Need Advice - Family Drama

Apologies in advance if this ends up being a long post, but I am in a really tough situation with my family right now and I am looking for some advice (I am practically in tears writing this).

When FH and I got engaged, we said absolutely no kids at our wedding. We don't think it's appropriate and don't want them running around. My parents agreed 110% and my mom even said if anyone had a problem with that, they could talk to her so I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Now, a year later, suddenly my mom wants to invite her sister's three grandchildren, who are 16, 12 and 7. We agreed we were not going to invite any children and also that we would limit the guest list to first cousins - no second cousins or first cousins once removed (I have a huge family, so we need to draw the line somewhere). My mom is insisting we have to invite them or at least tell them they can come and have a babysitter watch them. This all started because we got a babysitter for my FH's cousin's baby. The difference is, the baby is less than a year old and from Florida, so the parents can't leave her behind in FL, and she's a baby so she will be sleeping and no one will even know she's there. My three cousins will not want to sit in a room outside the cocktail room for five hours - they will be running all around and want to come into the reception. Plus, they only live an hour away, so if they need a babysitter, they can easily get one for a few hours.

This is causing a huge problem with my parents now and it's to the point where my dad actually said if we refuse to invite them, he wants us to not have the wedding. My parents were going to give us some money to help pay for the wedding so they could be the 'hosts,' and now they are saying they won't help.

So now our options are -

1) Take out a loan to pay for the rest of the wedding and get new invitations (which are going out in less than a month) so that FH and I are the hosts (we are already paying for the majority of the wedding ourselves anyway).
2) Tell FH's cousins we can no longer have them bring the baby and they won't be able to attend the wedding
3) Give in and let my parents have the three kids come to the wedding and stay with the babysitter and just pray that they don't try to leave the room

What should I do? Help

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Posted by FutureMrsJC

Apologies in advance if this ends up being a long post, but I am in a really tough situation with my family right now and I am looking for some advice (I am practically in tears writing this).

When FH and I got engaged, we said absolutely no kids at our wedding. We don't think it's appropriate and don't want them running around. My parents agreed 110% and my mom even said if anyone had a problem with that, they could talk to her so I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Now, a year later, suddenly my mom wants to invite her sister's three grandchildren, who are 16, 12 and 7. We agreed we were not going to invite any children and also that we would limit the guest list to first cousins - no second cousins or first cousins once removed (I have a huge family, so we need to draw the line somewhere). My mom is insisting we have to invite them or at least tell them they can come and have a babysitter watch them. This all started because we got a babysitter for my FH's cousin's baby. The difference is, the baby is less than a year old and from Florida, so the parents can't leave her behind in FL, and she's a baby so she will be sleeping and no one will even know she's there. My three cousins will not want to sit in a room outside the cocktail room for five hours - they will be running all around and want to come into the reception. Plus, they only live an hour away, so if they need a babysitter, they can easily get one for a few hours.

This is causing a huge problem with my parents now and it's to the point where my dad actually said if we refuse to invite them, he wants us to not have the wedding. My parents were going to give us some money to help pay for the wedding so they could be the 'hosts,' and now they are saying they won't help.

So now our options are -

1) Take out a loan to pay for the rest of the wedding and get new invitations (which are going out in less than a month) so that FH and I are the hosts (we are already paying for the majority of the wedding ourselves anyway).
2) Tell FH's cousins we can no longer have them bring the baby and they won't be able to attend the wedding
3) Give in and let my parents have the three kids come to the wedding and stay with the babysitter and just pray that they don't try to leave the room

What should I do? Help

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I go with option 2...if you make and exception for one child, then you might end having to make an exception for 20 kids.

We are only having our niece and nephew, but thats onlt bc their in our BP. Other than that is 21 and older. Whether ppl like it or not I can careless.

Wow...

I am so sorry you are going thru this chica...

What does ur FH says about this?


Thats harsh what ur dad said.. Im sure he was just talking so u can say 'Yes invite 3kids'...


I think makes no senses ur parents saying they WONT help u unless U invite them...
Try to talk to ur parents again...

Im sorry but I am stuck to the decision of NO KIDS FOR CEREMONY/RECEPTION...

