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need to talk...is it over?

Original post by romie1982

I am sorry this is long, but I just need to get it out. I have been with my fiance for almost 4 years, engaged for almost 2. For a while, my heart has not been in it the same way and although my brain has been telling me to just end it, I just can't.

There are many reasons to call it off...he is financially irresponsible, I found him 'flirting' with women online (including pics of him on match.com), his mom who drives me nuts...many more. But in the past year, after threats to leave him, he doesn't do the flirting thing but other problems are there.

We have been engaged for 2 years. I am 25, and about to graduate from grad school and start a career. He is 33 and still living at home. That is not that strange for our culture for ppl to live at home until they marry, but he doesn't even make enough to support us to rent an apt and he hasn't saved a single cent for the wedding. I have pushed him and pushed him for a year to get his license by taking a few steps, and doubling his salary in his field. But I have nagged and nagged and he has barely taken 2 steps to do so. I am tired of nagging and I shouldn't have to! He should WANT to improve his career on his own, to be able to support a wedding and a family. And his mom has a lot of money and owns several apartments, but she is the type who will die with her money and she won't help us out.

Thank God, I almost be done with school and will work right after-but I feel the only way we will be able to get married is for me to work my butt off and save up enough money for a wedding, then support us afterwards.

I am tired of it. I don't want that kind of pressure. I want a partner, not someone I have to babysit. He wants to start a family very badly, but how can I have kids and take time off when I would also have to be the breadwinner, the one to make sure bills get paid (his credit stinks), the one to do everything.

There have been so many negative issues: the flirting, his dishonesty (he lied to my face many times about his online love games), problems with his family, his irresponsibilty in finances and career...I don't even think I am in love with him anymore.

He always says he loves me, he shows affection, how I am his world and he would be nothing without me...I feel so guilty to leave him. He is not perfect, but he has wanted to get married for so long. It is so hard to leave him. Also, I was friends with his sister before we got together, so if I left him, I would also lose my group of friends. My family is not here, so I would basically be alone. I don't want to be alone. What if I don't meet someone again for years and years?

I am sorry if this post doesn't make sense. It has been years of so many issues and I am just confused.


Edit: my wedding date says 10/2007 because we reserved a hall for that date, but had to call it off shortly after. My family offered to help us by paying for a great deal of the wedding, but since I am in school- we had no way to pay for the rest of the wedding or any means to rent an apt to live in afterwards (we thought maybe his mom would help us out and give us a discount on one of her many apts that she has-WHAT A JOKE!!! )
Future Mulligan Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

i had an ex just like that - and it took me so long to break it off with him - i was afraid of how he would handle it - and it did end up being a very ugly break up and at time it was very scary - but i am so glad that i did it and didnt stay with him....if i did it wouldnt have been fair to either of us - but especially for myself - i knew i could do better and i am so lucky to have found my FH....i wish you all the best

mjay Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE WITH HIM FOR ALL THE WRONG REASONS.. DONT SETTLE,, YOU SOUND LIKE A NICE CATCH,, I AM SURE YOU WILL FIND LOVE AGAIN.. YOU ARE ABOUT TO START A NEW CHAPTER IN YOUR LIFE AND DONT NEED BAGGAGE,,, IN THE END YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR YOU,, GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR DECISION AND I AM VERY SORRY TO HEAR THIS..
Mici n KC Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

I am so sorry you're going through this situation. Did his parents do a lot for him? This could be why he isn't motivated to do anything. Just think how it will be when you're working and he still isn't doing anything. This is a big decision, but I think you need to follow your heart. Yes, it's hard because you've been together for so long, but it sounds as if you have already made your decision. Good luck
luvabul Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

let us know how it goes
good luck....
luvabul Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

really well said!!
bluekat16 Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

You've gotten a lot of great feedback here. All I can say is follow your instincts and it seems like your instincts are telling you to leave that situation.

JennNicole Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

This sounds so much like my ex fiance!

That's right - I moved on anyway that is why I say 'ex' - I had so many of the feelings you are experiencing. It was VERY difficult and I was your age when this happened.

Regardless of the loss you will experience if the break up does indeed happen.. the friends the social groups, etc.. This IS the rest of your life that is a pretty important decision. I think that alone outways the negatives.

My point to this post is I moved on and it all turned out o.k. - and I did meet someone else and glad that I did break it off b/c I wouldn't have met my DH!

So don't let your fears discourage you to stay in something that does not feel right for you.

Good Luck whatever you chose.
Papillon25 Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

I just want to add that people don't change after a wedding.

We are all into the wedding thing now cuz we are brides, BUT it is just a party after all. It is one day in your life, actually about 6 hours and after that, you are left with the person you chose to marry.

Sometimes I think people expect a drastic change after a wedding, as if the person in the marriage will be different than the person they dated.

You have to do what is best for you, but just realize if you get into this marriage with these issues, they will still be there after the honeymoon.
kimiequa Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

i'm so sorry that you are going through all of this! i understand your concern for hurting your FH, and feeling alone if you leave him, but you have to think about this for the long run. i wouldn't want you to make a decision as big as this based on you wanting friends.

it sounds to me like you have already made up your mind already, but you want someone to tell you that you're making the right decision. i can't tell you what to do, but look in your heart, and know that you are a strong woman and will survive.

good luck!
alissa5517 Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

There have been so many negative issues: the flirting, his dishonesty (he lied to my face many times about his online love games), problems with his family, his irresponsibilty in finances and career...I don't even think I am in love with him anymore.

