Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

Original post by marymoon

Sep 30, 2004 11:54 AM

So Fh just graduated college in May. Since August he's been working at a wall street firm. They pay and benefits are great, there's a lot of room for growth, and it's really an excellent job. The only bad thing about the job is that the hours are pretty long. He's supposed to work from either between 8 and 830 or 830 and 900 (i've heard conflicting stories on thos) to 7pm, and sometimes he works as late as 10 (once a week). The only problem is that he can never get to work on time. In the 2 mos he's been working there, he's been to work on time, like 3-5 times. His boss already warned him and it's not getting better. Sometims the excuse is that he sleeps late, or there was traffic or he didnt feel well or whatever, but ihis boss doens't want to hear excuses and neither do I. I'm really starting to worry. he'd been driving from franklin square ot my house in queens to take the subway, but he'd end up in a lot of traffic and be late, Then he was supposed to start taking the LIRR. he had a probem on the first day, and it was expensive so he said he was never taking it again. Last night I made him promise he'd get on the 6;45 train and call me from work at 8:15. It's noon and I cant get in touch with him. This is really insane and I don't know what to do to help him. I lay out his outfits, I help him with his household chores, trying to make everything easy for him, but nothing phases him. And he's supporting me financially right now and if he goes down., he's taking me with him. It's really putting a strain on our relationship, as you can imagine. When i try to talk to him about it, he gets really angry with me and nasty about how me yelling at him won't help. I'm at my wit's end! HELP! TIA

marymoon Posted: Sep 30, 2004 01:25 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

I feel worse talking about him behind his back. Id'd like him to talk to someone where he feels safe, not as if I've given them an impression of him....know what I mean?

MrsTC Posted: Sep 30, 2004 01:53 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

i think he has to learn from his mistakes....he wont do it again after he gets fired!

eogara Posted: Sep 30, 2004 02:11 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

Posted by MrsTC

i think he has to learn from his mistakes....he wont do it again after he gets fired!

I agree. Sorry, I would have no patience for this. He's an adult. I have tremendous issues with people who cannot make it to work on time. I hate waking up and am so not a morning person but deal with it - you do what you have to do. Unless he has a medical condition that is actually preventing him from waking up on time, he needs to grow up and get some responsibility.

070502 Posted: Sep 30, 2004 03:09 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

Wow, I'm sorry. He needs to grow up! I would say the majority of us at one point worked at a job that we didn't like and didn't pay well (and the pay doesn't seem to be the problem) but we still made it to work on time and did what we had to do.
What kind of work ethic did his parents show him? What does his Dad do?
I don't know how you can put up with that or how he can either is he ashamed that he is like that?

I always learned you should always give yourself enough time to get to you job and be at your desk 15minutes early. But at the same time I used to wake up extra early to catch an earlier LIRR train just so I could get a seat at Bethpage and that would still leave me the opportunity if I was late to catch the next one or race to Hicksville and try to catch anything and I still wouldn't have been late.

I know the LIRR sucks I commuted on it for four years but 90% of the time it was 2 extra hours of sleep for me (roundtrip) or time to have breakfast, make some phones calls or read. It really isn't that bad! He would realize that if he didn't have the option. I'm in Florida now and there is one road to get everywhere and after IVAN it now takes me over and hour to go 11miles!

I'm sorry but I don't think he will change.

ChristineC68 Posted: Sep 30, 2004 03:25 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

It's time for him to become a responsible adult when it concerns puntuality. People cannot neglect and disrepect others because they cannot get it together to be someplace on time.

He should seriously consider the LIRR - it costs more $$ but time is money too.

I would stop with laying out clothes or anything else you do to help him get out of the house on time.

Scoop Posted: Sep 30, 2004 03:30 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

I used to work downtown and the commute was horrible. I live in queens and it took me about 2 hours each way a day. I used to always come in late (15 minutes the most) and my boss would give me angry looks. I used to always work late as well but it just didn't matter in his eyes. Honestly, my hatred for the commute made me despise my job and I eventually moved on to another company.

Maybe he can look for another job as well....it seems as if he is very unhappy.

marymoon Posted: Sep 30, 2004 03:58 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

You're all right. He really needs to grow up. I thought things would be so different now that he's on his own and making his own $$, but ti seems like even that came easily to him. I really had no idea how bad this problem was, after all he made it through college. About work ethic..it's funn you should ask what his dad does. his dad doens't work and basically bilks the government based on some bogus disability (he has a back problem more minor than mine and refuses to go back to work). He hasn't worked in ages and makes his wife work 2 jobs to make ends meet. So I guess he didn't learna very good work ethic after all. I've had problems getting to jobs on time, by like 5-15 minutes. he's 2 hours late sometimes! I know he deserves to get fired and it'll teach him a lesson, but I really hope he doesn't. I don't want to see that happen to him. And if he does lose his job, I don't see how I couls stay with someone like that, who would just see that happenning and let it happen. What will happen, even when i am working and we have kids and a mortgage and stuff. I feel so stupid for putting up with this. I'm so stressed.

don424 Posted: Sep 30, 2004 04:01 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

