ok girls i hope u dont mind too much but i made up a fake screenname so i could talk about this topic. it is pretty sensitive issue and i dont want someone i know reading this and figuring out it is me :( You guys have helped out so much before i really need your advice now.
Well my sister just went on a vacation and i got a voicemail from her telling me she is engaged! I thought it might happen but i did not know how i would feel about it until now. I am very happy for her because i love her fiance and always wanted him to be in my family and i want the best for her and i want her to be happy so in all those ways i am very happy.
But here is the very bad part: half of me is not happy! you see, i just got engaged myself a couple of months ago, and i feel that i am not through celebrating yet. I want my time all to myself i dont want to share it with her!!! when i got engaged, no one in my family made a big deal out of it at all. My sis did not do anything for me, she has not even bought me a wedding magazine or anything! and we are very close. i felt a lil sad that she did not really acknowledge it that much. My parents have been ok.... but they told me they dont think we need to have an engagement party but i really still wanted one and i was hoping to have one in june, but now i feel like i will have to share that with my sister cuz eveyone will be congratulating her on her engagement too. I feel like it is annoying and corny for us to be engaged at almost exactly the same time --- i dont want to be lumped together with her all the time.
I feel like i have always had to share everything with her. my parents always call me her name by accident and they buy us the same gifts and they act like we are the same person!! and i know now that my parents will be annoyed having to pay for my stuff when their precious first born is getting married now. Trust me i am not being ridiculous this is really the way my parents are.
I just wanted a few more months to celebrate MY engagement. I feel like a horrible person and a horrible sister for feeling like this. I feel like a bratty little baby and a jealous b**** !!! but i cant help it :(
Please help me to change the way i feel !
Bride2005
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!!
I can totally relate.
My sister is four years older than me and honestly we are not the best of friends.
Anyway- we got engaged, to my surprise (I knew it was coming- I just thought it would have been after her wedding, not before) about two months before her wedding.
Anyway- I couldnt do anything for my wedding until after her wedding.. the night i got engaged all she did was talk about her her her wedding- i would have prefered to get engaged after her wedding but it was my fiances choice- obviously thinking he would surprise me.
I feel like I never really had the fun part of being engaged bc of this..... when I did book my hall i had to keep in quiet until my sister relaxed a little bit-
Now we are getting married in a few months and my fiance's brother is getting engaged...
I kind of feel like- why the hell can't I have the attention just on me... I know it sounds kinda selfish but I know what you mean- this is the one time this will happen to me and I want to feel like the princess... not with everyone else at the same time.
So once again, I know how you feel.. take a deep breath and enjoy your engagement-- it goes by sooo quickly!
july06bride
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!!
you have every right to feel the way you do... this is your moment to shine and enjoy and now you are going to share it with your sister...i am an only child so i dont know exactly how you feel but i could imagine. I think i would feel the same way...but it is here and as much as you wish you could have had your alone time to celebrate, but she is engaged now and at this point there is not much you can do but try your best to be happy for her and STILL have your time to celebrate. good luck and enjoy your time engaged!
DayBeforeThanksgiving
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!!
I am on the opposite end here. I got engaged a few months after my FH's brother did. They're getting married in July. I thought it would be the same way, no attention, etc. But in actuality, it's been great! We've been able to discuss our ideas together, prices, etc. Think of it that way. Yes, it *****, but to be honest, there's nothing you can really do about it. Just relax and do things together. Nobody will ever forget about you!
nferrandi
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!!
I can understand your feelings. My BIL got engaged only a few months after DH and I did and I kind of went through the same thing. I was afraid that our spotlight had been stolen, but I was lucky that my IL's were really great about trying to keep the focus on us. They felt that since we had gotten engaged first that everyone should concentrate on us, and then after our wedding they would focus on BIL and his wedding.
buggiegirl
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!!
i can understand how you feel- and don't feel bad, it is totally normal!! the important thing is that you have each other and that everyone has their time to shine
LuckyMe
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!!
