My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...UPDATE

I am not inviting her boyfriend. In summary this is what has been going on...

1. She has been dating this guy for over 8 years and NO ONE in my family except me knows that she is with anyone.

2. She doesn't ask me, she basically tells me she will give me his address so that he can go to the wedding. I say no we argue, she says she is not going to the bachelorette party and that she won't be in the wedding. This was around the time of our engagement party.

3. She tells me again last week as I am preparing the invitations that she will give me his addy to send him an invite. AGAIN, I said no. YOU need to bring this man around so that my family gets to know him. YOU need to let my parents know what you have been up to all this time with this guy. YOU are not going to bring him to my wedding and prance around on MY day so everyone can talk about you and your boyfriend. She AGAIN threatens me and says she is not going to the bachelorette party and that she won't be in the wedding.

4. SHE sends the girls an e-mail and CC's me yesterday, around the time that I was home mind you, and pretty much states she will no longer be in the wedding party due to.... So she didn't even have the NERVE to tell me to my face.

My GODMOTHER calls my mother (she got an e-mail too) asking my mother what was going on. So my mother and def. my dad have NO IDEA she did this!!!! So now it is MY FAULT because I am not allowing my sister to bring someone. It is MY FAULT that she hasn't brought this person around and she wants to bring him to my wedding. Since my father is giving me money for the wedding it is MY FAULT that he will get pissed off at me that I can't give my sister this much and have her bring someone to my wedding. My father doesn't know yet and my mother said I shouldn't tell him anything. So since my sister tries to portray a goody two shoes daugher lifestyle, I HAVE TO su$$ it up and deal with it and let her bring someone to make HER happy.

NOBODY sees this the way FH and I see this. So now I have to ONCE AGAIN, make somebody else happy besides FH or myself? That isn't FAIR! I am NOT asking for too much here. I have caved NUMEROUS times for everyone for this wedding. I agreed to many people's demands and needs for FH AND MY wedding because they want to be happy over us, of course. It is not about what FH and I want its about what everybody else wants for this wedding. Honestly, its to the point where we should have just gone to an island and done what we talked about. This wedding planning has ripped a few relationships apart. A time when FH and I are supposed to be at our happiest, people refuse to accept that or want that for us. Whoever made up the quote: Weddings bring out the worst in people. I completely agree!!!!

All my mother keeps telling me is its your sister. Ya well, I am HER sister too and you would think she would think about ME and what I WANT not what SHE WANTS on MY DAY!!! I am really hurt by all of this. My sister should be HAPPY for me. And to think that she didn't even have the ball$ to tell me to my face hurts even more. If she brought this guy around my family, my home when ONE of my parents is in the house, not when they are away on vacation, I wouldn't care and of course he would be invited. And they have been together for over EIGHT YEARS!!! You have got to be kidding me. And to think she decided to do this 3 MONTHS before the wedding and right around the holidays! Ya thanks sis!!
help.....

I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. I would try to talk to your sister and tell her how hurt you are that she didn't have enough respect for you to tell you to your face that she wasn't gonna be in the wedding. Not to mention that she couldn't understand why you were upset.

If she hasn't have the nerve to have this guy come meet the family then why should he be invited to the wedding. Your wedding should not be the day that she introduces her boyfriend of eight years.

Stay stong and firm...

Sage...I was thinking the same thing. 8 years is a long time not to introduce to your family??
Why did she not?? Can I ask?
It seems like more to it that you wouldnt allow her to bring him. I dont see a problem with him coming.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It was definitely wrong of your sis to drop out the way she did.

But, I do have a question. Why is it that you don't want to invite her BF? Is it a highly controversial person that she has been keeping it secret for so long? If it's not, I don't see what the big deal is. Let her bring a date. If it were me, I would much rather let my sis bring a date than not have her in my wedding. I'm not saying that what she is doing is right (it's definitely not) and I'm not saying that you are completely wrong, I'm just having a hard time understanding why you don't want her to bring this boyfriend of hers...

I may be wrong since I don't know why your sister hasn't brought this guy around for the past 8 years, but I'm a little confused as to why you are bothered so much by him being there. I don't see how he would have such an effect on your wedding day. It obviously means a lot to her, so I would just let her bring her date. Good luck!

sorry for these problems you're haivng.
personally, i think you and your family need to sit down and have a long discussion about what this wedding means to each of you. there seems to be a lack of communication and it's hurting too many people.
weddings are a time of happiness and love, not anger and hate.
I understnad that you are upset, but your family doesn't understand why and you need to explain it to them....not just expect them to know.....
good luck

I'm sorry that you are going through this.. But I went through something similar.. I hated my sister's ex and told her flat out that he was no welcomed at my wedding.. although my sister and I fought over the subject, she never even thought of or mentioend that she would not come to my wedding or be a part of it (she's my MOH)

I hope that your sister comes to her senses with this one..

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But, I do have a question. Why is it that you don't want to invite her BF? Is it a highly controversial person that she has been keeping it secret for so long? If it's not, I don't see what the big deal is. Let her bring a date. If it were me, I would much rather let my sis bring a date than not have her in my wedding. I'm not saying that what she is doing is right (it's definitely not) and I'm not saying that you are completely wrong, I'm just having a hard time understanding why you don't want her to bring this boyfriend of hers...

