So Fh just graduated college in May. Since August he's been working at a wall street firm. They pay and benefits are great, there's a lot of room for growth, and it's really an excellent job. The only bad thing about the job is that the hours are pretty long. He's supposed to work from either between 8 and 830 or 830 and 900 (i've heard conflicting stories on thos) to 7pm, and sometimes he works as late as 10 (once a week). The only problem is that he can never get to work on time. In the 2 mos he's been working there, he's been to work on time, like 3-5 times. His boss already warned him and it's not getting better. Sometims the excuse is that he sleeps late, or there was traffic or he didnt feel well or whatever, but ihis boss doens't want to hear excuses and neither do I. I'm really starting to worry. he'd been driving from franklin square ot my house in queens to take the subway, but he'd end up in a lot of traffic and be late, Then he was supposed to start taking the LIRR. he had a probem on the first day, and it was expensive so he said he was never taking it again. Last night I made him promise he'd get on the 6;45 train and call me from work at 8:15. It's noon and I cant get in touch with him. This is really insane and I don't know what to do to help him. I lay out his outfits, I help him with his household chores, trying to make everything easy for him, but nothing phases him. And he's supporting me financially right now and if he goes down., he's taking me with him. It's really putting a strain on our relationship, as you can imagine. When i try to talk to him about it, he gets really angry with me and nasty about how me yelling at him won't help. I'm at my wit's end! HELP! TIA
btrflygrl
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
maybe he's not happy there and doesn't care if he's late and gets fired. If one is unhappy where they work, motiviation goes down the tubes. I'm speaking from RECENT EXPERIENCE!!! I'm happier now that I am going to a job I'll love.
A wise man once said to me 'If you love what you do, you'll never work a day in your life' (thanks DAD!)
StepherG
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
Sounds like his is unhappy...maybe he just doesn't know how to tell you or doesn't know what he'll do if he quits.
I've been there...
Also, if he's supporting you too then his pressure level is probably skyrocketing...
Donna
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
Sorry you're dealing with this. Is there a reason why FH won't get up on time in the morning? Does he have trouble sleeping? Stay up too late.
I remember the switch from school to working full time and commuting is hard but it's just something that needs to be done as an adult.
Why doesn't FH look for a job closer to home so he doesn't have this issue?
I'm didn't see in your post but what about you? do you work? go to school? Is it possible for you to take on some of the financial responsibility?
PrincessConsuela
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
i hope he is okay. i would tell him to suck it up and take the lirr. I get a nice nap in the morning before i go to work on the train and because of the train schedule i am always early to work... that is the only way i would ever get to work on time. thank goodness for the trains. when they work LOL
marymoon
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
He claims he loves his job! That's the odd part. He did this with college too, he'd miss classes. If we're supposed to go to the beach, I won't hear fomr him until 1pm because he overslept. It's an ongoing problem. As far as me, i'm taking a semester off to go to PT and try to finally get better, I've been in a lot of pain form a car accident. I'm going to try to take on some part time work again, but the financial thing isn't really a problem. I mostly live with my parents and he makes more than enough $$ ti support us both.
btrflygrl
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
sleeping too much is a sign of many things...depression for one.
StepherG
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
Posted by btrflygrl
sleeping too much is a sign of many things...depression for one.
Agreed. Sorry to say that by everything your saying...he sounds depressed. He may tell you he likes his job, but doesn't really sound like it. Also, he only makes more than enough to support you both because he's working. What if he quit? Would you freak out on him? SOund like it and maybe that's why he tells you he loves it??
I'm just assuming everything based on what you told us.
nov04LIbride
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
Well, he may just be immature and not ready for the 'real' world. I worked at Morgan Stanley straight out of college and it was the exact same story--and I was so physically exhausted, and starting getting sick all the time (and NO ONE loved it there--the only thing people loved was the $$--money does NOT equal happiness!). It was no way to live, so I made my priorities, took a huge pay cut, and now work on Long Island and am home around 5:30!
