Not engaged yet...

Here's my story-

My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years and this past Labor Day he asked me what my 'timeline' was. I hadn't given it much thought, I hate having expectations I can't control, but I told him I would like to have kids at 30, be married for two years first, and engaged for at least a year before getting married. That puts enagement time this spring. He agreed that was a good timeline and told me to start looking for a ring. I was really surprised, but I guess we are both practical and not too romantic, so it works. I found a ring I love and I assume I will be getting it in the spring (after bonus). However, I know he got an early bonus a month ago, and has the money to pay for the ring already if he wanted to. It's ok though, I guess, because I know there is no real reason to expect the ring any sooner. I am trying to understand he needs time to get used to the idea of engagement and marriage. He has no reason not to stick to the 'timeline.' Right?

The other side of things is that when we discussed our timeline, I mentioned how difficult it can be to find a place you really like that isn't already booked. I asked if he wanted me to start looking at venues as well, and he said yes! I was shocked to be honest, but I love researching and planning so I was thrilled to get to start the process. I have visited 5 places so far (3 with him), and I am seeing 2 more this weekend with my mom. He already told me he doesn't want to discuss wedding stuff after work, which I understand, but it makes things difficult because booking the venue is the biggest decision! I can't decide if I should be more aggressive in telling him what I want, I'm scared of freaking him out about the whole wedding thing. I don't want him to think I will be a bridezilla.

How do you handle your guy not wanting to deal with wedding things? Did any of you start planning the wedding before the engagement?

Thanks so much for any input!

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Posted by skinny237

I would hold off with any planning until you're engaged. You'll have more fun when u r engaged. Also, if u start planning b4 he proposes, it may scare him a bit...even if he's the one talking about timeline.

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I agree. Plus, if you are going with your boyfriend to look at wedding places, in my mind you are already engaged. You just don't have the ring to show for it!

Good for you two, congratulations (almost!)
I would suggest that you figure out a ballpark budget for yourselves (i.e. how many guests, time of year for the wedding, etc). That will REALLY help narrow down the RH venues you go to see. We're having a 'small' wedding - I was able to get my DREAM venue by keeping it small. I took FH to see my dream place, he loved it, and we booked it on the spot, so I only went to see one place :)
Since then, I've kept him in the loop on all of the decisions, but he was just FINE with me planning/booking/researching everything. I was fine with that as well, it worked for us since our schedules are a challenge!
The budget is the key, having that outlined EARLY is my #1 suggestion. Its REALLY hard to find extra $$$$ AFTER you've committed to various plans and vendors!!!
HTH!!

That's what I feel like as well, 'unofficially engaged.' I had assumed I wouldn't start planning until I had a ring but he seems really interested and wants to be involved whenever he is 'in the mood' to talk about it. He works over 60 hours a week and some weekends, so I'm not sure how much of his lack of discussing is due to that. He is picky about finding a really nice place and some of the venues I have appointments at are already booked on the date I wanted. It just makes me nervous we won't be able to book the date we want if I wait until we are actually engaged! That might not be for another 6 months!

I don't think I can handle waiting to book somewhere until I am engaged, I just need to figure out how come across as not too pushy. Ugh.

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Posted by Dana57

That's what I feel like as well, 'unofficially engaged.' I had assumed I wouldn't start planning until I had a ring but he seems really interested and wants to be involved whenever he is 'in the mood' to talk about it. He works over 60 hours a week and some weekends, so I'm not sure how much of his lack of discussing is due to that. He is picky about finding a really nice place and some of the venues I have appointments at are already booked on the date I wanted. It just makes me nervous we won't be able to book the date we want if I wait until we are actually engaged! That might not be for another 6 months!

I don't think I can handle waiting to book somewhere until I am engaged, I just need to figure out how come across as not too pushy. Ugh.

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That's why we're here because we can all talk about it!

this post is kind of confusing to me....

for me - i wouldnt want to start planning anything until i was actually engaged to be married. my FH and I were living together for awhile before we were engaged (over 2 years) and even though we talked about getting engaged a lot in the months leading up to the proposal it just didnt seem right to me to do those things since he didnt actually propose to me yet or buy me a ring....

im confused about why you guys are acting like you are engaged - like visiting venues together - it seems like you are both in the mindset that you are already engaged - so why doesnt he just pop the question already?

i dont think there is a right or wrong here. it depends on how you guys feel about it. if you are comfortable looking around and booking things before you are engaged than go for it.....but i wouldnt try to push for it either.....some couples even wait awhile to start looking around even after they are engaged.....unless you plan on having a short engagement (less than a year) than i dont see what the rush is......

i dont want you to take this post the wrong way - but i just feel like you are pushing a little bit - i just think that sometimes doing these things too early takes away from the excitement of the engagement.....booking the RH was soooo exciting for FH and I - it was the first thing that made us feel like the engagement was 'real' - it was the first time i felt like it wasnt a dream and i was actually getting married - it was an amazing day for us......

well good luck and hopefully you get that ring soon!!

