Need advice on MOH problem (long)

Ok...I feel really wierd about putting this kind of stuff on here but, after all the horror stories I have heard on here in the past few months I figured I could use some input on a little issue i am having with my moh before I blow-up and alienate her forever. I have a tendency to make a big deal out of nothing...so my question to you is---would you be mad if it were your MOH and, if so, what would you do?

My MOH has been my best friend for almost 15 years. Thus, she knows my family very well and, essentially is like part of the family. She comes to all the big family occassions etc. Two weeks ago my grandpa got really sick and ended up in the hospital out of nowhere....it turns out he needed intensive open heart surgery and he is in his 80's so this is a big deal. I go home for the weekend before his surgery (which was on monday) to visit him (i am living away from home this year). i had already had plans for saturday with my MOH, and, since i am hardly ever able to get home i felt bad about breaking them. Needless to say, i was late on saturday to pick her up...i called and apologized several times and explained that there was a complication with my gp and my grandma and mother were hysterical and i was trying to talk to them etc. (i had already told her about my grandpa the day before)...she seemed a little annoyed.

i get to her house to pick her up and although she is being nice i can tell she is annoyed...she makes a comment to the effect of 'i could have exercised this morning if you would have told me you were leaving later'...not one word about my gp or family.

at the end of the day when i drop her off...she says where are you going now...and i said 'to visit my gp' ... she knows how i am and knows i was VERY upset...my gp's are VERY close to my family and they hardly ever get sick so this was a very big deal....plus, i live about 6 hours from home so the fact that i couldn't be there for them was killing me.

I don't hear from her again until Thursday...she never calls to see how the surgery went or how my family was doing etc... on thursday i send her an email to wish her sister a happy b-day...i apologize for forgetting but say i was distracted by my gp being sick. she replies via email...'how is he' i tell her (another email) about all the complications etc. and she replies (email) by asking me advice about a problem she is having with a guy...when i don't respond, the next day she forwards me the email asking for guy advice and says...'did you get this...i need feedback'...again, not a word about my gp, my family, or myself...

I feel so horrible...not that she doesn't care how i am, but that she didn't care at all about my grandpa or grandma etc.

Am i overreacting?
Thanks in advance for your help

There is something else going on between you and your MOH. I cannot believe that after 15 years of friendship she would be upset that you were late and not even ask about your grandfather. That just doesn't add up.
Think about it. Perhaps there is something unsettled between you two. Could she be upset that you are getting married?
Maybe you need to call her and just say 'Are you upset with me about something? I feel like something isn't right with us'

I hope your grandpa is feeling better. This must be a very difficult time for him and your whole family.

Firstly sorry to hear about your gp.

Regards the MOH, while I think your MOH behaviour is a little odd based on the background you posted. Is she maybe felling a little left out of it now that you live so far away? Is your r/ship strong enough for a conversation about it?

I wish you luck, one last piece of advice, try to be tactful at first and see where that goes.

Sry about your Grandpa. I will keep him in my thoughts. It is sad that this is going on for you now, both Grandfather and MOH. People sometimes get sooooo wrapped up into their own lives that they can't see others. Your MOH is upset about something. You need to find out what it is and it truly does sound like more than you being late. I would delicately ask her if everything is ok? If she says yes. Then I would ask her point blank if you did something to upset her and listen carefully (there maybe a hidden message in there) and try to talk to her.


I understand your frustration (BELIEVE ME) but blowing up will not get you anywhere. Try to take in whatever she has to say and think about it before you react!
GL!

I hope your GP is dong a lot better! and I also think like Michelle, you shoudl approach her and try to find out what is wrong with her and her attitude.

Thanks girls for the advice and support...

I'm another one who thinks that there is something else going on here. Was she mad at you for moving away? or Does she have issues with hospitals/sickness? A lot of people just can't cope when someone is very ill.

*HUGS* to you and your family. Sorry you have this to add to your troubles.