THE BIG problem is that YOU have a babysitter for ONE baby... So when ppl know that, they will be thinking too 'So if that baby goes, why cant my baby go too?'...

ok, first take a deep breathe and don't make any more decisions until you are more calm and can discuss this further with your FH.
anything you can or decide now may backfire because your so upset.

second, everyone feels differently about having kids at their weddings. its a personal preference, and while i personally don't care if kids are running around at my wedding because iwon't be the one watching them, you and your FH obviously made this a point at the beginning of your engagement. With that sad, no matter how you look at it, its kinda blackmail. Your parents are pushing you to do something you both would rather not do, but ask yourself this, is this really necessary? The three kids you mentioned are not small. At 16 and 12, they are old enough to be able to sit with the rest of the guest at the reception, with their parents, during dinner and dancing and behave appropriately. At that point, I would let the 7 year old sit with them as well, since for sure, that kid won't take well to being confined in one room for 5 hours with a babysitter he/she doesn't know. I also think that at 12 & 16, it will get pretty boring in a room by themselves with a babysitter and can be trusted to attend the reception. Odds are, they will be well behaved since they will be the only minors there are can't get into trouble with anyone else. I seriously doubt they will run amok at the wedding.
However, if this is just not an option for you, take out the loan and pay for the wedding yourselves. Your paying for the majority yourselves anyway, and you shouldn't have anyone pushing you into a corner and basically tellin you both you have to do something or you can't have this wedding. its not their decision to make and unfortunately, weddings make people rear their ugly heads.
Don't take this out on the couple with the baby from FL. It wouldn't be fair to them and honestly, that baby will sleep for the majority of the night anyway. Its nice enough they are flying up from FL to be with you on your special day.
I hope everything works out for you.
Please keep us posted.

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Posted by Cataverri

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Posted by FutureMrsJC

Apologies in advance if this ends up being a long post, but I am in a really tough situation with my family right now and I am looking for some advice (I am practically in tears writing this).

When FH and I got engaged, we said absolutely no kids at our wedding. We don't think it's appropriate and don't want them running around. My parents agreed 110% and my mom even said if anyone had a problem with that, they could talk to her so I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Now, a year later, suddenly my mom wants to invite her sister's three grandchildren, who are 16, 12 and 7. We agreed we were not going to invite any children and also that we would limit the guest list to first cousins - no second cousins or first cousins once removed (I have a huge family, so we need to draw the line somewhere). My mom is insisting we have to invite them or at least tell them they can come and have a babysitter watch them. This all started because we got a babysitter for my FH's cousin's baby. The difference is, the baby is less than a year old and from Florida, so the parents can't leave her behind in FL, and she's a baby so she will be sleeping and no one will even know she's there. My three cousins will not want to sit in a room outside the cocktail room for five hours - they will be running all around and want to come into the reception. Plus, they only live an hour away, so if they need a babysitter, they can easily get one for a few hours.

This is causing a huge problem with my parents now and it's to the point where my dad actually said if we refuse to invite them, he wants us to not have the wedding. My parents were going to give us some money to help pay for the wedding so they could be the 'hosts,' and now they are saying they won't help.

So now our options are -

1) Take out a loan to pay for the rest of the wedding and get new invitations (which are going out in less than a month) so that FH and I are the hosts (we are already paying for the majority of the wedding ourselves anyway).
2) Tell FH's cousins we can no longer have them bring the baby and they won't be able to attend the wedding
3) Give in and let my parents have the three kids come to the wedding and stay with the babysitter and just pray that they don't try to leave the room

What should I do? Help

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I go with option 2...if you make and exception for one child, then you might end having to make an exception for 20 kids.

We are only having our niece and nephew, but thats onlt bc their in our BP. Other than that is 21 and older. Whether ppl like it or not I can careless.

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If you had to pick, i hve to agree with this as well. your going to get into trouble down the line if you make an exception for your aunt's grandchildren. more children might have to be added later on down the line, or maybe kids from FH's side will want to be invited and what will you say? your side was allowed, why not these kids?

Thanks ladies! FH and I are both a complete mess over this. I have never seen him so upset.

Actually, one thing I forgot to mention was that we originally told his cousin no kids, no exceptions. But then my mom asked the RH if we could have a babysitter for out of town babies - so this actually all started with her! At the time, we agreed it wouldn't matter because she's an infant, so she won't be running around, but now I regret the decision.

