Need advice...is it rude to kick out a BM?

I have what used to be a very close friend as one of my bridesmaids. We worked together everyday for about 3 years and when we worked together, we were very close and hung out and were very tight. Then I quit and moved on to a new job this past January. I asked her to be in the bridal party just a few days before I got the good news about the job offer. Ever since I quit though, she's been distant and even rude about my wedding plans. She doesn't call and now she's moved out of state. So now she will not be able to assist me with any wedding plans and has made it clear that she WILL NOT be helping me. Is it okay to ask her not to be a bridesmaid anymore? I don't think I even want her AT my wedding. What do I do???

PS - She recently got engaged about 2 weeks ago and called me to tell me she wants the names of the vendors I'm using and to save all of the info I've gathered up so far. Do I help her???

It's not up to me to determine if it's rude or not. However, it's your wedding and your bridal party is indeed an important aspect.

If you do not want her in your BP you can tell her the truth or you can lie. That of course is of your choosing.

If you decide to lie, you can always say that you've decided to have a smaller wedding due to budgeting factors, and that you have also decided not to have a bridal party.

Good Luck and Please keep us posted.

I don't know how I would feel about asking someone to step down.

I would suggest speaking to her honestly then, and expressing your sentiments just as you have above.

---

Posted by alnem


PS - She recently got engaged about 2 weeks ago and called me to tell me she wants the names of the vendors I'm using and to save all of the info I've gathered up so far. Do I help her???

---

I don't know about asking her to step down.
However, FWIW, planning a wedding from out of state is really hard because it can be difficult to meet with lots of different vendors before chosing one. I have to say that I used a lot of other people's research to choose vendors since I am far away. FOr example, when I am in NY for a weekend, I spend the ENTIRE weekend jumping from tightly scheduled appointment to tightly scheduled appointment. I am using the same florist my friend used, a hall that my brother and SIL looked at for their wedding (but did not choose), etc.

WHether or not you help her is up to you to decide, but as an out of state bride, I can say that she might be freaking out about the idea of planning from afar.

---

Posted by alnem

I can't really lie like that, we have some mutual friends now that will be at the wedding and will tell her. Would you do it if you were in my situation? Would you feel guilty?

---

I would not lie...however consider if you see this girl in your life 6 months to a year after you are married. If not, then i would just gently tell her that you feel that you two have become very distant and you would prefer her not to be in the BP anymore. She might get upset but if she does its not like you are losing a friend you figured you would have for life. Good luck.

Dealing with the same thing!! 1st with FSIL, (but we have settled it). Now w/ my BF who is one of my BM's. We used to be sooo close. 3 yrs ago she married a guy, in a quick legal wedding, only a few months after meeting each other. She wanted to plan a huge wedding, it never happened. Their marriage has been in a steady decline since day one, there is no love between them.

She has an EXTREMELY negative attitude towards happy couples & weddings. She puts down the cute things that my FH & I do together, like holding hands && kissing all the time, she says that will end soon, and we'll be unhappy before we know it. Just b/c she is in a miserable marriage, doesn't mean every marriage turns sour. I really feel that she's terribly jealous since I got an amazing man, & since I'm having so much fun planning my wedding.


I have tried to ignore it & deal with her attitude. Nothing works. I want her out. I don't know how to do it. I DON'T want to hurt or loose her.

If you don't want her to even attend your wedding, then don't share your info. It'll only force you to remain close & talk all the time. Tell her that your not as close as you used to be. Maybe she'll agree?

It sounds as if she was jealous that you were getting married and could not be happy until she was in the spot-light also. I totally feel for you. Sorry this is such a long post ladies!!!!

I would ask her if she still wants to be a part of the wedding. I would say it in a way that being she's moved away and will now be busy planning her own wedding, if it will be too much for her. Try to let her tell you she doesn't want to be in the party. I'm sure if you're feeling this way about the relationship, chances are she's probably feeling the same way. Explain to her if she thinks it might be too much now because of her move and her own engagement, that you understand and won't be mad or upset. Don't sound thrilled but just explain that you're a little disappointed, but understand. This way you don't ruin the friendship and avoid things being awkward. As far as her coming to the wedding, I'd wait until you need to worry about that. Good Luck.

---

Posted by simbacat

I would ask her if she still wants to be a part of the wedding. I would say it in a way that being she's moved away and will now be busy planning her own wedding, if it will be too much for her. Try to let her tell you she doesn't want to be in the party. I'm sure if you're feeling this way about the relationship, chances are she's probably feeling the same way. Explain to her if she thinks it might be too much now because of her move and her own engagement, that you understand and won't be mad or upset. Don't sound thrilled but just explain that you're a little disappointed, but understand. This way you don't ruin the friendship and avoid things being awkward. As far as her coming to the wedding, I'd wait until you need to worry about that. Good Luck.

---

I agree w/ this. As far as inviting her to the wedding - wait and see how much contact there is b/w the 2 of you from now until then. If you aren't speaking but once every few months (if that) then don't invite her.

I personally would just ask her if she really wants to be in the wedding. Try to explain to her how you feel she has been very distant toward your wedding plans, and needs. I fshe gives you attitude again, just say you don;t think its going to work. I find that when people get mean w/ you, then it's easier for you to respond the way you really feel, or w/ whatever you really want to say.
Good luck

Thanks for all of the good advice ladies. I feel a little less stressed about it now. I think I'll try to take the suggestion of making it seem like I understand if she doesn't want to be in my wedding b/c she's so busy with her own plans and her new job. I guess I'll wing it come invitation time too. Thanks again!!!

I would talk to her, ask her straight up-Do you want to be in the BP b/c I get the feeling that you might not be interested anymore and if thats the case you wont be hurting my feelings.

SHe might feel wierd about telling you she doesnt, or she might really want to be and just cant help you. My MOH is in Michigan, I dont expect her to do very much except be there for me the night before and day of.

As far as helping her, that is your choice. Save the things that you have and see how you feel about it later.