Need advice on father situation...

I know my wedding is over a year away but this just keeps popping into my mind and maybe someone has been in the same situation as me or just has good outside looking in advice.

My dad has not been in my life very much. He skipped my college graduation to go to Mohegan Sun and we didn't talk for over 4 years. Now he has been making a small effort to see me and talk to me again.

He will be invited to the wedding with the women he has been with for 15 years and that's not a problem. The problem is I don;t know what to do about involving him.

I don;t want him to walk me down the aisle, do the father dance, or even be announced with the parents. He hasn't been a parent to me since I was about 12 but I feel like this would be publicly shunning him. Should I just involve him to not make anything an issue?

(The one thing I'm not budging on is him walking me down the aisle. My mom will do that because I'm hers to give away, not his)

This may sound like very cliche advice, but I truly believe it applies here...do what is best for you and your FH. Make yourself happy and do what feels right. Your wedding day is absolutely about you and your FH.

Don't worry about what people will think. I know this probably is easier said than done...but don't budge.

That being said, perhaps find a special and personal way to involve your father rather than the traditional and conventional ways. Hmmm.....I will think on this....

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Posted by Byrne2Be

This may sound like very cliche advice, but I truly believe it applies here...do what is best for you and your FH. Make yourself happy and do what feels right. Your wedding day is absolutely about you and your FH.

Don't worry about what people will think. I know this probably is easier said than done...but don't budge.

That being said, perhaps find a special and personal way to involve your father rather than the traditional and conventional ways. Hmmm.....I will think on this....

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Thanks. If you come up with anything I would truly appreciate it. I hate to say it but he is like a black cloud looming in the distance and I am having trouble ignoring it.

FH says we can cut out parent dances all together but I feel like I would be taking something special away from him and FMIL if we did that.

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Posted by ewecki825

This is a really tough situation and I can understand your feelings about involving him. You said that your relationship is starting to get a little better but you have to realize that if you do not involve him you might stop talking again. I say do whatever you feel comfortable with but make sure you are ready for the consequences.

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That's the thing too. I don't want to hurt him and make him not want to talk to me. He has always been the one to do all the hurting. I think I'm better than that but it is all just going to be so fake.

That's a rough situation. I'm in a similar boat except mine remarried and forgot about me and my sister as kids. We started having a relationship later in life but very surface level. My Mom is walking me down. I am dancing with him but to a generic, non-mushy daddy's little girl type of song. Think: In My Life from the Beatles kind of song. I'm only dancing because I know FMIL would be crushed not to dance with FH. I am also going to dance with my mother.

Are you close to his new spouse. Maybe you could talk about some elements of the wedding with her. Also, if you are getting married in a Church you could have your father do a reading to feel more involved.

Good luck. My heart is with you.

I like the idea of having a dance that isn't trying to be more meaningful than it is if I do decide to dance with him.

You're right though too, who knows if he will even show up. I told him that we booked and he acted all happy and asked if the family was going to have a problem with him being there. I was like 'so, you're coming?' and he was like 'of course!' But really, who knows?

I'd have him announced but skip the father/daughter dance.

But thats me - you have to do whats best for you.

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Posted by courtnjay2012

My heart goes out to you I am in a similar situation. I'm going to fm you.

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Okay please do. It's comforting to know others have these issues too.

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Posted by meghan13

I'd have him announced but skip the father/daughter dance.

But thats me - you have to do whats best for you.

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I just wonder if it would be too weird if he does the mother son dance but I feel the same way.

my heart goes out to you..
I too am in a very similar situation. My dad hasnt been involved in my life since a little girl, and we havent always had the greatest relationship.
I am currently trying to figure out what im going to do myself, I was thinking of just inviting him. thats it.
my step dad will walk me down the aisle as he has been in my life since im 4. I will do a mother/daughter dance. and thats all.

At first I was going to have him and stepdad walk me down the aisle and do a mother/daughter dance and a father/daugher dance with him but I recently am having a change of heart.
he hasnt put in any effort and didnt show to our engagement party. so i feel like why should i put in all the effort.. fh thinks im wrong but its how i feel. ya know..

well good luck!! fm me if you wanna ever talk about it!! let us know what you decide!

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Posted by SoInLove916

my heart goes out to you..
I too am in a very similar situation. My dad hasnt been involved in my life since a little girl, and we havent always had the greatest relationship.
I am currently trying to figure out what im going to do myself, I was thinking of just inviting him. thats it.
my step dad will walk me down the aisle as he has been in my life since im 4. I will do a mother/daughter dance. and thats all.

At first I was going to have him and stepdad walk me down the aisle and do a mother/daughter dance and a father/daugher dance with him but I recently am having a change of heart.
he hasnt put in any effort and didnt show to our engagement party. so i feel like why should i put in all the effort.. fh thinks im wrong but its how i feel. ya know..

well good luck!! fm me if you wanna ever talk about it!! let us know what you decide!

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He didn't show up to your engagement party? I'm so sorry. The same goes for you. If FH doesn't understand a decision and you want to talk about it, I'm here for you.

Personally I wouldn't involve him. My parents divorced when I was very young and pretty much stopped associating with me at 10 years old. He called on my 18th birthday to speak to my mom about stopping child support payments. My mom remarried when I was about 1 year old and thats my dad. When I first got engaged a lot of family members were basically trying to convince me to invite my biological dad and/or include him and from day one my answer was no.

You were a little older when your parents seperated so I see why you're inviting him. I wouldn't include him in anything because just because he created you doesn't make him a dad. If you're even questioning it you shouldn't do it.

I am in a similar situation as well. I am having both of my parents walk me down the aisle and will have a father-daughter dance but to a generic song as well. I am only doing this to avoid future and lifelong problems.

In your situation, I would have both my parents walk me down the aisle but cut out the dance. Maybe that would give him the hint that he needs to step it up a little more.

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Posted by AdriandSteve

Is there a way to talk to your dad to let him know about your feelings ahead of time?

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Yes. But knowing him he might just get mad and not come. Well, at least then I wouldn't have to think about any of this.

My situation is a bit different since my father has been completely *** since I was born (literally he wasn't there) with the exception of my seeing him 4 times my whole life and speaking to him on the phone an additional 4 times - last time being when I was about 13. Therefore I'm sensitive to the situation....

Def have your mom walk you down the aisle. If you wanted, and only if you wanted, you could have him walk ahead of the bridal party before the ceremony with his escort. Like when the grooms's parents walk out.

As for the entrance into the reception you can have him announced, or just forego announcing all parents altogether.

Do you even feel comfortable dancing with him even to a generic song?? I couldn't ever imagine myself doing that... so b/c I'm biased I would say chat with your FMIL and see if she minds just nixing the whole dance thing given the circumstances... If you HAVE to dance with your father def go generic...

Good luck and try not to lose sleep over it now. In months from now things may be very different and your decisions made very easily.