I am not inviting her boyfriend. In summary this is what has been going on...
1. She has been dating this guy for over 8 years and NO ONE in my family except me knows that she is with anyone.
2. She doesn't ask me, she basically tells me she will give me his address so that he can go to the wedding. I say no we argue, she says she is not going to the bachelorette party and that she won't be in the wedding. This was around the time of our engagement party.
3. She tells me again last week as I am preparing the invitations that she will give me his addy to send him an invite. AGAIN, I said no. YOU need to bring this man around so that my family gets to know him. YOU need to let my parents know what you have been up to all this time with this guy. YOU are not going to bring him to my wedding and prance around on MY day so everyone can talk about you and your boyfriend. She AGAIN threatens me and says she is not going to the bachelorette party and that she won't be in the wedding.
4. SHE sends the girls an e-mail and CC's me yesterday, around the time that I was home mind you, and pretty much states she will no longer be in the wedding party due to.... So she didn't even have the NERVE to tell me to my face.
My GODMOTHER calls my mother (she got an e-mail too) asking my mother what was going on. So my mother and def. my dad have NO IDEA she did this!!!! So now it is MY FAULT because I am not allowing my sister to bring someone. It is MY FAULT that she hasn't brought this person around and she wants to bring him to my wedding. Since my father is giving me money for the wedding it is MY FAULT that he will get pissed off at me that I can't give my sister this much and have her bring someone to my wedding. My father doesn't know yet and my mother said I shouldn't tell him anything. So since my sister tries to portray a goody two shoes daugher lifestyle, I HAVE TO su$$ it up and deal with it and let her bring someone to make HER happy.
NOBODY sees this the way FH and I see this. So now I have to ONCE AGAIN, make somebody else happy besides FH or myself? That isn't FAIR! I am NOT asking for too much here. I have caved NUMEROUS times for everyone for this wedding. I agreed to many people's demands and needs for FH AND MY wedding because they want to be happy over us, of course. It is not about what FH and I want its about what everybody else wants for this wedding. Honestly, its to the point where we should have just gone to an island and done what we talked about. This wedding planning has ripped a few relationships apart. A time when FH and I are supposed to be at our happiest, people refuse to accept that or want that for us. Whoever made up the quote: Weddings bring out the worst in people. I completely agree!!!!
All my mother keeps telling me is its your sister. Ya well, I am HER sister too and you would think she would think about ME and what I WANT not what SHE WANTS on MY DAY!!! I am really hurt by all of this. My sister should be HAPPY for me. And to think that she didn't even have the ball$ to tell me to my face hurts even more. If she brought this guy around my family, my home when ONE of my parents is in the house, not when they are away on vacation, I wouldn't care and of course he would be invited. And they have been together for over EIGHT YEARS!!! You have got to be kidding me. And to think she decided to do this 3 MONTHS before the wedding and right around the holidays! Ya thanks sis!! help.....
butterfly20
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Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...VERY LONG!
Posted by nan&dave
To be honest, I would knock some sense into her. Being that she is your sister, you would think that she would be more understanding. I would tell my parents the truth about her. She's been with this guy for 8 YEARS, and she hasn't taken him to meet your folks? Nothing is your fault. It's actually her fault for being so selfish. Any other occasion, fine be stupid, but not for your wedding.
thats the way i feel.. not for a wedding(especially with the thousands of dollars$$ that are spent on one day)
shelly3950
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Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...VERY LONG!
Posted by LIJuneBride
I think you should tell your sister you will compromise with her - she brings him to your father's birthday party (so the family can meet him) and then you invite her with a guest to your wedding. That way, if there is a big deal over him, it won't be at your wedding and your sister can explain who he is to your family at the birthday party. If she wants him to come to the wedding, he should come as her guest - he should not get a separate invitation. JMO.
I totally agree!!! You don't want a family scandal at your wedding. If its been 8 years it appears this guy is going to be around for a while. Tell your sister you are doing this because you care for her.
