Nedd Advice!! BM Drama :cries:

Ugh, so I need to vent and need some advice. All of my BMs have been so great since I got engaged back in April, except one of them, who I am not as close to anymore because she lives far away and just had a baby. My two sisters are my MOHs - and btw they are amazing and are totally going above and beyond. They have been planning my shower for a few months now, so they emailed all the BMs back in September to let them know the deal for the shower and how much it was going to cost. My sister asked everyone if they were cool with splitting the costs and how much they would be responsible for before she booked the place and they all said yes. So my sis booked the place, and gave a non-refundable deposit.

Fast forward three months, this one BM (who by the way is the only one who never checks in to see how the wedding plans are going, never sent a congrats when we got engaged and is the only one who has not ordered her dress yet - deadline is next week) e-mails my sister saying she 'didn't realize' my sister wanted her to chip in for the shower (even though the e-mail my sis sent was very clear), and that she can't afford it.

What really makes me so upset is that I was a BM in her wedding and I went out of my way to make her shower special, and I put in a good amount of money towards it, yet she told my sister, 'in my family it's tradition that the mother and the sisters should pay for the entire shower.' That's not even true, and even if it were, she should have just said that three months ago!

I don't know what to do Advice?! I am wondering if I should just tell her she doesn't have to be a BM and I will understand if she just wants to back out. Has anyone ever done that before? I don't know what the proper thing to do is!!!!

It sounds to me as if she really cant be bothered with your wedding and has no interest in being a part of it at all....actions speak louder than words. IMO you should tell her that you understand she is going through financial hardships and therefore you are doing her a favor by relieving her of BM duties.

Any friend who intentionally adds more stress to a bride during her special time isnt a true friend to begin with.

Im sorry you have to deal with this.

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Posted by DANAnPATRICK

It sounds to me as if she really cant be bothered with your wedding and has no interest in being a part of it at all....actions speak louder than words. IMO you should tell her that you understand she is going through financial hardships and therefore you are doing her a favor by relieving her of BM duties.

Any friend who intentionally adds more stress to a bride during her special time isnt a true friend to begin with.

Im sorry you have to deal with this.

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ITA

That stinks I'm sorry! I totally understand that sometimes people can't afford the costs associated with being in the BP, but they need to be upfront, otherwise it'll only make it worse inthe end.

I hope you're able to have a convo with her about what you expected and what she did... I already had to sit my MOH down because we have been drifting apart, but it worked out for the best :)

I agree w/ the other girls. I understand not being in a financial situation where you can help, but she should have most certainly mentioned this earlier. At the very least she could have offered to do the favors, centerpieces, etc. just so that she could have a hand in the process if she cant give a lump sum. If I were you I would be honest and just say I realize that it is a lot of responsibility being a BM and considering your financial situation and the new addition of your baby I think it would be best for you and I both if you didn't have another thing to worry about. I def think that in this situation it would be proper to say peace lol sorry you are going through this!!! we are not getting married until '12 and I haven't officially asked anyone b/c I dont want to be stuck w/ someone I am not close with anymore!! lol

OMG I swear to you I know EXACTLY what your going through!! It seems like there is ALWAYS one in the BP that has to cause the bride stress!! Everyone of my bridesmaids has their dress but this one particular BM.

I'm not going to get into my drama at all, but what if you kick her out of the BP?? Obviously, if she didn't send her congrats to you, she prob doesn't value the friendship like you do. It sucks because you were there for her all the way when she got married, but when the shoe is on the other foot...she can't do the same. Worse case is that you have to pair 2 groomsmen with 1 BM. I'm giving you the advice I'm taking for myself. Too much BS with my BM, I want a stress-free wedding. Good luck girl!!!!!!

Whats with people not realizing that being a BM or MOH involves money!? I hear way too many horror stories where 'my BM wont pitch in, or cannot afford XYZ'. When someone says YES, to 'will you be my bridesmaid' you have to figure that you will be paying for stuff.
Your friend totally seems like she cant be bothered, and i'm so sorry to hear that. Personally, i would kick her out of the bridal party. It ticked me off when you said that she didnt even congratulate you when you got engaged!!! Even a friend of mine, who we kinda grew apart, called me the night i got engaged (facebook lol).
Save yourself, and your sister, a big headache and kick her out!