But I would warn you about taking on the role of his mother. It is nice of you to help out, but he is a grown man now--if he doesn't learn to juggle his clothes, etc., and getting to work, he will most likely get fired, and maybe get the kick in the pants he needs to realize they mean business--it's not like skipping classes in college. I thought you still lived at home--what is he paying for? Does he have his own place?
marymoon
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
Yeah he's been treated for depression in the pat for a short period of time. it just seems like more than that and I can't force him to get help. He has his own place. For me, I'm under his medical insurance and he hels me out with copays and my phone bill and some credit card debt, etc. it's not a whole lot. If he quit, he woudln;t have a job. I wouldn't mind at all if he took a 50% pay cut and was happier and could get to work on time. I didn't push him for the high paying job, it's what he wanted, Before he took he job I sat down with him and told him it woudln;t be easy and I wanted him to only take the job if he wanted it. I don't know what I can do now to make things better now and in the future
don424
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
For me, I'm under his medical insurance and he hels me out with copays and my phone bill and some credit card debt, etc.
You may not like the sound of this, but there may be some resentment building up on his part. You've said before that he flips out at you when you ask him to do dishes because 'you're home all day'. Whether he's right or wrong, he may feel that he's supporting you with various expenses, is working his butt off to help you pay for stuff, while you sit home. I'm not saying he's right because you are injured. This just may be how he feels
nov04LIbride
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
I really think he needs to be the one who makes the decision about whether this is what he wants. Believe me, right out of college, I went with the highest bidder! Coming out of a college where a lot of firms recruit, it is easy to get so wrapped up in what other people are doing, how much money they are making, etc. But it is like an alcoholic--he needs to recognize there is a problem before he makes a change. If it takes his boss firing him, then that's what it takes. The quality of life is much different without that commute and those hours...
marymoon
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
I don't think thats the case, but even if it is, what does that have to do with him not getting to work on time. It's not this job specifically. it's anything he's ever done. I still rememebr an anniversary when I had a picnic set up and he showed up 4 hours late. Or a day we were supposed to go to the beach, and he didn't show up until after I'd already be leaving the beach....
So I don't think it's the job... He just had all of these excuses livng at home and not having a car now he has his own place and a car and it's the same thing, only now the stakes are higher.
don424
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
Posted by marymoon
I don't think thats the case, but even if it is, what does that have to do with him not getting to work on time. It's not this job specifically. it's anything he's ever done. I still rememebr an anniversary when I had a picnic set up and he showed up 4 hours late. Or a day we were supposed to go to the beach, and he didn't show up until after I'd already be leaving the beach....
So I don't think it's the job... He just had all of these excuses livng at home and not having a car now he has his own place and a car and it's the same thing, only now the stakes are higher.
probably a combination of a couple of things then
nov04LIbride
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
I don't think I could be with someone like that, just because I am so anal and would be fuming if he showed up late. But, he probably needs to find a more laid-back work environment where they aren't as strict....
btrflygrl
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
I went through this with a guy I was dating all through college....he couldn't hold a job, when he did get one, he couldn't get there on time if at all....he was always standing me up with an excuse...would disappear for hours with no contact to me or his parents....turned out he was a drug addict.
marymoon...it sounds like he needs some tough love. Why don't you 'try' to stop doing things for him, if you don't live with him, it shouldn't be hard. See what happens. Can he take car of himself at all?? What if you weren't in the picture? Who'd be doing your job?
marymoon
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
Yeah, I think the tough love is a good idea. I ave told him I'd stop doing stuff, but then I can't help myself, I have to do it because it drives me nuts having things undone. *sigh*. But I told him I wouldn't see him this weeknd (our only tie together0 if he didn't get to work on time this morning, and he didn't soo...I just have to stick to my guns and see if that makes a difference to him.
jcdesignz
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
i agree with tough love... you have to let him know and realize that this is a big problem... plus if you say this goes into all aspects of his life - what is going to happen on your wedding day?
you dont want him to be four hours late that day
marymoon
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
I know. I really thought he was getting better, with picking me up or meetng me places on time he's been pretty good. ANd he made it on time to all of his many job interviews. I just don't know what's going on. I can sugest he seeks counselling, but I'vve been suggesting forever and he has a million excuses. Do you think I should just make an appointment for him and be like 'you have an appointment on this day. I'll go with you if you'd like. If you don't do, we're going to have a problem.' I don't want to be like that though....
btrflygrl
Posted:
Member since
Re: Need Advice (as usual): Really Worried about FH
no, I would make an appointment on your own, maybe discuss your feelings towards his behavior, then bring him in for a couples session
my grandma always told me 'never emasculate a man....a man doesn't like being told what to do'