This says it all. If you are not in love with him anymore then you already know the answer to your question.
Please do not settle just because you don't want to be alone. You WILL find someone that loves you and that you love. Someone to share life with and not that you don't have to nag to do what is right.
If you settle because you don't want to hurt his feelings you will be unhappy and that will hurt him in the long run.
You need to marry someone that you love and can not imagine your life without him.
jtgarsik Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

Posted by romie1982

Posted by Operato09

please be wise.....and don't stick with someone JUST because you don't want to be alone or you feel sorry for him.....cuz even if you stay with him you will still feel alone.


Thank you for saying that. It is exactly how I feel but haven't been able to put into words. I am trying to work up the courage to leave, and hope I have the strength to overcome the fear of being single for the rest of my life


YOU...and you alone are the only person that can make this decision. First KNOW that in leaving him, there will be SO many blessings waiting for you...there is someone out there who deserves you & fate will have it's way....You are 25!! THAT IS YOUNG!!!! and even if u were 10years older, u want to marry someone even though u're completely unhappy??? I know there's a certain comfort level & a certain assurance of ur future - but it is SO not worth it...especially that u are this upset over all of this. Secondly, I'd rather be alone than be with someone & have my heart feel broken for the rest of my life. If there are this many problems now and no real attempt for change, marraige WILL NOT make it better. I know from watching my mother & father my entire life that YOU cannot change someone...they can only change themselves. I understand ur heartache & i am so sorry that u are dealing with this..but having temporary heartache now & being able to look towards a brighter future is MUCH better that having a lifetime of heartache & regret. I have had my share of hurts, jerks & everything in between....and now I have a wonderful man who adores me...had i stayed in ANY of those previous relationships, my life would be utterly unhappy & i would've never known the happiness I have today with my husband. Nobody is perfect, but it's not about this at all....you are clearly unhappy & have been for a long time. You need to get out of ur situation & make a clean break. I wish u all the best & can offer lots & lots of hugs. Feel free to FM me if u need to talk or need advice....You can do this! Follow your heart, hold ur head high & look towards a bright future that God's got waitin' for ya! If u're gut is telling you this is not right - FOLLOW IT. Please please PLEASE do not let fear or guilt keep u in a relationship that ur heart is not wholeheartedly in..because u are only setting urself up for future heartache. Like i said YOU need to make this decision & u need to take a deep breath & do it with confidence...we are all here for you!!
jtgarsik Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

Posted by romie1982

Thank you all. I know, you are right. If I had a friend in this situation, I would tell her to get out! I have told him many many many times how I feel, and he will vow to turn a new leaf. And then for a few weeks afterward he will be very pro-active, and then eventually slumps back into his own routine.

Sometimes he calls me superficial and says that I want someone who makes as much money as I will, but that is not true at all. I just want someone who does the best for themselves, and works hard to be his own best.

I just have to work up the courage to call it off and have faith things will be better. When I got engaged, I had this perfect vision of a beautiful wedding, living together, having kids...and although that dream has been broken for a long time, I guess I just cling to it out of fear.

Thank you all for giving me a little bit of strength and confidence that I will be doing the right thing. I just have to find the guts to pull the trigger...I will update when I make my move.


just read this & just wanted to tell you i think ur an amazing woman! Just remember that it takes a lot more strength & confidence to leave than it does to stay...you should be proud of urself because there are so many other women who would just stay in a situation like this....you will come out of this a million times stronger on the other side & we are all here for you!!!!! I'm glad u're realizing all of this, because although there were other girls on here who said to 'talk to him about it' - it seems (and u've said) that u've already been through this routine a dozen times...if it were the first time this was happening then i'd agree - but i agree with YOU. u've been in this spot one too many times & need to look forward to what the future holds keep us updated..
Jenn04 Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

I am sorry too for this rough time...I know it is not easy

I can say I went through something similar but ENDED it! I moved out west with my ex-bf. Something I wasnt crazy about doing...I quit my job, left my masters programs...for promises of a better living (NY is expensive!) Anyway...we moved to Vegas and he was out partying and doing things he should be doing! He never saved any money or considered saving for house. He did show alot of affection but forgot about important things....V-day, my B-day! Not even a card or anything! Finally I found out he made 'friends' with one of our girl neighbors and I lost it. I should have ended it a lot sooner but this was the straw that broke the camels back! I shouldnt have even let it go that far but I just didnt know what/how to end it. But finally I broke it off and for good and he cried and begged for forgiveness and I stood my ground. 3 months later...I met my FH (while he was in Vegas on business). He literally dropped from heaven....he is the sweetest thing I ever met. It is crazy that I moved out there for one guy and came back with another....but I truely think it happened that way for a reason.

I am sorry I rambled but I just want you to know you are not alone and I know how you feel. This is not easy at all...no one said it would be. You need to do what your heart says and stick to it. When he comes crying back....do not let him back in. And remember...uou CANNOT change him. Please let us know what happens and fm me if you want more details about my awful ex...I could go on and on for pages here!
lucamon Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

Do not marry someone if you have doubts! You had a 2 year engagement already. If during these 2 years you still can't make up your mind about him then he's probably not the one. That's what an engagement is for, it's to prepare you for marriage and clearly he's not ready mentally and financially and you're questioning it. I think you already made up your mind based on all the things you've said, you just need the courage to do it. Good luck.
disneefan Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

These ladies are right. You will be spending the rest of your life with this person. If this is the way he is acting now, before you even get married, this is the way he will be after you tie the knot.

They don't change just because we want them to. We can't change other people, we can only change ourselves.

I know it is very hard to take this step. And you will feel sad and miserable for a little while. I have been there. But things will get better. You will get over him and someone new will come into your life.

Best of luck with this. You can always write us back and we will be there for you.
missK Posted:

Re: need to talk...is it over?

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