Need advise on FMIL

Quick background: FH's parents divorced when he was 7. His father had full custody of him and his three younger brothers, while his mom had visitation on holidays and summers bc she lives in Massachussets. FH has had a very rocky relationship with his mother. When we got engaged on Christmas Eve FH called her the next day to say Merry xmas and to tell her the news. She finally called back in mid-January to say how happy she was for us and that she would like to pay for our flowers and invitations. FH told her that wasn't necessary, but she insisted. Cut to October and we tell her that we aregoing to need a deposit for the flowers. She proceeds to tell FH that she assumed we wouldn't need the money till after the wedding . Then she told him she wanted to know where she would be seated, that she was not going to be 'shoved in the corner' and she demanded to have her two sisters invited. FH has not seen or spoken to his two aunts since he was 7. He told her that he was not inviting them because we were over our nnumber already and he didnt want strangers at his wedding and that he didn't appreciate her offering to do something for the wedding but then essentially using it as a bargaining chip. She has stopped speaking to FH now and he said yesterday that he doesn't want her at the wedding.

Here's my question- should I try to get in touch with her and try to smooth things over? I am not a fan of this woman but I feel like FH will regret not having his mother at the wedding. Sorry this is sooo long!

I am so very sorry that his mom is like that. As difficult as it may be, I would invite her. I hope it works out.

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Posted by kristin597
Here's my question- should I try to get in touch with her and try to smooth things over? I am not a fan of this woman but I feel like FH will regret not having his mother at the wedding. Sorry this is sooo long!

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Not your place - don't try to come between FH and his mom - even if your intentions are good.... It will only turn around to bite you. FH might get upset at you for 'meddling'... Best to just let him handle it.

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Posted by jeanyus27

wow, thats a tough one. Maybe give fh a little time to think about it, then talk to him and have him call his mother. It sounds like this woman was never there for him and now she's making demands for HIS wedding! I just don't get family sometimes. I'm going through something sort of similar. Would your fh get mad if you called her?

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Well, she hasn't been answering his or his brothers phone calls for about 1-2 months now. So I was going to write an email, but I dont really know what to say. He gets very aggitated when I bring it up. Honestly, I think he would rather not invite her then invite her and her potentially not show up.

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Posted by kristin597

Quick background: FH's parents divorced when he was 7. His father had full custody of him and his three younger brothers, while his mom had visitation on holidays and summers bc she lives in Massachussets. FH has had a very rocky relationship with his mother. When we got engaged on Christmas Eve FH called her the next day to say Merry xmas and to tell her the news. She finally called back in mid-January to say how happy she was for us and that she would like to pay for our flowers and invitations. FH told her that wasn't necessary, but she insisted. Cut to October and we tell her that we aregoing to need a deposit for the flowers. She proceeds to tell FH that she assumed we wouldn't need the money till after the wedding . Then she told him she wanted to know where she would be seated, that she was not going to be 'shoved in the corner' and she demanded to have her two sisters invited. FH has not seen or spoken to his two aunts since he was 7. He told her that he was not inviting them because we were over our nnumber already and he didnt want strangers at his wedding and that he didn't appreciate her offering to do something for the wedding but then essentially using it as a bargaining chip. She has stopped speaking to FH now and he said yesterday that he doesn't want her at the wedding.

Here's my question- should I try to get in touch with her and try to smooth things over? I am not a fan of this woman but I feel like FH will regret not having his mother at the wedding. Sorry this is sooo long!

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honestly that is like my fmil but she is 100x worse I learned not to get involved... let fh deal with it...

i would be pissed too if I was your FH. I'd give it a little more time and brooch the subject with FH. If there is a chance he'd be upset that you went he FMIL w/o him knowing I wouldn't do it.

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Posted by LuvMyAlfonse

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Posted by kristin597
Here's my question- should I try to get in touch with her and try to smooth things over? I am not a fan of this woman but I feel like FH will regret not having his mother at the wedding. Sorry this is sooo long!

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Not your place - don't try to come between FH and his mom - even if your intentions are good.... It will only turn around to bite you. FH might get upset at you for 'meddling'... Best to just let him handle it.

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Thanks. I know you are right. I just can't help but think that he will one day regret not having her there. And it is sooo hard for me not to meddle lol.

