need your advice....(for everyone that knows my story)

my husband and I are set to meet on Monday with the mediator and sign the papers. My husband as you all know has been trying to get back together. We went to lunch last week and although it was civil and had a good time, I didn't feel the same for him. He has been calling me crying and begging to go talk to someone- he knows he needs help, he doesnt want this to end, he loves and misses me etc. I think also because we are signing the papaers and it becomes real that he is freaking out.
And I feel bad-I know I shouldnt after what happened but I am not like that. I have a heart and I hate hearing him like that. but the truth is I don't think I can ever go back. I love him and care about him but I dont think that I can risk going back. He says he is getting help and not drinking but I honestly dont believe him.

I feel like I am giving up after less than a year of marriage. Part of me feels sad because our marriage didnt last through a year and I feel like a faliure. We didnt try to work things out. When I wanted to, he wasnt ready and now that he is willing to, I am not.
I am sad because we didnt even get our wedding video and album and we are signing our papers.

I know its not my fault. Ialso know that in the long run it is probably better off for me. I know all of this yet I still feel such sadness. Especially since all of my February girls are going to be celebrating their year anniversary. I have so many mixed emotions.

I guess I just need hugs and some reassurance that I made the right decision and I am not just running away from reality + giving up after a short time.

only you know what's right for you.

what I do know is that every relationship takes work- and if you want to work on this one or not depends upon how much work and effort you think you should put into it.

i have to say i think you are making the right decision. I think he is desperate right now and would say anything...but in reality..i think he will be back to his old ways soon enough...but this is just going by the things i have read

GOOD LUCK EITHER WAY
Whatever you choose

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Posted by oct.2004bride

i have to say i think you are making the right decision. I think he is desperate right now and would say anything...but in reality..i think he will be back to his old ways soon enough...but this is just going by the things i have read

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I would agree...you suspect that he's still drinking, and you know him better than we do. You really DID try. There are circumstances, alcohol abuse being one of them, that are non-negotiable. You were in for a lifetime of waiting for him to clean it up, and that's not fair to you. He didn't hold up his side of the deal.

You will be ok- doing what you did took a huge amount of strength and I wish you the best.

follow your gut- it is usually right!

Your gut is probably right You'll do the right thing.

I definately cant tell you what to do, I do know that alcohol is an addiction and the addicted can most deflinately change..but only you know whats in your heart. Only you know how much you can handle. Could you possibly put a hold on signing the papers to allow yourself the time to think? I know this is extremely hard and I know it sucks and I am so sorry you are going through this!!! I shouldnt even say put a hold on signing..I just want to see you making the best decision for YOU, not for anyone else!!

You know your situation better than any one else and I bet your instincts are right on. Best of luck in whatever decision you make.

i just think that deep down people dont change and I dont think my husband will change. Especially since hes been this way for years. Of course being naive, I thought marriage would change him or at least he would have calmed down. How stupid I was!When I start to think about what my life would be like with him again, I think back to those nights when he didnt come home until the all hours of the am, I would wake up wihtout a phone call, I would call him and no answer. I would pray that he make it home and that nothing happened to him and hwen he finally did come home, I would get so angry thathe did this and didnt even care- I learned the hard way never to argue with a drunk person...
the vicious fights, the times he would get drunk, fight with me and then never come home. The times he said he was sorry and would never do it again.. The times when I went out, whether it was a work function or out with the girls, he always had to be out and would make it an all night event. I never oculd even go out anymore with my friends because I would woory about him. I never experienced pain like that before and I feel it scarred me. He just doesnt get how he hurt me and himself.

I am sorry I am just venting... therapy at its best!!

I agree with the above post! also its up to you weather you want to give it a another chance or not trust your interwisen, good luck and i wish the best of luck in what ever decision you make we are here for you!

i know its my decision and only I can make that. I just needed to vent. Its been building up for a few weeks. I just needed some hugs I guess and I know I can always get them here!!!

Im going to send ya FM in a second

only you know what is right for you...if you have ANY doubts about signing those papers, go talk to a professional. Seriously. You have every right to ask your husband for PROOF of his sobriety. But....if you don't believe him now, you may never believe him. You will always have this fear inside you that he'll slip again, because of peer pressure, or stress, or whatever.

How have you felt being on your own the last few months? Stronger? Happier? More relieved that you aren't always worrying about someone else or wondering where they are or what they are doing?

I went through this in college with a BF of 5 years..he was a drug addict, an alcoholic, a cheater, and he hit me. Everytime he said he'd stop or cut back.....it was only temporary and I was ALWAYS wondering where he was, who he was with, what he was doing.....and there were plenty of times when he disappeared. It was after I FINALLY got some self esteem (not much, but some) to break up with him once and for all...that I instantly became a happier person...and everyone around me felt it.

If you feel the need to investigate your husbands' claims, then do so, even if you know you're going to sign those papers...just to see how truthful he is being. But be prepared....once you sign, you might hear how he hits rock bottom again. He might be coming back because it's familiar territory to him....you already married him, he knows you loved him/still love him/care for him...easy for him to beg to come back than to start from scratch all over again.

Whatever happens.....know that it needed to be that way...EVERYTHING happens for a reason.

I love you Kristi...be strong, have faith, and BELIEVE in yourself

But....if you don't believe him now, you may never believe him. You will always have this fear inside you that he'll slip again, because of peer pressure, or stress, or whatever.

How have you felt being on your own the last few months? Stronger? Happier? More relieved that you aren't always worrying about someone else or wondering where they are or what they are doing?

I love you Kristi...be strong, have faith, and BELIEVE in yourself

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Shana- this is EXACTLY how I feel!!! I feel if we get back, I may never get over that fear and distrust again. And i do feel stronger and that a weight has been lifted- I just feel bad that hes so sad. thats the mothering nuturing side of me though.

Thank you so much for your words Shana... Love u too!!!

Hang in there. I think you are making the right decision, not that what I think means much, but I'm basing it on what I have read of your situation. My aunt stayed married to a man whom she knew was an alcoholic and regretted it her whole life until he ended up in jail for dwi's and he was a cop, so I can only tell you the amount of times he got caught and penalized was only a dismal number compared to the times he got caught and let off the hook because he was a cop. He always promised he would change, but someone who really WANTS to change doesn't promise it, they just DO IT. Hang in there. You seem to be holding up very well and you will continue to. You are a much stronger person than I am, and I admire you for the tough decision you made!

I think you are finally at peace and know that you want to move on, I think you know what you need to do

Kristi,

You can only do what is in your heart. If your feelings have changed, they have changed. He has to understand that because he caused that. You gave him more chances than most would have. You know that your road with him will never be an easy one and if you were to go down there, could you truly open your heart completely knowing what could be around the corner at any moment.

If he loves you, ask him to respect your feelings and your fear and not to make it harder on you then he has already made it.

You have had the strength to go this far, you can do it. You are not a failure, you are only a failure if you do not learn from your mistakes.