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I agree! What's wrong with her BF?

She told me that the reason she doesn't bring him around is b/c I know how my parents are. Because this guy is of a different race, my parents may have an issue with it. Well guess what??? My FH is bi-racial and I don't care what my parents think or what everyone else thinks about him for that matter! In comparison my parents adore him. They both look for him sometimes, so she shouldn't give me that excuse! If she was so concerned about how my parents felt about her BF then maybe she shouldn't have started dating him in the first place if she couldn't handle the heat. Another problem is that she portrays this goody too shoes daughter way, where she acts like such a good daughter and in what she does (what they see anyway) and she continues to lie about what she does when she goes out, and who she goes out with or away with. She is 25 years old!! Grow up already!!

I did have a problem with him over a couple of tiffs that happened but I am over that. What bothers me is that she has the nerve to try to give me an ultimatum that if he can't come to the wedding she won't be a part of it either is wrong. This isn't her wedding, its my wedding. And I understand that because she is my sister I should probably just cave and say okay, but it has to come to an end. Honestly. And she should get out of her box and think about me for one second and realize that its not about her its about me and FH that day. She is acting as if there will be no one there to talk to. Plenty of our cousins are going shag. What is the BIG DEAL then if she comes alone!

We are having a surprise b-day party for my dad on Saturday. I bet anyone a $1K that the guy won't be there. And she still insists he should go to my wedding!

When I told my mother, she acted as if her behavior is no big deal! I don't get it I really don't. And I tell her, well b/c the princess of the house has to get her way, what she is doing is okay and I have to let her get her way. That is WRONG!! How can we talk about this as a family, when my sister won't tell my parents the truth and my mother said I shouldn't get my father involved. And he would be more upset about the fact I am not letting my sister bring whoever she wants. I think my father will be 10X more upset when he finds out she has had the same BF for the last 8 YEARS!

Thank you everyone for responding. I really need to see if its me and FH just being crazy or what. 3 months before the wedding and I have to deal with drama.

I am sorry that you are going through this. Weddings definitely bring out the worst in people. I would compromise somewhat if I were in your shoes. I would let her bring her boyfriend if its so important but I would also sit down with the family-and everyone else who got an email- and explain the situation. I would definitely let your father know everything. I see no reason why you should cover for her and you be the one to look bad. If he is so important, then everyone should know why. I know she shouldn't insist on this but if he has not done anything to offend you, I think you should let him come. It is wrong for her to act this way and I do agree with you and your FH in principle. But he is her boyfriend of 8 years, not someone she just met. She's being a brat but its not worth being miserable over. You won't even notice him on the wedding day anyway. Good luck.

Thank you Tammy You pretty much said it in a lump sum. I don't mind if this guy comes, As LONG as SHE lets my parents know of who he is. That is all I really want from her. I don't want my father's face to drop to the floor when he sees a guy that he doesn't know sitting next to my sister. My sister has never brought any guy to any family function. Some people asked me if she was lesbian. But of course I already know that answer. I think that will hurt him more than finding out she won't be in the wedding. Because they are really close. Yet she has a BIG secret for over 8 years that only FH and I know about. It is very bratty of her. She is getting pi$$ed off at me that I am not allowing her BF of 8 years to my wedding, well then bring him around. Introduce him to our family. Is that so difficult??? Am I really asking all that much here? I don't think so.

I'm sorry you're going through this now!

However, if you sit your mom and dad down with your FH and explain why you are upset...make sure you explain that she's been going around THEIR BACK (hey fight fire with fire..) for 8 whole years and now on YOUR day she wants to bring him...

Why don't you compromise? Why don't you tell your sister he can come (but why should be get his own invitation - she should get one that says 'XYZ and guest') tell her that if she brings him around so your parents can meet him then he's welcome to attend.

But whether or not do not let her selfishness ruin YOUR day. Trust me people will realize she's being silly and they won't give her more attention than you. having her not there will draw more attention.

Good luck

that really is not right of her... if it were me id probably tell her, that if she doesnt bring him to meet the family before the wedding(a good time might be rehersal dinner?).... and if you are forced to invite him, then after the wedding she can forget about being invited to your place and seeing you..

would your parents really get upset? if shes been seeing this guy for 8 years and is hiding him from your parents woulnt they be upset at her for not being honest with them?

Personally, I wouldn't get involved. It's your sister's battle with your parents and if that's how she wants to live her life, I would just let her...I don't think it's up to you to protect your parents and much less use your wedding day to do it. It's supposed to be a wonderful day--the happiest of your life--why would you purposely create drama around it. I say let the boyfriend come.

But, here's the thing...won't your dad wonder why she's not there if she goes through with pulling out of the wedding? Or, won't your sister have to introduce her date to your parents at the wedding? I think it's all going to come out anyway.

Good luck!!

To be honest, I would knock some sense into her. Being that she is your sister, you would think that she would be more understanding. I would tell my parents the truth about her. She's been with this guy for 8 YEARS, and she hasn't taken him to meet your folks? Nothing is your fault. It's actually her fault for being so selfish. Any other occasion, fine be stupid, but not for your wedding.

I'm sorry if I sound mean, but sh** (sorry)like that really pisses me off. It's extra stress that you just don't need. Good luck with everything.