My sister, MOH, is fighting with one of my BM

I'm so ready to tell my sister to forget about throwing me a shower! she has had 2 meetings with my BM and asked them all to contribute $150 towards my shower. Noone had a problem with that. Then one of my BM emails her and says she went through her finances and can only afford to contribute $50. That's right! A third of what everyone else is putting in and one tenth of what my sister is paying! So now my sister and FSIL are making up the difference. My sister mentioned in an email to them all that the one BM was only putting in $50 and now she's trying to fight with my sister. She sent my sister a nasty email telling her that she has no right to judge her finances and she shouldn't have said anything the the rest of the BP. The reason why my sister told is because she thinks it's BS that she's pulling this. Mind you, this girl lives at home, took a $2000 trip earlier this year, put $1000 in for a summer house share, and goes away every weekend, etc... I don't know what to do. I don't want my sister and my BM to be in a fight with everything (shower, bach. party, wedding) coming up.

I don't know why your sister had to tell you all of this. I know you said that she told because she thinks it's bull, but what could she possibly accomplish by telling you this and making you feel bad about it?

It just kills me that people drag us into these things...because as the bride, we don't have anything else to worry about! I would ask your sister to simply work it out with the BM and leave you out of this. It's not like you can call your BM and demand that she kick in more money.

Sorry for the troubles!

People suck!

I think it was in poor taste for your sister to tell the other BM about the one who couldn't afford to put more. It might be a personal issue and she maybe embarrassed. I understand why she may have lashed out at your sister.

You never know what people have going on with their finances. The fact that she took a trip earlier this year is in the past, maybe she had an unexpected expense or had to lend money to family/friend in need. There's so many possibilities as to why she couldn't contribute as much. Hopefully this BM is telling the truth and not just trying to be difficult.

So sorry that you are going through this, but try to stay out of it.

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Posted by steph4777

I think it was in poor taste for your sister to tell the other BM about the one who couldn't afford to put more. It might be a personal issue and she maybe embarrassed. I understand why she may have lashed out at your sister.

You never know what people have going on with their finances. The fact that she took a trip earlier this year is in the past, maybe she had an unexpected expense or had to lend money to family/friend in need. There's so many possibilities as to why she couldn't contribute as much. Hopefully this BM is telling the truth and not just trying to be difficult.

So sorry that you are going through this, but try to stay out of it.

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I agree. Your sister shouldn't have said anything to the other BM's. That is inappropriate and extremely distasteful. If the girl cannot afford it, then she cannot afford it. The fact that she took a trip before is also, no one's business. People shouldn't be so judgemental. If she cannot afford the $150, then allow her to contribute in some other way. You should feel resentful toward the BM either.

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Posted by fashionhag

I agree. Your sister shouldn't have said anything to the other BM's. That is inappropriate and extremely distasteful. If the girl cannot afford it, then she cannot afford it. The fact that she took a trip before is also, no one's business. People shouldn't be so judgemental. If she cannot afford the $150, then allow her to contribute in some other way. You should feel resentful toward the BM either.

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It's not a matter of being judgemental. The fact of the matter is, I know that she could come up with the money. She's actually one of my best friends and I'm very familiar with her financial situation, so I'm not just guessing blindly. I think there would be less of an issue if she was trying to do more to compensate for the $$ she isn't contributing, but from what I hear, she has offered to do 2 things and has since made excuses not to do them. As far as my sister being wrong for telling the other BMs, they would have all found out when their money was due anyway. I actually don't agree that my sister should have to quietly pick up the difference. She's already putting in a lot more money and if anyone has a right to complain about money it would be my sister, the single mom.

See, this is a problem I see with weddings. We, as brides, expect certain things from our Bridal party and I think that sometimes we expect too much.

Let me ask you this first...
When you decided to have this person as a BM, did you sit down with her and tell her what you expected from her? Did she know that you expected her to spend any certain amount of money, that she should be doing certain things?

ETA: Another thing..you are comparing this girl to your sister. That's not a fair comparison. Your sister is your sister, and is supposed to be doing more for you than the other BMs.

But it is a sucky position to be in.

I understand both sides. I understand your sister's frustration but I also understand the BM's anger for your sister telling the other BM's. It's a hard predicament to be put in and YOU as the BRIDE shouldn't be put in. I am sorry you are going through this!

