NEED ADVICE NOW!!! Long...

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Posted by Valerie-Joe

BTW if you don't want him reading the post later, make sure no one quotes you - or if they do, tell them to edit.

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I agree.

well couples do have fights and do say some horrible stuff to eachother sometimes out of that anger.

Now it sounds like he probably is freaking out about other things and used whatever he can to fight with you, arguing about other things he really is not mad about me, such as cell phone, to use a distraction from what is really bothering him. Since he is probably afraid to argue with you about what is really bothering him he'll find other things.

You have to look at your whole relationship. Is he good to you, do you two have a solid relationship. To end it for one fight i dont think is necessary. If its an ongoing thing and really an issue then thats a whole other situation.

Maybe he is just stressed and afraid with everything coming up, which is very normal. Guys however dont realize its normal so they freak out.

You two need to sit down and have a serious conversation, not arguing but really opening up. Theres things hes probably holding in and that will most likely make him feel better if he was just open with these feelings. Ask him what the real reason for attacking you was, ask if theres anything he wants to be open about and for you two to talk it out.

I am so sorry you are going through this

if this is the first fight in a while i don't think i personally would run away BUT I do think you should do what your heart is telling you.
if you think that there might be problems down the road you know what you should do...

FM me if you need to

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Posted by CCXit

First let me say I really appreciate your input. I just want to explain something though. It is definitely not a control issue. Let's just say that

FH has been put down his whole life by his own family

which started when he was a child, he is dyslexic (which we found out about 5.5 years ago and have since worked on to the point it is barely noticable), which his parents ignored (mom just thought he was being a typical kid not doing his work in school), he played sports, had the chance to go pro, got hurt couldn't play anymore (this happened 2 games before he was to sign), his dad said ok now your a faliure all the way around. His parents lived with his grandparents for yrs, the grandparents put a huge rift between him, his sister and their parents for yrs.

Anyway after he got hurt and could not play sports anymore he just kind of shut down he had no formal eduacation except high school which is why the job market for him is slim and none, which is how I make more than him.

My family they constantly put him down due to his 'lack of education'. His 'lack of knowing how to fix things around the house' (he just always calls someone to come fix it). To my family this is not acceptable. My family had harrassed him to the point of he told them to get out of the house, they always had to have their nose in what was going on here constantly (my dad is a control freak).

It's not like my whole family disowned me. Just a couple of them have issues with FH because after all of these years he finally stood up to them and for himself. That didn't sit so well with them.

As far as love yeah we love each other.

I am just so hurt that he freaked out like he did, honestly I think the situation with my family bothers him (not that he is going to admit to it) more than it does me. I have dealt with them and their crap forever he still doesn't know how to handle them and their manipulations (that i what is going on with the one BM that started this whole mess).

As for me leaving It's not out of me not wanting to marry him or love him and I know he loves me but I think my family has finally drove him over the edge with their BS. I will add this is not the first time my family has done this I was engaged once before and they literally ran my fiance off. FH knows this, all to well, my father bragged about it to him.

Oh and as for him being on here (no account just lurks) he is on the hunt for ideas for his Grooms cake and GM gifts.

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this is why sometimes it can be hard to go to others for help, bc they will give advice just from one side of things. If they hear his side maybe its different, i know from past experiences not to judge just by what one person said. I always say that after a couple gets into a fight and you hear her side you will agree with her, hear his side and you will see things from a different perspective. Theres a whole lot more to one fight than just what was said in that moment, many years of something else that built up to it. I know theres been times when i was mad at DH and people thought i was wrong but they didnt know the real reason and when they did everyones opinion changed.

I am going to be VERY honest with you now and say sorry but your family is wrong for what they did. At first we probably all thought that they were against him for how he treated you but they are only against him for completely different reasons. They judge him for not going to college and HS being his highest level of education. They need to realize that you love him and are with him and need to respect him just for that, as long as hes not hurting you that is. Then they judge him bc he cant fix things around the house, again your family needs to accept him for who he is, you cant hate someone bc they are not handy. My dad is the least handy person around the house, its not what makes him or doesnt make him the person that he is, or what you judge a person by. You need to talk to your family because honestly it would be VERY hard for anybody to be in a relationship when your spouses family is very judging and hateful towards this person. None of us would like that situation, i would hate it if DH's family said bad things about me all the time and judged me in that way. It would definitely cause a problem if that was the case and sorry but i would argue with Dh about this. If my family ever judged my DH in that way i would say something to them and flip out, i would not allow them to put him down.

I would be very upset if i was your FH too. You want your SO's family to like you and welcome you into the family. But if they treat him like that, get involved in your relationship, are manipulative then yes that will hurt him, it would hurt anybody. With my ex, it was a big problem that he was the baby and his mom didnt like that anybody was taking her baby away. It caused so many problems and as time goes on it only makes things worse. I was in a situation i hated, i hated the BS dealing with that, i would look at others who had good relationships with the mothers and hated that so much. I do know others in the same situation now and let me say it causes alot of problems.

You need to really sit down and talk to your family. Tell them once and for all that they are ruining your relationship and have done so in the past too.

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Posted by CCXit

Then this morning I get a text from him (he is at work) saying that 'Just wanted to tell you that no matter what I say or do I dont mean to be an *** to you no matter what I love you and you are my life'.

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This says to me that he was just venting out of frustration.