I am leaning toward 2 also, I just feel bad because we already told them they could bring her.

ITA that it's blackmail from your parents and so wrong considering how far along you are in the planning and you were counting on their promised help.

that being said, the stubborn part of me would never give in to that so I would dis-invite the baby just so I don't give in to my parents.

Now, That's what I would do but if FH is very close with his cousin and it means a lot to him, I'd just allow the three other kids...they are older so even if they show up, can't imagine that they'd be much trouble

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Posted by FutureMrsJC

Apologies in advance if this ends up being a long post, but I am in a really tough situation with my family right now and I am looking for some advice (I am practically in tears writing this).

When FH and I got engaged, we said absolutely no kids at our wedding. We don't think it's appropriate and don't want them running around. My parents agreed 110% and my mom even said if anyone had a problem with that, they could talk to her so I wouldn't have to worry about it.

Now, a year later, suddenly my mom wants to invite her sister's three grandchildren, who are 16, 12 and 7. We agreed we were not going to invite any children and also that we would limit the guest list to first cousins - no second cousins or first cousins once removed (I have a huge family, so we need to draw the line somewhere). My mom is insisting we have to invite them or at least tell them they can come and have a babysitter watch them. This all started because we got a babysitter for my FH's cousin's baby. The difference is, the baby is less than a year old and from Florida, so the parents can't leave her behind in FL, and she's a baby so she will be sleeping and no one will even know she's there. My three cousins will not want to sit in a room outside the cocktail room for five hours - they will be running all around and want to come into the reception. Plus, they only live an hour away, so if they need a babysitter, they can easily get one for a few hours.

This is causing a huge problem with my parents now and it's to the point where my dad actually said if we refuse to invite them, he wants us to not have the wedding. My parents were going to give us some money to help pay for the wedding so they could be the 'hosts,' and now they are saying they won't help.

So now our options are -

1) Take out a loan to pay for the rest of the wedding and get new invitations (which are going out in less than a month) so that FH and I are the hosts (we are already paying for the majority of the wedding ourselves anyway).
2) Tell FH's cousins we can no longer have them bring the baby and they won't be able to attend the wedding
3) Give in and let my parents have the three kids come to the wedding and stay with the babysitter and just pray that they don't try to leave the room

What should I do? Help

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Ugh so sorry you are going through this.


Okay for a few different reasons and this is just my opinions

You cant just change your plans of his cousins baby coming.

And your parents are really sayign they wont help with you out with the wedding. There child, on her happiest day of her life. Listen I would stick with my guns but again this is my opinion, and not invite your moms sisters children or whomever they are. They live an hour away. and your parents are being real douches about this. Take the loan out, this gets me so upset for you. This is YOUR wedding day, you call the shots

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Posted by FutureMrsJC

Thanks ladies! FH and I are both a complete mess over this. I have never seen him so upset.

Actually, one thing I forgot to mention was that we originally told his cousin no kids, no exceptions. But then my mom asked the RH if we could have a babysitter for out of town babies - so this actually all started with her! At the time, we agreed it wouldn't matter because she's an infant, so she won't be running around, but now I regret the decision.

I am leaning toward 2 also, I just feel bad because we already told them they could bring her.

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Honestly, if you go with option 2, my suggestion to you would be, call your relatives from Florida and simply explain them your situation. Hopefully they have family that they can leave the baby with. I'm sure they will understand. Tell them your having a huge issue because if their baby comes you will have to add 10 more kids and you refuse to take out a loan for just them.

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Posted by Richiesgirl

This is YOUR wedding day, you call the shots

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Exactly! That's what I keep trying to tell my parents, and they keep saying that my aunt will never speak to my mother again and it will be my fault. I think that's a little dramatic - and even if it ends up happening, it's not my fault! It's hers! I shouldn't have to give up something that is important to me on my wedding day, right?

IMO, honestly, I would just give in and go with option # 3 for the sake of ease, only bc you would have to rearrange a LOT just to not invite them. Also, taking out a loan for your wedding is not a good idea. You dont want to start your marriage in debt. Yes your parents are being very irrational but try not to stress out about it. Your wedding day is about YOU and your FH. I say just keep the peace, minimize your stress, and just get the babysitter. On the day of your wedding your probably not even gnna care.

