It is NOT me I swear!!!!! A good friend of mine has been married for over 3 months. Her H is very abusive towards her. He expects her to be at home at a certain time, have dinner ready, clean, etc.....It isn't that she doesn't do these chores, it is the 'Expect' that is driving her crazy. He calls the minute we get out of work and if she doesn't answer, he calls my house, my cell, etc..My dh is at his wits end.
He has hit her just in the right places so that no one sees, he has called her all sorts of names and today, he called me a 'Heffa' She needs to leave this jerk and I have tried so many times to help her get away from him. She comes from an abusive household so what else does she know. It breaks my heart to see her go through this. I want her to run away but she just isn't strong enough. Apparently he is on his way into the city tonight to kick my a$$ because she stayed out too late. I mean WTF this guy is insane. Totally insane. I feel that she is going to wind up dead some where and I knew about it. The guilt will kill me. What can I do to help her? Thanks for listening to me vent...I just don't know what to do.
jannshari
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Re: Need advise about abusive relationship (M)
Just continue to be there for her. Collect information for her that you can keep at your house regarding abuse hotlines and shelters she can go to. Save some money for her in case she ever does need to live quickly and needs a little help. Let her talk and don't judge her. Don't confront or threaten her husband in any way, because he will take it out on her.
It's scary to be in an abusive relationship, but even scarier to try to leave. Just be her friend and let her know that your door is always open to her if she needs to come through it.
kmcwed
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Re: Need advise about abusive relationship (M)
WeddingsRock
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Re: Need advise about abusive relationship (M)
He just called my house again. I have been keeping a log of everything and money is not a problem. I feel so bad for her because I was raised to be a powerful woman. I never took any crap from any man. I was hoping that deep down inside of her she would of found the strength to leave him before they got married. But, she didn't and now she is really in way deep. He was out of control today to the point that I heard him screaming on the other end of the phone. He made me nervous. I am just going to pray for her. It makes me so sad though.
jannshari
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Re: Need advise about abusive relationship (M)
I would say that if he calls you and threatens you, you can always call the police. Unfortunately, though, he'll probably wind up taking it out on her. The statistics about women leaving their abusers are incredibly disturbing, so she really needs to be in a place where she is going to leave him for good before she can even consider leaving.
She's lucky to have a friend like you.
amy0405
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Re: Need advise about abusive relationship (M)
Im going thru the same thing!!! My friend has been in a horrible relationship for over a year. She has changed so much, its so hard to even have a nice conversation with her.
This guy has shown his true colors in front of my entire group of friends at a bbq. It was horrible. But my friend is a caretaker and nurturer, and I think she thinks she is going to 'make him better'
I want to kidnap her.
WeddingsRock
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Re: Need advise about abusive relationship (M)
Maybe we could kidnap them together and they could be roomates! She hasn't called me tonight to let me know if she is okay. I will just pray for the best.
michele31
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Re: Need advise about abusive relationship (M)
There are 2 things here: if you feel she is in immediate danger- you should call someone in her family or another friend and you should both go there (when he is NOT home) and offer her a safe place to go. I would NOT stop until she left. But remember if he is hitting her, she will be in danger if he thinks she called you or he may have told her he will kill her if she ever tries to leave him. If her parents or a sibling(s) are able, they are the best people to help her get out of this. But again, if her life is at all in physical danger you MUST speak up!
if he is verbally abusive and her life or the life a child is not at stake then the decision needs to be her own. Trying to force her out will only issolate her more. he is probably telling her that you are not even her real friend. Don't prove him right (in her mind).
I have been in a very verbally abusive relationship before. He never hit me, but he shoved me a few times and I KNEW it could get worse. It took me a long time to leave that relationship and whenever someone tried to pressure me to, it just made me more miserable. I felt more alone. I was the only one who could make the decision to leave. I stayed for MANY reasons and yes, I am not proud that I did but I couldn't just walk out until I was ready to face it. Please tell her she always has a place to stay and your love and friendship. And then let this play out. She'll ge the courage to leave.
PrincessRose
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Re: Need advise about abusive relationship (M)
I just wanted to offer hugs
She IS lucky to have you as a friend. Good luck to both of you.
WeddingsRock
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Re: Need advise about abusive relationship (M)
So now it has become worse. I just heard from my friends H who has threaghtened to 'cut me up and kill me' as I hear her screaming in the background 'Ough,,,,stop you are huritng me' I am going to call the police. and on Monday I am filing for an order of protection....This guy is a LUNATIC
beachgirl13
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Re: Need advise about abusive relationship (M)
I don't know what else to say...
michele31
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Remember if you have an order of protection you cannot go to her home! I HIGHLY suggest you call her parents! If something happens to her and you don't make that call you will never forgive yourself. There is also a point that you cannot force a person to leave their marriage. This is very sad all around. I truly hope she finds the self-esteem and courage to get out of this.
kmcwed
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Re: Need advise about abusive relationship (M)
Cindy
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Re: Need advise about abusive relationship (M)
She has to be the one to want to leave. I havent heard you say that she told you she wants to leave. There is nothing you can do if she wants to stay.
As for an order of protction, I had one against someone about 15 years ago. It was when they were becoming a big deal. Let me tell you, it does NOTHING! It made things worse for me. That piece of paper does not protect you.
Like others have said, I think you need to call a family member of hers such as a parent, sibling, etc. Good luck with it all. !
skew
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Re: Need advise about abusive relationship (M)
you need to sit down w/ her and have a heart to heart. explain that you are very worried and want to protect her. it is then her decision to decide the next step to take. although calling a family member is very thoughtful, it make worsen the situation. being that she grew up in a absuive household, they might turn it around and blame her.
does she have any brothers or sisters? what does your FI say?
WeddingsRock
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It has been a long day. I spoke to my friend this afternoon. She was at her apartment and the H was in the bedroom. She told me that she is calling in sick on Monday to straighten out her life. I am not sure what that means. The H has not called me at all today. She has been my friend for two years but I am exhausted dealing with this crap. My DH offered for her to move in with us and thinks that the H is an idiot. The irony is that my DH is so soft spoken and treats me like a queen that he cannot understand why she would stay. Sometimes I wonder if people like to live like this. Does this sound strange? Well, I am off to bed this Saturday night. I am exhausted. Thank you all for all of your advice. I really appreciate it!
what a wonderful DH you have...to offer your house (it reminds me of Miranda telling Steve to have his mother live with them)
how lucky your friend was to meet you...I hope she can get out...but please be careful too...her H seems a bit off
michele31
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Re: Need advise about abusive relationship (M)
Maybe taking a day off means trying to see a lawyer or move out or just take a breather. I will say, from experience, that there were many reasons I stayed when I should have left. It took me a long time but I did it and then i met Scott- my happy ending
HappyEverAfter
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Re: Need advise about abusive relationship (M)
Just checking in to see if you are OK, this sounds like a tough situation.
I think people stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. I have known many very strong intelligent women who cannot extract themselves from horrible situations, myself included. Looking back, I cannot imagine why I did not leave sooner, but I know that then I felt like I had no options. I was too young, too tied up w. the guy, and too afraid. I had wonderful support from friends & family, which meant a lot. I am sure your friend appreciates your support.
