NEED ADVICE NOW!!! Long...

First off let me say I AM a regular poster here and I am doing this beause FH lurks on the boards at times. I need serious opinions on this matter or I wouldn't be doing this.

Have you ever thought of cancelling your wedding?

Last night FH and I had a horrible fight, I was online posting here and checking e-mail and got an e-mail from David's Bridal about new BM dresses so i clicked seen one that was really cute and sent the numer to one of my BM's on Myspace. This particular BM is a family member and has not yet picked out her dress, she keeps saying she doesn't like any of them. It is really important to me to have her in the wedding. FH flips out and tells me I am begging her now that the other family members have won and she is not going to be in the wedding and wy am I putting myself through this.

That was the beginning....

He then proceeded to tell me that he finally does agree with my family, he IS better than everyone in my family, I said 'Does this include me?' He aid 'yes'.. So then i asked him why he was even marrying me if that was how he felt.....no reply.

The argument then progressed to him checking the cell bill and finding a mistake on it and him telling me I am slacking I should of found this mistake (I take care of paying the bills).

Then it was his tirade of evrything he has done for my family, which i reality was all my money backing it up (I have ALWAYS made more than him until recently and right now I am out of work).

Then it was the fact he doesn't get S E X everyday then it was things are going to be HIS way, he is so done with my family.

I mean it was a side of him I WOULD of expected 10 yrs ago not last night.

Questions is... Do I just cancel the whole damn thing, pack my stuff and go or do I stash money over the next couple months see what happens and then go if need be? (I go back to work next week)

I mean I can't go running to my family because they have completely disowned me because of him (this happened years ago).

I can't say I do not love im because if I left it would break my heart but then again The stuff out of his mouth last night turned my stomach and I am worried that is how he really feels.

Then this morning I get a text from him (he is at work) saying that 'Just wanted to tell you that no matter what I say or do I dont mean to be an *** to you no matter what I love you and you are my life'.

I dont know if I am freaking out because we had an argument (we really do not argue, this is the first one in like a year or more).

Also I will probably edit this and take parts out later today before he gets home.. But any responses will be appreciated.

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Posted by CCXit

First off let me say I AM a regular poster here and I am doing this beause FH lurks on the boards at times. I need serious opinions on this matter or I wouldn't be doing this.

Have you ever thought of cancelling your wedding?

Last night FH and I had a horrible fight, I was online posting here and checking e-mail and got an e-mail from David's Bridal about new BM dresses so i clicked seen one that was really cute and sent the numer to one of my BM's on Myspace. This particular BM is a family member and has not yet picked out her dress, she keeps saying she doesn't like any of them. It is really important to me to have her in the wedding. FH flips out and tells me I am begging her now that the other family members have won and she is not going to be in the wedding and wy am I putting myself through this.

That was the beginning....

He then proceeded to tell me that he finally does agree with my family, he IS better than everyone in my family, I said 'Does this include me?' He aid 'yes'.. So then i asked him why he was even marrying me if that was how he felt.....no reply.

The argument then progressed to him checking the cell bill and finding a mistake on it and him telling me I am slacking I should of found this mistake (I take care of paying the bills).

Then it was his tirade of evrything he has done for my family, which i reality was all my money backing it up (I have ALWAYS made more than him until recently and right now I am out of work).

Then it was the fact he doesn't get S E X everyday then it was things are going to be HIS way, he is so done with my family.

I mean it was a side of him I WOULD of expected 10 yrs ago not last night.

Questions is... Do I just cancel the whole damn thing, pack my stuff and go or do I stash money over the next couple months see what happens and then go if need be? (I go back to work next week)

I mean I can't go running to my family because they have completely disowned me because of him (this happened years ago).

I can't say I do not love im because if I left it would break my heart but then again The stuff out of his mouth last night turned my stomach and I am worried that is how he really feels.

Then this morning I get a text from him (he is at work) saying that 'Just wanted to tell you that no matter what I say or do I dont mean to be an *** to you no matter what I love you and you are my life'.

I dont know if I am freaking out because we had an argument (we really do not argue, this is the first one in like a year or more).

Also I will probably edit this and take parts out later today before he gets home.. But any responses will be appreciated.

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i dont really dont what to tell you but

If you saying like in your last paragraph that is the first big fight in a year, I saw blow it off. You guys are probaly just stressed out over the wedding. Are you still having problems with the family and them disowning you?? That might be another isse - with the wedding coming up, you need to have the family stability but it's not there.

I say don't be so rash about things. If he didnt love you he wouldnt have sent you that text this morning. Just give him and yourself some space for a day and then when you can think rash, sit down and have a talk with him.

Express your feeling to him and make it clear how you feel. Don't just let one argument make you think about leaving. things like this happen. FH and I just bought a house and have been fighting everyday for the past 2 months. When you're under stress over wedding/family/house, these things can really test the waters of love.

Don't give up!!

I think you KNOW what you want to do.
You would not think about stashing extra cash if you planned on being there.
The argument with him, sounds VERY controlling. When you say 10 years ago that you would have expected this,., but not now.. well now you can expect it again.
If your family has dis-owned you because of him, there must already have been reasons why. The fact that he had no answer of why he is marrying you should scare you a bit.

