need some advice

Hi girls, Im a regular poster but under a fake name because i need some advice. Has anyone ever had second thoughts or cold feet before? All of a sudden recently Im starting to freak out, like what if he isnt the right one? I love my FH more than anything but hes not the affectionate/ romantic type at all. we've been together for a very long time so ive gotten used to this to a point but it still causes a lot of fights. It kills me when we go to bed (we live together and have been for a few years) and he just turns around and falls asleep, and just doesnt cuddle or touch me or anything. and for some reason now its just really getting to me and im getting worried that maybe hes not the right one for me

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Posted by underafakename

Hi girls, Im a regular poster but under a fake name because i need some advice. Has anyone ever had second thoughts or cold feet before? All of a sudden recently Im starting to freak out, like what if he isnt the right one? I love my FH more than anything but hes not the affectionate/ romantic type at all. we've been together for a very long time so ive gotten used to this to a point but it still causes a lot of fights. It kills me when we go to bed (we live together and have been for a few years) and he just turns around and falls asleep, and just doesnt cuddle or touch me or anything. and for some reason now its just really getting to me and im getting worried that maybe hes not the right one for me

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Have you talked to him about it? maybe he's not even aware it bothers you. Me and fh had similiar problems with romance..but after i talked to him..its gotten alot better..good luck

First - everyone gets cold feet in some form - but it seems to me you have really taken some time to think this through and really express to yourself what you need and value, and what is lacking and what is really there. I am so sorry you are hurting right now

Have you talked to anyone about this? maybe a priest or a reverend or someone else? Have you spoken to FH - Maybe he doesnt even REALIZE his actions or behaviors.

If you spoke to him about it what about some premarital couples counseling or therapy?

i agree talk to him and tell him how you feel.... maybe he doesnt realize he is doing it...
Good luck hope it works out

Wow. I am so sorry you are feeling like this If its really bothering you, which obviously it is you need to speak with him about it!!!!! I am a firm believer that change is possible when it comes to people's interactions with each other. Habits can be changed and hopefully he can learn to give the affection you crave and you in turn can accept how he is able to give it. Professional counseling may also be a good idea. I wish you the best of luck and hope these feelings end in positive resolution
Much love,
Meg

Sounds like me and my fh. We have lived together for 4 years and I guess you can say the honeymoon stage is over.

It used to really bother me but in all honesty, he is the best man I know, and although he is not a die hard romantic he does show his love in other ways.

Sometimes you have to realize that people show their affection differently. My fh never grew up in an affectionate home so this is all he knows and I do not think its fai to punish him for it.

You have to decide if this is something you can live with or if it is too much for you. I got to the point where I had to make the decision and now that I have things have been a lot better b/c I do not expect those things and every once in a while he does or says something that shocks me and it reminds me just how great he is.
Good luck to you

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Posted by jteach711



Sometimes you have to realize that people show their affection differently. My fh never grew up in an affectionate home so this is all he knows and I do not think its fai to punish him for it.

I got to the point where I had to make the decision and now that I have things have been a lot better b/c I do not expect those things and every once in a while he does or says something that shocks me and it reminds me just how great he is.

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That is so true!

Has he always been like this or is the change sudden? EVeryone has the lovey dovey stage and then you get down to who the person really is - and thats true for both sides.

I used to expect things from FH and we would fight all the time - bc hes not that person and I knew that going into my relationship with him and he made that clear. I had to make a decision and not push him for things - and everyonce and a while he surprises me.

Think truely about who he is as a person. With all the wedding talk and the hype and excitment leading up to it- do u want him to be more affectionate? I expected that of FH and he just wanted me to shut up for 5 minutes. - you kno? I cant make him do that and it made things worse. I love him more than anything and would have him if he did to me what i was doing to him.

Or have you grown apart?

