First to give a little background...the wedding is being split 50/50 by my dad and Future in laws. Now:
I don't know what to do -- FFIL is totally into showing off. He wants to add all these extras that I don't want and take things away because they are a 'waste.' For example, he wants to eliminate the bread and cheese plate at CH because its 'cheap.' (His words, not mine.) My father is a passive person and FMIL has stressed him terribly for various reasons and wants nothing to do with them, so I have a feeling that he will just say whatever to anything FFIL says.
It even got to the point where FFIL was like 'oh, Robyn doesn't care. We'll just go to Fox Hollow the week before to take care of all the extras and make our final payment. ' I kept saying that i DID care and that i WOULD be going to that. I had to say it three or four times before he took me seriously.
The thing is, I don't want all these silly extras. Even though I'm not paying for the wedding, I think its too much -- cavier, an upgraded menu (when I think the regular menu looks great), lobster, martini bar, etc. I KNOW FFIL is trying to compete with friends who threw a wedding two years ago and I think its so stupid.
What do I do? I talked to my father, practically begging him to stand up to FFIL and say that he doesn't want all these extras. And then FFIL thinks I don't care when indeed I do and have said so. And FH doesn't care either way about what food we have and thinks I should just let it be.
I don't know what to do. Please help.
MrsC2b
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
all i have to say is this is ur wedding.. and everything needs to be done the way you want it... its ur night to remember not ur inlaws..
R&J0806
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
Thanks for all your advice girls. I spoke to my father and LOVE the response he's crafted to give FFIL:
'FFIL, I'm paying for half of your guest list which is more than double the size of mine and I'm happy to do so. But I think the menu is fine as it is. If you want all of those extras, great. But I'm not splitting those costs with you.'
YAY for Daddy!!!! I feel so much better now.
I hope I didn't offend anyone with this post because I know I am fortunate not to be paying for my wedding myself. But I KNOW FIL's are trying to top the wedding friends of theirs hosted two years ago and I am just not into it.
smara
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
Posted by robynlevy
Thanks for all your advice girls. I spoke to my father and LOVE the response he's crafted to give FFIL:
'FFIL, I'm paying for half of your guest list which is more than double the size of mine and I'm happy to do so. But I think the menu is fine as it is. If you want all of those extras, great. But I'm not splitting those costs with you.'
YAY for Daddy!!!! I feel so much better now.
I hope I didn't offend anyone with this post because I know I am fortunate not to be paying for my wedding myself. But I KNOW FIL's are trying to top the wedding friends of theirs hosted two years ago and I am just not into it.
Good for your dad, I think that is a nice and direct way of putting it. I hope it all works out and your concerns were reasonable. If anything you were looking out for your father.
luvmyhuny
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
I don't think I would be upset about this. I wish my FIL would actually take an initiative to do something for this wedding. My parents are paying for our family & my FH & I are paying for the rest.. Meanwhile the rest is almost 50k !!! So if I was you I would totally be extatic about this.. Just think of all the $$ you guys will be making that will help you start saving for a house. I already know that I have no shot ever being able to afford a house...especially here in BK !
So try to relax and tell him that you love the fact that they want to do all this for you.. but you want toi be involved with everything even though they are paying for it.
Good luck
babybug631
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
I didn't read thru the whole post, so I don't know if this was already said. But, you need to sit down with FH and FFIL and set the record straight. Get FH involved.
glinda_goodwitch
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
Posted by luvmyhuny
I don't think I would be upset about this. I wish my FIL would actually take an initiative to do something for this wedding. My parents are paying for our family & my FH & I are paying for the rest.. Meanwhile the rest is almost 50k !!! So if I was you I would totally be extatic about this.. Just think of all the $$ you guys will be making that will help you start saving for a house. I already know that I have no shot ever being able to afford a house...especially here in BK !
So try to relax and tell him that you love the fact that they want to do all this for you.. but you want toi be involved with everything even though they are paying for it.
Good luck
But the problem is that her dad is paying for half of everything, so having her FIL add all these things to the menu means her dad also has to pay more.
Summer101
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
it always makes me wonder why people who are paying for someone else's event think it means they can choose what THEY want and not the person who the event is FOR.
i would think the reason (i would hope so at least) that someone would be so gracious as to offer to pay for something like i wedding would be to help the bride and groom out or because they care about them and want to do something nice. however, it seems in your case that FFIL is doing it either all or in part to show off and that's a shame. i feel this way because if he wasn't being that way about it he would be asking you every five minutes what YOU and your FH want and not saying what HE wants.
i'm so sorry you are going through this. i would have FH (since it is his dad) talk to him and explain that you and FH are satisfied with what the wedding includes (regardless of who is paying) and explain that those are your wishes. hopefully, he will understand his son's feelings. if not, you or your dad might have to say: all that stuff is nice but it's really not necessary and not what robyn and her FH want and that's that.
good luck and i hope it works out!!
hmm8191
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
You don't need your father to stand up for him. It's your wedding and it should be the way YOU and DH want it to be. I'm not being harsh (I swear) I'm just trying to make you see that you need to stand up for yourself!!