I am sorry that you are going through this!

Sorry I dont know what to say

but we are all here for you to help you in any way that we can!

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Posted by Kimbalina

I think you KNOW what you want to do.
You would not think about stashing extra cash if you planned on being there.
The argument with him, sounds VERY controlling. When you say 10 years ago that you would have expected this,., but not now.. well now you can expect it again.
If your family has dis-owned you because of him, there must already have been reasons why. The fact that he had no answer of why he is marrying you should scare you a bit.

I am sorry that you are going through this!

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I would have to agree with this. Whenever the entire family disownes a memeber of their family it's usually for a good reason. They love you and they see that this relationship has never been right for you. Trust that and trust your gut. He sounds extremely controlling and verbally abusive at this point. Then,, hell apologize and say he loves you and doesn't mean it...sounds like an abusive person to me...not physically of course but mentally. My sister went through the same thing..he eventually took her away from the family and made it seem like it was our fault...but it did become physical after a while... thank god she left the relationship. But it's the same pattern..let me have a huge fight..say all these horrible hurtful things and then apologize.. that's not a mature rational person.
You say you don't really fight..well the way he was last night it seems like these things were building in him for a while and blew up last night. That in and of itself is a problem.. he should be communicating better with you when there are issues.
JMO But I wish you luck with your decision. Be strong..reconnect with your family...they will come around and support you if you decide to leave..trust their love for you..

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Posted by wifetobe

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Posted by Kimbalina

I think you KNOW what you want to do.
You would not think about stashing extra cash if you planned on being there.
The argument with him, sounds VERY controlling. When you say 10 years ago that you would have expected this,., but not now.. well now you can expect it again.
If your family has dis-owned you because of him, there must already have been reasons why. The fact that he had no answer of why he is marrying you should scare you a bit.

I am sorry that you are going through this!

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I would have to agree with this. Whenever the entire family disownes a memeber of their family it's usually for a good reason. They love you and they see that this relationship has never been right for you. Trust that and trust your gut. He sounds extremely controlling and verbally abusive at this point. Then,, hell apologize and say he loves you and doesn't mean it...sounds like an abusive person to me...not physically of course but mentally. My sister went through the same thing..he eventually took her away from the family and made it seem like it was our fault...but it did become physical after a while... thank god she left the relationship. But it's the same pattern..let me have a huge fight..say all these horrible hurtful things and then apologize.. that's not a mature rational person.
You say you don't really fight..well the way he was last night it seems like these things were building in him for a while and blew up last night. That in and of itself is a problem.. he should be communicating better with you when there are issues.
JMO But I wish you luck with your decision. Be strong..reconnect with your family...they will come around and support you if you decide to leave..trust their love for you..

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I totally agree with these girls. I am so sorry, hun, b/c I am sure it's not what you want to hear. Even the fact that he's on these boards all the time - is he on here to do his own thing or to like check on you and monitor you? I know some of the other girls' FH's are on here, too, but the combo of that plus the things he said to you makes me wonder. I am praying for you and if you need to talk, know that we are all hear for you!!!!!!

I'm so sorry you are going through this!
I'd have to agree with the other girls... Go with your gut! If you are thinking about stashing money and eventually leaving, then you already know what you want to do. I've never been in that situation, but it seems like all the signs are there for an emotionally abusive relationship. You shouldn't have to deal with someone speaking to you in such a way! Your FH should be loving and looking forward to your wedding day just as much as you are! Not putting you down and making you feel like crappola! I don't know the situation with your family, but anytime a man steers you from your family, there is a HUGE problem! If I were you, I would step back and look at the situation as an outsider. You can never really see the signs when you are in it. I would re-evaluate everything and follow your instincts. A woman's instincts are never wrong!!!! I'm not telling you to cancel your wedding or anything bc I know what an emotional time it must be and both of you must be stressed and on edge... But definitely reconnect with your family and try and sort things out. Divorce is never fun, so if you really feel strongly about leaving... it is best to do it now rather than later. Good Luck!!

You guys need to talk.
It sounds as if you have a very unhealthy relationship. I see some control issues and jealousy.

If you are thinking of bolting, then that is what your heart is telling you to do. One can say 'I love you' a thousand times, but do you guys really MEAN it when you say it to one another ?
Think hard about this, and get professional counseling help for the both of you so all the hidden issues can come out into the open.
I find it sad that your family has disowned you because of him, have they ever given you specific reasons why ?

Sometimes you need to look from the outside in to get answers.

Just keep in mind, there is no shame in cancelling a wedding and breaking up with someone when being together is just not right.

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Posted by SusiBtoM

You guys need to talk.
It sounds as if you have a very unhealthy relationship. I see some control issues and jealousy.

If you are thinking of bolting, then that is what your heart is telling you to do. One can say 'I love you' a thousand times, but do you guys really MEAN it when you say it to one another ?
Think hard about this, and get professional counseling help for the both of you so all the hidden issues can come out into the open.
I find it sad that your family has disowned you because of him, have they ever given you specific reasons why ?