Definetly have a right to your feelings. Dont worry though they will fade and look at it this way you guys can get together and plan weddings together since you are close. Your parents however, unfortunetly there is no way to control their actions if this is the way they have always been. Just come vent with us whenever it gets to be too much.
fakeusername
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
ok so now things are a complete disaster! i am totally a horrible person now!
update: my sister just got back from her trip after getting engaged and called me to talk. In the course of the conversation, i was trying to be nice, but then i asked her what her plans are for when she will get married. she said that her fiance said as a joke 'tell you sister we are going to get married a month before her.' So i got emotional and said, how is that funny? you guys are making a joke at my expense. So then she said she was looking to get married a few months after me (3 or four months). I said this is too soon, she should wait a little longer in betweem. well my sister totally flipped and said that oh she should just tell her fiance that they should hold off on the wedding because the world revolves around her sister. She proceeded to call me the most selfish person in the world over and over again. so i hung up the phone.
i really wanted to be happy for her but i said what i really thought instead. what an idiot i am! And here is the kicker: i asked her what her ring looked like... and she told me that it looks very similar to yours. It has the same exact setting b/c her fiance bought it at the same exact place as mine!
what am i going to do now! now we are fighting and i know my sister will hold a grudge and she will not speak to me for a long time. what a disaster! i am not jealous of her at all, not one tiny bone in my body is jealous, i just wanted to have my wedding to myself. and with both weddings happening so close together it just makes me feel like mine is not so special anymore. One of our mutual friends called me up today to go see her and see her ring, and another one of our friends called me up to take her out to dinner on thursday. this made me feel bad too because nobody said or did anything when i got engaged and now i am supposed to celebrate hers.
It sux hearing her call me selfish over and over again and i know she is right. i just want to go crawl under a rock. i hate myself i know i am wrong but i cant seem to change my bad thoughts and feelings
fakeusername
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
anyone?
nov04LIbride
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
Posted by fakeusername
anyone?
Well, I think her saying 3 to 4 months after you is perfectly reasonable. You keep saying you aren't jealous, but I think you know you are. It's hard, and it isn't just your special time any more, but think of how wonderful it will be to plan together.
ETA: I would call or write her a very apologetic email, saying how happy you are for her at this very happy time, and you are so sorry you weren't thinking of her the last time she called.
gNi1125
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
I'm sorry you feel like this but I honestly have to say you are being selfish. She is your sister and I'm sure she loves you and wants nothing but to share her beautiful day with you and vise versa. We all want to bask in the glory of being engaged but it can't happen every day. Sometimes we have to share the spotlight a little. Especially when it's a sibling. I hope you change your mind. Having someone to share details and wedding ideas with IMO is a true blessing. I would have loved to have a sister to do these things with. I think you should apologize to her. All the best to you both.
fakeusername
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
but i am not sorry. i can't call and say something i dont mean. she got the same ring i have. that is absurd! and how is one family supposed to pay for two weddings only 3 months apart?
and in my opinion she is the one being selfish... she was so jealous when i got engaged that she could not celebrate with me! she did not come over to my house to see me or go out to eat or anything! she just acted like its no big deal! when it was my time to celebrate, she did not care.
and who buys the same ring?????
nferrandi
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
Don't beat yourself up. Maybe you should have kept your thoughts to yourself, but you can't take it back now. You should probably call your sister as soon as you feel less emotional. Let her know that you didn't mean to come off as selfish and let her know how sincerely happy you are for her. So maybe you would like more time between your wedding and hers, but at least she is waiting until after yours. That's really the most you can expect. And trust me, I am not trying to downplay your feelings because I would feel the same way. The thing is, there's really nothing you can do to change things, so just do your best to deal with them and look in the up side- not only were you lcky enough to find the man of your dreams but your sister was too.
romameansamor
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
I feel sooo bad for you! I am exactly the same way - I feel a certain way, feel bad about that, make a promise to myself I won't let on I feel that way and then BANG! It comes out somehow and boy do I feel guilty!!!
I also have a sister and can picture word for word the argument you guys had.
What I advise - is to let it die. The more you try to fix it, the more you are going to look like the bad guy. Back off a little and slowly start to call her about plans and stuff.
Eventually, your emotional reaction will be forgotten about and hopefully your whole family can enjoy your weddings!!
But - I am sorry too that you are kind of getting the short end of the stick in this whole thing. But I will tell you - everything would have eventually subsided regarding your engagement anyway - so it is not like you are missing anything exciting.
Good Luck!!
csorisi
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
Posted by fakeusername
but i am not sorry. i can't call and say something i dont mean. she got the same ring i have. that is absurd! and how is one family supposed to pay for two wedding only 3 months apart?
Well I don't think you should be mad at your sister b/c you have similar rings--her FI bought it for her and honestly who cares your ring is special to you b/c your FI bought it for you. I am sure there are people who have my exact ring but you can't be upset. My FI has alot of friends who are getting married & it has been great all planning together. I think that you should just sleep on it tonight and really think about it--this is your sister and let your parents worry about if they are going to pay for both weddings or not--maybe that is something you need to discuss with them. There could be worse things in this world.
romameansamor
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
Oh, and regarding the same ring - she will totally look like the fool - not you. So don't fret and just be quiet about it!