Summer101
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
Posted by smara
Posted by robynlevy
Thanks for all your advice girls. I spoke to my father and LOVE the response he's crafted to give FFIL:
'FFIL, I'm paying for half of your guest list which is more than double the size of mine and I'm happy to do so. But I think the menu is fine as it is. If you want all of those extras, great. But I'm not splitting those costs with you.'
YAY for Daddy!!!! I feel so much better now.
I hope I didn't offend anyone with this post because I know I am fortunate not to be paying for my wedding myself. But I KNOW FIL's are trying to top the wedding friends of theirs hosted two years ago and I am just not into it.
Good for your dad, I think that is a nice and direct way of putting it. I hope it all works out and your concerns were reasonable. If anything you were looking out for your father.
just read that!!! OOH good for him-- i'm so happy you worked it out!!!
BlueTulip
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
Posted by LaurenluvsTJ
Posted by NinaChris07
Posted by robynlevy
we are splitting EVERYTHING down the middle -- so yes, my father will be paying for half of the extras FFIL wants. AND FIL's guest list is almost double what my father has -- and they are splitting that as well.
I hate that my father is so passive. I feel like I'm caught in the middle.
If they are splitting the costs down the middle, then you can talk to FFIL and say that if he wants these extras, then he should foot the ENTIRE bill for those extras, bc your father doesn't want them and you dont either...
Can you talk to FH about it?
Oh, see I misunderstood your original post, I thought FFIL was paying for all his extras. If your family is equally splitting the costs, then say sorry, but no. If he wants the extras, then he should pay for them.
I totally agree-if FFIL wants these things than your family should not have to pay. In your shoes, I would join forces with FH and sit doen with FFIL and let him know that if he wants the extras he need to pay 100%.
sr081906
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
Throught many posts I read and experience with my own friends, it is unfortunate that some family member (moms, dads, FFIL, FMIL) are imposing their will because they are paying.
They forget who it is for.... the bride and groom.
It becomes a show-off to impress their friends or relive the wedding of THEIR dream they would have loved for themselves.
I think it's great when you parents help you with money, it's sad when it comes with strings attached.
FH and I are paying for our own wedding. Yes, that means we have a smaller budget but in the end it's exactly how we want it to be.
Good luck to you! In the end, you will love your day and will have many memories for a lifetime.
VadersBride2006
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
Posted by weddingbunny
Posted by VadersBride2006
Posted by Blu-ize
Posted by VadersBride2006
I don't want to sound b**chy but as a bride to be with three kids and FH and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, if I had someone tell me they wanted me to have all the 'extras' and wanted to pay for them, I would jump for joy!
I would say, concentrate on the things you can control like your dress, the BP, the flowers and decorations and just be happy. There are so many other things to be concerned with.
I have to say that I agree, however, it sounds more like a control issue here that she's feeling. It's her and her FH's wedding and she wants it to feel like her wedding with her tastes and choices.
Oh, I understand that, but there are soooo many other ways to make it theirs!
I'd say I agree with this as well, and that there are definitely bigger concerns and ways to make it hers - although I also understand the frustration of wanting it to feel like 'their' wedding - but I think the fact the the FILs are pushing these add ons and expecting her father to cover the price as well is a bit unfair. It also sounds like the FFIL is just really pushy and this is making an unpleasant start to their relationship together - it will set the tone for the way he treats them for the rest of their lives together, and I see that as an issue worth standing up for.
I'm definitely a fan of picking your battles, and in my book cocktail hour food isn't a battle to pick... but a FIL who wants to control everything is something that you need to nip in the bud, in my opinion.
Exactly! But my impression from the original post was that FFIL only was concerned with the food and the cocktail hour, NOT trying to control the ENTIRE wedding - which is why I said what I did!
Swan06
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
Honestly, I wish my inlaws were paying for half my wedding! Your going to have to learn how to pick your battles. I don't think that this is the worst thing your inlaws can do. Your going to be so wrapped up in other things that it's not really going to matter. It's not like their picking the dress for you. Good luck!
Edited to say: I agree that your parents shouldn't flip the bill for the upgrades that your inlaws want! If they want upgrades, let them pay for it!
becca888
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
IF HE IS EXPECTING YOUR DAD TO PAY HALF OF THE EXTRAS, THEN YOU HAVE TO SLAM YOUR FOOT DOWN GIRL!!!
Didn't they discuss a 'budget' at some point??
If you don't get tough now, just think of the future, he'll spend YOUR money for you on your home, your kids' education, etc. etc.! Come on now, stand up and let your voice be heard!
anglbyme
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
Well I know you say your FH doesn'treally care either way but if you feel you can't get through to HIS father...Your wishes should be known and your FH should stand up for you and tell his father. I would really stress you FH help you out here.
Bigbroad555
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Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!
If he is paying the extras out of his own pocket then let him......
We are having a Vow Blessing we've been married 11 years in June were actually having it on our date June 24..
Long story short hubby never made his communion/confirmation and because I had married and divorced a few months after we couldn't get married in the catholic church so 11 years later with a lack of form letting me marry in the catholic chhurch we have to have our Vow Blessed like we were never married in the Catholic Church and believe me we are going ALL OUT FOR THIS................................................
My advice to you if he is picking up the tab then don't fret....
If he expects to go 50/50 then tell him you can't afford anymore make this clear ! So there are no hard feelings..
If he insists then you must tell him he wil have to pay, HEY you should be happy he is making you a princess..
