need your advice....(for everyone that knows my story)

Original post by kdelace

Jan 19, 2005 07:50 PM

my husband and I are set to meet on Monday with the mediator and sign the papers. My husband as you all know has been trying to get back together. We went to lunch last week and although it was civil and had a good time, I didn't feel the same for him. He has been calling me crying and begging to go talk to someone- he knows he needs help, he doesnt want this to end, he loves and misses me etc. I think also because we are signing the papaers and it becomes real that he is freaking out.
And I feel bad-I know I shouldnt after what happened but I am not like that. I have a heart and I hate hearing him like that. but the truth is I don't think I can ever go back. I love him and care about him but I dont think that I can risk going back. He says he is getting help and not drinking but I honestly dont believe him.

I feel like I am giving up after less than a year of marriage. Part of me feels sad because our marriage didnt last through a year and I feel like a faliure. We didnt try to work things out. When I wanted to, he wasnt ready and now that he is willing to, I am not.
I am sad because we didnt even get our wedding video and album and we are signing our papers.

I know its not my fault. Ialso know that in the long run it is probably better off for me. I know all of this yet I still feel such sadness. Especially since all of my February girls are going to be celebrating their year anniversary. I have so many mixed emotions.

I guess I just need hugs and some reassurance that I made the right decision and I am not just running away from reality + giving up after a short time.

allure Posted: Jan 19, 2005 10:08 PM

Re: need your advice....(for everyone that knows my story)

Wishing you all the best

SeptWed Posted: Jan 19, 2005 10:10 PM

Re: need your advice....(for everyone that knows my story)

Posted by kdelace

But....if you don't believe him now, you may never believe him. You will always have this fear inside you that he'll slip again, because of peer pressure, or stress, or whatever.

How have you felt being on your own the last few months? Stronger? Happier? More relieved that you aren't always worrying about someone else or wondering where they are or what they are doing?

I love you Kristi...be strong, have faith, and BELIEVE in yourself

Shana- this is EXACTLY how I feel!!! I feel if we get back, I may never get over that fear and distrust again. And i do feel stronger and that a weight has been lifted- I just feel bad that hes so sad. thats the mothering nuturing side of me though.

Shana perfect words hun! I have been here before and trust me it does not go back to being the way it was before. You are always going to have to worry when life gets bad or stressful is he going to say 'i need a drink' or 'i need to go out'. If it was my husband, i could understand because he would go out for a drink or have a drink or two but thats it.......however in your situation it would be totally different. There is always the distrust and worry its going back to being the way it was.

You deserve so much better and you have to continue to be strong! He's realizing maybe now what an amazing person he let go....but he has not changed (not yet at least). That takes years..not just when the papers are being signed or the holidays being around.

Don't get me wrong he might be able to change his ways, but he has to do it for himself and then show you. ACTIONS SPEAK A LOT LOUDER THEN WORDS. I've learned that the hard way...and you are too.

Stay strong honey. YOu are handling this much better then i ever would...and i give you soooo much respect for that.

LoriH Posted: Jan 19, 2005 10:14 PM

Re: need your advice....(for everyone that knows my story)

You need to do what is best for you. You may after much counseling be able to forgive what he has done but you will never forget the pain this has caused you. If you are in a better place this is what life intended for you. You learned what you needed to from a particularly difficult situation. Whatever you decide do not forget the lessons you learned from this period in your life. Good luck and you are NOT a failure at all.

kdelace Posted: Jan 19, 2005 11:36 PM

Re: need your advice....(for everyone that knows my story)

thanks to all of you for your kind encouraging words and fms!!! love you all!!!!!!!!!!!

june262004 Posted: Jan 19, 2005 11:57 PM

Re: need your advice....(for everyone that knows my story)

Kristi, First All the 's in the world to you. I agree with everyone who said Only you know what the right decision is. I am also a firm believer in second chances and people can change. BUT....At the same time. He should have change when he saw things going down hill. He left you cause he wasn't ready to change. I think the fact that you said you don't feel the same way about him anymore answers the question if you are making the right choice or not.