Xelindrya
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Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...VERY LONG!
Sorry I have to just add. What a wuss of a guy. I don't know ANY guy i've dated that wouldnt have wanted to know why I haven't introduced him to my parents after 8 years!!! So he must know they don't approve and doesnt seem to mind that she 'hides' him. What a shame.
My hubby is a different 'race'. So what? I brought him over to see my parents in a different state during our first year.
Invite him.
I seriously don't know how YOU haven't said a word yet. This would be beyond my sisterly trust if she used it against me like this. Then again, my family is strange so there's no telling what I would or wouldn't do.
Good Luck though.
Smolokoff
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Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...VERY LONG!
Posted by btrflygrl
I think you should justify your behavior and tell them that it's not just a 'someone' but her boyfriend for the last 8 YEARS!! Why don't they know about him...it must be hard living your life like that....I would not invite him.
I agree!!! I am so sorry you have to go through any of this, and your sister is being very selfish to do this to you for your wedding. How would she feel if it were HER wedding and YOU were the one giving the ultimatums? She is 25 and old enough to handle whatever consequences may come from her actions. You deserve the right to defend yourself to your parents. Tell them the truth, the WHOLE truth, and let your sister face the music finally!!! You have other things to worry about. Good luck!!
Heidi
dgtlsunshine
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Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...VERY LONG!
I have to go against the majority here and say if I were you I would not want him there either.
I don't know your family but evidently your sister thinks your family finding out his race will be a problem or she would have introduced him to your family before.
I am with you I would not want that happening on my wedding day. What if this causes a scene... I mean if they had just started dating or something but 8 years I would tell her to find her own event to invite him too.
What is wrong with people. I swear weddings bring out the worst in people.
Don't let her stress you
Jen_n_Dale
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Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...VERY LONG!
It is strange that she wants them to meet at the wedding.... But does she know if he goes to the wedding he must go to the rehersal dinner as well? Christmas just passed and she could have brought him around then but they choose your wedding day as the day to meet? Sounds like someone needs attention. Maybe I am reading into this a little much.... But I do feel for you!
627399
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Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...VERY LONG!
THANK YOU ALL OF YOU!!! I am really glad people are being honest. I completely agree with each and everyone of you. I don't get it with her I really don't. FH, me and one my BM's discussed this last night and FH and I came to the conclusion that this is what its going to be. She either starts bringing him around as a 'friend'. She has lied for the past 8 years w/ this WOSS (Xelindrya I completely agree on this too!) of a guy, what difference does it make if she tells them he is just a friend. Then eventually tells them they are dating and so on THEN he will be invited to the wedding. She doesn't bring him around, then he isn't coming. Either way my dad will find out about this guy. Whether he hears it from her and sees him for himself or hears it from me-which will be worse! My BM told me that my sister is very bratty. When me and my sister argue the first thing she says to get back at me is that she won't be in the wedding but later goes back on her word. We argue she makes that stupid comment. Sooo that is how it is. I saw my sister last night for about 2 minutes and she walked right back out. And I knew where she was heading. Straight to her BFs. I called her 3x on her celll and she didn't pick up. I know she was getting the call but she wouldn't pick up. Go figure.
Another thing that really irks me the wrong way is that FH and I know this guy. We have seen him in MY house when my parents have been away, have seen HER pick him up at the train station and you would think she would say, hmm maybe we should hang out so they get to know my BF before the wedding. I don't know what she is up to. My BM said that she will come around. I think once my mother realizes that this isn't settling down, sh$t will hit the fan and my sister will have no choice but to be smacked to her senses.
As far as him coming to the RD that isn't happening either. As much as we are paying already per person at the wedding plus the RD, if he even comes to the wedding, that is more than enough!
PrincessRose
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Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...VERY LONG!