My heart goes out to you. But i do suggest talking with someone - like a counselor and maybe doing a joint session or 2.

you need to talk to fh about it. He might not even know you feel this way towards him, well actually he probably has no clue. Some guys when they get comfortable feel they dont need to do this bc you know how they feel. Let him know and also initiate too, dont be afraid to do so because relationships are a two way street so the affection should come from both sides. When you talk to him dont attack but just sit down with him and tell him how you would like things for be.

good luck and i am sorry you are going through this

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Posted by jteach711


You have to decide if this is something you can live with or if it is too much for you. I got to the point where I had to make the decision and now that I have things have been a lot better b/c I do not expect those things and every once in a while he does or says something that shocks me and it reminds me just how great he is.
Good luck to you

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I couldnt have said this better, actually it was almost exactly what i planned on posting

he is not going to change, so you have to make a decision to change yourself in a way and make a choice to not let it bother you

its not easy, good luck!!

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Posted by madseason

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Posted by jteach711



Sometimes you have to realize that people show their affection differently. My fh never grew up in an affectionate home so this is all he knows and I do not think its fai to punish him for it.

I got to the point where I had to make the decision and now that I have things have been a lot better b/c I do not expect those things and every once in a while he does or says something that shocks me and it reminds me just how great he is.

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That is so true!

Has he always been like this or is the change sudden? EVeryone has the lovey dovey stage and then you get down to who the person really is - and thats true for both sides.

I used to expect things from FH and we would fight all the time - bc hes not that person and I knew that going into my relationship with him and he made that clear. I had to make a decision and not push him for things - and everyonce and a while he surprises me.

Think truely about who he is as a person. With all the wedding talk and the hype and excitment leading up to it- do u want him to be more affectionate? I expected that of FH and he just wanted me to shut up for 5 minutes. - you kno? I cant make him do that and it made things worse. I love him more than anything and would have him if he did to me what i was doing to him.

Or have you grown apart?

My heart goes out to you. But i do suggest talking with someone - like a counselor and maybe doing a joint session or 2.

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good point, if he was never like that then its not something that you can expect him to do after all these years just out of nowhere. You still fell in love with him and decided to spend your life with him despite that, thats if he has never been like that.

I think a lot of people go through this. Marriage is a scary thing for many people. I think sometimes when you live with someone for so long it really does feel differently then when a couple moves in together shortly before the wedding. I think both situations have its good and bad points like everything else. While you are dealing with this type of situation a lot of people are dealing with the living together for the first time situation. Fh and I have lived together for awhile now and yes there is a difference in our relationship from when we first lived together, but I look at it as a good thing. We are on a completely different level now then we were before. I really do think that you should talk to FH about this. He may not even realize how you are feeling. I am sorry that you are feeling like this. I hope things get better.

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Posted by ant n tilde

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Posted by jteach711


You have to decide if this is something you can live with or if it is too much for you. I got to the point where I had to make the decision and now that I have things have been a lot better b/c I do not expect those things and every once in a while he does or says something that shocks me and it reminds me just how great he is.
Good luck to you

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I couldnt have said this better, actually it was almost exactly what i planned on posting

he is not going to change, so you have to make a decision to change yourself in a way and make a choice to not let it bother you

its not easy, good luck!!

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agreed

if he has always been like this then i say you have a decision to make... if you can accept him for the way he is and accept that you wont be getting the affection you would like than i say stay (obviously you fell in love with him that way), but if you cant handle not getting that affection from him the you need to reevaluate and possibly move on

if he WAS once affectionate and has now changed.. then you really need to have a discussion and possibly try counceling. Not knowing when your wedding date is you may want to wait on tying thknot

mine is not romantic; he is affectionate though and i can't imagine what it would be like to go to sleep like that. it does lessen over time though and things just change.... he used to say really sweet things all the time but obviously as time goes on he shouldn't have to tell me I'm beautiful all the time (according to him); so now when he does I appreciate it because I know he thinks that I should already know that, but we still need to hear it sometimes.

i would talk to him. I have talked to fh about how he seems disinterested in anything wedding related or doesn't talk about what it will be like once we move in together etc. but he is just such a guy and is like well why do we have to talk about it if since we will be living it in a couple of months. that said, when I tell him that something is bugging me he does make more of an effort. Sometimes they just need a kick in the pants.

thanks girls, i have talked to fh about it and he'll get better for a few days and then back to the old stuff. Just the other day I did and his response was basically 'what are u trying to start a fight because we havent fought in awhile?' his excuse for not cuddling or anything is because hes just not comfortable (im not forcing him to cuddle all night long, just maybe when we first go to bed- basically anything besides just turning around and going to sleep)

I dont know, I feel like he wont change because even when he trys it only lasts for a little while. do u girls feel like this is important in a relationship? affection?

