need to talk...is it over?

I am sorry this is long, but I just need to get it out. I have been with my fiance for almost 4 years, engaged for almost 2. For a while, my heart has not been in it the same way and although my brain has been telling me to just end it, I just can't.

There are many reasons to call it off...he is financially irresponsible, I found him 'flirting' with women online (including pics of him on match.com), his mom who drives me nuts...many more. But in the past year, after threats to leave him, he doesn't do the flirting thing but other problems are there.

We have been engaged for 2 years. I am 25, and about to graduate from grad school and start a career. He is 33 and still living at home. That is not that strange for our culture for ppl to live at home until they marry, but he doesn't even make enough to support us to rent an apt and he hasn't saved a single cent for the wedding. I have pushed him and pushed him for a year to get his license by taking a few steps, and doubling his salary in his field. But I have nagged and nagged and he has barely taken 2 steps to do so. I am tired of nagging and I shouldn't have to! He should WANT to improve his career on his own, to be able to support a wedding and a family. And his mom has a lot of money and owns several apartments, but she is the type who will die with her money and she won't help us out.

Thank God, I almost be done with school and will work right after-but I feel the only way we will be able to get married is for me to work my butt off and save up enough money for a wedding, then support us afterwards.

I am tired of it. I don't want that kind of pressure. I want a partner, not someone I have to babysit. He wants to start a family very badly, but how can I have kids and take time off when I would also have to be the breadwinner, the one to make sure bills get paid (his credit stinks), the one to do everything.

There have been so many negative issues: the flirting, his dishonesty (he lied to my face many times about his online love games), problems with his family, his irresponsibilty in finances and career...I don't even think I am in love with him anymore.

He always says he loves me, he shows affection, how I am his world and he would be nothing without me...I feel so guilty to leave him. He is not perfect, but he has wanted to get married for so long. It is so hard to leave him. Also, I was friends with his sister before we got together, so if I left him, I would also lose my group of friends. My family is not here, so I would basically be alone. I don't want to be alone. What if I don't meet someone again for years and years?

I am sorry if this post doesn't make sense. It has been years of so many issues and I am just confused.


Edit: my wedding date says 10/2007 because we reserved a hall for that date, but had to call it off shortly after. My family offered to help us by paying for a great deal of the wedding, but since I am in school- we had no way to pay for the rest of the wedding or any means to rent an apt to live in afterwards (we thought maybe his mom would help us out and give us a discount on one of her many apts that she has-WHAT A JOKE!!! )

I agree with the PP.

This is a decision that only you can make, I know that while DH and I were engaged we had our problems, money wise, etc. but there was ALWAYS the attempt for DH to futher himself. He has always ahd the passion to do better for himself and for us.

You have to figure out what you want and if its something that you cna live with for the rest of your life or if this is something that can not be changed and will bother you forever.

No one can make you get married!!! No one can tell you what is good for you-only you can.

Good Luck with your decision, you need to do the best for you!

you need to follow your heart.....your heart says leave so leave

don't feel sorry for him because in the end you will be miserable.....

why are you gonna marry him.....so you can leave him a year later......DONT MARRY HIM.....anytime soon.....stay engaged...feel him out.....

but if he is 33yrs old and after 4 years of being with you....he still isn't manning up then you definitely have problems.....and these are problems that will be with you forever......

please be wise.....and don't stick with someone JUST because you don't want to be alone or you feel sorry for him.....cuz even if you stay with him you will still feel alone.

dont marry someone you dont think is considerate of your feelings, it feels like your doing way beyond your necessity in this relationship.... financial issues have much to do with a marriage... does he have a stable income?? is he working??

Besides if you dont get along with your family...i dont get along with my mother in law they will make ur life hell...

good luck...to you...

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Posted by Operato09



please be wise.....and don't stick with someone JUST because you don't want to be alone or you feel sorry for him.....cuz even if you stay with him you will still feel alone.

