Brides Helping Brides ™ - Need some honest advice..

B2B 2009 Posted: Dec 20, 2008 11:40 PM

Need some honest advice..

So although it's a year away.. me and FH talked about how we are going to spend the holidays next year.. currently we go with his parents to a friends' house on christmas eve.. christmas day we spend separate then he comes over here for dessert & new years we spend the whole time with his family.. I feel tnext year hat Christmas day we should spend with my family since we are with his parents on christmas eve and his whole family on new years eve .. he thinks we should spend 1/2 the day at each families' house (we don't live far from one another) because new year's eve is not tradition for my family so we wouldn't come here anyway & christmas eve is only with his parents.. I don't think this is fair at all and we continue to argue about it... I just feel like I'm giving up my time to be with his family and I'm not getting any reciprocation in return.. And I also think after a few years going back and forth or once we have kids its going to get tiresome... his answer to that is we'll worry about that in the future

Update: Thanks girls!! your advice and support has been awesome!! At the moment, we are settled on splitting 1/2 and 1/2 time with each family on christmas eve and christmas day! But we both agreed to discuss it further next year and if we can't come up with a better solution that'll be it! FH is a fair guy so splitting it evenly was always important but we both have a hard time giving up our family time.. I guess next year we will see what unfolds but at least we have a preliminary plan at this point and its been discussed.. Thanks again girls

GT143EA Posted: Dec 20, 2008 11:42 PM

Re: Need some honest advice..

I agree with you! But if hes gonna complain maybe you could go to his parents christmas day for desert. and maybe alternate new years.

gina409 Posted: Dec 20, 2008 11:45 PM

Re: Need some honest advice..

first off im so sorry u r going through this..in my honest opinon u r right i think u should go by one house each day.i mean if all these yrs u went by him on the eve and then he came by after on the day then i think u should get the whole day next yr.i mean if the days r a big deal then maybe u can alternate like u go by eve this year then day next year.hth and goodluck

coldasice217 Posted: Dec 20, 2008 11:45 PM

Re: Need some honest advice..

First off, I just want to say that I am exactly in your position, so I completely understand your frustration. I am always expected to drop everything and spend all holidays with FH's family, and my own family has maybe 3 get togethers a year and he fights it tooth and nail.

Honestly the best answer is to alternate years...one year just ur family's house, next just his...but if you're anything like me and you don't know how to pick your battles, I would put your foot down, say enough is enough, and that you're spending it with your family. If he wants to come, he'll know where to find you.

MrsKtoBe Posted: Dec 20, 2008 11:47 PM

Re: Need some honest advice..

I think everyone is right about it being unfair. What if you have Christmas next year? Just invite the whole gang and avoid the argument altogether.

xosweetiexo Posted: Dec 20, 2008 11:51 PM

Re: Need some honest advice..

Yea, I would be annoyed too. Thanksgiving, we normally spend it with my family and then Christmas Eve my family.... Christmas Day normally his family and New Years normally nothing. But for other holidays, we normally do things with his family... Easter, etc..... I dont think its fair that you have to do 1/2 the time with ur family and then he gets the whole day with them. If he is going to tell you only 1/2 the time christmas eve, then it should be 1/2 the time on christmas day with his family. He needs to compromise b/c thats not fair!!! No, you cant worry about it later, b/c its still going to be a major issue. It needs to be talked about soon.... he just doesnt want to deal with it right now.

jennaandguy09 Posted: Dec 20, 2008 11:52 PM

Re: Need some honest advice..

Okay this is a tough one, to be perfectly honest, you need to have equal time with your families, and if you're spending christmas eve with FH's family, then it's only fair to be with your family on christmas day. explain to him that since you have the opportunity to be with his family christmas eve then christmas day should be time spent with your family especially because you spend new years with them also. It's not easy to split holidays and its something that FH and I have had issues with and this is our 11th christmas together. Good luck and I hope it works out!

MLAngelo Posted: Dec 21, 2008 12:01 AM

Re: Need some honest advice..

I wish I could give you some advice but being I was crying today over this year's Christmas plans and looking into the future, I am probably not in the position to help you.

B2B 2009 Posted: Dec 21, 2008 12:18 AM

Re: Need some honest advice..

Thanks girls!! I think it's going to definately continue to be an arguement and I SO appreciate your support!! Talking to FH some more he says he is willing to travel back and forth and basically spend all holidays 1/2 and 1/2 which I think is absolutely crazy and will only work for short term.. I guess it's something that's going to take some time to resolve good luck to all of you in the same boat

MrsBtobe2009 Posted: Dec 21, 2008 12:21 AM

Re: Need some honest advice..