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Posted by Future Mulligan

this post is kind of confusing to me....

for me - i wouldnt want to start planning anything until i was actually engaged to be married. my FH and I were living together for awhile before we were engaged (over 2 years) and even though we talked about getting engaged a lot in the months leading up to the proposal it just didnt seem right to me to do those things since he didnt actually propose to me yet or buy me a ring....

im confused about why you guys are acting like you are engaged - like visiting venues together - it seems like you are both in the mindset that you are already engaged - so why doesnt he just pop the question already?

i dont think there is a right or wrong here. it depends on how you guys feel about it. if you are comfortable looking around and booking things before you are engaged than go for it.....but i wouldnt try to push for it either.....some couples even wait awhile to start looking around even after they are engaged.....unless you plan on having a short engagement (less than a year) than i dont see what the rush is......

i dont want you to take this post the wrong way - but i just feel like you are pushing a little bit - i just think that sometimes doing these things too early takes away from the excitement of the engagement.....booking the RH was soooo exciting for FH and I - it was the first thing that made us feel like the engagement was 'real' - it was the first time i felt like it wasnt a dream and i was actually getting married - it was an amazing day for us......

well good luck and hopefully you get that ring soon!!

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I agree with all the above.

Why are you pushing to book a venue when you are not formally engaged ? The fact that your boyfriend does not want to talk about any wedding stuff is raising caution bells in my mind.
Does he want to get married ? Planning a wedding is second to planning a marriage.
The wedding is only the party. The marriage is a lifetime commitment to each other.

Something just does not sound right here.

I was pretty freaked out when he told me to start looking for a ring to be honest. I had made several comments about not being in any rush to get married and I was surprised he was so gung ho about getting the process started. I agree about 'why hasn't he just popped the question?' I'm hoping he is trying to keep some of the romance by surprising me with the ring when he does the actual proposal? He was very active in the ring search, he even went to the diamond district on his own one day to learn more about everything and has called the jeweler several times from what I can tell.

It makes me laugh because before he asked me about my timeline and we started looking at venues, I had wanted to keep the whole wedding thing to a minimum and focus on starting a life together. He is the one that made the budget and made it way more than I wanted to spend (I don't want my parents to pay for the wedding, so we are covering the whole thing). I keep trying to look at less expensive places, but he keeps insisting we have the best wedding possible since we will only do it once.

I am very conservative and try not to make assumptions, so I would never have started looking so seriously if I didn't have 100% positive signals from him. He is just being a typical boy and wants to watch football on Sunday I suppose I guess I just need to vent and maybe see how anyone else has dealt....

Thanks for all your help, it is so nice being able to talk about this!

I'd really hold off on the searching and booking of a venue...even though he said its okay... once u really get down to bisness, it might actually scare him into not proposing just yet.... Guys def need time to get adjusted to the idea of marriage... Once I stopped bothering FH about it, he began to look into rings and stuff ON HIS OWN...

Honestly, you wil get your venue... its still early.... And PS: Its great to plan everythign out before you're engaged and get an idea of everything BUT once you got that ring on your finger, planning suckssssss.... You actually have to make a budget to work with which you dont have when you're 'almost engaged'

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Posted by Colette

Good for you two, congratulations (almost!)
I would suggest that you figure out a ballpark budget for yourselves (i.e. how many guests, time of year for the wedding, etc). That will REALLY help narrow down the RH venues you go to see. We're having a 'small' wedding - I was able to get my DREAM venue by keeping it small. I took FH to see my dream place, he loved it, and we booked it on the spot, so I only went to see one place :)
Since then, I've kept him in the loop on all of the decisions, but he was just FINE with me planning/booking/researching everything. I was fine with that as well, it worked for us since our schedules are a challenge!
The budget is the key, having that outlined EARLY is my #1 suggestion. Its REALLY hard to find extra $$$$ AFTER you've committed to various plans and vendors!!!
HTH!!

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Oh yes, date, budget and wedding size (probably around 125) are already set. We are very practical and thorough

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Posted by Dana57

Oh yes, date, budget and wedding size (probably around 125) are already set. We are very practical and thorough

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OK, that's a great start!
why not look here, Wedding Sites and Services - W'Chester
i chose Region=W'chester and sorted the list by capacity. So at least you can see the venues that would be appropriate for the size you need, and there are links to each one's webpage. Just change the region if you're not interested in W'chester!
Good luck!!! I started 'looking' (on my own of course) well before we were engaged. We lived together for 5 years prior so I felt comfortable making a start on the planning in advance of the ring too. Good luck!!

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Posted by Colette

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Posted by Dana57

Oh yes, date, budget and wedding size (probably around 125) are already set. We are very practical and thorough

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OK, that's a great start!
why not look here, Wedding Sites and Services - W'Chester
i chose Region=W'chester and sorted the list by capacity. So at least you can see the venues that would be appropriate for the size you need, and there are links to each one's webpage. Just change the region if you're not interested in W'chester!
Good luck!!! I started 'looking' (on my own of course) well before we were engaged. We lived together for 5 years prior so I felt comfortable making a start on the planning in advance of the ring too. Good luck!!

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Thanks, that site is great, I have used it before too! I actually think I have it narrowed down to Glen Island, Mamaroneck or Tappan Hill (i have another post asking for opinions on them).

I guess the other reason I'm confident in looking in advance is similar to you- we have been living together for about a year and before I moved in he stuck with me and completely supported me during a really really awful part of my life.

Thanks for your help Colette, I'm glad you understand where I am coming from!

I was on here and was looking at halls and vendors before I got the ring. I booked my hall, photographer and DJ a few days before he popped the question.
I knew Fh had the setting and was waiting on the diamond. If you feel strongly that he is going to pop the question, I see no reason why not to look and do some research. I knew Fh had the setting and was waiting on the diamond