ok girls i hope u dont mind too much but i made up a fake screenname so i could talk about this topic. it is pretty sensitive issue and i dont want someone i know reading this and figuring out it is me :( You guys have helped out so much before i really need your advice now.
Well my sister just went on a vacation and i got a voicemail from her telling me she is engaged! I thought it might happen but i did not know how i would feel about it until now. I am very happy for her because i love her fiance and always wanted him to be in my family and i want the best for her and i want her to be happy so in all those ways i am very happy.
But here is the very bad part: half of me is not happy! you see, i just got engaged myself a couple of months ago, and i feel that i am not through celebrating yet. I want my time all to myself i dont want to share it with her!!! when i got engaged, no one in my family made a big deal out of it at all. My sis did not do anything for me, she has not even bought me a wedding magazine or anything! and we are very close. i felt a lil sad that she did not really acknowledge it that much. My parents have been ok.... but they told me they dont think we need to have an engagement party but i really still wanted one and i was hoping to have one in june, but now i feel like i will have to share that with my sister cuz eveyone will be congratulating her on her engagement too. I feel like it is annoying and corny for us to be engaged at almost exactly the same time --- i dont want to be lumped together with her all the time.
I feel like i have always had to share everything with her. my parents always call me her name by accident and they buy us the same gifts and they act like we are the same person!! and i know now that my parents will be annoyed having to pay for my stuff when their precious first born is getting married now. Trust me i am not being ridiculous this is really the way my parents are.
I just wanted a few more months to celebrate MY engagement. I feel like a horrible person and a horrible sister for feeling like this. I feel like a bratty little baby and a jealous b**** !!! but i cant help it :(
Please help me to change the way i feel !
fakeusername
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
thank you everyone for all your replies. i just wanted to let u all know that all your comments were appreciated, and i have tried to take in both sides. i do know that i am being selfish (knowing you are wrong makes it even worse cuz i feel bad). i will try to be a better person. hopefully i can change the way i am thinking right now b/c it is not good for anyone. maybe my sister will be the bigger person and be able to forgive me, but i know that i have to change my attitude first. thanx everyone
gNi1125
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
Posted by fakeusername
thank you everyone for all your replies. i just wanted to let u all know that all your comments were appreciated, and i have tried to take in both sides. i do know that i am being selfish (knowing you are wrong makes it even worse cuz i feel bad). i will try to be a better person. hopefully i can change the way i am thinking right now b/c it is not good for anyone. maybe my sister will be the bigger person and be able to forgive me, but i know that i have to change my attitude first. thanx everyone
Everything will fall into place
FTRBRIDE
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
You're not going to like what I have to say, but I'm going to say it anyway. I find it very sad that you can't be happy for your sister that she got engaged. As much as we might wish it did, life does not revolve around you. People cannot be forced to put their lives on hold so that you can be in the spotlight from now until who knows when (especially if 3 months AFTER your wedding isn't even enough time for you) Give me a break. My brother got engaged a few months after me, and is getting married 2 months after me. I had my engagement party which was a wonderful day for FH and I. My brother had his engagement part a few months later, and it was a great day for him and my FSIL. People will not overlook you, but you really need to not overlook your sister. My wedding will be about me and FH, my brother's wedding will be about him and my FSIL. All of the days in between? Well, quite frankly they are life as usual regardless of who is engaged. It is for your parents and your sister to decide the finances of getting married 3 months after you.
prncssrachel
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
This EXACT situation happened to ME last year. I was engaged first, and then my older sister got engaged and planned her wedding two months before MINE. (She was married a week and a half ago.) Once I got over myself and saw that MY WEDDING was only the most important thing to JT and I, I was able to actually ENJOY the fact that we were both engaged and going through the same things at the same time. Search for my review of my sister's wedding, it was only last Monday that I wrote it. My sister and I BECAME bestfriends during the process. I would not have wanted to plan my wedding without her. Do not worry about what other people will say or think. NO ONE will be LESS HAPPY for you, I promise. THis was one of my concerns, as well, and it was completely unfounded. My sister and I booked tons of vendors together for discounts, dealt with my mother's crazy MOB episodes, etc. Look at this as a GOOD thing. I know it's hard, but you have the ability to make the situation work or not. HTH. Hang in there.
nov04LIbride
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
Posted by fakeusername and how is one family supposed to pay for two weddings only 3 months apart?