I had a similar situation with my engagement party, and I stressed and stressed and finally I just said 'why am I stressing over this??' I just gave in and my life was A WHOLE LOT easier after that.

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Posted by BigDsGirl

On the day of your wedding your probably not even gnna care.

I had a similar situation with my engagement party, and I stressed and stressed and finally I just said 'why am I stressing over this??' I just gave in and my life was A WHOLE LOT easier after that.

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That's true - I am sure a year from now I will probably look back and wonder why this was such a big deal.

I would go with option 4 - Invite the kids and let them attend the reception. They're not THAT young. If your parents are paying, then they should have a say in the guest list.

You could offer for them to be in the babysitting room, but I do feel like 16 and 12 is too old for the babysitting room.


We're having a babysittng room available if people want to hire a babysitter, but the kids in the room were not invited to the wedding.

Another option- have the babysitter at the hotel where your room block is rather than at the actual wedding site. It would be ahrder for the family of the infant, BUT you don't run the risk of blurring the lines of the older kids being invited or not invited.

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Posted by justnicethings

I come from a huge family, too. I know it's your day and you should call the shots, but you also sort of have to remember this is just a day. I personally don't think it's worth causing bad blood with my parents because I need every detail to go my way. I'm a person who is inviting lots of children to my wedding because that's just what I wanted. I just wanted to play the devil's advocate here. I know we're here planning our weddings and want them to be perfect, but we can't lose sight of our relationships and family, especially. You are going to have so many people there, I guarantee you won't even notice these kids. They're all old enough to not cause a scene with crying. I'm sorry if you didn't want to hear this, but these are just my thoughts.

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No, I totally appreciate the input! This is what I wanted to hear because I am having a hard time seeing my parent's point of view, so this helps.

I really wish I could say that these three kids wouldn't cause a scene, but I have to say they are very immature and the 12 and 8 year olds don't know how to sit still and behave. The 16 year old is not as big of a concern, but I just think if we invite him, we have to invite the others.

I know people are saying 'if you have one baby, you'll have 20' but how many babies of similar relation are in the family? Also if the babysitter is offsite, no one has to know.

We're inviting some people's kids and not others, and it's not a clear line. FH's first cousin has an 18 month old, not invited, my 2nd cousin has an 8 and 10 year old, both invited. It's up to you. Inviting one kid is not a blanket invitation for all of the other kids.

Also, as someone who had to CANCEL my wedding once in 2006 because I had to support my mom financially, I think you should thank your lucky stars that your parents are willing and able to pay and give a little.

JMO

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Posted by HSsweethearts

Also, as someone who had to CANCEL my wedding once in 2006 because I had to support my mom financially, I think you should thank your lucky stars that your parents are willing and able to pay and give a little.

JMO

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Don't get me wrong - we are totally grateful for their help! It does hurt though that they threw money in our face and threatened to 'call off the wedding.' The fact of the matter is, we are paying for 75% of the wedding, and my parents offered to help pay for part of the RH costs. Had they not offered, we would have been fine with it (and we never asked for their help either). But it would have been helpful to know that before we planned the wedding, not two months before all our balances are due!

ETA I'm sorry to hear about your situation in 2006 - I realize we are very lucky to have my parents offer in the first place. I reread my post and realized I sounded a bit selfish

just b/c i would like to avoid drama with the family, i would just give in to my parents and invite the 3 kids. i'm sorry that you have to deal with this now and that your parents turned around on you like this

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Posted by FutureMrsJC

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Posted by HSsweethearts

Also, as someone who had to CANCEL my wedding once in 2006 because I had to support my mom financially, I think you should thank your lucky stars that your parents are willing and able to pay and give a little.

JMO

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Don't get me wrong - we are totally grateful for their help! It does hurt though that they threw money in our face and threatened to 'call off the wedding.' The fact of the matter is, we are paying for 75% of the wedding, and my parents offered to help pay for part of the RH costs. Had they not offered, we would have been fine with it (and we never asked for their help either). But it would have been helpful to know that before we planned the wedding, not two months before all our balances are due!

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Yeah, that totally suxx, and we had some blackmail thrown in our faces as well. FFIL, when eh was alive told us he wouldn't come if we didn't invite so and so and so and so, or if we had in a church, but he came around. So I know it really stinks, but I think in the grand scheme, these 3 kids are not such a big deal