Need Advice

What about the other BM? How do they feel about it?
I would tell her that I cannot afford it, tell her what I am able to afford and say that is all I can contribute. If she is so gung-ho about throwing an expensive shower, and she can afford it, then let her give the extra money.

a dollar amount is not an indication of how much you love someone.

what do the other BM's think?

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Posted by HelpAGirlOut

I'm a regular poster, but I need to be anonymous for this because who knows who's lurking.

One of my friends is getting married early next year. I'm a BM. We've recently started planning her shower and one of her other BMs is kind of making my life miserable. This BM wants to throw a $1200 shower!! Split 4 ways that's $300 each! Between the shower... the BMgowns ($200-300 with alterations), matching shoes, hair and a wedding gift, (not to mention an out-of-town bachelorette party) this wedding will cost me around $1000 at least!

I have mortgage payments, bills, 2 other weddings and a wedding of my own to pay for. I just can't afford this! But the BM is insisting we do the expensive shower to show the bride how much we love and appreciate her. I keep telling her the budget is too high and I have a lot of financial responsibilites, but she just blows it off!

I'm so stressed and angry and hurt and poor that I am thinking about pulling out of the bridal party.

What should I do?

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$1200 for a shower Wow, how many people are expected and what are you guys serving for $1200 Or does this include a site rental

No matter. Tell her you can't and won't take money from your household and personal obligations to try to prove your love for the bride. If she persists, you may have to drop out --- but then the bride will have to be told and will want to know why you are dropping out. Not sure if you want to pull the bride into this or not but since the groom is already involved, maybe let him know why you need to drop out.

If this bridesmaidzilla persists and does not want you to drop out, I agree with the poster that said she should absorb the excess expenses.

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Posted by prncssrachel

You need to tell her that you can afford X amount of dollars and that's it. Don't discuss it any further. Give her that money upfront now, and that's all you give her. It ***** that this is how you have to deal with it, but I think that's the best option. Then maybe get the bride a special gift just from YOU that shows her how appreciated she is by YOU and YOU ONLY. JMHO.

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I agree......tell her and give her what you can afford.

$1,200 is $30 per person for 40 people, which isn't outrageous for a shower. You may want to research less expensive alternatives and present them to the other BMs.

I've spent between $1,000 - $2,000 for every wedding I've been in -- even when I was in grad school and only working part time. It's expensive, but it's what you do when you agree to be a BM.

Certainly don't drop out!! The bride would feel really bad that her shower caused all this fighting and resulted in you leaving the BP, don't do that to her.

Instead contribute what you can to the shower and then let the other BM absorb the rest since she's the one pushing for so much $$$ to go into this. You can have a lovely shower w/out going broke, you don't want to go into debt bc of this and esp now that you've got your own wedding to worry about.

Since the other BMs agree with you then you all just need to put this one in her place, she can't just ignore your ideas and the bride's wishes. That's absurd!!!

i am such a horrible bride because i asked one of my bms if she posted this because i know there has been 'things' going on. now i feel bad that i said anything she knows i am on here all the time and why would she do it. i am just being a paraoid bride.

I was recently in a bridal party and what a mess it was. Out of all of us, there was one person who said that everything we chose was too $$$$. Finally we had to choose a cheaper place (which I don't even think the bride was happy w/, but we had no choice, it was only $12.95 a person) to have the shower and she only contributed what she could afford. The bride's mother wound up contributing what the girl couldn't.

In my opinion when you accept the offer to be a bm, then you should accept everything that comes with it. Usually you are given plenty of notice, which means plenty of time to save $$$. Its hard, but who wants to make the bride upset that her whole bp is fighting over $$$$.

I cannot for my life phathom why ONE BM has such control over what your group does. The MAJORITY of you disagree with her- tell her to stuff it! you need to do what is economical for the group- not help someone clearly delusional about how to prove your love and appreciation for someone live out their vision.

yes, you agreed to be in the wedding, but that does not imply that you will be willing to get into debt, put your OWN wedding second OR live off of ramen soup!!! To say that just because you agreed to share so intimately in your friends day means you must shoulder such a huge financial burden is hogwash...I would never do that to, or expect that from ANY of my girls!

give delusions of grandeur the boot- or at least put her in her place- with 24% of the decision making power- not 100%!!

Only put in the amount you can afford...if it's (for example)$150 tell that BM that you've been making it VERY CLEAR to her that you cannot afford what she's suggesting!

Stay firm, like nywebchic suggests!!!!

And if she b*tches out on you and pressures you for the money...too BAD! She can manage it on her own and come up with the balance out of her own pocket, if money is not an issue for her.

Throwing an expensive shower is not going to maket he Bride to be love you guys anymore...that shouldn't matter. she loves you regardless...that's why you're her maids!!!

Honestly...The parents or relatives of the bride should be (I THINK..IMOP) paying for at least 1/3 of the party alone!!! Leave the balance for the party to split...ESPECIALLY if there are only 4 girls in the Bparty. I don't have a mom anymore and I told my Dad straight up that he's paying for half the party...cause if my mom was still alive...that's what would have happened!!!

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Posted by lilacwine
I've spent between $1,000 - $2,000 for every wedding I've been in -- even when I was in grad school and only working part time. It's expensive, but it's what you do when you agree to be a BM.

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Wow! I haven't! I've got to say, at this point in my life I couldn't afford $1000-2000 to be in a wedding. I totally feel your pain. Maybe just saying I am in for x amount and that is all I can give is the right attitude...Or else you and the other 2 disgruntled BM can stage an overthrow and have the shower be a surprise for the bride and the other BM?

Although I do think $300 is a bit much, I do agree with other people that when you agree to be part of a BP that you are responsible financially for certain things.
I think if you and the other girls can't afford the $300 than it should be your responsibility as a group to come up with an alternative. Find a restaurant/hall that is more reasonable priced and that is available for the date. Then tell the MOH that you found this place and all of the BM have agreed to pitch in $XXX. Either you can have it at the more affordable place or she and the MOB are welcome to pick up the difference.

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Posted by lilacwine



$1,200 is $30 per person for 40 people, which isn't outrageous for a shower. You may want to research less expensive alternatives and present them to the other BMs.

I've spent between $1,000 - $2,000 for every wedding I've been in -- even when I was in grad school and only working part time. It's expensive, but it's what you do when you agree to be a BM.

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Wow!!! I have never been a BM (not until this August for a family wedding) and I just realized it will be about $1K after the airfare, hotel, dress, shoes & gift And I don't even know this woman!!!! It's my uncle's wedding

I think its crazy to spend so much on a bridal shower. i made sure i told my girls not to go overboard, but if u agreed to be a BM, then u have to cough up the money. U don't want to be remembered as the cheap BM who complained about everything. Good Luck