Need your advice

FH and I are fighting. It's the same fight we've been having for what seems like years. He was previously engaged to someone and she broke it off three weeks before the wedding.
When he moved in about a year and a half ago, he brought with him the cards he had given her and she had given him.
Well he doesn't get me cards just because. I had two grandmothers, a grandfather, and an aunt pass away in about 18 months time and never got even a sympathy card.....and he gave her cards that said here's a hug, and writes I'm sorry you had a bad day.
And so I've asked him why I'm not worth getting these cards, and that I feel like he's settling for me. He never gives me an answer and now I'm scared that my wedding is less than two weeks away and I might be making a mistake.
I love him more than anything, but he's not very affectionate in general and I feel like I live in her shadow.
I'm asking anyone who might give me advice to help me get past this. Tonight's fight was worse than ever (he works midnights so its not like we can talk it over anymore).

i'm so sorry you're going through this right now with all the stress of the upcoming wedding no less. being that your wedding is coming up so soon, i think it's imperative that the two of you sit down and have a serious talk when you are both calm--after a fight is probably not the best time because you're both emotional at that moment. or perhaps see a couples therapist? he went through what must have been an extremely traumatic experience and maybe he needs help moving past it. Good luck!

man thats a tough 1! this happened to someone i know...and honestly nothing worked...didnt matter how many talks they had! But w/ 3 weeks from her wedding she told him listen i feel like this and i really feel like you are just not ready and are settling b/c this is what i want! So she packed her stuff and walked out.....this was such a wake up call for him not to have her there. He finally woke up and opened up his heart and all his feelings flooded out.....well fast fwd 3 yrs later and 1 baby they never been happier!!

good luck! if you need to talk feel free to FM me!

First... here are some hugs


Second, this is something that you guys should discuss in a calm way. You shoud discuss it only because you have needs that are not being met...the need for affection. Try not to compare your relationship to another relationship. The break-up itself may have changed how he approaches relationships with people. He is marrying you though, so don't feel as though you are second best. If he does not love you, he would not be marrying you. Instead of discussing what he has done in his past relationship, discuss with him what you would like to see happen in your present relationship. Don't inquire if he thinks you are good enough for cards and the like. Instead express your needs for affection...and make sure you are doing the 'just because' stuff too. Every relationship is different and our experiences shape how we approach the next experience. Do not bring up his ex anymore, if possible. In the meantime, hang in there. Try not to be upset. This will work out if you two approach it in a calm, loving way and you both listen to each other. I hope everything works out!

ETA: However, it is really not appropriate to keep all of his old letters from his ex. In this respect, he may need some help getting over the past relationship. Have you ever asked him why he has kept this stuff? How would he feel if you kept that stuff from one of your ex's?

That is a tough one....do you regularly give him cards? My FH doesnt like cards, I get them for vday, xmas and bday, thats it. I love cards, but we dont exchange them much b/c he isnt a fan of them. He is divorced and his ex did quite a job on him, there was some repairing to do to his soul which we are still working on. He also grew up in a household very different than mine, my family is always full of 'I love you', etc, his family was never that way so I got him in the habit of saying it, b/c I think its an important thing to say all the time.
I wonder though, why does he still have the cards he exchanged with his ex? Have you discussed with him, now is a time when you are going through a lot of emotions, but if you have issues, get them out in the open and work on them before you make a commitment of marriage to each other.

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Posted by scappy123

That is a tough one....do you regularly give him cards? My FH doesnt like cards, I get them for vday, xmas and bday, thats it. I love cards, but we dont exchange them much b/c he isnt a fan of them. He is divorced and his ex did quite a job on him, there was some repairing to do to his soul which we are still working on. He also grew up in a household very different than mine, my family is always full of 'I love you', etc, his family was never that way so I got him in the habit of saying it, b/c I think its an important thing to say all the time.
I wonder though, why does he still have the cards he exchanged with his ex? Have you discussed with him, now is a time when you are going through a lot of emotions, but if you have issues, get them out in the open and work on them before you make a commitment of marriage to each other.

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When I discovered the cards I asked him why he was saving them and his only response was I meant to bring them to my parents. And then he threw them in the garbage. He will say I love you when we get off the phone. I've asked for more affection from him, he says he'll try and that he's just not good at it. I just don't know anymore.... and all I'm asking from him is to explain himself, to make me understand what he is feeling so that I know that this is what he wants.

i was just re-thinking what i said. pls dont take it like im telling you to give up. im not at all...what i meant is this is what happend to this girl we know and she basically had no idea where to turn..so thats why she left. But in the long run it helped them so much more b/c he realized he truly loved her, and the last thing he wanted was to lose her! Also I failed to mention his ex left him thats why he was so scared. He thought she was going to pull the same stunts so he put a wall in front of his heart. Do you think maybe thats what hes scared about? do yourself a favor get him to sit and talk w/ you asap...you dont want to enter a marriage w/ a big ? over your head!
smile im sure things will turn around!!

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Posted by NY031978

i was just re-thinking what i said. pls dont take it like im telling you to give up. im not at all...what i meant is this is what happend to this girl we know and she basically had no idea where to turn..so thats why she left. But in the long run it helped them so much more b/c he realized he truly loved her, and the last thing he wanted was to lose her! Also I failed to mention his ex left him thats why he was so scared. He thought she was going to pull the same stunts so he put a wall in front of his heart. Do you think maybe thats what hes scared about? do yourself a favor get him to sit and talk w/ you asap...you dont want to enter a marriage w/ a big ? over your head!
smile im sure things will turn around!!