Remember whats ment to be is ment to be. Stay strong and I truly admire you for staying this tough through this. You are a strong beautiful Woman!

Valentinegirl Posted: Jan 20, 2005 07:53 AM

Re: need your advice....(for everyone that knows my story)

I think you are making the right decision. If you take him back, he could go back to his old ways once you are comfortable w/ eachother again. Good luck!

jenny2penny Posted: Jan 20, 2005 08:08 AM

.

Cindy Posted: Jan 20, 2005 11:05 AM

Re: need your advice....(for everyone that knows my story)

I don't have much more to say that hasn't been said already. I would follow your inner voice. If you have any, even slight doubt, just like what someone else said, could you put off the signing of the papers? If you know in your heart you are done, then I would move forward and not look back.

usuk2004 Posted: Jan 20, 2005 11:24 AM

Re: need your advice....(for everyone that knows my story)

I always feel that somewhere deep inside I know what is right for me--that no matter what other options I entertain, in the end I will end up doing X because it's right for me. I have a feeling that deep down you know that you're going to sign those papers (based on what you've written here) because that's what's in your heart.

Be strong and be brave (like we all know you are!!) and follow through on what your heart's telling you. You deserve to be happy

And, PLEASE don't compare yourself to others. Other people may seem so happy or seem to have everything in life, but the grass is always greener. Enjoy your new start! Everything is ahead of you!

palebride Posted: Jan 20, 2005 11:39 AM

Re: need your advice....(for everyone that knows my story)

I can't even imagine what you are going through right now!
I think you're making the right decision though - because you're making the decision for you! If he wants you back, he has to prove himself to you - he cans't just say he misses you and he loves you and have you take him back - he doesn't deserve you at this point!
Yesterday on Dr. Phil, he was talking to people about divorces and broken engagements....and he told one girl 'If he comes crawling to you, begging for you to take him back, step over him and keep walking!'
That's the advice that I would give you as well. People have to be willing to be with you during good times AND bad....and if they show you that they can't handle the rough times....then you need to stay away - marriage is too hard on it's own to put more troubles into it!

ambersmom Posted: Jan 20, 2005 12:29 PM

Re: need your advice....(for everyone that knows my story)

Kristi - I think you are one of the most strongest persons I know. It takes more courage than you can comprehend to stand up for yoursef, have some inner pride and say 'enough' to his continued thoughtless behavior. I can't even begin to imagine the pain and confusion you are going through but I also know that you would never be at peace if you went back - you'd always be waiting for that other shoe to drop and him to fall back in old ways. You deserve better/more and it is not your fault that he could not overcome is shortcomings. YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!! You seem to be on target with your intuition and feelings to know that you can't let your guard down or trust in the idea that he's changed. That in itself should speak to you and let you know you're doing the right thing.
All the best to you honey. We all love you and support you

JimmysBride Posted: Jan 20, 2005 12:32 PM

Re: need your advice....(for everyone that knows my story)

I have to be honest with what I think from what you've posted that I've read. I hope I don't offend you.

I honestly don't know if you are making the right decision or the just the easy decision. If your gut and your heart tells you that, yes, you made a mistake marrying this man in the first place and were deluding yourself thinking that all the things that were not okay with you before the wedding were going to change once that ring went on his finger, then you probably are making the right decision.

If however, you believe that you were RIGHT in marrying this man and that when you took your vows knew full well what you were in for and were willing to work at this relationship come what may -- then no, I believe you are not working hard enough to make this work. I believe you might be taking the easy way out because marriage suddenly became too much work alot sooner than you expected.

But really, (as everyone else has said) only YOU truly know the answer to that. I'm not telling you that you are or aren't doing the right thing. I just wanted to present it to you because when I read about your separation and impending divorce, I had to wonder if you were giving up too easily... I had to wonder if I would do the same thing in your position, so I question you as I would question myself if I were in this position.

Good luck! I don't pretend to know how difficult a decision this is.