I think you probably even knew when writing this that that isn't your concern. Many of the brides and grooms on here are paying for their own weddings. Are you afraid they won't pay for your wedding anymore? Because how long is she supposed to wait? A year? 3 years until they save up $50,000?
boobobunny
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
My baby sister...(5yrs younger) was married this past January. Our weddings will be 8 months apart. We both are well aware that some of the family did not attend her wedding in January because they figured they would travel in August for mine...since the weather is usually better. But then again there are some family members who will not attend my wedding because they went to Melly's and can't afford to go to both. But we figured that the people who mattered the most would be at our weddings...and that is all that matters. I went with her when she picked out all her vendors...so when I came to be my turn I already knew which Vendors I wanted. My sister and I got great deals on our photo/video because we went with the same person. We also saved big on our dresses and DJ. So look at it as a positive thing. You and your sister can plan together...(share loads of laughs while you plan) and probably save alot of money if you choose the same vendors.
nylibride
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
I'm so sorry about all of this. I think what the bottom line is, is that everyone's relationships with sisters are VERY different. There is probably a ton of history that none of us can know about that is contributing to how you are feeling right now. You can't beat yourself up for how you FEEL about something, that's not always something we have control over. The only thing you can control is your actions. So...(and I agree that the whole situation is nerve racking) you can go about your plans, and try to act towards her maybe the way you *wish* she would act towards you. Much easier said than done....
You are not a bad person! I really think that such monumental and emotional situations bring up all sorts of other issues that have been part of the relationship dynamics for years.
enjoy your engagement, enjoy your fh and good luck with making this a time you can both (you and sister...) enjoy and celebrate together....
LisaMarie1293
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
You probably should grow up and suck it up. Be happy for one another and help eachother out. Adulthood is usually when siblings learn to like one another.
Plan together and just enjoy the fact that you have a sister to be happy for and who will be happy for you!
Good Luck
MrsStefan
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
Well I can relate as well. I got engaged September 2004 and my brother just got engaged one week ago. He recently told my family that he will be getting married in June/July 2006----just 3 months before my wedding. To be honest, I am not really upset at this point. I am really happy for him! He lives out of state and I think that will help separate the fuss over the two of us. BUT, my FH called me the other day and told me he was really MAD!!! I was totally shocked!!! He said that he wants people to be fussing over us and giving us the attention because we were engaged first. he think that my brother should wait till after our wedding to get married. BUT we are getting married in October and my brother is a teacher so he needs the summer. I mean, as of now I am not upset. But, I dont know how I will feel in a few months when he really starts getting into planning. I can already feel that I will be upset when she starts picking stuff out (dresses, BM's dresses, flowers, etc) because I want to have THE BEST. I know that sounds bratty, and I am trying not to feel this way. I hope I am not jealous or upset through this whole process. I really love his FI and I think she is wonderful, but I want to be given the attention. I've been dreaming of this day since I was 5!!!
Ok, so thats my vent. Thanks for reading!
JCMsGirl05
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
Not a big deal. Have fun planning....help eachother. It will be fine.
s51178
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
I think this is all about being the bigger person. I'm sure you and your sister have your own issues and I'm not trying to completely dismiss them. But you are an adult and its time to grow up. This isnt about you both getting the same sweater or the same Barbies as a present. If this is such a huge concern of yours, why dont you say something to your parents? Tell them how you feel and make sure that they dont dismiss you. I had a big rivalry with my younger sister and I figured enough was enough. I wasnt going to go around resenting her anymore and I was going to enjoy building a relationship with her. I also think it is sad that you cant be happy for her. Like FTRBRIDE said, the world keeps on going and it certainly doesnt revolve around you.
DrBeLLaRoSe
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
i can agree and sympathize with you. I do think this is one time that the world does revolve around you ok maybe not the entire world, but at least the intimate family world you have around you. your sister should not be selfish and understand that you would be emotional about this topic too, and that she should take into consideration your feelings as well. she should see that it would be more fun to plan one wedding at a time, so the family can take time to enjoy each one individually. she is just thinking of her own plans and is disregarding the plans you and your fh have already made before her. hopefully you two will be able to be considerate of each other and both your needs will be met. there is no reason to rush the wedding or have them both on top of each other. the burden of the price of two weddings would be very difficult on the family (we all know how ridiculously expensive weddings are). Also, weddings are very emotional and each couple wants the focus to be on them. it is all very normal to have these feelings. somehow family problems that occurred in the past seem to rear their ugly head again at this time. feelings you thought you had put aside and learned to deal with actually come up all over again.
as for your sister getting the same ring, well that is just a joke. she has to be the one to live with the fact that her fh was not creative or caring enough to pick out his own ring.
hopefully as time passes you will be able to put this behind you and be happy for your sister. you want to be happy for her and you dont want to feel this way, so eventually you will be able to put these feelings away too.
good luck with everything and take care!