I mean I love so many things about him but this really gets to me, and im just recently freaking out that this will just become a bigger problem once we are married. bc of me not really getting affection, i feel like certain times i start just not caring that hes not touching me or when hes in the mood for sex or whatever im not in the mood because i just dont want it, since he never shows me any affection


i guess ill have to have a convo with him and tell him seriously how much its bothering me and that its just not something he can brush away as just another fight

he has always been like this, and ive always tried to get him to become more affectionate. i guess in a way ill have to make a decision like you girls said on whether i can always live with this, or if it'll make us grow further apart.

i feel so bad for you. I cant really imagine how you must feel.

it seems like this is something that is really bothering you and something you cant handle. is it as extreme as it sounds? is he EVER affectionate, does he ever say I love you or you look nice etc..? I know that sometimes i get so comfortable and used to US that i forget to do all the sweet stuff, but then i get out of that mode and realize that I have to make an effort. Even though im feeling it,its easy to forget you have to show it

i would really tell him how this makes you feel and suggest couples counceling.

Listen, my fh and I don't even go to sleep together. He goes to work a lot later than me so I go to bed hours before him. We have come to accept this and every so often I feel like we are just going through the motions but really, that is what life is, its not always roses and hugs, reality sets in and you want the man who will be by your side through the ups and downs and the one you can truust no matter what and the one that is your best friend

To answer your question, yes, I think affection is imortant, but in my relationship it is not one of the MOST important factors.

Some people could never be happy if they were in my relationship and it would be perfect for others, so whats right for YOU?

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Posted by underafakename

thanks girls, i have talked to fh about it and he'll get better for a few days and then back to the old stuff. Just the other day I did and his response was basically 'what are u trying to start a fight because we havent fought in awhile?' his excuse for not cuddling or anything is because hes just not comfortable (im not forcing him to cuddle all night long, just maybe when we first go to bed- basically anything besides just turning around and going to sleep)

I dont know, I feel like he wont change because even when he trys it only lasts for a little while. do u girls feel like this is important in a relationship? affection?

I mean I love so many things about him but this really gets to me, and im just recently freaking out that this will just become a bigger problem once we are married. bc of me not really getting affection, i feel like certain times i start just not caring that hes not touching me or when hes in the mood for sex or whatever im not in the mood because i just dont want it, since he never shows me any affection


i guess ill have to have a convo with him and tell him seriously how much its bothering me and that its just not something he can brush away as just another fight

he has always been like this, and ive always tried to get him to become more affectionate. i guess in a way ill have to make a decision like you girls said on whether i can always live with this, or if it'll make us grow further apart.

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well the fact that he'll do it shows alot, and i understand he'll do it and then stop but if he is not a guy who is normally like this and its to be expected that it is not an everyday thing. I mean even romantic and affectionate guys aren't like that 24/7. Like i said above, do you initiate, i know you say you want him to cuddle for a little bit before going to bed but do you go to him and start cuddling with him? i dont think it should always be the guy. Also do things to get out of your routine, alot of couples fall into a routine and its everyday the same thing, come home from work do whatever it is that you do, eat dinner and so on, and weekends always the same. A little bit of spontaniety might help. Get all dolled up and go out to a nice dinner and drinks just the two of you and be the way you were when you two first met. Lately with the wedding and everything Fh and i just had this same routine and not that it was bad but it just felt like one, and we went out to eat one night and had a great night and it was real nice to break the routine and it was spontaneous too. One thing i hate is to go out right after work, i always need to go home and shower and change, one day he met me in the city we had to get something and he was like well i know you want to go home so i guess we'll do that, i doubt you want to go out now to eat, and i said yeah lets just go. It felt great

But you have to think if this is the ONLY issue, bc when he proposed you said yes, you've been togeether for 4 years and live together so for now these thoughts to come into play and have cold feet maybe its the whole relationship you are questioning. Not sure if its the case bc i dont know you at all, but think if that is the onlypart that is bothering you and if so then find ways to work on it and also come to terms that it wont be an everyday thing. All relationships change from one stage to another