Hi everyone, I have a bit of a situation and I need some advice on what to do. Over the weekend, my parents gave a engagement party for my FH and me. The party was great, but the problem is this: the gift from my FMIL. She is a very nice person, but I have to say I was very disappointed in the gift she gave us - a few cakepans from our registry and some wine glasses. After what my parents spent on the party and the gift they gave us, they are less than thrilled with the gift from FMIL. Also, my mother is convinced the wine glasses were something she regifted to us.
Now, I am not sure what I feel. On one hand, I am hurt that FMIL thought so little about the gift. Are my feelings justified? And should I even bring this up with FH? I don't want to seem like I am accusing his mother, but at the same time, I feel like the longer I try to ignore how I feel, the more it bothers me. What should I do?
Suzanne
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I wouldnt worry about it.. maybe thats all she could afford? I got a serving set.. ( you know the big spoon and big fork ) from my flatware from my FMIL... i said something to my FH and he got mad at me....
MSCJLK
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Are his Parents Divorced? Or are they paying anything towards the wedding? Were any of her freidns and Family there. MAybe she felt that since your parents were 'Hosting the Party' that she just bought a gift. but maybe she is saving for a bigger wedding present...But don't burn bridges over a gift...Maybe she does not believe in engagement parties...My MIL does not...So don't worry about it...You have other things to worry about...
02bride
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I wouldn't say anything
I don't feel like things like that are important. The only thing that will matter after your big day is the relationship you and you husband have with her. I would watch what you say now, because it frames what your relationship will be like with her for years to come!
Becky
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I wouldn't do anything. The party was about celebrating your engagement, not receiving gifts. Some people don't like registries. My own mother thinks it is tacky to tell people what to get and almost always goes out on her own. I wouldn't be surprised if she ignores MY registry. ANd spends less than my future in laws. But the thought that is put into something doesn't have anything to do with how much money is spent.
You will be starting out your new life on the wrong foot if you complain to you FMIL that she did not spend enough money on your gift or compare her gift to your parents.
In comparison to some of the other FMIL posts that I have seen, this one seems like a drop in the bucket. I would let it go.
Becky
ChristineC68
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I wouldn't say anything either. It's the thought that counts and gifts are not required at engagement parties. Maybe she has other plans for your wedding or maybe she did what she could.
NIHA
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I agree with everyone else, don't say anything. Neither one of our parents gave us engagement gifts!! Just wondering is it you that is disappointed with her gift, or is it really your parents, and you feel pressure from them??
Marnles
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I wouldn't give it a second thought either. Let's put it this way - my mom never gave me an engagement gift, but my FMIL did (a really nice one). But it's not something I expected AT ALL, and if my FH said anything to me about my mom not giving anything, I would be angry. My mom is in her late 50s, and I think that they didn't really do or expect engagement parties/gifts - they waited for the bridal shower. Nowadays, it is much more common, although I don't necessarily 'agree' with engagement parties. I mean, I would love to get together and have a celebration in honor of the upcoming happy event, but I wouldn't want nor expect any presents - people spend so much on wedding gifts as it is. And when I go to engagement parties, I wind up spending at least $50, that I really can't afford... So just wait for the shower and wedding - and hopefully you will be pleasantly surprised!!