To insist on bringing this guy to your wedding, when she hasn't brought him around to meet your parents after EIGHT YEARS? Then to inform everyone by e-mail of her choice not to be in/at your wedding? Look at the way she's acting! It is very clear to me that she only wants to create a commotion at your wedding, and steal your thunder. My uncle is married to an Ethiopian woman, who he dated for several years before they were married. He hadn't brought her to meet the family by the time I had my Bat Mitzvah, and even though he was invited with a Guest, he didn't bring her. Why? To avoid conflict and commotion on my day.
I don't understand why it's 'no big deal' to invite him. I don't have a sister, so I guess I'm not the best person to ask, but if she's going to tell everyone that she's not coming without this guy, you should hold her to that, IMHO.
eroxgirl
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Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...VERY LONG!
I get it (at least I think I do - I'm usually pretty good with manipulative people)...your sister is not only trying to take advantage of you and your FH, she's also trying to take advantage of the fact that your parents won't cause a scene because it is your wedding day - any other day and she'd have to face their opinion. Initially I thought, what's the big deal, let her bring him, but now I understand where you're coming from.
Honestly, I think you should be the one to fill your parents in because she's not going to (as much as it is her responsiblity to do so) but she will/is making you look like the bad guy. I say do it now, then let her bring him so the drama can be settled and your wedding day will be about YOU (as it should be) instead of her.
Good luck!
neesiepie
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Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...VERY LONG!
I say that if she is willing to denounce you to the ENTIRE faily via email, then you should ANNOUNCE the TRUTH about why and do it NOW before your wedding so the drama dies down by then. I say she opened the can of worms, not you!
Sage10.03
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Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...VERY LONG!
Posted by Jen_n_Dale
It is strange that she wants them to meet at the wedding.... But does she know if he goes to the wedding he must go to the rehersal dinner as well? Christmas just passed and she could have brought him around then but they choose your wedding day as the day to meet? Sounds like someone needs attention. Maybe I am reading into this a little much.... But I do feel for you!
Ditto....
She needs to realize your wedding is about YOU AND YOUR FH...not her and her secret BF of 8 years...lol!
to you....sorry you are going through this!
oakslady
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Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...VERY LONG!
i for one would not cave dont invite him and let everyone else deal with it - tell your parents why you arent inviting him - be honest then stick to your guns - she should have more cooth than to pull this kind of stunt anyway and as for her tell her if she had the guts to introduce him to your family in the first place this wouldnt be an issue dont let your family ruin your wedding it is YOUR wedding not theirs - tell them to get a grip you are not going to make them happy this day is about you and your fh not about them good luck and let us know how it turns out
Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...VERY LONG!
on one hand...I do think your sister should be able to bring a date...
but on the other...i totally disagree with the way she has handled things....
my sister gave me tons of agita before my wedding that I never wanted to look at her again...but I smiled for my mothers sake...
I would make a deal...in the next 8 months...she has to bring him over 3 times...
Sassy
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Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...VERY LONG!
Posted by neesiepie
I say that if she is willing to denounce you to the ENTIRE faily via email, then you should ANNOUNCE the TRUTH about why and do it NOW before your wedding so the drama dies down by then. I say she opened the can of worms, not you!
I must say, this is what I agree with the most. Forget her darn secret. Since she had the nerve to send out the email, all bets are off. I'd announce to my parents the REAL reason behind her announcement, and once the cat is out of the bag, tell her she could bring her Boyfriend, now that she has to deal with her parents. Let her go through it with your parents now, before the wedding.