s51178
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
Posted by DrBeLLaRoSe
i can agree and sympathize with you. I do think this is one time that the world does revolve around you ok maybe not the entire world, but at least the intimate family world you have around you. your sister should not be selfish and understand that you would be emotional about this topic too, and that she should take into consideration your feelings as well. she should see that it would be more fun to plan one wedding at a time, so the family can take time to enjoy each one individually. she is just thinking of her own plans and is disregarding the plans you and your fh have already made before her. hopefully you two will be able to be considerate of each other and both your needs will be met. there is no reason to rush the wedding or have them both on top of each other. the burden of the price of two weddings would be very difficult on the family (we all know how ridiculously expensive weddings are). Also, weddings are very emotional and each couple wants the focus to be on them. it is all very normal to have these feelings. somehow family problems that occurred in the past seem to rear their ugly head again at this time. feelings you thought you had put aside and learned to deal with actually come up all over again.
as for your sister getting the same ring, well that is just a joke. she has to be the one to live with the fact that her fh was not creative or caring enough to pick out his own ring.
hopefully as time passes you will be able to put this behind you and be happy for your sister. you want to be happy for her and you dont want to feel this way, so eventually you will be able to put these feelings away too.
good luck with everything and take care!
I'm sorry, but living your life is not selfish. My FH's sister got engaged three months before we did and are getting married 2 months before us. And did she ever once call me selfish because our weddings so close? Not once. Did she ever accuse me of stealing her thunder? Never. That's because she is mature enough to know that no matter what, people live their lives. And she chose to be mature and say how happy she was for us and how supportive she was going to be. I guess I just thought everyone knew how act like an adult.
FTRBRIDE
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
Posted by s51178
Posted by DrBeLLaRoSe
I'm sorry, but living your life is not selfish. My FH's sister got engaged three months before we did and are getting married 2 months before us. And did she ever once call me selfish because our weddings so close? Not once. Did she ever accuse me of stealing her thunder? Never. That's because she is mature enough to know that no matter what, people live their lives. And she chose to be mature and say how happy she was for us and how supportive she was going to be. I guess I just thought everyone knew how act like an adult.
Thanks Sar
May05Bride
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
When we got engaged we were dating for a really long time and everyone were very excited. But than, less than a week later, FH's sister, who was married for 10 years, announced she was pregnant. As you can immagine, his parents were So happy for they were waiting for a grandchild for 10 years.!.
At first I was very upset. I felt like she 'stole' my thunder. And, I didn't get enough of 'celebration'
To be honest, however, now this all seems very silly to me. Life goes on for everyone. The wedding is about two people joining their lives together, not people 'celebrating' them.
I think you should be happy for your sister. I completely understand how you feel, I felt the same exact way, but, life goes on for everyone. I think it will be great that you will share in the wedding planning. I think this will bring you closer together than ever!
fakeusername
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
thank you everyone for your comments and your support and kind words. Like i said before, both sides of the issue are appreciated. I do need to hear everyone's comments to better help me understand.
Many of the comments like 'grow up' and 'you are selfish' and 'be an adult' are understood, i can see where u guys are coming from and clearly there are 2 sides to the issue and that is how my sister feels. Right now i am in frustration mode and childish mode and i am having quite a difficult time 'growing up.' I always imagined things to be a certain way, and i am quite an obsessive compulsive, anal person, and this does not fit into my concept of how i thought things were going to be. so i am having a difficult time emotionaly adjusting. People have very different personalities and emotional baggage, and if you could even see a small glimpse of how much emotional turmoil i have been through with my parents and my siblings you might have more of an understanding of how i would come to feel this way. I walk a tightrope with my family and dealing with their issues and things like this usually end up falling unfavorably on my shoulders.
In a good family, people can come together and enjoy each other and be happy for each other, but in my family this has not been the case for many many years of my life, and it is difficult to expect things to change all of a sudden. I guess what i am trying to say is that this is more of a dysfunctional family issue than a 'i am selfish and jealous of my sister issue.'
Thank you to everyone who has responded.
jenniemae
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
you are going to regret how you are acting... believe me. Call your sister and apologize like you never have before. and do it soon. fm me if you want details. but all i have to say is PLEASE apologize to your sister, and the longer you wait, the harder (and less likely she will forgive you for acting so selfishly) it will be to make the call.
LandJ
Posted:
Member since
Re: My Sister Just got engaged!!! Update!
I understand what you are trying to say, and I don't think you are being selfish or immature, etc. It's tough for other people to relate when they have never been in that situation. Although I have never been in exactly that situation, I have many friends that have sisters and like you, had a younger/older sister that was ALWAYS in the spotlight and that the other person always felt like they were living in their sister's shadow. So I don't think this is so much about your wedding or your sister's wedding. It is more about you having that moment that you can just celebrate YOUR life without having to share the spotlight with your sister. And maybe there's a part of your sister that knows this as well. But since she is engaged now, maybe the 2 of you can sit down at some point and come up with a compromise. Maybe if you explained to her how you felt it would help. Sometimes people aren't aware of another person's feelings until you put all of the cards on the table. I hope this helps!
