Need help.....FH is freaking out - UPDATED

FH's Bro and SIL are separating. They decided last week, on their 8 year anniversary, that they made a mistake. He's moved out, they have a 5 year old and a 5 month old.

Last night FH woke me up in the middle of the night asking if I was sure he was the one and how did we know things would work out.

I tried to reassure him that the things that they are separating over are not issues for us - overall we have a very healthy relationship. He agreed and seemed content, but this morning he seems right back where he was.

Apparently, at dinner last night and again this morning, his brother told FH that ALL marriage is a mistake and that he should think long and hard about whether he really wants to be with me. Thereby causing doubt in FH's head.

His Bro is staying with us since it's around the corner from his house and he can still see the kids. AND he's our Best Man. Our wedding is in 48 days and I'm stressed out as it is - to add this to the mix is putting me over the edge.

I want to help support his Bro through this hard time, but I can't keep putting FH back together again after he talks to him. Do I ask the Bro to be more aware of what he is saying and the effect it is having on FH? Do I ask him to leave the house?

I know FH wants to marry me and be together but I'm afraid these seeds of doubt are going to start taking root because his bro is being so constant in highlighting the negative aspects of marriage.

I have no where else to turn. I can't tell my family or friends, because the separation is a secret right now for the kid's sake (they think daddy is away on business).

I'll welcome any advice or even just hugs. I'm so upset and stressed.

If it keeps up I would definately speak to your BIL.. and justy let him know that you and your FH want to give marriage a shot, and a damn good one at that, and to ease up... Suggest a counsellor for him and/ or his wife... Do anything to get him off you DH's back with out stepping on your FH's toes...

Most importantly, try to spend time with FH AWAY from your own home, and your BIL... go to the park for a picnic for dinner, to spend 'YOU' time together and remind him of all the reasons you two loveeach other and are meant to be together!!

Good Luck!

I don't know what to say - but want to send you some hugs.

This is a tough one.. And probably the last thing you need right now. I would sit down with FH and remind him why you decided to get married in the first place and try your best to reassure him. I would also talk to FBIL. This is rather selfish of him to be doing so close too your special day. Even if it did wind up to be a mistake (which I am sure it will not) it is your mistake to make.

Shame on your FBIL!!! Trying to project his feelings onto your FH. Yes, I understand that he is hurting right now, but that is not the proper way to deal with his feelings.

I would definitely say something. He is being very inappropriate.

OMG Lauren .. I feel so badly that you are going thru this. First of all, let me give you these

As you said, being this close to your wedding is stressful enough .. you certainly don't need this added worrying about your FBIL putting crazy thoughts into your FH's head. Of course you and FH feel badly for what your FBIL is going thru .. separation/divorce is never an easy thing to witness amongst your loved ones. But really, if your FBIL cared at ALL about his brother (your FH), he would GROW UP and just refrain from all the 'marriage sucks' talk. Not only is it unfair to your FH, it is TOTALLY unfair to you!

I think all us are realistic and go into marriage with our eyes wide open. ANd when you see someone close to you have a marraige that fails, it is normal to question your own relationship for a moment. What your FBIL is doing, though, is hurtful. I am so mad at him on your behalf

You both are being nice enough to let your FBIL stay with you guys during his separation. The least he can do is keep his mouth shut when it comes to YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Let him talk about his relationship all your want .. but stay out of yours!! Sure he is going to be 'down' on marriage right now , and sure he needs to talk about it with his brother... but this is a situation that needs to get nipped in the bud before it gets worse and worse and puts a wedge in between you and your FH

If your FH won't talk to his brother and tell him to refrain from these types of converations, I think you need to do so.

Again I am sorry you have to deal with this with your wedding coming up shortly.... FM me if you need to talk

ok, first of all, everybody's relationship is different. You FBIL is mad at the world b/c his marriage didn't work out, and i think that the last person he should be talking to is your FH.
But like you said, you know he wants to marry you and be with you for the rest of your lives, and that's how it is.
Don't put more stress on you right now, you are almost there

Right after I got engged a stupid ( now former) coworker who didn't know I was engaged was complaining about her husband & saying how no one should get married. She was trying to save money to leave him.

Other coworkers of mine felt so awful, even 1 guy who was divorced & remarried kept telling me how marriage is great & not to listen to her.

I hate when other people try to brign you down just because they are suffering.

You & FH should talk to your priest/minister about this beforethe wedding.

Thanks girls, I appreciate the hugs and advice.

I think I'll talk to FH tonight and see if he's willing to talk to his brother with me. That way all three of us are together on this.

I'm afraid that if I try to talk to FBIL without FH, FBIL will think that I'm trying to sabotage their relationship or force FH and therefore escalate the whole thing.

This just sucks!!

I would sit down with BIL and explain that while you are very sympathetic and understanding to his ordeal, that you don't appreciate his comments to your FH about how marriage in general is wrong or a mistake. I mean that's a pretty general statement to make based on his failed marriage. Maybe there is a high rate of divorce but there *are* people that have healthy relationships and do stay married.

I think your FH is just freaking out a bit and will realize that what your brother in law is gong through is not something you and he will go through but if he keeps it up it will strain your relationship because you will have to keep proving yourself to him. But I don't think it will get to that stage if FH realizes your relationship is not doomed to fail like his bro's.

I had something similar happen to me. FI and I have been together a long time- like 8 years. His brother had been dating a girl for about 3 years, and they had talked about getting married, moving in together, the whole nine. To everyone, they seemed like this perfect couple. Then, one day he just dumped her. It was out of nowhere to her, but not to him. He wasn't cheating, but just realized that he didn't love her.

Mind you, the brother is my FI's twin brother, so they're very close. Now, because we all thought that they were this 'perfect' couple, it freaked us all out that they broke up- ESPECIALLY my FI- who did the same thing that your FI is doing- questioning us- 'If it could happen to them, then I'm scared that it could happen to us', etc.

I will tell you that ultimately, it all worked out ok, but it was hard because I was constantly telling him 'But THEY'RE NOT US'. And it was weird for a little while.

Talk to both of them, and really get it through your FI's head that YOU'RE NOT THEM! I know that it's hard, I've been there. But, if you can really talk to them and get them to listen it will help.

Good luck!!

Well, after another long night, I talked to FH and he had a talk with his brother who decided to stay in his Poconos place for a little while.

I must say, while I want to be there for him, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders.

We had a really nice night last night and woke up happy this morning. No little black rain cloud hovering over the breakfast table.

Thanks for the advice girls!!

I am so glad to hear things are better today, Lauren. I'm sure its a relief to be able to move past that and have your FBIL out of the house as your wedding draws closer.

Glad it all worked out!