I hate the holidays for this reason. I was always bounced around every holiday cause my parents were divorced, so it has always been crazy. Now with FH family, it adds 2 more families to consider. What we do is one year we go for Thanksgiving to one family and the following year we go with the other family. Christmas Eve we go with one family and Christmas day the other. Then the following year we switch. This way we try to balance it out. We are still running around but not as crazy as we would if we tried to see everyone everyday. I would try to rotate it between families and I know it su**s because some days you wont see your family, but it is the most fair way to do so at least for us.

Dani777 Posted: Dec 21, 2008 02:32 AM

Re: Need some honest advice..

I'm in the same boat... He has a HUGE family... he celebrates with his Dad's side on Christmas Eve, and then on Christmas day it's with his Mom's side. We spend the full two days together...but it always feel like we just 'squeeze' my family in at the end of Christmas day... It's only my sisters and their kids...
So, starting this year, I hope... we will do HIS family ONE day, and Mine the other...then rotate. B/c honestly, once we have kids, we can't just luge them all over the island to see everyone...it's just becoming too much...
Def. talk it out with FH.

Utterhappiness Posted: Dec 21, 2008 08:54 AM

Re: Need some honest advice..

I honestly agree with you fully! I think you should lay it all out to FH and explain exactly what you said to us... be honest and heart felt! This is about compromising and it doesnt seem like FH is willing to do that in this situation. Its not fair to you!

Celeste617 Posted: Dec 21, 2008 09:22 AM

Re: Need some honest advice..

Posted by MrsKtoBe

I think everyone is right about it being unfair. What if you have Christmas next year? Just invite the whole gang and avoid the argument altogether.

I was going to suggest the same thing. We are hosting Christmas this year but luckily for us, FH's family has a tendency to spread themselves out all over the place (NH, Ireland). So it's mostly just my family. But otherwise, what we do for some holidays is be with my family for the earlier part of the day (since we tend to eat early) and then hit his mom's. It's been working fine for about 10 years now...give it a shot if possible! Good luck!

VickiR510 Posted: Dec 21, 2008 09:32 AM

Re: Need some honest advice..

FH & I do Xmas eve with fh's entire family at his Aunt & Uncles home & then early morn xmas day we go to his parents to exchange our gifts. We stay for about 2 or 3 hrs (which means we leave his parent house around noon) & then we are at my family for the rest of the day & night! Fh is an only child so i thnk its fair for us to go xmas morn to his parents for a bit. It also makes it fun for them.

qdp86 Posted: Dec 21, 2008 09:45 AM

Re: Need some honest advice..

I cant even begin to explain how i feel your pain! My parents are divorced and my mother lives upstate so we have three families that live no where near each other. We inivted Fh's family to Christmas day at my dads in the city. They accepted this year, but called a few days later screaming that she wants her son in her house for christmas at some point! i just dont get it. We are sticking to our plan, and realize we can't make everyone happy and no one will ever be perfectly happy (wait till we have kids lol!). Fh and I just try to remember that we are each others new family now and have to make each other happy and respect each other's needs ya know.

gip32680 Posted: Dec 21, 2008 11:54 AM

Re: Need some honest advice..

I understand totally and I think he is being unfair. Fh and i actually do both families. We don't do anything on Christmas eve. On Christmas day, we go to his families house first in the early afternoon and stay a few hours then we go to my mother's house later that afternoon. It's worked great for us because i like going to his family's house and he likes going to mine. Maybe since you guys don't live far from either house you could split the day. Maybe don't go to either house on Christmas eve and just do Christmas day. You can't really count NYE because you said your family doesn't do anything anyway that day. So you could either split Christmas day OR do Christmas eve one place and Christams day the other. But don't let him have it all cause then it won't stop.

Good luck sweetie

Deeglasser Posted: Dec 21, 2008 04:34 PM

Re: Need some honest advice..

i agree, this can be very frustrating... i wonder what our plans will be for next christmas when are married... you really have to communicate how you feel about the situation... get it out in the open now, before it becomes a big deal after you are married!

Mich2585 Posted: Dec 21, 2008 04:49 PM

Re: Need some honest advice..

we do christmas eve with his family and christmas day with my family ... the only problem is thanksgiving! haha buttt i guess we will take turns! it is hard because you want to be with both families and want to make eveyrone happy but the truth is you cant make everyone happy!

B2B 2009 Posted: Dec 21, 2008 08:14 PM

Re: Need some honest advice..

Thanks girls!! your advice and support is awesome!! At the moment, we are settled on splitting 1/2 and 1/2 time with each family on christmas eve and christmas day! But we both agreed to discuss it further next year and if we can't come up with a better solution that'll be it! FH is a fair guy so splitting it evenly was always important but we both have a hard time giving up our family time.. I guess next year we will see what unfolds but at least we have a preliminary plan at this point and its been discussed.. Thanks again girls