Is anyone marrying into a different religion and culture? I need advice to keep sanity!
squeekietoy
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Re: New religion and culture
I'm marrying an Asian man. What kind of advice are you looking for?
lizzzie35
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I'm a Cuban Polish Catholic Jew who is marrying an Italian Polish Catholic. My dad says we can't tell my grandfather we're getting married in a church until he gets our invitation...
jenniferd
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Extremely stressed. They don't eat pork, my family does. They don't drink, my family does. I had ideas for little wine bottle favors, but that's not a good idea. I'm changing my religion otherwise we can't get married, I'm moving out to be closer to him. I feel very stressed out and we are fighting!!! I need sanity.
squeekietoy
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Posted by jenniferd
Extremely stressed. They don't eat pork, my family does. They don't drink, my family does. I had ideas for little wine bottle favors, but that's not a good idea. I'm changing my religion otherwise we can't get married, I'm moving out to be closer to him. I feel very stressed out and we are fighting!!! I need sanity.
Well, your family isn't going to change for his family. That is something you're going to have to accept and move on. The favor idea isn't the end of the world. It's just a wedding favor. The whole religion thing, I don't really get. Why do YOU have to change YOUR religion to marry HIM? That I don't get. I'm not very religious and neither is FH, i'm very thankful for that, but when someone dictates that you have to change something that you may have strong beliefs in, that's VERY questionable. If you love eachother, that should be all that matters. I know people fight over religion all the time, but, it's totally unecessary.
kat124
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I am marrying into a new religion but keeping mine. I was raised Roman Catholic, he was raised very conservative Pentecostal. Our practices are different, however he is not so devout. We are marrying in his church with his pastor. My mother almost had a heart attack when I told her. His family doesnt drink or listen to mainstream music, or dance, we do.
We are having liquor at the wedding and music. Early in the relationship we agreed to disagree. He respects my beleifs, I do the same for him. We have decided to expose our children to both, and let them decide which one to follow when they grow older. I dont see the need for fighting over this or me converting. If you feel this is what you want then yes, otherwise I think you both need to learn to respect and love each others differences.
Good luck....
jenniferd
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Thank you. I just think that all this planning is getting to me and stressing me out!
lucamon
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I'm chinese and FH is amercian. We are not changing our religion. I've always wanted a chinese wedding but FH really want to book an american catering hall. So we compromised, we did a chinese photographer and we are also having the tea ceremony after the 'american ceremony'. My mom wanted me to print chinese invitations as well, I said no way. She's upset but you CAN'T make everyone happy. You guys seem like a happy couple. You'll make things work. I've learned that little things like invites doesn't matter, it's the fact that you guys are getting married that counts. I hope this helps. If you need to talk you can FM me.
missK
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donegal419
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i didn't... i am an Irish, practicing Catholic who married an Irish/Italian, practicing Catholic. but my SIL did marry an American Jew and there have been challenges. i think the biggest thing that has been frustrating for her is that she has been more than open to the new traditions.... married outside the Church with a rabbi, did not have certain food choices at her wedding, has attended functions, etc. for the Jewish side of the family. What i think is hard for her is that they don't reciprocate and I don't think that's fair. her husband's family do not practice (no temple on a regular basis, don't keep kosher, etc.) but she could nto have the name 'Jesus' said at her wedding or have pork served at the meal. i think when they have a child, things will only get more complicated.
i think both families need to be as open as they can because it leads to frustration when one person feels like their faith or culture is not valued. what's most important is that the couple decides what is best for them and sometimes, that requires one of the spouses to make a sacrifice, particularly if the other one does not practice. i wish you much luck!!!
jenniferd
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Thank you all. Just knowing that I'm not the only one makes me feel better. How long were you engaged to the muslim man for? My FH is muslim as well.
jenniferd
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I totally agree with you! I think that is ***** when one's religion goes unvalued! I can totally relate to ur SIL. My FH family is not reciprocating to my religion or culture and it makes it tough, but I am very willing to learn their language and more of their religion.
lucamon
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my sister is engaged to a Muslim. She has adapted his eating habits. For six years she became a vegetarian and now she only eats selected meat. We we so concerned with her diet. She has even try to learn Turkish but didn't get very far with that. I have to say, his family is not fond of my sister. It doesn't look like his family will be coming to their wedding. They are either going to elope or do a destination wedding.
Espo22
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i am christian orthodox and fh is catholic. We celebrate easter on different days but other than that it doesnt effect us. Many similarities and neither of us feel pushed by the other, we maintain our own cultures and traditions. We are also different nationalities, but have brought them together. His family has participated in our culture and vice versa
missK
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rmsgirl
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We had an interfaith marraige (Catholic/Jewish) and I have to say that we had a lot of support from everyone. We are a little older (38 & 42) and neither of us has been married before, so I think everyone was just happy for us that we found each other.
I did a lot of research in planning the wedding. DH and I talked through everything first, and then we talked to the families about what we were going to do. The most important thing is for the two of you to work things out between the two of you and then present a united front to the families.
Sometimes, it is the little things that upset people. We had both a rabbi and a deacon for the ceremony, and everyone was fine with that. However, my parents were a little taken aback that I did not choose religious music for the ceremony. However, I did research and was able to include a song that my grandpa used to sing at weddings (and sang at my parents' wedding). I also used family mementos (glass candlesticks and an old silver tray) for our altar table. My parents ended up loving the music and felt good about me being so careful to include our family traditions.
It was a lot of work to balance things out and make everyone feel that they were respected and included, but in the end it worked for us.
If you feel that you are making the majority of the accommodations and sacrifices and not getting what you need in return, then that is something that you need to work out with your FH.
BoxOfRocks
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DH and I are from different cultural backgrounds as well. Have you guys thought about pre-marital counseling? Not just for issues pertaining specifically for the wedding, but about how you will handle integrating both, neither, or each of your cultures into your lives. Using that framework, you both may be able to answer the more immediate questions about the wedding as well as establish some groundwork for the future.
Another exercise pertaining specifically for the wedding is for each of you to list, say, the top 3 or 5 items that are most important to each of you, then the next 3-5 things that are of medium importance, and the last 3-5 things that, if pressed, you could live without. Work from there to integrate the top list, then see what you can compromise on for the middle, and consider that last few the 'nice to haves.'
Good luck!
aysecik
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Hello
I can tell your FH is Turkish - so am I. I can imagine difficulties in accepting other cultures. I am very lucky, because my family is very understanding and not very religious (though they would never ever accept me converting, and I would never do that anyway), and his family is too. But my best friend (also Turkish) is having a lot of trouble with her family, who see a foreign future husband as pretty much unacceptable.
All I can wish for you is the best of luck, and patience. I hope that he appreciates the effort and sacrifice you make for him, and so does his family.
As for the favors, maybe you can do some sort of 'a bit of each culture' thing - a piece of turkish delight and a piece of your favorite candy in the same box, for example? I personally think that cultures coming together is very cool:)
jenniferd
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I had the same problem. For the 1st 4 yrs of our relationship, I was never allowed to go to his house or family functions, bc I'm not muslim. It's ok now, but I still hv to convert. Trying to learn turkish, very difficult. My FH has been to many weddings in his family where the parents haven't gone. Very hard.
