, I may really try to make an effort to go, but if she is going to be surrounded by people , I probably wouldnt go. Im SURE she will understand!!!
For crying out loud.. how many times has it been said.. its HER wedding but the world and responsiblities for everyone else doesnt stop because of it.
There is NO way.. I am going out and getting to bed at 2:30 in the morning, and suffer at work all day...just for 2 hours of 'fun' the night before. Its NOT worth it.
sorry.. but at my ripe old age, I have finally learned to prioritize things.. ME.
Ive lived most my life doing things out of guilt... and Im the one that suffers. Well..no more. I no longer do anything I dont want to do.. and you know.. everyone in my life is still around.
In fact.. I think its rude for anyone to tell you that its 'rude' for you not to go.
Only you can decide just how important this is.... and go from there.

btw.. I have never heard of surprise 'bachelorette parties'.
Surprise showers, yes.

Just my hardened .02cents...LOL!!!!!

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its so weird that some ppl never heard of surprise bachelorette parties. Thats the only way i knew of it being done, whether i saw it in movies, people i know or whatever the situation. But if it was a surprise then all this would've been avoided, bc all the girls would've come up with the idea and then it would've been something that was fine for everybody. Plus this way nobody can sit there and think oh the bride is being selfish or inconsiderate by asking ppl to spend X amount of dollars bc the ppl going will decide what they are comfortable with. For the bride to be the one saying well i wanna do this and do that and do that and all of you have to pay for me is kinda weird in my opinion...Its the same theory as the shower, you get gifts so you throwing it is like asking for it. For a bride to decide well this is what were doing and this is how much its costing is also asking for it, not to mention the bridal party pays for the brides expenses at the bachelorette party makes it even harder for the bride to make the decision herself as to how much everyone spends and what they do.

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i've never heard of BPs being a surprise either, but as far as i know it's always the bp or friends that plan them, never the bride. I def don't want anything to do with planning - my sister has asked for my input but I am deferring to them and what is convenient to everyone who comes.

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well it cant always be a complete surprise ya know but yeah regardless its the bp that plans it and they'll tell her if anything oh be ready at this time...OR they do tell her the plans a short while before the party but like you said the bp plans the whole thing

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yeah. she keeps asking me what i want and that she'll plan it but i'm like well i don't mind being a little surprised! I planned my sister's whole thing - I did ask her who to invite though; that was it, i knew pretty much what she wanted.

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Posted by snwb08

whole thing

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yeah. she keeps asking me what i want and that she'll plan it but i'm like well i don't mind being a little surprised! I planned my sister's whole thing - I did ask her who to invite though; that was it, i knew pretty much what she wanted.

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yeah its hard to pull off a complete surprise. Most girls are at least told what day the bachelorette party is

Either meet her in NJ or make an appearance. Also, I've never been there but I used to work by Porky's and it doesn't look like an expensive place...bar prices maybe with an entrance fee. Personally I would go but I've spent years going out when I have work the next day.
It does seem to me that your cousin was thinking of everyone...she could of had it in Jersey or a destination you'd need to fly to!

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Posted by Valor06

Either meet her in NJ or make an appearance. Also, I've never been there but I used to work by Porky's and it doesn't look like an expensive place...bar prices maybe with an entrance fee. Personally I would go but I've spent years going out when I have work the next day.
It does seem to me that your cousin was thinking of everyone...she could of had it in Jersey or a destination you'd need to fly to!

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porkys is not expensive...infact if they call ahead of time to say its a bachelorette party they have a couple of specials and can get open bar for $30...its just a regular city bar, not a club, lounge or anything like that...This is the movie porkys were talking about now and thats where the name comes from, its meant to be campy and look like a dive...it even has a sign that says 'this place *****'

here is the site: http://porkysnyc.com/about/

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by irishsweetheart

girls

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you're making it 'all about the girls' but they are the ones paying and re-arranging their schedules to come and do something/go somewhere you chose?

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yeah and you know what i do it for them all the time. For my friends birthday recently me and another friend surprised her with a trip to atlantic city and paid for the whole thing. I havent seen FH for a week and he comes back this friday but i wont even see him bc im gonna go out for a friends birthday. And for my friends bachelorette party we all talked about getting a suite and of course were paying for her and you know what that would be my priority, we have enough notice...so i would make sure to save up money from ahead of time and nothing else would be more important that night so that would be my priority.

and actually i dont chose anything, they will pick it so it will be a day and time that is convenient for all of them, i mean arent bachelorette parties surprises, i know not everyone does that but i will do that. AND i am not comfortable with ppl paying for me, im even the type of person to turn around to a friend if she says she has no money to say ill pay for her...I have 2 younger cousins in college and they dont have alot of money at the moment so i would offer to pay for them. I was even thinking recently about paying for a suite myself, id give my MOH the money and just say here i dont know exactly whats planned but ill pay for this.