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Posted by nferrandi

I didn't mention anything about the shower because I thought that was understood, but initially we were supposed to go to the Dominican Republic for my bachelorette party, which everyone was supposed to be saving for since last year and no one had a problem with. We decided only a few weeks ago to go to Newport instead because my FSIL wasn't going to be able to go and my sister has some health issues that really prevent her from going to a county with poor medical facilities. The choice to go to Newport is saving everyone hundreds of dollars and she is still having 'money issues.' I have been very easy on my girls. I purposefully picked inexpensive dresses and I do not insist that they have their hair or makeup done. I've spent almost as much on each girls gift as they have on their dresses, so I really don't think they're being asked too much of. But that's just my opinion.

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OK, here are your options, at least I think they are your option.

Talk to them both. If the girl's stance is that she cannot afford it, accept that, no matter what you think her finances are. Ask her if she can help you with some things. Maybe if she gets a request from you personally, she will be more motivated.

Tell your sister not to fight with her. It puts a strain on the entire wedding party and that's not fair or fun. Explain that you understand her frustration but to let it go. (now if I were you I would also explain that she shouldn't have told the other BM the money issues, but that may cause more issues and you don't want that.)

Then just let it go and move on from there. Do you want this fighting to ruin your wedding or the reationships with people in it? No! So just mediate the current situation (and I swear it will only take a few minutes of your time) and things should get back to normal.

Or....

Just tell them they are on their own and to just deal with it!

Those are my suggestions.

To start, that is so sweet of your sister to pay for the majority of the shower! I might ask this one BM to resign though. Maybe it's to drastic but is she going to be able to afford the other expenses?

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Posted by Corduroy94
I might ask this one BM to resign though. Maybe it's to drastic but is she going to be able to afford the other expenses?

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Oh yeah, that is something else I was going to suggest as well.

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Posted by nferrandi

Fashionhag and Corduroy, I totally appreciate your suggestions. I was trying to remain as uninvolved as possible, but I think I might have to step in. I already told my sister to try not to continue their back-and-forth email war and had her tone down a nasty reply she was going to send my BM. I really don't want to ask my friend to step down, not to mention she's yet to complain or even mention any kind of issue about money to me. I don't want to bring up something I'm technically not suppose to even know about. I think I'm going to let the two of them handle it right now, but if this situation is brought to my attention one more time I'm going to talk to each one of them individually.

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Personally i think your first instinct is right...DEFINATELY tell you sister to stop the banter and BS with the BM. That is who she is and it isn't going to change so she should just deal with it. I don't think you should step in at all.
And to be quite honest i think that your BM's are doing quite a lot for you, saving for a trip Bachlorette party, the dresses, the make-up, hair etc etc... it is a lot! So i would just let it go and enjoy your day...
tell you sister to back off the nasty emails...they are only going to cause you more grief..

Unless you want to drop her...Personally i wouldn't

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Posted by suven

stay out of it. one of the biggest mistakes that I made was getting involved in things that I should have ignored. Now, I am no longer on speaking terms with one of the girls who was a bridesmaid in my wedding (who is my husband's cousin)

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I agree. I got involved and I shouldn't have.

WOW that is ridiculous. $150 sounds VERY reasonable to me. In any event you should probably pretend that you dont know anything about it. It is easier that way..

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Posted by fashionhag

See, this is a problem I see with weddings. We, as brides, expect certain things from our Bridal party and I think that sometimes we expect too much.

Let me ask you this first...
When you decided to have this person as a BM, did you sit down with her and tell her what you expected from her? Did she know that you expected her to spend any certain amount of money, that she should be doing certain things?

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I tend to agree here. I understand that it isn't fair for your sister to have to pay so much when they all agreed, but the BM is not obligated to pitch in $150. Maybe she really can't afford it or actually doesn't want to have the added expense. I know it is hard because it is our big day. Just try not to get into the middle.

On a side note, I was talking to my mom & sis about this awhile ago. I told my mom from the beginning, that I don't want my BMs to pay for the shower. If she and FMIL can't do it without them, then I don't have to have anything big or lavish. However, I do expect them to help my mom. I have been in so many weddings and for most the MOB paid for the shower. As a BM there is so much you have to pay for as is: dress, shoes, hair, makeup, not to mention the gifts. I don't want my wedding to be a financial burden to anyone, my BP is doing me the HONOR of standing up there with me.