Need some advice...

I haven't wanted to post about this but I need to let my feelings out. And my stomach is in knots. I haven't been in the wedding planning mood lately.

One of the reasons we decided to have to our wedding so soon ( planned in 7 months) is because FH mom has lung cancer with an inoperable tumor. She was diagnosed last Sept. And was doing well after her radiation and chemo. BUt in the last few weeks she has been getting pretty bad. Water around the lung, then water around the heart, which after being drained we have found out that the fluid has cancer cells (meaning the cancer is spreading). Blood clots in her lungs. And pneumonia to top it off. SHe has been in the hospital now for 1 month. And everyday is different. Some up, some down. But she is on percocet and she is very loopy now. She has kind of given up and just wants to die. With all the complications she is having and being so weak from not eating in 3 weeks and all her medications, we are really worried. WE are setting up hospice to come to the house if she regains enough strength to go home from the hospital. I don't want to think negative but there is a very high chance that she will not make it another month.

FH and I have talked a lot about what to do about our wedding. He feels that if his mom does not make it to the wedding ( which is in 36 days) SHe would want us to go on with the plans. I don't know if I can do this. It just seems like a big heavy cloud would be over the day. My mom died 11 years ago from cancer and since I have been with FH his mom has been the most wonderful FMIL I could ask for.
So my question is even though FH says she would want us to go on with the wedding..Should we?
Sorry to be a bummer ladies. But maybe someone can shed some bright lights on my mood.

That is very difficult.

if your FH says you should go on, I would probably go with it.

Good luck

I am so sorry that you and FI are going through this. I would say that as long as FI thinks that you should go on and you are able to as well I would go on with it. Its such a tough situation but I'm pretty sure his mom wouldn't want you to postpone (has she ever mentioned anything like that). It will be hard to have what is meant to be such a happy day, following a period of such sadness..I would probably continue on as scheduled, but I am not in that situation and you know what is best for you.

I think it is entirely up to you and your FH - but then again I understand how sad you are and how your wedding day is meant to be a happy day and if you do go on as planned and she should pass, that there will be heavy hearts not only for you - but for your family and people attending the wedding, and int he future when you remember you wedding day - it will be hand in hand with sorrow, but but - if you postpone - what is it that you are really doing? Are you postponing until she passes? Are you postponing until she gets better? Will she? How long will you wait and does that make anything better or worse? If I were in your shoes - I would be just as torn, but in reality your wedding is a blessing - it is a time for new beginings - it is a confirmation that her son will be loved and taken care of by YOU - that is what the wedding is about, it is really not about a party, but about two people starting alife together..

so if you and your FH still want to begin your life together - go on withthe wedding - just tone it down a bit - and if she should pass before then, then honor her.

hope that helps - chin up bride to be - be strong.

I am so sorry to hear about your FMIL. It is so very hard having a parent endure a serious illness. My FH's father passed away due to cancer just under a year ago, so I sort of know how you're feeling.

I wanted to share something that some friends of ours did two years ago. The groom's brother had cancer, and so the groom and his bride planned their wedding quickly so that the brother could be there. About one month before the wedding was to take place, doctors revealed that the groom's brother may not make it another month. The bride and groom decided to continue with the wedding date as planned, but they brought a justice of the peace into the house to marry them in front of the groom's brother so that the brother could be a witness to the marriage. Perhaps this is something that you and your FH could consider doing for your FMIL?

Whatever you choose, be strong. Remember that we are all here to listen.

I'm so sorry. I do know of someone (a friend of FH's aunt) who had a similar situation, and they had a private ceremony in the hospital room for the father. Only a few people present, and in plain clothes. They figured it would mean so much to him. You could do that, and then go on to have your planned wedding as well. I am sure if you are getting married in a church that they would understand given your circumstances. But I think you would have to notify them about it. Good luck with everything, and again, I'm really sorry that you are going through this.

Both of my parents died in 1996 and although it was a long time ago, their presence at my wedding was still missed. If she passes away before your date, delaying the wedding might make it a little easier, but you are going to miss having her there regardless.