AND like i said if its for good reasons then i understand, i said that above, i said if were eating at a restaurant and then going out and if we get a limo that is alot of money so i understand, but to go to porkys is not alot of money...You can do a party package and get open bar while youre there for like $30-40. If someone had something important to do then yes again its fine...i said it a few times in this thread i wouldnt automatically get mad.

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I actually would rather spend my money on dinner and a limo then to first go out and into the city at 10:30 at night. That's just not me anymore...

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Posted by kellygirl

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Posted by Espo22

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Posted by irishsweetheart

girls

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you're making it 'all about the girls' but they are the ones paying and re-arranging their schedules to come and do something/go somewhere you chose?

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yeah and you know what i do it for them all the time. For my friends birthday recently me and another friend surprised her with a trip to atlantic city and paid for the whole thing. I havent seen FH for a week and he comes back this friday but i wont even see him bc im gonna go out for a friends birthday. And for my friends bachelorette party we all talked about getting a suite and of course were paying for her and you know what that would be my priority, we have enough notice...so i would make sure to save up money from ahead of time and nothing else would be more important that night so that would be my priority.

and actually i dont chose anything, they will pick it so it will be a day and time that is convenient for all of them, i mean arent bachelorette parties surprises, i know not everyone does that but i will do that. AND i am not comfortable with ppl paying for me, im even the type of person to turn around to a friend if she says she has no money to say ill pay for her...I have 2 younger cousins in college and they dont have alot of money at the moment so i would offer to pay for them. I was even thinking recently about paying for a suite myself, id give my MOH the money and just say here i dont know exactly whats planned but ill pay for this.

AND like i said if its for good reasons then i understand, i said that above, i said if were eating at a restaurant and then going out and if we get a limo that is alot of money so i understand, but to go to porkys is not alot of money...You can do a party package and get open bar while youre there for like $30-40. If someone had something important to do then yes again its fine...i said it a few times in this thread i wouldnt automatically get mad.

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I actually would rather spend my money on dinner and a limo then to first go out and into the city at 10:30 at night. That's just not me anymore...

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well why dont you suggest doing dinner first, this way you can spend more time with her and youre able to leave a little earlier...Also i understand it might not be things you like to do anymore, but once in a while for our friends and family we have to bend a little and do things they like too...its kind of the way it is in a relationship, we want our SO to do certain things at times that we like but they dont. But from when i read your OP it seemed to me like you just didnt like the plans and that was your reason...Remember this is about her, so the plans should be something she will enjoy...THe same for your bachelorette party im sure you want it more your style, and there might be others who dont like what youre doing but im sure you would expect them to understand its about your interests and personality and would hope they respect that. You even said 'thats not me anymore' but this isnt about you

I think you have gotten some opinions on the subject, but its up to you.
Just remember, you will be having a party of your own soon, and if you are ok with others not showing because of whatever reason... then so be it.

Could you call your cousin and explain to her that you are 90% sure you cant make it that it would be just too much.. and see if you and she can get together ... either earlier in the day or even another day?

I just cant tell how close you are and you really havent explained how you think SHE would react to you not going.

I have friends in my social circle (that are closer then family) where some would flip If I didnt show and others are totally understandable.

Eh, I wouldn't go, especially not if I had work the next day.

I've always found it a bit rude to ask somebody to schlep into the city for a party that doesn't start until after some people go to sleep.

But then, I'm not a party person, and I don't go to bars. I'd go to a bar for a friend, but going into the city at what, to me, is the middle of the night, especially if I have work the next day... maybe I'm selfish, but it's not happening unless you're REALLY special to me.

People have lives. They don't revolve around our weddings. I find it hard to see why anybody would be offended because someone couldn't make it to their bachelorette party, or shower, or whatever. Perhaps the wedding... but even that, depending on the reason... things come up sometimes.

Also, I've never heard of a surprise bachelorette party before. As far as I know, usually the bridal party plans it, but the bride has at least some idea of what's going on.

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Posted by zoe282

How close are you to your cousin? I guess the question is how would you feel if people didn't come to your bachelorette party cause it was a bit inconvienient. I know I would be hurt. No offense of course. If you feel you wouldn't mind then by all means don't go. I feel she made an effort to make it easy for everyone to go...so you should respect that. :) just an opinion...playing devils advocate.

I am in my good friends bridal party and we are going AC and everyone is complaining about price and stuff...but i feel the bachelorette party is the one time the bride gets to go out with all her friends and have a great time and I think people should be supportive no matter if its inconvinient. I guess I just want people to be supportive of what I want to do....

