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My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

R&J0806 Posted:

My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

First to give a little background...the wedding is being split 50/50 by my dad and Future in laws. Now:

I don't know what to do -- FFIL is totally into showing off. He wants to add all these extras that I don't want and take things away because they are a 'waste.' For example, he wants to eliminate the bread and cheese plate at CH because its 'cheap.' (His words, not mine.) My father is a passive person and FMIL has stressed him terribly for various reasons and wants nothing to do with them, so I have a feeling that he will just say whatever to anything FFIL says.

It even got to the point where FFIL was like 'oh, Robyn doesn't care. We'll just go to Fox Hollow the week before to take care of all the extras and make our final payment. ' I kept saying that i DID care and that i WOULD be going to that. I had to say it three or four times before he took me seriously.

The thing is, I don't want all these silly extras. Even though I'm not paying for the wedding, I think its too much -- cavier, an upgraded menu (when I think the regular menu looks great), lobster, martini bar, etc. I KNOW FFIL is trying to compete with friends who threw a wedding two years ago and I think its so stupid.

What do I do? I talked to my father, practically begging him to stand up to FFIL and say that he doesn't want all these extras. And then FFIL thinks I don't care when indeed I do and have said so. And FH doesn't care either way about what food we have and thinks I should just let it be.

I don't know what to do. Please help.
LaurenluvsTJ Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

I'm not sure what to tell you... if he is paying for it then I don't really see how you can argue. Can you ask FH to talk to him.
Why don't you want the extras? If FFIL can afford it, then why not have them? Who cares if he's trying to 'compete?' No, weddings aren't competitions, but think of it as you are getting some really nice add ons to your day!
ali120206 Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

Is he expecting to split the cost of the extras with your father? If he is, then I'd definitely say something (since he's spending your father's money).

If it's bothering you then you should talk to him (just him, not with your FMIL since she seems unreasonable) and say listen, this is how I feel.

It's hard though when parents contribute money to a wedding though to go against them since they are contributing money. I haven't had a problem with my FILs adding extravagant items to our wedding, they keep adding guests. They are contributing towards their extra guest cost and our hall can accomodate it so there's not much we can do. We have actually made a joke about it, we're doing an over/under on the final guest list size.
R&J0806 Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

we are splitting EVERYTHING down the middle -- so yes, my father will be paying for half of the extras FFIL wants. AND FIL's guest list is almost double what my father has -- and they are splitting that as well.

I hate that my father is so passive. I feel like I'm caught in the middle.
NinaChris07 Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

Posted by robynlevy

we are splitting EVERYTHING down the middle -- so yes, my father will be paying for half of the extras FFIL wants. AND FIL's guest list is almost double what my father has -- and they are splitting that as well.

I hate that my father is so passive. I feel like I'm caught in the middle.


If they are splitting the costs down the middle, then you can talk to FFIL and say that if he wants these extras, then he should foot the ENTIRE bill for those extras, bc your father doesn't want them and you dont either...

Can you talk to FH about it?
nposa07 Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

This is a tough situation to be in b/c ( and I'm in this spot too) when other people are helping to pay for the wedding...their opinions have to count for something. It is a difficult spot b/c we want our days to be perfect but when money gets involved it can turn ugly at times. What does your FH say about the upgrades? I think that the ladies are right in saying that your FH should say something b/c it might be a little better since the FFIL seems to think you don't care. I'm so sorry to hear about the stresses but I hope that your day turns out to still be the most amazing day of your life.....no matter what!
LaurenluvsTJ Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

Posted by NinaChris07

Posted by robynlevy

we are splitting EVERYTHING down the middle -- so yes, my father will be paying for half of the extras FFIL wants. AND FIL's guest list is almost double what my father has -- and they are splitting that as well.

I hate that my father is so passive. I feel like I'm caught in the middle.


If they are splitting the costs down the middle, then you can talk to FFIL and say that if he wants these extras, then he should foot the ENTIRE bill for those extras, bc your father doesn't want them and you dont either...

Can you talk to FH about it?


Oh, see I misunderstood your original post, I thought FFIL was paying for all his extras. If your family is equally splitting the costs, then say sorry, but no. If he wants the extras, then he should pay for them.
VadersBride2006 Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

I don't want to sound b**chy but as a bride to be with three kids and FH and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, if I had someone tell me they wanted me to have all the 'extras' and wanted to pay for them, I would jump for joy!

I would say, concentrate on the things you can control like your dress, the BP, the flowers and decorations and just be happy. There are so many other things to be concerned with.
Blu-ize Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

Posted by VadersBride2006

I don't want to sound b**chy but as a bride to be with three kids and FH and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, if I had someone tell me they wanted me to have all the 'extras' and wanted to pay for them, I would jump for joy!

I would say, concentrate on the things you can control like your dress, the BP, the flowers and decorations and just be happy. There are so many other things to be concerned with.


I have to say that I agree, however, it sounds more like a control issue here that she's feeling. It's her and her FH's wedding and she wants it to feel like her wedding with her tastes and choices.
VadersBride2006 Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

Posted by Blu-ize

Posted by VadersBride2006

I don't want to sound b**chy but as a bride to be with three kids and FH and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, if I had someone tell me they wanted me to have all the 'extras' and wanted to pay for them, I would jump for joy!

I would say, concentrate on the things you can control like your dress, the BP, the flowers and decorations and just be happy. There are so many other things to be concerned with.


