my soon to be ex husband is calling me and

he is begging for me to give him another chance.. the phone calls started last week, brief ones but this week it has been frequent. Hes basically admitting our problems all had to do with his drinking, he cant take this that life anymore, he misses me and our life we had when it was good. He says he realizes he was a better person with me and that I brought out the goodness in him.
He says he wants to get help and quit drinking and get out of the Long Beach scene thats been his vice all of these years.


WHY DOES HE HAVE TO DO THIS NOW?

I finally have been doing ok. Not crying as much, trying to move on with my life...

Grass is always greener on the other side.

I am in NO WAY getting back with him but it still hurts. He still is my husband and I still love,care and worry about him. He has a problem and he finally is starting to realize that I am one of the few that cares about what happens to him. his friends dont. him mom and sister are both alcoholics and his dad used to verbally abuse him- so he doesnt have family support. I guess i just feel sorry for him.

I know hes a big boy and all of that stuff but I still cant help feeling sad right now.

I think also with the holidays coming, hes really down. I have been also. Its hard around the holidays when you dont have a significant other to share with.

anyway, that is my morning vent!!!

Oh No! This must be so confusing for you. At least he has admitted he needs to change his way of living. Always remember to do what is right for you.

This must be so difficult for you, stay strong and do what is best for you. My ex-husband called me for a year after we separated and it was so hard.

So sorry you have to go through this when things have been going better. Stay strong.

awww hun that must b so confusing 4 u!!! he needs to get his life back on track w/o ur help--like u said he is a big boy--and who knows where that will take u guys, but 4 now u need to focus on urself!!!

dont let this set u back, i kno u have good moments and bad moments especially with the holidays coming up but try and focus on all the good things u have in ur life!

I've been following your story and I can't believe he's calling you. That must be so hard, especially after how strong you have been, and especially since of course you care about him still.

Please just be careful...like you said, people do and say things around the holiday season out of loneliness. The last thing you want to do is move backwards and let him hurt you again.

Good luck - do what your heart and your head tells you and you can't go wrong.

Why is it always when you're just about doing good.......and they gotta ruin it???? Well he is your husband and your love and caring for him will never leave. Although never say never as far as getting back together, let him get his help first and let him be 'good' for a while....and hey, you just never know.....maybe by next time this year or even earlier, you guys will be back together again happily than ever!

Good luck and stay strong although I know thats real hard to do!

You need to tell him to call you AFTER he has entered a rehab place and has been clean and sober for at least 1 year. Let him prove to you that he is serious about getting his act together and really values your love for him!!

Lots of hugs for you because this is so hard!!

Tough love will work!!

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Posted by Lisa Rose

You need to tell him to call you AFTER he has entered a rehab place and has been clean and sober for at least 1 year. Let him prove to you that he is serious about getting his act together and really values your love for him!!

Lots of hugs for you because this is so hard!!

Tough love will work!!

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I could not agree more -
It must be so hard for you - your finally doing better, putting the pieces back together - then WHAM! One phone call can set you completely back. Just try to be strong - I know you said that you would not go back to him - but right now that shouldn't be a thought anyway - he needs to straighten out his life now - ON HIS OWN - you did your best - you made every effort - he turned away from you - Now he needs to get his act together and he needs to do it for himself - nobody else. I wish you all the luck - just keep doing what you are doing - its working! You are a very strong woman!

I agree with LisaRose....however i thought i would share a story of my friend who went through the same thing about 3 years ago....

She dated a guy who pretty much sounds like he had the same problems like your soon to be ex husband. About 6 months after she moved out and was even starting to date again he called her (around the holidays as well) and said pretty much the same things....i want to change, i will change to be with you because i can't imagine my life without you. She went back to him and he went to rehab for two weeks and was soon back to his partying ways. She left him for good two months after that.....and now she is remarried and happy.....but she always said she should of waited for him to actually act on what he was saying and not just saying that stuff.....

Even if you are hoping what he says is true then i would wait until he is in rehab for awhile and has moved away from the Long Beach party zone....


Just thought i share with you......I know how hard this must be for you

i think the best thing you could do for him would be to tell him to go get the help he needs, and that you'll be there to support him...but there will be NO relationship until he has made serious changes and has been sober for at least a year....it doesn't have to be over.....but his final realization of the fact taht he's been a jerk is not enough to not get the divorce.
Be strong...I know you can do it!

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Posted by Lisa Rose

You need to tell him to call you AFTER he has entered a rehab place and has been clean and sober for at least 1 year. Let him prove to you that he is serious about getting his act together and really values your love for him!!

Lots of hugs for you because this is so hard!!

Tough love will work!!

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I wholeheartedly agree with Lisa Rose... excellent advice

While I'm sure you WANT to believe that he is going to help himself and that he truly means it when he says he wants to clean up his act, actions speak louder than words. WHEN he's actually DONE what he says he wants to do, then you might be able to communicate and talk with him and see if the love is truly there

Based on your posts, I have seen how much progress you've been making by trying to put this past you.. and its unfortunate that NOW he is beginning to wake up and see all that he is losing with you. But remain strong and continue to focus on YOUR life, not his. While he is still your husband and you still care for him, by his actions it seems that in essence he left your marriage well before you separated.

Many hugs of support for you

I too agree with Lisa Rose.

If it were me and I still had love for him, I wouldn't shut the door on him. I am not saying welcome him back in your life completely, but see what he is going to do.

I hope it all works out for you.

While it is good that he has started to come to grips with the fact that he has a problem. I feel from what you have told us, that he is looking for help from you to fix it.

With any addiction, this cannot be done. He needs to fix this one on his own. It will be better for him in the long run to achieve and maintain sobriety.

I too agree to maybe readdress the situation, if you want to, after he completes a year of sobriety.

I've been there with my father, FM me if you want to talk.

I agree 100% with Lisa Rose (sorry I don't know how to quote!)

The same thing happened to me. Although this was only a boyfriend not a husband. We broke up over his drinking, etc. Well after a while, he called and wanted to get back together saying he would change. Nieve me, got back together with him, and then he BROKE UP WITH ME BECAUSE HE SAID I WAS SMOTHERING HIM AND MOTHERING HIM AND HE NEED A DRINK!

I think watching were this goes, and being there for him to a point, is very reasonable advice.. Don't shut him out, you may be all he really has, but your HAPPINESS HAS TO COME FIRST! I learned that the hard way..

thanks for all of the advice. It isnt in my personality or heart to abandon him completely. I know he has done things that have hurt me but I truly understand and believe he has a serious problem. However, I am not in a state of mind to get back with him. Too much has happened- I just cant turn back. And I told him that. But I also told him that I am here if he ever needs anything. I said that I believed in him and that he is a good person that has a good heart- but he needs professional help for his problems and needs to realize this for himself, not for me.
At least we are talking civilly and listening to what each other says rather than yelling.
I miss him especially with the holidays coming but its a different kind of 'miss'.
Anyway thanks for all of the advice, fm's and hugs!!! I appreciate them all!!!!!!!!