What he said to you was horrible but it sounds like he was just fed up with everything.

I've said some hurtful things to people that I wish I hadn't and I didn't mean any of it - I just knew it would really hurt that person, you know? Like if my mom was sensitive about her weight - if we were in a fight I would say something about her weight to hurt her.

I don't think you should pack it up unless you feel like it's over for YOU. How do you feel about him?

I think no matter how angry he gets, he shouldnt talk to you in a way that puts you down like that. It sounds like he might have a verbal abuse problem. And maybe its not a terrible verbal abuse problem but for him to put you down like that isnt normal. Maybe you guys can try a couple of counseling sessions since it sounds like you dont want to end this.

Maybe you dont have to cancel the wedding altogether. You can always postpone it until you work out all your differences with him and the family because if its straining NOW before youre married, thats not good. Marriage wont fix anything.

I don't agree with some posts on here but it's just my opinion and after seeing your 2nd response I'm glad I said what I said.

MY family hates my FH okay. They talk to him and deal with him but still dont like him. I went through a lot of crap just to be with him and after 6 years, we're getting married. My FH never went to college EITHER so that means he doesnt have an education right? But d a m n them, he's the smartest most attentive person you've met. He's not the skinnest guy in the world either (and my family made sure and let him know it, calling him f a t ) FAMILY does NOT always see the right in there mind. If they have issues with it, it sometimes means that they're only opening their eyes to things they want to see and not the good things about him. I love my family dont get me wrong but my FH has been there for me through it all and when we marry I'm gonna love him even more. Everyone goes through family problems concerning relationship and if you know in your heart you love him after all both of you said there is no reason to leave. talk it out with him. people argue ALL the time and say things they DONT want to say. but it comes out.

I've come to realise that my family being the way they are - it's never going to change and you just have to accept it.

dont give up just yeT!!

Well I spoke to FH earlier.... He feels really bad about last night actually he has been calling and texting all day...

We're going to have a long talk when he get home.

He did finally admit to why he freaked out. He thinks I am beating myself up over my family and this wedding and he wishes I would accept the fact of what is going on and quit making myself miserable over it. He feels like the whole family issue is his fault an he can't make it better for me so he just kind of exploded. In truth he wishes it was them he flipped out on but is trying not to out of respect of the fact it is my father.

I already told FH about this post and he laughed and said I figured. He knows I would come here for advice (my friends are all out of the area, I did call them though). The person I am closest to in this world...FH's Sister I would not call with this. The whole thing with my family is a huge embarrassment to me. FH's family is wonderful to me and I love them to death but I could never tell them how my family is acting.

I did also tell FH about me wanting to run... He said that is normal for me, you like to run especially when things get bad with your dad, this is very true!! I have moved to another state 6 times to escape my father and the way he wants to control. I thought it would be different this time because in the beginning my family accepted FH totally, now I see it was all manipulation so they could be near their grandchild. Seriously everything was fine when we bought our house, moved back 1st yr here. Then when FH and I announced our wedding plans all H E L L broke loose. I keep thinking if I can get through this wedding it will be alright and they will back off.

I guess I was using the argument with FH as my excuse to run...

I also think I should add that our daughter is the BM that we are having issues with. She has recently moved out (she is 18) in preparation for going to college this fall. She wanted to be on her own before she went. FH is very hurt that his own child is playing around about this wedding so much. He is very hurt that my father has become a control freak with her and has her believing this wedding should not take place there is no reason for us to get married now.

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Posted by CCXit

Well I spoke to FH earlier.... He feels really bad about last night actually he has been calling and texting all day...

We're going to have a long talk when he get home.

He did finally admit to why he freaked out. He thinks I am beating myself up over my family and this wedding and he wishes I would accept the fact of what is going on and quit making myself miserable over it. He feels like the whole family issue is his fault an he can't make it better for me so he just kind of exploded. In truth he wishes it was them he flipped out on but is trying not to out of respect of the fact it is my father.

I already told FH about this post and he laughed and said I figured. He knows I would come here for advice (my friends are all out of the area, I did call them though). The person I am closest to in this world...FH's Sister I would not call with this. The whole thing with my family is a huge embarrassment to me. FH's family is wonderful to me and I love them to death but I could never tell them how my family is acting.

I did also tell FH about me wanting to run... He said that is normal for me, you like to run especially when things get bad with your dad, this is very true!! I have moved to another state 6 times to escape my father and the way he wants to control. I thought it would be different this time because in the beginning my family accepted FH totally, now I see it was all manipulation so they could be near their grandchild. Seriously everything was fine when we bought our house, moved back 1st yr here. Then when FH and I announced our wedding plans all H E L L broke loose. I keep thinking if I can get through this wedding it will be alright and they will back off.

I guess I was using the argument with FH as my excuse to run...

I also think I should add that our daughter is the BM that we are having issues with. She has recently moved out (she is 18) in preparation for going to college this fall. She wanted to be on her own before she went. FH is very hurt that his own child is playing around about this wedding so much. He is very hurt that my father has become a control freak with her and has her believing this wedding should not take place there is no reason for us to get married now.

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From this post, it sounds like FH just blew a fuse because of everything and he's willing to work things out. If you feel like youre first instinct is to run when things get bad then you need to work on that. I think its great he admits he was wrong and feels remorseful. I think you guys will be fine.