One of my BM's is dating my cousin. For a year I talked about how all I wanted was this very unique engagement ring (tanzanite). My BM (who I knew I couldn't even compete with b/c she is 'requesting' at least 3 carats when she gets a ring) did not know what tanzanite was and kind of teased me about it.
I got engaged - tanzanite.
The next month my extended family and BM go on vacation in the carribean where tanzanite is everywhere.
She comes home with a tanzanite ring like mine, telling me she did all this research on tanzanite and she tried to get the most perfect tanzanite b/c tanzanite this and tanzanite that...now she's an expert.
She asks to see mine and says 'oh yeah - that's good quality'
Long story, not so short - my family couldn't believe she got 'my ring' and thought that was a little rude.
So, believe me - she will look silly - not you! I never approached my BM about it and honestly - it's now a dead issue. I don't feel bad and nobody even notices anymore.
HTH
fakeusername
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
Posted by romameansamor
I feel sooo bad for you! I am exactly the same way - I feel a certain way, feel bad about that, make a promise to myself I won't let on I feel that way and then BANG! It comes out somehow and boy do I feel guilty!!!
I also have a sister and can picture word for word the argument you guys had.
What I advise - is to let it die. The more you try to fix it, the more you are going to look like the bad guy. Back off a little and slowly start to call her about plans and stuff.
Eventually, your emotional reaction will be forgotten about and hopefully your whole family can enjoy your weddings!!
But - I am sorry too that you are kind of getting the short end of the stick in this whole thing. But I will tell you - everything would have eventually subsided regarding your engagement anyway - so it is not like you are missing anything exciting.
Good Luck!!
thank u so much for understanding me. i honestly never envisioned that this was the way i would act or feel. i always wanted her to get married and i would always try to give her the best advice so that i could help her have a good relationship. but me and my sister have always had to share everything. when we were younger we shared a room and when we got in high school i came home from school one day and she had taken apart my bed and moved me out into the dining room. And my parents said it was ok. --- u can just move to the basement. when i graduated college she refused to come because she did not want to hang out with my parents ( she was not speaking to them). but when she started dating her fiance she easily put aside all her hostility towards my family and acted like the perfect daughter so her fiance would think her family was normal.
her engagement was completely planned. when something is planned they can take into account other people in their plans. if my sister had gotten engaged first i would never have asked my fiance to get engaged right after. i would have waited.
and my ring was special to me, but seeing the exact duplicate on my sisters hand does not make it feel so special anymore. when she asked me to read off the GIA certificate to her i did not know that she was taking down notes for her own ring.
and as for having someone to plan with, i just cant be happy about it because before my sister was engaged she could not be happy for me and did not help me plan at all.
and i know there are worse things that happen in the world everyday, but this is my lil bad thing now.
cindyandkevin
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
I'm sorry you feel this way, it's horrible to fight with your family. Esp your sister!!! I wish I had a sister, I have 2 brothers that I love dearly but it's just not the same. I see sisters together and I feel like I'm missing that special bond, it's sad! You say you're not jealous but I think the fact that you came up with a new user name specifically for this post is an indication that you are jealous and that you feel guilty about it, so you're denying it. A 3 or 4 month wedding after yours is really sufficient time, I know a lot of girls who do that and it works out fine. There's a woman at work who booked a lot of the same vendors as her sister and they both got good deals. Don't be upset that she didn't do anything for your engagement, be the bigger person and help her start planning. You can lead her into all the good directions by sharing tips and ideas you've picked up and steer her away from those vendors that you don't want her to waste time with. This should be a wonderful experience for the 2 of you to share!!! Don't downgrade it!!!!
lishbone
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
CandiceM
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Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
You just need to take the high road. Unfortunately you have to share the spotlight. Be happy for each other. For me the only day that really mattered was the wedding day itself and that day will be all yours. All the time leading up to it will be forgotten years down the road. Enjoy planning with your sister. See things from her side as well. Put yourself in her shoes and think about how you would feel if it were you who got engaged after her. Would you want to play your engagemnet down to let her shine? Would you want to wait several months after her wedding to get married? In the big picture I'm not sure it really matters. The next thing will be who gets pregnant first. Your day will be special no matter what.