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Posted by DANAnPATRICK

It sounds to me as if she really cant be bothered with your wedding and has no interest in being a part of it at all....actions speak louder than words. IMO you should tell her that you understand she is going through financial hardships and therefore you are doing her a favor by relieving her of BM duties.

Any friend who intentionally adds more stress to a bride during her special time isnt a true friend to begin with.

Im sorry you have to deal with this.

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I also agree with this 100%

dump her...and not bc of the $. I'm always broke lol BUT I'd show interest ina friend's wedding planning!

end this drama now. just say I think this bis too much for you right now but Id still love you to come as a guest.

this is hard... I agree with the girls about 'dumping' her, but i understand how hard that can actually be. It might be awkward after you discuss things with her, but maybe it's worth it to sit down with her and let her know how you feel about everything and what you did for her wedding (she might not even know). Also, maybe you can tell her that you will help her with her dress or something as your gift to her, instead of getting her something for being in the wedding... ? IDK this is really hard!!!

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Posted by Jennielee15

Wow, it must be our date! haha! My MOH is in Alaska and has two kids and is overly stressed and financially strapped. That doesn't bother me. The fact she hasn't reached out to my BM's at all and barely even calls to say hi is annoying. I was her BM and had all the duties of a MOH. So frustrating!

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Oh no! That's really annoying. I would be so upset if it was my actual MOH not doing her duties. I can see how a BM might think everyone else will cover things, but the MOH should know that she has responsibilities - especially if she has already been married! I hope it gets better for you!

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Posted by DANAnPATRICK

It sounds to me as if she really cant be bothered with your wedding and has no interest in being a part of it at all....actions speak louder than words. IMO you should tell her that you understand she is going through financial hardships and therefore you are doing her a favor by relieving her of BM duties.

Any friend who intentionally adds more stress to a bride during her special time isnt a true friend to begin with.

Im sorry you have to deal with this.

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Agree.

Dont ask her if she wants to back out. Tell her its better if she just come as a guest.

DONT be affraid of hurting her feelings. You can do it nicely. BUT, she cant be bothered with anything (dress, checking in). She doesent realize that all you want is a friend. If she cant afford it, fine. But she isnt even interested in anything, or just saying 'i cant eb there to help, but let me know if just need to talk'.

Kick her to the curb and rid yourslef of the drama. Whats the worst thing that happens? You loose her as a friend? Shes not being a good friend to YOU.

As someone who had a MOH who sounds exactly like your BM (I wound up giving her a dress out of my own damn closet to wear for the wedding! ) do yourself a favor and give her an out. Tell her you understand she must be busy with the kids and she's obviously having money troubles and you don't want to burden her with these responsibilities. I bet you'll both be happier.

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Posted by BellaRegina

Whats with people not realizing that being a BM or MOH involves money!? I hear way too many horror stories where 'my BM wont pitch in, or cannot afford XYZ'. When someone says YES, to 'will you be my bridesmaid' you have to figure that you will be paying for stuff.
Your friend totally seems like she cant be bothered, and i'm so sorry to hear that. Personally, i would kick her out of the bridal party. It ticked me off when you said that she didnt even congratulate you when you got engaged!!! Even a friend of mine, who we kinda grew apart, called me the night i got engaged (facebook lol).
Save yourself, and your sister, a big headache and kick her out!

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ITA

You need to make your life easier when it comes to weddings and BM drama. Its totally appropriate to ask the BM to kindly step down from her responsibilities. You could use a 'compliment sandwich' : 1) Tell her how she has been a great friend to you 2) Tell her about how it would be easier for all if she was no longer a bridesmaid (include reasons how she will benefit from doing so (i.e., paying for things, etc.)-everyone likes ways they benefit in the end, right?) 3) Tell her how much she means to you, and how you would really like her to still be involved in a different way (other than BM)- so she doesn't feel 'kicked out'.
I hope this helps!