If your FH wants to go ahead with the wedding to honor his mom's wishes, then I think that is a good idea. Also, with all of the sadness your family has now, it might be good to have a reason to celebrate.

please dont take this the wrong way...but in her current condition, even if she survives to your wedding date...she probably wont be able to come to the wedding.

If she does pass then she will be able to see her son say 'I do'....she watch over you both that day and everyday of your lives.

If your FH wants to go through with it, then I think you should.

I know that this isn't easy for anyone...God Bless your FMIL and your family

I don't really have any advice, just

but if Fh's mom really does pass away before the wedding date, is any day EVER going to feel 'right', even if you do postpone? You're still going to have to ahve the wedding without her. It may be best to follow her wishes and try to focus on all of the joy of the day and how happy it makes her that you two are getting married and how she would have loved to ahve been there and will be with you in spirit no matter what!

I would. I would think FHs mom would want you to. I am so very sorry you are in this situation. and

Before my cousins wedding last summer we lost my gradfather, our aunt and then her grandfather 3 wks before her wedding- all unexpected!! It was hard to say the least but none of them would have wanted her to not get married and finally have a nice day.

I think you must absolutely get married. You need to celebrate that you and your FI have found one another and it is bc of her wonderful way of raising him and loving you both, that you have decided to make a family of your own. Will it be hard?? YES!! But do something in her honor. And it all depends upon when and if she passes. If its days before, then you will prob need to rearrange things, but you need to (unfortunatley) see where things go.

Good luck!! Im so sorry you are experiencing something so sad during your happy time.

I can sympathize with you because my mom recently died from Lung cancer, although it was after my wedding. Everything you described happening to your FMIL are things my mother went through and it is so hard to watch! You feel so helpless. For us though, my mom was diagnosed 4 weeks after my wedding and died about a week and a half after my 4 month anniversary so it was much quicker process.
Anyway with all that as background, I personally would not have gone through with my wedding without my mom there! I would have had a much smaller affair with just my immediate family. But that is because for me my mom was my best friend and I wouldnt have wanted to have all the hoopla without her there, although I do know she would have wanted us to have the wedding.
A friend of mine however lost her mom to cancer 5 weeks before her wedding and still had a big affair because that is what she felt she should do and she says her wedding was such a great event because although it was sad without her mom it was a celebration of life and all her mom accomplished (her) and left behind. She wouldnt have had it any other way.
Personally I think in your shoes I would let my FH make the decision. Its his mom and only he can tell whether he will be up for it or will want to have a big wedding. I wouldnt push the subject now, I would let him make peace with what is happening to his mom and pray for the best! Its going to be a tough few days, weeks, months etc.
Another thought, get married now, have his mom present. Whether its in her hospital chapel or whatever! This way she is there and then no matter what happens there will be no regrets! My uncle was very sick when my cousin was gettign married and they kept pushing off the wedding to focus on him. He did before his son got married. When his brother got engaged his mom was diagnosed with cancer. He pushed up his wedding so that his mom could be there! It was a small affair, his mom was released from the hospital for jsut long enough to attend the ceremony and died shortly after! It was more important to them to have her there.
Good Luck and if you ever need to chat please feel free to FM me!

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Posted by dleeny

That is very difficult.

if your FH says you should go on, I would probably go with it.

Good luck

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I agree. If your FI is willing to go on with it then I would.

you have fm

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Posted by mastiffmom

I really empathize with your situation, I have a great deal of 'outsider' experience in these situations. I am an oncology nurse, and unfortunately I have seen couples in this situation before. Six months ago we weren't able to get one of our patients home with hospice, so we had the wedding in our conference room (just the immediate family). In the event that your FH's mom does go home- maybe you can have a little ceremony with the immediate family and (if you both weren't opposed) you could be married there so she can be a part of the day. Then have the wedding 36 days from now in celebration. Either way, this is a very difficult time for you both and I am sorry you are going through this.

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That's what I was going to suggest, having a small ceremony now with her, and immediate family, just in case she doesn't make it.

My family would want me to go on with the wedding-we are a big Irish clan, and we generally have huge 'parties' when we mourn-to celebrate that person and be together.....

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Posted by dleeny

That is very difficult.

if your FH says you should go on, I would probably go with it.

Good luck

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I agree! it's alot to deal with, but I am sure most moms would want you to go on with it!