Sometimes you need to look from the outside in to get answers.

Just keep in mind, there is no shame in cancelling a wedding and breaking up with someone when being together is just not right.

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Well said. I totally agree. I am sorry you are going through this

From what i just read - id say cut your losses now. I was previously married to someone who sounds alot like your FH and it only led to divorce. I hate to sound harsh - but cancelling a wedding is not a big deal in the scope of ruining your future.

Good luck whatever you decide

Although from what you said, it does sound like he's controlling, obviously we weren't there and don't know everything that happened. I'm not sayin I don't believe you or don't feel for you. Sometimes when FH and I argue, especially if we're stressed about something else, it escalates and things get said that we don't mean. Afterwards, when we've both calmed down, we talk about it. We've learned to argue about the issue at hand, not bring up tons of other stuff that happened or is happening.

Here's the thing you need to remember..he isn't going to change. He is who he is. If you're truly doubting things, take a break..think it over calmly and rationally.

Breaking up is tough, but you will get over it. Don't stay because you think you won't be able to live without him.

Only you can make the decision of what you need to do. We can listen and give you our point of view, but only you can make the decision.

Either way, I hope you make the best decision for you and your wellbeing and we're always here.

First let me say I really appreciate your input. I just want to explain something though. It is definitely not a control issue. Let's just say that

FH has been put down his whole life by his own family

which started when he was a child, he is dyslexic (which we found out about 5.5 years ago and have since worked on to the point it is barely noticable), which his parents ignored (mom just thought he was being a typical kid not doing his work in school), he played sports, had the chance to go pro, got hurt couldn't play anymore (this happened 2 games before he was to sign), his dad said ok now your a faliure all the way around. His parents lived with his grandparents for yrs, the grandparents put a huge rift between him, his sister and their parents for yrs.

Anyway after he got hurt and could not play sports anymore he just kind of shut down he had no formal eduacation except high school which is why the job market for him is slim and none, which is how I make more than him.

My family they constantly put him down due to his 'lack of education'. His 'lack of knowing how to fix things around the house' (he just always calls someone to come fix it). To my family this is not acceptable. My family had harrassed him to the point of he told them to get out of the house, they always had to have their nose in what was going on here constantly (my dad is a control freak).

It's not like my whole family disowned me. Just a couple of them have issues with FH because after all of these years he finally stood up to them and for himself. That didn't sit so well with them.

As far as love yeah we love each other.

I am just so hurt that he freaked out like he did, honestly I think the situation with my family bothers him (not that he is going to admit to it) more than it does me. I have dealt with them and their crap forever he still doesn't know how to handle them and their manipulations (that i what is going on with the one BM that started this whole mess).

As for me leaving It's not out of me not wanting to marry him or love him and I know he loves me but I think my family has finally drove him over the edge with their BS. I will add this is not the first time my family has done this I was engaged once before and they literally ran my fiance off. FH knows this, all to well, my father bragged about it to him.

Oh and as for him being on here (no account just lurks) he is on the hunt for ideas for his Grooms cake and GM gifts.

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Posted by DeeluvsVinny

Although from what you said, it does sound like he's controlling, obviously we weren't there and don't know everything that happened. I'm not sayin I don't believe you or don't feel for you. Sometimes when FH and I argue, especially if we're stressed about something else, it escalates and things get said that we don't mean. Afterwards, when we've both calmed down, we talk about it. We've learned to argue about the issue at hand, not bring up tons of other stuff that happened or is happening.

Here's the thing you need to remember..he isn't going to change. He is who he is. If you're truly doubting things, take a break..think it over calmly and rationally.

Breaking up is tough, but you will get over it. Don't stay because you think you won't be able to live without him.

Only you can make the decision of what you need to do. We can listen and give you our point of view, but only you can make the decision.

Either way, I hope you make the best decision for you and your wellbeing and we're always here.

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I agree.

Honey, reading your second post makes all the difference in the world.
It is not your FH that you want to leave, it is your family. You want to run away.

But, both you and your FH need to talk it out. It sounds as if there are a lot of repressed issues that have to come out and be resolved if the two of you want to have a successful marriage.

A wedding is only a ceremony, a marriage is a lifetime of love and committment.

The counselor that you will (hopefully) work with willhelp both of you in dealing with your family. Perhaps your immediate family can participate in the counseling to see just how hurtful they have been to both of you. Does your dad really want you not to marry anyone, or is he just jealous that you share your love with someone else ?

Ask yourself this, do you want to and can you spend the rest of your life with your FH regardless of what your family feels/thinks/says ? Can you put your family behind you and move forward with a new life ?

I wish you and your FH well.

I'm so sorry!

I don't have any advice. I don't think that as someone not in your relationship, I can give you anything more than support and encouragement.

You are an intelligent worthy woman and deserve to be treated that way. If you don't like the way you are being treated, no one is going to change, especially if they don't know how badly they are hurting you.

We're here if we can do anything. Good luck!



BTW if you don't want him reading the post later, make sure no one quotes you - or if they do, tell them to edit.