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Thank you for saying that. It is exactly how I feel but haven't been able to put into words. I am trying to work up the courage to leave, and hope I have the strength to overcome the fear of being single for the rest of my life

i was in a similar situation not too long ago but i understand everything that you're going through. my man stepped up to the plate and decided that this relationship was worth fighting for...yours doesn't sound like he's too concerned with anything but himself...you're only 25...there is still PLENTY of time to put yourself out there and find the person who makes your world feel right...don't rush yourself into something that you know in your heart isn't right because in the end you'll both be miserable...and then if you were to get pregnant and bring kids into the mix..that's a recipe for disaster...take a step back and breathe...and think...it looks like you already know what the answer is...take a breath and make the leap into the unknown because its worth it...you sound like a very intelligent and awesome woman and a woman like you won't be alone for long

stay strong hun

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Posted by romie1982

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Posted by Operato09



please be wise.....and don't stick with someone JUST because you don't want to be alone or you feel sorry for him.....cuz even if you stay with him you will still feel alone.

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Thank you for saying that. It is exactly how I feel but haven't been able to put into words. I am trying to work up the courage to leave, and hope I have the strength to overcome the fear of being single for the rest of my life

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you wont be alone for the rest of your life.....you can not think like that.....you have to be strong and CONFIDENT in everything you do......

you are young and have a long life ahead of you.....EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON....maybe MR RIGHT is waiting for you at your new job...

i have a friend that lived with her boyfriend for 5yrs and he finally proposed to her

6months after the proposal she kicked him to the curb.....

i swear she was in the same situation as you......he made little money, never paid rent, wasn't romantic, and flirted as well.....

she finally stopped being WEAK (feeling sorry and obligated to be with him) and became STRONG (an individual, not a babysitter or his mommy) and you know what......!!!!!????

7months after that she fell in love with this man ....and moved to Florida but now she is coming back to be with mom because she is pregnant and EXTREMELY HAPPY with everything....i swear i have never seen Jen so happy.....and that is all the matters!!!!!

I would say you need to follow whats in your heart too. If you think that marrying him is going to make him change....IT WON'T it'll probably make him worse and then you'll be stuk in an unhappy marriage....better to get out sooner than later.









edited for a typo

in your post, it sounds like you want to leave. If that's the case, you have to follow your instincts on this one. one thing i DO know--you can't marry someone because you don't want to hurt his feelings. those are the makings for serious regrets and a mid-life crisis. Just think, if it's this hard to gather the courage to leave now, it's going to be excruciating if you wait until you have 2 kids and a house to wrestle over.

please believe in yourself enough to break away and find real happiness. it doesn't mean he's a bad guy; he might just need more time to find his own way, and you may need someone else--a better match. HTH, and i wish you the best in whatever you decide

Wow! So sorry to hear you have all that on your shoulders. IMO I could not live like that knowing he is doing all that you menitoned. Don't think you are responsible for changing someone who doesn't see the change is necessary for themself in the first place. It never works and leads to resentment in the future. I think you need to do what is right for you, and only you can make that call.

I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him before making any decisions, be honest with him this way he knows the deal....If after you speak to him, you still feel in your heart that he will not change then you need to do what is best for you....

You're 25 so don't think that you won't meet another great person, don't stay in the relationship because you're afraid to be alone - you have to stay with him because you really love him and want to have a future with him....If you can't see a future with him then you might have bigger problems later on if you do get married.

hope everything works out for you

Sounds like you really need a relationship counselor... either way. Sounds like you've tolerated a lot. Maybe you need an impartial person the BOTH of you could talk to.

Good luck.

I am so sorry that you are in this situation. It's a very hard place to be in and not an easy decision to make. In the end, you have to do what is best for you. Your wedding day is just that - one day amongst many. This is your life and you have to be happy living it.