I have to say that I agree, however, it sounds more like a control issue here that she's feeling. It's her and her FH's wedding and she wants it to feel like her wedding with her tastes and choices.


Oh, I understand that, but there are soooo many other ways to make it theirs!
Blu-ize Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

Posted by VadersBride2006

Posted by Blu-ize

Posted by VadersBride2006

I don't want to sound b**chy but as a bride to be with three kids and FH and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, if I had someone tell me they wanted me to have all the 'extras' and wanted to pay for them, I would jump for joy!

I would say, concentrate on the things you can control like your dress, the BP, the flowers and decorations and just be happy. There are so many other things to be concerned with.


I have to say that I agree, however, it sounds more like a control issue here that she's feeling. It's her and her FH's wedding and she wants it to feel like her wedding with her tastes and choices.



Oh, I understand that, but there are soooo many other ways to make it theirs![/QUOTE

True-
Shiv Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

It sounds like he's inviting alot of guests, probably some you don't know, and wants to take good care of them. So I would just be thankful for the extras because it will be a wonderful no matter what- whether there's caviar or a cheese plate.

However, I agree that your father should stand up and make him pay for the extras since it's not your father's guests or wants. But there's no way for you to force that, it will be your father that makes the decision to confront him.

The only way out of situation like this is paying for your own wedding, which from my experience is hell as well. You want things but can't afford them. So you should feel lucky not upset.
weddingbunny Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

Posted by VadersBride2006

Posted by Blu-ize

Posted by VadersBride2006

I don't want to sound b**chy but as a bride to be with three kids and FH and I are paying for our wedding ourselves, if I had someone tell me they wanted me to have all the 'extras' and wanted to pay for them, I would jump for joy!

I would say, concentrate on the things you can control like your dress, the BP, the flowers and decorations and just be happy. There are so many other things to be concerned with.


I have to say that I agree, however, it sounds more like a control issue here that she's feeling. It's her and her FH's wedding and she wants it to feel like her wedding with her tastes and choices.


Oh, I understand that, but there are soooo many other ways to make it theirs!


I'd say I agree with this as well, and that there are definitely bigger concerns and ways to make it hers - although I also understand the frustration of wanting it to feel like 'their' wedding - but I think the fact the the FILs are pushing these add ons and expecting her father to cover the price as well is a bit unfair. It also sounds like the FFIL is just really pushy and this is making an unpleasant start to their relationship together - it will set the tone for the way he treats them for the rest of their lives together, and I see that as an issue worth standing up for.

I'm definitely a fan of picking your battles, and in my book cocktail hour food isn't a battle to pick... but a FIL who wants to control everything is something that you need to nip in the bud, in my opinion.
mskittynj Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

If they're adding all these extras it means your dad will have to pick up HALF the tab for it! Maybe you should just tell them your parents can't afford these things....
XOXOXO
Kitty
sarahthegreat Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

i don't care who pays, it is still YOUR day. don't let the fils push you around. tell them flat out no you want a regular menu and no fancy extras.

Nadia Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

Posted by mskittynj

If they're adding all these extras it means your dad will have to pick up HALF the tab for it! Maybe you should just tell them your parents can't afford these things....
XOXOXO
Kitty


I am totally agree.
you should talk to you FFIL.
if he is willing to pay the extra, so let him pay..
glinda_goodwitch Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

I think you need to sit down with your dad, FILs and FH and let your FILs know that your father can't afford to split the cost of all the extras. If they want the extras, they can pay for them. My parents are paying, but for any extras that my ILs want (seafood station and chocolate fountain) , they are paying for those. It's not fair that your dad should pay for things he doesn't even want.

glinda_goodwitch Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

If your FIL is willing to pay, then I say have an extravagent wedding at his expense!
JanuaryBride06 Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

If the FFIL was paying for all of it, I'd say enjoy. But because the cost is being split between both sets of parents and because the in laws have double the guests, that's a lot to pay for and it's unfair to your dad!

Your dad has to speak up and your FH needs to talk to his parents. A wedding is not a competition!
TheBigDay Posted:

Re: My wedding is getting TOO extravagant!

Posted by NinaChris07

Posted by robynlevy

we are splitting EVERYTHING down the middle -- so yes, my father will be paying for half of the extras FFIL wants. AND FIL's guest list is almost double what my father has -- and they are splitting that as well.

I hate that my father is so passive. I feel like I'm caught in the middle.


If they are splitting the costs down the middle, then you can talk to FFIL and say that if he wants these extras, then he should foot the ENTIRE bill for those extras, bc your father doesn't want them and you dont either...

Can you talk to FH about it?


I agree with this.. it is not right to split something down the middle and have such a lop sided guest list and then wanting to add extras... and i do agree it feels like LI wedding are competitions! which is why FH and i have pretty much made all our own decisions.. his mom tends to want 'things' to show off and demands everything instead of asking... She even doesnt like my invite wording which is neutral since we are all paying (as she should since we are spending plenty of $$ on a band which i could care less for and her/his side of the list is 2.5 times bigger than mine!) but she wants the invite to be my parents and her request the honor of ... instead of leaving it neutral since FH and I are paying just as much! never mind all that my parents are paying for a completly lop sided guest list!

Stick to your guns.. he wants all these extras let him know he is going to have to pay for it it is not fair to ask you or your parents to pay for something you dont want.

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