Posted by marymoon

You're all right. He really needs to grow up. I thought things would be so different now that he's on his own and making his own $$, but ti seems like even that came easily to him. I really had no idea how bad this problem was, after all he made it through college. About work ethic..it's funn you should ask what his dad does. his dad doens't work and basically bilks the government based on some bogus disability (he has a back problem more minor than mine and refuses to go back to work). He hasn't worked in ages and makes his wife work 2 jobs to make ends meet. So I guess he didn't learna very good work ethic after all. I've had problems getting to jobs on time, by like 5-15 minutes. he's 2 hours late sometimes! I know he deserves to get fired and it'll teach him a lesson, but I really hope he doesn't. I don't want to see that happen to him. And if he does lose his job, I don't see how I couls stay with someone like that, who would just see that happenning and let it happen. What will happen, even when i am working and we have kids and a mortgage and stuff. I feel so stupid for putting up with this. I'm so stressed.

you need to lay it on the line now before you go any further

Donna Posted: Sep 30, 2004 04:12 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

I agree with Don. You are starting to see signs now of his laziness. do you want to be like his mom in a few years?

nov04LIbride Posted: Sep 30, 2004 04:20 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

Posted by Donna

I agree with Don. You are starting to see signs now of his laziness. do you want to be like his mom in a few years?

I have the tendency to do this too--pick up the slack--do all the housekeeping, cooking, cleaning, ironing, etc--when we both work and make the same $. It's a bad pattern to fall into, and I am stopping it with my FH because I don't want to be the one doing everything....It's hard starting that pattern this early on...

ChristineC68 Posted: Sep 30, 2004 04:24 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

TWO HOURS LATE How on earth is he still employed?? Why does he think this is ok? Why doesn't he want to get to work on time?

SomedayBride Posted: Sep 30, 2004 06:49 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

I don't think him getting fired would really even teach him a lesson. To me, it isn't even acceptable to be LATE 3-4 times, and you say that he's only been on time that many times, that is CRAZY! And two hours? Oversleeping is a poor poor excuse for being two hours late. IMO, he sounds very immature and lazy
I would stop laying out his clothes. He is not a child. However, if you would like to continue to treat him like one, why not just call him every morning to make sure that he is awake?

marymoon Posted: Sep 30, 2004 07:05 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

OMG it's funny you should mention calling him every morning because he hAS asked me to call him. But I totally refuse. THAT is where I draw the line. In HS his parents would literally drag him out of bed every morning...ugh

SomedayBride Posted: Sep 30, 2004 07:14 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

See, then you and I have a really different outlook. I think picking out his outfits and laying them out for him is FAR worse than calling to see that he gets up on time. Picking out his outfit will not help him keep his job. Making sure he gets there on time will. Besides, calling him and him waking up at the same time every day might actually help him get into a routine of getting up early.

marymoon Posted: Sep 30, 2004 07:18 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

I don't pick out his outfits because I like to play dressup but because it does sve him time in the morning. he never lasy anythign else out ahead of time and hes usually scarmabling around to find something and if it matchs, that's an added bonus. I just feel like if I cna get up at 5 am to call him, he can get up himself. His not waking up on time is just a huge peeve of mine and it drives me crazy. He'll always tell me 'oh, you can get in teh shower first, honey' because HE wants to sleep longer and if I agree I ask him to lay out his cltes so he cna get right in teh shower when i'm out, but what happens? I come out and he's still asleep! I can't stand it

ETA: Plus I also feel like me calling him isnt going to do much. I call him and he'll fall back asleep same way his alarm goes off and he falls back asleep. i'n not going to go to all of that effort for him to fall back asleep anyway. One day when iw as satying htere I kicke him out bed, had everhing set up for him and I slept while he was in the shower. I got up when it was time to leave, expecting to find him putting his jacket on, bu the house was too quiet. i found him asleep on the living room floor in his undies with a shorw blanket on him, fast asleep. What would he have done had I not been there?

sarahthegreat Posted: Sep 30, 2004 07:33 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

why are you letting him get away with this behaviour? tell him, if he wants to get married, he needs to see a therapist. there is so much more going on here then just laziness. it is not your job to pick out his clothes ( not what you do, but u know what i mean), or to call him in the am so he gets to work on time. i absolutely lothe people that can't get their asses in gear to get to work on time. that is my biggest pet peeve ever. i see a million people pull into the parking lot at 9am, when work starts at nine. gets me heated just thinking about it. can you talk to him and just get him to see how you see it? i don't mean, make him see it, but try to get him to see how you feel. don't mean to sound so harsch and please don't take it as a personal attack, this is just my humble opinion.

marymoon Posted: Sep 30, 2004 07:36 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

I don't take it as a personal attack. I agree with you. it's so true. He needs to larn to get his @$$ in gear, because it really is affecting our relationship and not in a good way. I told him as much when he called a few minutes ago to tell me he'd ne staying late to work (big surprise when he gets there 2 hours late)

sarahthegreat Posted: Sep 30, 2004 07:38 PM

Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH

how many times has his boss told him that he needs to start coming in on time?? i know if there was a person where i work who came in late everyday; i know i would resent it, you know.