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Posted by jcslady

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Posted by kristin597

Quick background: FH's parents divorced when he was 7. His father had full custody of him and his three younger brothers, while his mom had visitation on holidays and summers bc she lives in Massachussets. FH has had a very rocky relationship with his mother. When we got engaged on Christmas Eve FH called her the next day to say Merry xmas and to tell her the news. She finally called back in mid-January to say how happy she was for us and that she would like to pay for our flowers and invitations. FH told her that wasn't necessary, but she insisted. Cut to October and we tell her that we aregoing to need a deposit for the flowers. She proceeds to tell FH that she assumed we wouldn't need the money till after the wedding . Then she told him she wanted to know where she would be seated, that she was not going to be 'shoved in the corner' and she demanded to have her two sisters invited. FH has not seen or spoken to his two aunts since he was 7. He told her that he was not inviting them because we were over our nnumber already and he didnt want strangers at his wedding and that he didn't appreciate her offering to do something for the wedding but then essentially using it as a bargaining chip. She has stopped speaking to FH now and he said yesterday that he doesn't want her at the wedding.

Here's my question- should I try to get in touch with her and try to smooth things over? I am not a fan of this woman but I feel like FH will regret not having his mother at the wedding. Sorry this is sooo long!

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honestly that is like my fmil but she is 100x worse I learned not to get involved... let fh deal with it...

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Thanks . What is it with these monster-in-laws?? lol.

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Posted by kristin597

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Posted by jeanyus27

wow, thats a tough one. Maybe give fh a little time to think about it, then talk to him and have him call his mother. It sounds like this woman was never there for him and now she's making demands for HIS wedding! I just don't get family sometimes. I'm going through something sort of similar. Would your fh get mad if you called her?

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Well, she hasn't been answering his or his brothers phone calls for about 1-2 months now. So I was going to write an email, but I dont really know what to say. He gets very aggitated when I bring it up. Honestly, I think he would rather not invite her then invite her and her potentially not show up.

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my honest opinion is that i think your fh should not include her on any of the decisions for the wedding. It seems like she's not giving you the money up front whether her sisters are invited or not, so i wouldn't take anything from her. But i would send her an invite and leave it up to her whether she goes and supports her son. All he can do is extend the invitation. And if she doesn't show up, then he needs to know that its not his fault and she'll have to live with it. But if he really feels like she shouldn't be invited at all, then i would just accept his decision. Sorry you have to go through this

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Posted by LuvMyAlfonse

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Posted by kristin597
Here's my question- should I try to get in touch with her and try to smooth things over? I am not a fan of this woman but I feel like FH will regret not having his mother at the wedding. Sorry this is sooo long!

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Not your place - don't try to come between FH and his mom - even if your intentions are good.... It will only turn around to bite you. FH might get upset at you for 'meddling'... Best to just let him handle it.

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I agree... if you feel so strongly about the issue than maybe you can ask FH's dad to speak to his mother... but otherwise, this isn't your battle to fight.

Wow. That's a real tough one. I agree with LuvMyAlphonse - it's really not your place. I agree that he may regret not having her there, but that's his decision to make, and if their relationship has been this way for so long, what's to say it's going to change ever? If it doesn't, he probably won't regret not having her there - you usually don't regret not inviting people you are never close to. See what I mean? But as he gets older, and maybe has a family, he may want to be closer - and his mom, I would hope, would want to be a part of his life. Does she know he doesn't want her there? I can't imagine any mother not wanting to even be present as his son's wedding.

So - all that said - give it time is my best advice. Let it smooth itself out. Pay for the invitations and flowers yourself if you can, don't ask again. You have time - maybe broach the subject with FH in about 2 months, when he's had time to think about it some. Or write him a letter and tell him you just don't want him regretting not inviting her later. (I find letters to be a great way to talk to someone who may not necessarily want to talk to you about something ... )

Good luck!

Honestly - I would stay out of it. Its between FH & his mother.

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Posted by carolinebr

Honestly - I would stay out of it. Its between FH & his mother.

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i agree. u dont want your FH to get upset with u about this. if he wants to he has to work this out on his own.

This is a tough situations...I felel bad for your FH!

I would not contact her or in any ways try to smooth it over. Let him handle it if he chooses to. I would only send her an invitation as a courtesy. It puts the ball in her court whether or no she will show up. Either way I think your FH will expect the worse from her.

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Posted by carolinebr

Honestly - I would stay out of it. Its between FH & his mother.

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ditto.

One last reach would be to send her an invite, ONLY if your FH agrees to it.
If she decides to attend that would be great, but if she declines then it becomes her loss at seeing one of her sons get married.

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Posted by carolinebr

Honestly - I would stay out of it. Its between FH & his mother.

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Definitely...I agree

i'm sorry you guys are dealing w that...it's a shame that his mother is like that.

i would definitely not try to get in the middle. your intentions are very good but you don't want to upset him more. i would talk to him about it. good luck, i'm sure it will work out for the best.