Need advice re: ex-wife

My FH went through a long separation/divorce with his ex.... over three years. I had to stay hidden from her for the first year because if she decided to go wacko she could have delayed the divorce and set us back. She only just got all of her stuff out of his house 2 months ago (right after he got the finalized divorce papers back)... ridiculous. After all of the drama she caused to him and his family his mother told me they have all felt from day one of meeting me that I was 'a breath of fresh air'.

The ex called in the beginning of the summer (yes, after the divorce papers came back) wanting to know if she could come over and visit the cat that my FH now has custody of I know what you are thinking, is this woman for real? They don't have kids together and she put him through so much. She just doesn't know that it's not appropriate... they are not friends. I told him shortly after we got engaged that I have been very patient through this ordeal, never asked for anything but I am now. I wanted him to call her, tell her he was getting married and in a nice way say, well, ok have a nice life and drop serious hints that because he has moved on it's not appropriate that they speak... she really put him through hell so I don't know why he would want to. He did call he but my FMIL is not 100% sure she will completely stay away. What do I do?

Problem #2... he still has one box of framed pictures of the two of them that he took off of the walls of the house before he started dating again. He told me this but I have to admit I snooped at bit. I think it's creepy to keep their wedding pictures in the house as we are engaged and I'm moving in. He doesn't look at them and they are buried in a box in the storage area of the basement.

Any advice? Should I mention it or wait and see? I'm officially moving in in December and the wedding is next July.

Thanks

I don't know...I keep pictures of my ex's, and my parents got divorced and my mom has their wedding pictures still (and has moved on). So long as he doesn't look at them all the time...I can understand keeping them. It is still a time of his life that he can't pretend didn't happen--so long as his heart is with you that is what's important.

As for the cat...Did she want custody of it? Honestly I love my cat and would want to see him if FH got custody.

I don't think visiting is a great idea. I mean, they have history together, but I believe the past...should be left in the past.

As far as the pictures...I always wondered what do you do with ex-boyfriend pictures. MY FH had one girlfriend years ago, so that is not a problem for me, but I have a few albums at my parents (where we are moving in after we get married for a few years) and wondered what to do with them.

They were together for ten years total. He met her when he was 24... she 29 (this was her second marriage). There really were problems from the start... but I think she was all he knew, she had problems from childhood that he though through his love he could fix... doesn't work that way the person with the issues has to do the fixing. They dated for three years, engaged for 1 1/2 (very untraditional wedding ceremony/reception... I think his mom almost died of embarrassment), and after almost three years of married she just freaked out one day and said she didn't think this was the life she wanted. They never had kids. They were in therapy for two years... she would go off to Maine for a month at a time... several times, to 'find herself'. Meanwhile, she's not working he is supporting her and often living alone. I know he sounds like a wuss but he was wiling to do whatever was necessary and in the end she took advantage of that.

I can understand parents who are divorced keeping their albums. My mom died and my Dad kept everything mostly because of my brother and myself...

As for ex-BF, GF... it's not as 'loaded' of a situation. Doesn't matter how long you date someone marriage in my book is a different story.

I am moving into his house and then we are going to look for another house right after the wedding next summer. I'm sure as we are packing up again, it will be taken care of then.

I don't think things like this bother guys half as much as women.

Thanks for the advice.

I still have all my old pictures of my ex boyfriends - I want to show my kids someday that Mommy made mistakes too!

As for the cat - how attached is your FH to the cat? If he's not as attached, maybe he could give her the cat and get a new one? I mean, she obviously will take any excuse she can find to see him, why not give her one less?

As far as the cat. I can understand, I've had dogs all of my life. But, she chose to leave him and didn't have a living situation for two years that could support the cat. Trust me, the cat is mentioned, by name, in their separation/divorce papers... she agreed to hand over custody. My FH and I agree, it's not about this cat, if it was she would have taken her a long time ago or they would have renegotiated the agreement. He was willing to give her the cat. It's not about the cat, they don't have children together and this is her only tie to him... this is her desparate and only excuse, after all that she did to him, to keep a relationship going. He's offered her the cat even though he really loves the cat and would be heartbroken. Again, it's really not about the cat. If it wasn't the cat it would be something else.


Thanks for letting me vent.

If she truly doesn't care about the cat, then no visitation for her. The cat shouldn't be used as a pawn. Also, she should not be given the cat.

Best of luck to you.

Karen

Thanks for all of your input. I'm going to see what happens. If he takes care of them before I move in great, hopefully, before the wedding, if not, I'm sure they'll go when we move.

How much should you tip a moving man to 'lose' a box? No, I'm only kidding! I wouldn't do that. I'm going to lay low for a while, see if he does anything or brings it up. When he told me of the box he did say he would take-care of it eventually. But you girls know men, for some of them, eventually is hundreds of years.

If you only knew the whole story. His best friend told me he wouldn't have put up with her %&?! for as long as my FH did. That's why I love him so much, he's very compassionate and patient with people.

Worst, comes to worst, I'll wait until we move.

Thanks.