If your boyfriend truly wants to get married then he would act like it. To me, it sounds like he wants all the benefits of being married with none of the responsibility. His actions you've described are not ones that will go away after he says 'I do'. They are chronic and will only continue into your married life.

You are young, intelligent, and successful. You deserve to have the type of relationship that you want and do not have to settle for any less than that. Just ask yourself - are you falling into the 'someone is better than no one' trap. Trust me someone is never better then no one!

Trust how you feel - your heart / subconscious / spirit will never led you down the wrong path.

Hope this helps -

IF you reread your post it sounds like you already made your mind up. Do not stay with someone becasue you think you will not be able to find someone else. You have your whole life ahead of you and I am sure you want it to be a happy time. What it all comes down to is that you have to do what is best for you. Maybe if you leave him for a little while he will realize what he has lost and then be the man you would want him to be, or maybe he willjust stay the same. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life arguing with him, that is a question you need to ask yoursel.

Just remember you need to listen to your heart and do what is best for you...We will support you either way..

I agree with all that has been said, but I think you should have a long, hard talk with him too. Have you told him how strongly you feel about leaving? How he doesn't seem to be working towards a life that you will both fit in and be happy? I think you need to sit him down and tell him, I am seriously considering calling this whole thing off, and here's why, and see how he acts. If you've done that, then leave. If you haven't - try. Give it a month or two after the conversation, and if nothing changes, leave. I know it's hard, and I know the feeling of never knowing if you will find someone, trust me I know.

Before I met FH, my longest relationship was 9 months - and that was my very first one, when I was 16!!! Between him and FH, 6 mos was my longest. They all had somehting that drove me crazy and we had to then break up once I noticed that thing. I have been with FH 6.5 years now. It will happen for you!!!!!

Good luck sweetie, and please let us know what happens.

1. He actively seeks inappropriate correspondence with other women.

2. He is dishonest.

3. He is uninterested stabilizing your joint financial future. (And it's not just about salary alone, but that he's uninterested in finding stable employment or work meaningful to him. Even if he wanted to be a SAHD, it sounds like he'd be contributing more to the household than he would as the OP presented.)

4. You reasonably foresee a future in which you will have to shoulder the burden of both breadwinning and childrearing instead of working out some equitable arrangement between the two of you.

If you had a friend who had a partner displaying these characteristics, what would you advise her to do?

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He is not perfect, but he has wanted to get married for so long.

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No one is perfect. But please see items 1, 2, 3, and 4 above. There is a difference between non-perfection which can be tolerated and the four items.

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Also, I was friends with his sister before we got together, so if I left him, I would also lose my group of friends.

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Maybe you will be able to retain the friendship, maybe not. Yes, it will be difficult to start over and possibly lose your friends. I can't deny that's a possibility. But will they help you when your kids are crying at 3 AM? If you don't have enough money for your mortgage that month, will they help?

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My family is not here, so I would basically be alone. I don't want to be alone.

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As stated above, it will be challenging. But it appears you're already feeling pretty alone in this relationship. If you're married and unhappy, you have fewer options to change your situation than if you were single and unhappy. How alone will you feel with a husband who checks out Match.com, lies to you about it, and doesn't contribute to the household financially, in childrearing, or upkeep?

I wish you the best. Good luck!

Thank you all. I know, you are right. If I had a friend in this situation, I would tell her to get out! I have told him many many many times how I feel, and he will vow to turn a new leaf. And then for a few weeks afterward he will be very pro-active, and then eventually slumps back into his own routine.

Sometimes he calls me superficial and says that I want someone who makes as much money as I will, but that is not true at all. I just want someone who does the best for themselves, and works hard to be his own best.

I just have to work up the courage to call it off and have faith things will be better. When I got engaged, I had this perfect vision of a beautiful wedding, living together, having kids...and although that dream has been broken for a long time, I guess I just cling to it out of fear.

Thank you all for giving me a little bit of strength and confidence that I will be doing the right thing. I just have to find the guts to pull the trigger...I will update when I make my move.