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You took the words out of my mouth....It is a day for the bride so its really not about convenience for anyone else. If you wouldn't care if she felt/did the same thing to you then just call her up and cancel. However, if the roles were reversed and it would upset/bother you then take that into consideration when making your decision. Bach parties are very often an imposition on the people attending but when its your day you won't want people to make you feel uncomfortable or that you inconvenienced them.....Best of luck either way!

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Posted by weddingbunny

Eh, I wouldn't go, especially not if I had work the next day.

I've always found it a bit rude to ask somebody to schlep into the city for a party that doesn't start until after some people go to sleep.

But then, I'm not a party person, and I don't go to bars. I'd go to a bar for a friend, but going into the city at what, to me, is the middle of the night, especially if I have work the next day... maybe I'm selfish, but it's not happening unless you're REALLY special to me.

People have lives. They don't revolve around our weddings. I find it hard to see why anybody would be offended because someone couldn't make it to their bachelorette party, or shower, or whatever. Perhaps the wedding... but even that, depending on the reason... things come up sometimes.

Also, I've never heard of a surprise bachelorette party before. As far as I know, usually the bridal party plans it, but the bride has at least some idea of what's going on.

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yes thats what we mean, the bridal party plans it and at one point they will surprise her with it doesn't have to be the day of but the bride isnt the one to plan it.

Also you cant blame the bride for the whole time thing...shes doing it on a weekend so at first you dont think about the fact that yes some ppl do work on weekends. The fact that its at that time well thats honestly the time to go to clubs or bars in the city...I went 2 weeks ago at 10:30 and only bc i was told to show up at that time and i ended up waiting outside for 45 mins bc the club wasnt open yet lol. I mean even if they were to go to dinner first or something they still wouldn't go to a bar until 11pm, its just the way it is, when i go out on weekends i never get to places earlier than that and many times get there even later. The only reason theyre meeting up later is bc the bride is trying to save them money by not doing dinner first and not spending alot of money at a bar drinking since they're pre-gaming so i dont think she is being selfish. If the time is a problem then she should bring this up to her cousin and say hey i wont be able to stay long and i would like to spend more than just 2 hours if i have to come into the city so how about we go out earlier and do dinner first, it doesnt hurt to ask.

Plus like it was mentioned we dont know how close they are so who knows...but if they are really close then sometimes we make sacrifices for loved ones in our lives...I never go out on weekdays anymore, i have to wake up at 6am and i cant do it anymore, but for my best friends(moh) birthday we went out on a weekday and i ****** it up, its one day, not asking to change our lives or anything. I went straight after work there which i hate doing that i prefer to go home and freshen up but i wanted to be there to celebrate with her. And like the person above said, she was disappointed when ppl didnt come or left early for the fact that she was always there for them went to all the parties they had and made sacrifices for them, sometimes it comes down to the fact that someone will feel like WOW i do things for you but i dont get it in return.

Also, if the situation was different then maybe ppl will have a different outlook, but the bride isn't being selfish she is even trying to make it easier on everyone else. Also if it was something that she just couldn't go again it'd be different but she said its just not her thing anymore to go out, and to tell someone you dont wanna go bc you dont feel like taking a train into the city and going to a bar bc its not your scene anymore they might get hurt. No offense to the OP, but isn't it selfish to not be there for somebody simply bc its not something you prefer to do, its their celebration so it should be about them and what they like not what we like and expect others to cater only to our interests. Lets say it was a birthday, and if my friend picked something i dont care for i wouldn't say ugh you know what i dont like your idea so i dont care to go even though its your bday and its what you want to do or tell her no pick something else.

Sorry im making this real long but people are making it seem like its selfish to feel like this, if its someone im not very close to then that is different and i would never expect anything from them. A very close friend, or a family member im close to i would be hurt, i would probably just say its ok no problem but inside id be thinking WOW i wouldn't miss your bachelorette party for the world and my only concern would be to be there for them and celebrate, so it hurts when others dont do the same...Maybe more ppl can relate if its put this way but if you always sacrificed for your Fh, went to all his things and showed an interest how would someone feel if he didnt do the same. Nobodies asking anyone to do god knows what, to really even sacrifice big but just to go out for a few short hours and have drinks, i guess i just see it as if you are an important person in my life then this isn't asking much of me and i can make time in my life for 2 hours.

Thanks girls! I really am having second thoughs now...Although you can be harsh at times, it really gives me some perspective. The on;y problem is my sister who was saying we had to go now doesn't want to go b/c I convinced her we shoudn't go!! HAHAHAHAHA