Quick background: FH's parents divorced when he was 7. His father had full custody of him and his three younger brothers, while his mom had visitation on holidays and summers bc she lives in Massachussets. FH has had a very rocky relationship with his mother. When we got engaged on Christmas Eve FH called her the next day to say Merry xmas and to tell her the news. She finally called back in mid-January to say how happy she was for us and that she would like to pay for our flowers and invitations. FH told her that wasn't necessary, but she insisted. Cut to October and we tell her that we aregoing to need a deposit for the flowers. She proceeds to tell FH that she assumed we wouldn't need the money till after the wedding . Then she told him she wanted to know where she would be seated, that she was not going to be 'shoved in the corner' and she demanded to have her two sisters invited. FH has not seen or spoken to his two aunts since he was 7. He told her that he was not inviting them because we were over our nnumber already and he didnt want strangers at his wedding and that he didn't appreciate her offering to do something for the wedding but then essentially using it as a bargaining chip. She has stopped speaking to FH now and he said yesterday that he doesn't want her at the wedding.
Here's my question- should I try to get in touch with her and try to smooth things over? I am not a fan of this woman but I feel like FH will regret not having his mother at the wedding. Sorry this is sooo long!
SoonToBeMrsSchombs
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Re: Need advise on FMIL
I'm in a somewhat similar situation and I decided to let things be. Let you FH deal with it himself. He's a grown man and if he changes his mind and wants to invite her down the line, then so be it. He also knows there is a chance he'll regret it later on. It's your day, the two of you should be happy and not worry about any drama that you might add by inviting her.
kristin597
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Thank you ladies! You all are pretty much in agreeance about me staying out of it. It just saddens me to see FH not want to invite his mother. I guess its bc I am very close with my mother. I will definetly be taking all of your advise and letting FH handle it himself. Thanks again
Mici n KC
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Re: Need advise on FMIL
Do not get in touch with her. Although you think FH may regret her not being there, this isn't your battle. Just support him. I know it's hard, but it's not your place to do anything.
Cutechef729
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My FMIL is very similar- I mean she isn't holding the money over our head or anything but FH took a long time to trust her and keep her in the loop about his life. I try to balance not getting involved with us getting to know each other. It's hard but I think it needs to come from FH and not you. Good luck!!!
kristin597
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Re: Need advise on FMIL
Posted by Cutechef729
My FMIL is very similar- I mean she isn't holding the money over our head or anything but FH took a long time to trust her and keep her in the loop about his life. I try to balance not getting involved with us getting to know each other. It's hard but I think it needs to come from FH and not you. Good luck!!!
Thanks. This is why, when she originally offered I said no way to FH bc I felt like she would use it as leverage in getting something.
LittlePup34
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i wouldnt invite her if fh doesnt want her there JMO
kristin597
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Posted by JOANNENBRIAN
i wouldnt invite her if fh doesnt want her there JMO
Yea, I would never go behind his back and invite her without him knowing and wanting her invited. I just don't want him to not invite her and then if they ever reconcile him regret not having her there. I'm prob thinking way more about this then he is
FutureMrsCarrieri
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Re: Need advise on FMIL
Posted by kristin597
Posted by LuvMyAlfonse
Posted by kristin597 Here's my question- should I try to get in touch with her and try to smooth things over? I am not a fan of this woman but I feel like FH will regret not having his mother at the wedding. Sorry this is sooo long!
Not your place - don't try to come between FH and his mom - even if your intentions are good.... It will only turn around to bite you. FH might get upset at you for 'meddling'... Best to just let him handle it.
Thanks. I know you are right. I just can't help but think that he will one day regret not having her there. And it is sooo hard for me not to meddle lol.
There's always the flip side -- What if you get her to come and she acts up at the wedding or says something stupid and FH ends up REALLY pissed off?
I say let him deal with it.
deb08
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Re: Need advise on FMIL
so sorry-- i would just let it go for now- wait until almost time for the invites to go out- then talk to fh about just inviting her- dont expect any money for anything until after the wedding- this way what every you all get you can use on what ever to pay off- but that is jmo
DGoldfarb0776
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Re: Need advise on FMIL
I think she planned to get into an altercation like this with FH.. first how could she not know that you would need deposits for what she promised to help out with.. Secondly I think she had it up her sleeve to get her sisters invited to the wedding.. I can't blame your FH for being that way.
I would still however invite her to the wedding and not 'shove her in a corner' so to speak. I would also talk to FH and see what he wants - I think he needs to be the one that talks to her at least at first.
MikeandJess
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Re: Need advise on FMIL
I was in a similar situation, won't go into the details but FH's mom wasn't speaking to him either. Fortunately, he's not as stubborn as she is and he called and smoothed things over. Even if he didn't I would have never intervened. What happens between FH and his mother stays between FH and his mother! I strongly suggest you let it be, try talking to FH to see if he's willing to call her. I think she should be invited, he might regret not having her there some time down the line.
irishgrl1017
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Re: Need advise on FMIL
I would honestly leave it in his court. If they already had a rocky relationship..maybe this was the last straw for him I know when it came to my guest list, I did not invite several Aunts and Uncles who I have not spoken to since I am little. I would much rather have only the people who have been there for the 2 of use during our relationship So...I think I would just let him handle it, and just be there for him