cw0904
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I would mention it to FH. I had held in the fact that (I am summarizing this story) FH's dad went through major surgery a month ago and FH's mom's retirement party is coming up in a couple of weeks. It is the big to do w/ the family and I understand but our parents have yet to meet. I have been trying to coordinate a bbq at my parents house but FMIL keeps saying he is not strong enough. Well he is strong enough to attend your party why isn't he strong enough to attend a sunday bbq at my house? That IRKS ME!!! And I held it in for quite some time till this morning I blurted it out to FH and he was upset I never said anything in the past. That started an argument I could have avoided had I mentioned it earlier. Our men don't see these things. We have to spell things out to them on paper if possible. I am annoyed at how his mother is treating this engagement and wedding planning but he doesn't see it my way. Unfortunately (in my case) FH finds excuses for his mom's actions although I strongly disagree. You can call him a mother's boy in a sense! I know from the beginning she wasn't to thrilled about the engagement so I don't expect her to bend over backwards for us. But I would expect her to be a little more enthusiastic for us but its not so-I have yet to see any form of excitement. Well enough about me-do you know if they plan on giving you guys something special for the wedding? Are you living in their place after the wedding? The reason I ask this is because we are and that is why I am biting my tongue a lot of the times. Have you spoken with her on your budget? Maybe she can help you out in other ways. I do agree with you that it would be upsetting to get what she had given you as a gift. I envision the same thing for me too. Another dissapointment from my FMIL Maybe you can have her help you out on the favors-this is where I am using my FMIL or hope to anyway...
berlykim22
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I wouldnt say anything either, I havent gotten any engagements gifts from my finances family. Everyone is different, it all gets too be too much giving at some point.
cw0904
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I needed to respond b/c no one agrees with me
I can't hold in how I feel and keep feelings inside. FH notices this a mile away and I can't help it. The expressions on my face and attitude give it away, but I can't tell! So that is why I mentioned telling your FH. If I keep anything inside that bothers me, I burst in anger and it is a very bad trait (which I am trying to control). You may actually feel better once you release your concerns to FH. I know I do
BTW is anyone having this problem: your typing is way too slow and also the typing section sort of flickers but nothing else on the page? Very strange....
dcbride
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According to all these etiquette sites-- engagement gifts are optional. My FMIL sent a card, but then she offered to pay for a huge chunk of the wedding.
Fran M
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Since you asked for advice I will bluntly put my 2cents in.
FORGET ABOUT IT !!!
Why would you let a gift or lack thereof have any effect on this happy, special time of your life?
michele31
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I think cw's situation is very different than the original post. CW's FIL's are not making an effort to meet her parents while the orginial post is about a gift. I have NO idea what the finacial situation is but the fact is she attended the party and did bring something. Your parents shouldn't comment at all on the amount of the gift- IMO that is unfair to you and your FH. I think it is nice that she brought you something and is happy for you both. Again JMO but I would change the way I think about the situation, not just keep my mouth closed.
susanlynn
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I can completely agree with the situation, I was once engaged to someone ( I am happily engaged now) whose mother did the same thing , regifted things ALL the time. For my sisters shower she regifted a fruit tray that smelled like mildew! It took forever and a day for her to get together with my dad to discuss the wedding, she was very arrogant, needless to say that was the begining of the end, there were alot of other problems... he cheated on me, etc. I am engaged again, and everyhting is fine, but my future mom in law is very nice, but, for our enagagemnt she bought us out to dinner, what can I say, I guess they mean well. I would let my Fh know in a calm way and not so obviously that I was disappointed. It is a rough situation, but do not keep things from your Fh , it will only build up steam and tension between you and your FH. Good luck!!!
yabbobay
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My FMIL was at our party and that was enough...I am lucky enough to get the best present she could ever give to me....her son...It took her years to raise this man that I cannot wait to marry and for that I am forever grateful to her. She treats me with nothing but love and has welcomed me into her family....That is her gift to me...and my gift to her is taking care of her son.
Valenia
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I'm with you yabbobay on the whole engagement gift issue. I think his mother has given you more then you could have ever dreamed of if she has given you her son with her approval. Keeping score between in-laws is a very, very bad idea. There are going to many occassions shared between you and both sets of parents, are you always going to compare gifts? (Imagine all the births, birthdays, and graduations that may come.) Your life will be much less stressful if you accept what comes without trying to look for an insult in it. I'm quite certain that by giving you these gifts she wasn't thinking anything but, 'hmm I bet they could use cake pans, my dear son loves cake.'
aug9bride
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I wouldn't say anything. Chances are if it bothered FH he will bring it up. If he doesn't bring it up them he may not see anything wrong with the gift and get mad at you for mentioning it. Maybe that was all she could afford.