Annie,
I had an eerily similar situation with a bridesmaid that I had been very close with for 10 years. My grandmother suddenly got sick and passed away and I called her to tell her but she never returned my calls (she was in the middle of moving @@). Two weeks after the fact I finally heard from her. I was very angry b/c I had been there for her when her grandparents passed and made shiva calls. We made up and a few months later my grandfather needed major heart surgery at 86. I told my friend and she would 'dutifully' call every week and ask how he was but I felt she was just asking and didn't really care. When he passed a month later I called and told her and she said she would be at the funeral. At the last minute she backed out b/c in was in Manhattan and she claimed she didn't know her way around. Total BS. If it was to meet a guy she would drive to the ends of the earth. She then promised me she would pay a shiva call which was 15 minutes from her house. Again, never showed. I received an email from her after the last night of the shiva saying she just didn't have time b/c she was leaving for Florida and had to pack Not even the courtesy of a phone call. I never responded.
Needless to say I never spoke to her again. She never even tried to contact me after that and its been almost a year.
I don't know if I have a point here but I think in this case it all started from the time I got engaged. I'm not she if she was jealous, resentful, whatever. I do know that she was always very self involved, everything revolved around her. It was fine when we were single but when my status changed it seemed the friendship wasn't important to her anymore.
Sorry for babbling
Prayers for your grandfather

Annie, I hope your GP has a speedy recovery. My thoughts and prayers go to all of you

About your MOH, I would definitley be upset, that is very uncaring behavior on her part, and I would talk to her about it. I hope everything works out for you. HUGS

I am so sorry to hear your family is going through this. My prayers are w/ your family and your Grandfather!

My Grandmother was sick last year, and passed 2 months later. It was the sadest time in my life. I had called my MOH to tell her, but she didn't call me back. I know it's not b/c she didn't care. I was back and forth b/t Maine and she is still telling me that she's got the sympathy card at home. I really don't think it's odd behavior, she's got 2 kids at home etc.. (I do think she could've mailed the card.. but whatever). I realized that people do handle things in different ways. I would've drove up to her if she needed my shoulder to cry on. I can't expect that anyone would do the things that I would do. This is the same girl who just called me this morning and knew my wedding was Oct. but couldn't remember which date, but put in for the full week of vacation to make sure she could be here for me. I cancelleld plans on her to go see my Grandmother, and she didn't care in the least bit, she totally understood. Who wouldn't?
That being said though, it sounds like there is something more b/t your MOH. If I were you, I would talk to her and tell her you were hurt by her not even asking. See how she reacts and how you feel about her reaction. Don't jump to conclusions now, investigate first.

I can say, I know jealousy drives people to act in the strangest of ways. I have seen far too many girls jealous over other girls being engaged/married etc.. even when they're engaged themselves! I have to admit, the part that she seemed annoyed about you being late? I'm surprised you kept your plans, what would she have done then? Something does seem off w/ her.

Hope it all works out (it usually does)

Sorry it took me so long to respond...I want to thank all of you for your advice...it made me feel SO MUCH better

I put off dealing with this situation for awhile...i know i should have called her but i am such a wimp i knew that if i called her i would end up apologizing and i really didn't want to do that...

so anyway...i did what you all warned me not to--like an idiot, and sent her an email...

unfortunately, her response was not what i expected...so who knows where this is going to end...

Anyway...just wanted to thank you all for your support

Also, I wanted to say that I AM SO SORRY to hear about all of your situations...i never imagined how much harder it was to have a sick family member during this time...it makes it so much worse when you are planning for such a special event and something like this brings you back to reality.

Thank you all for your prayers...they must be working because my grandpa is still hanging in there...THANK GOD.

I hope your grandpa is doing better.

From the background you gave I would definatly have a talk with your MOH. My Maid of honor (I have a maid and matron) has been my best friend for 10 years and if something like this happened I would definatly want to know whats up.

I would ask her to go to diner or coffee or something where you and her can talk.

Thanks...i really feel like maybe she isnt who i thought she was...
when i told her i was upset instead of apologizing she just started attacking me...she was like how was i supposed to know how sick he was? if you need me, you have to tell me i am not a mind reader...etc. meanwhile, i know she knew and if she didn't she is obviously too self-absorbed to notice anything.

oh well...enough ranting about this

AnnieB, I had a similar situation with my best friend of 22 years. I won't go into the details, but basically she's avoided me since I got engaged. Finally she admitted she was jealous of me and my happy situation. This isn't the first time she behaved this way. Last week over a guest list issue, she blew up, screamed at me on the phone and withdrew from my bridal party. While she was screaming at me I tried to calm her down and said nicely, 'Okay, I can tell you're very upset, let's talk about it and work it out...' She said 'I don't care what you have to say!' We haven't spoken since, and I have to tell you it's the last straw for me. Our 22 year friendship is over.

Weddings will bring out all the underlying issues in family and friends. By the you are married, you will know for sure who your TRUE friends are....and who they aren't...

Sorry you're going through this upsetting time.

KarenM

Whoops! That should have been..

By the TIME you are married, you will know who your TRUE friends are.....etc.




KarenM