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Thanks everyone......hopefully we'll be able to talk some tomorrow.....if I get home from work in time.

Hi

All I can do is give you advice.You have to sit down with him and see whats up ? Fidn out if he really wants to marry you and if YOU really want to marry him. One day you will feel he picked you over her just for settling and you'll never get over it and 2nd guess yourself all the time.

Marrying him if he is just settling is not good you'll wind up in a bitter marriage and a bitterdivorce especially onece kids get involved.

I had a big Leonard's Of Greatneck Marriage back in 94 with everything back then the Crystal Room was the wanted room also I got it for 45. a head.

After we married I decided he wasn't what I wanted and told him it was over May 1st we were not married for even a month, I divorced him by August ...

Remarried in 95 to a wonderful guy who I am with for 11 years now and were having a Vow Blessing in the Catholic Church and a Receptioin.

Just make sure...

Not to be a stinker here, but maybe he doesn't get you cards like you want becuase that IS something he did with his ex, and it ended up so badly he doesn't want to do the same thing twice, and with your wedding being so close, could he possibly be afraid of a deja vu situation? I think i'd be terrified if i had an ex-fiance break up with me, and am now at that point with another person. He could be projecting his fears and anxiety onto you, making it seem like he's not ready or unwilling to meet your needs.

If I were you, I wouldn't do anythign drastic like walking out, but I do think you need to talk, and maybe do it with the help of a professional. Do you think you could get in a premarital therapy session, or maybe meet with a priest or someone who's been somewhat inolved with your wedding?

Good luck...

Sweetie I am so sorry you are feeling this way. First of all, everyone gets scared, but being 2 weeks away is maybe a little scarier. You need to sit and think about how and why you got to this place. Maybe you were both ready to get married and were the ones around at the time. (I know that sounds harsh but it is a sad truth). Maybe he is stuck in the past, however, if he threw them out that is a GOOD sign. I too am in a relationship where we come from different worlds but I NEVER expect him to act the way I want or need him to. That is just unrealistic. You get what you see no ifs, ands, or buts. I waited 3 years for my ex to 'come around' and open up and see how wonderful a little affection can be and well, he never did. Look at the man you are marrying and before you do it make sure HE is what you want. Not the him improved. I am not saying people don't change but you must be happy with them even if the never do. HTH-

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Posted by ellebelle1

Can I just add one more thing. Imagine if you broke it off with him now, this would be the second time someone broke off an engagement with him right before the wedding. That makes me think that if this may happen to him twice that these problems stem from him.

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That's exactly what I was thinking.

First I would like to say how sorry I am to hear you are going thru this, my heart goes out to you

This is indeed a tough one although you both need to have a long talk before you say 'I Do' especially if your starting to have doubts. Just try your best to stay calm and get everything off your chest, you need to allow him to really understand exactly how you feel. I'm sure you will feel better once the two of you talk it out.

I hope it all works out for you sweetie, please know we are all here for you and I ask that you keep us posted.

You will be in my thoughts

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Posted by Blu-ize

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Posted by ellebelle1

Can I just add one more thing. Imagine if you broke it off with him now, this would be the second time someone broke off an engagement with him right before the wedding. That makes me think that if this may happen to him twice that these problems stem from him.

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That's exactly what I was thinking.

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I strongly agree

I am so sorry you are going through this. This is a little bit of my perspective.

About the cards -I was with aguy for 10 years and we were pretty close to getting married too. I still have ALL his cards and other random stuff like letters. It doesn't mean anything. It's not like I still read them but my ex was a HUGE part of my life and the cards are just something from my past. Everything is boxed up but I have a hard time letting it go because it's part of me. Fast forward to now with my FH and I don't nearly give him as many cards because I'm older now and don't need to give a card every week and give an overload of affection. Was he a lot younger then and was this maybe his first love? You tend to go over the top when you're younger and in love.

You definately need to talk to your FH and see what's going on but don't be so quick to think he is settling. My FH isn't as affectionate as I'd like him to be but he does a lot of other things that make up for it to show me how much he loves me. It would break my heart if my FH thought I was settling for him just because of my past with an ex. You live, you love, you learn. It just may be he's more uptight lately because it's come up to the 'marker' where the last girl left and this is giving him some anxiety.

Talk it out but don't be so quick to assume.

I agree with the general consensus of the girls here. You need to have a talk and put your mind at ease.

I just wanted to ad that the both of you may be overreacting. I sympathize that you r not getting the affection you need and it's good that he agrees that he needs to work on that. I think you’re reading to much into the whole card thing thou.

Try to keep in mind the amount of stress your both under, he's having flashbacks and is probably nervous just like you. It's ok to tell each other your nervous, talk about it. Marriage is a big deal, its NORMAL to be scared and have 'cold feet'. I would try to comfort him and maybe he'll give you the same in return!

I agree with Nov06 and have a similar experience. this is only my advice, As difficult as it may be, don't compare yourself to a past situation. He was younger then and maybe its hard for him to open up more and be more affectionate because he's afraid of a repeat or something and he can't admit that because he's a guy. No one likes to be reminded of a failed relationship. Try to focus on what you and FH have - which is the present and a future. Open up to each other.