627399
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Member since
Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...UPDATE
After the discussion I had with her, I realized that my sister is really in a dream world. The way she was speaking to me about this, the way she will handle her life in the future, is beyond understanding. The solution was that she will be a part of the wedding (b/c I cornered her and made her make a choice, either I rat her out or she tells my father why she is carrying on this way) but that she will be miserable. Okay so she must have been miserable in all the events we have had in our family for the past 8 years b/c this guy wasn't there. At this point I have realized that she is so jealous of what FH and I have with my family it is unbelievable. She is in a 25 year old body with the mindset of a 15 year old. Everybody except my father knows why she sent that email and why she behaved the way she did. And I don't feel bad at all. I am tired of feeling bad for her, covering up for her, not telling my parents what she is up to when I know where she is. I am done. For her to tell me she will be all miserable at my wedding, is ridiculous. And to hear it come out of her mouth hurts. She wants to be married, she wants the attention I am getting, she wants what FH and I have with my family. And its not my fault she wants to be the 'princess' as my mother has recently started calling her in my father's eyes. She doesn't want my father to be 'dissapointed in her'. That is a bunch of BS. I have really seen my sister's true colors. I thought maybe we could resolve this together and we can start spending more time together with our men but that will never happen. She will never bring this guy around my house while my parents are at home. She made that really clear.
There have been a couple of instances this past weekend where I spoke about the wedding and from the corner of my eyes I could see her making a face and you could tell she was not interested in what I was saying at all. Another incident she bluntly tried to control another wedding conversation that I was having with my mom and a BM by calling the dog. She was calling the dog sooo loud that she was screaming and screaming in my left ear no less. That is flat out childish and obnoxious. I went off on her for doing that. That is what a four year old does when they want attention not a 25 year old! So I realize more and more how petty and jealous she has become. Its sad that this had to happen all around an event that is meant to be full of love and happiness. But it also made me realize the type of person my sister really is. I completely disagree with the way she carries on and as I always say what comes around goes around. One day she will be caught with this lie. And I won't be there to help her get out of it.
On another note-she has stopped speaking to FH. She won't even say hello to him. So FH stopped doing the same. I guess now she wants to be mad at somebody else since we have made up and everything turned out how FH and I wanted it. Oh well.
Thank you everyone for helping me. I really appreciate it. The wedding planning has brought the best and the worst out of people in our lives. It really has. I am really glad this forum is around to allow us to discuss all our concerns throughout the wedding process. I am looking forward to putting this all behind me and moving on to spend the rest of my life with FH. Thanks again!
Sage10.03
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Member since
Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...UPDATE
I am so sorry your sister is doing this to you and that she is obviously so jealous that she can't see past her envy to be happty for her own sister....It's sad actually!! Instead of being mad at her....I would feel pity for her....for having to stoop to those levels to try and undermine your wedding day and planning process.
I am sorry and wish you nothing but the best!
bridzilla
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Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...UPDATE
OH my God! If my sister acted this way, I would disinvite her myself. She is your sister she should be helping you deal with stress during this time, not add to it. From what you have said, she seem unbelievably childish. Don't play her games! Stick to your guns and do what you thinks is right. (Which I think is kicking her out of the entire celebration.) Good Luck!!
LImom
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Member since
Re: My SISTER pulled out of the wedding...UPDATE
May I please add my two cents? I wasn't able to read all of your responses, and someone may have already said this before. If she were my sister, I would go to her in person and speak as calmly as I can. I would say I love her dearly, would love for her to be happy and to be at my wedding, but SHE needs to go to our parents and explain the whole situation. I would give her the ultimatum right back. Once our parents know about him and the whole 8 year secrecy is over, if they welcome him at the wedding, and into our lives, so would I.
Her instincts may be right and your parents may not want him there. Then it's definitely not your problem.
If you invite him to your wedding without your parents' knowledge, they may turn around to you and say you condoned a relationship they knew nothing about and that you supported her in this huge secret all these years. It's the lieing and deceit that bothers me and 8 years is a very long time for a family to be lieing to eachother. I would be extremely hurt if my children did this to me. Make her understand you want peace and harmony in your family - enough lieing and hiding behind closed doors.
And I'm still wondering, how was she going to explain spending an entire night with one person. Was she going to say this is someone she just met at the wedding???? It still doesn't make sense. She sounds very confused and immature.
