My boyfriend and I have been dating for over two years and this past Labor Day he asked me what my 'timeline' was. I hadn't given it much thought, I hate having expectations I can't control, but I told him I would like to have kids at 30, be married for two years first, and engaged for at least a year before getting married. That puts enagement time this spring. He agreed that was a good timeline and told me to start looking for a ring. I was really surprised, but I guess we are both practical and not too romantic, so it works. I found a ring I love and I assume I will be getting it in the spring (after bonus). However, I know he got an early bonus a month ago, and has the money to pay for the ring already if he wanted to. It's ok though, I guess, because I know there is no real reason to expect the ring any sooner. I am trying to understand he needs time to get used to the idea of engagement and marriage. He has no reason not to stick to the 'timeline.' Right?
The other side of things is that when we discussed our timeline, I mentioned how difficult it can be to find a place you really like that isn't already booked. I asked if he wanted me to start looking at venues as well, and he said yes! I was shocked to be honest, but I love researching and planning so I was thrilled to get to start the process. I have visited 5 places so far (3 with him), and I am seeing 2 more this weekend with my mom. He already told me he doesn't want to discuss wedding stuff after work, which I understand, but it makes things difficult because booking the venue is the biggest decision! I can't decide if I should be more aggressive in telling him what I want, I'm scared of freaking him out about the whole wedding thing. I don't want him to think I will be a bridezilla.
How do you handle your guy not wanting to deal with wedding things? Did any of you start planning the wedding before the engagement?
Thanks so much for any input!
beram63
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Member since
Re: Not engaged yet...
just from a practical standpoint, there's NO WAY i'd sign a contact for a rh before the engagement was official. too much potential to get messy if the worst should actually happen. call me a pessimist.
on the other hand, if he's asking about your timeline (a concept that terrifies lots of men) and encouraging you to research vendors, he's probably pretty comfortable with the prospect of getting engaged. maybe he's using the promise of spring to throw you off so the proposal is a surprise??? crazier things have happened.
lucamon
Posted:
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Re: Not engaged yet...
I think he's waiting for the perfect time to proposed. Don't worry, when the time comes it will be a surprise! As far as booking a reception hall, I would hold off on that. Most places only book 1 year ahead.
mrsjpc3
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Re: Not engaged yet...
I am all for doing research on prices, halls, etc. but I certainly wouldnt book a thing until you are formally engaged. I think you will have plenty of time to plan. unless you want a super short engagement, I think you should hold off on the planning for now. good luck
babieblueeyez96
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Re: Not engaged yet...
yea i would hold off until you are def engaged, youll have plenty of time them to plan it all
melonhead
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Re: Not engaged yet...
i don't understand how you're not engaged, if you've both decided that you should get married. doesn't that make you engaged?
ratherbealeper
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Re: Not engaged yet...
i guess every relationship is different and some people have a more rigid engagement... asking parents, proposing with ring in hand etc. And others have a more organic deal.
I see no harm in doing research and checking stuff out but I would be wary to start booking and putting down deposits. I wish you all the luck in the world, but I think you just need to be careful before you jump in without a committment being made (whether is monetarily in the form of a ring as awful as that sounds or whether its a social/emotional commitment such as announcing the engagement to relatives and friends)
Dana57
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Re: Not engaged yet...
Thanks for your input! I think that is a good point, waiting until we officially annouce our engagement before we book the place, even if that is before I get a ring. There is no need for a ring, if we both want to get married that is all that matters!
GinaBambina08
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Member since
Re: Not engaged yet...
FH and I had similar talks about marriage before we got engaged...and I didn't want to start planning with him until I got the ring on my finger, so I would just plan on my own. I would be a lurker here and I created a list of halls I liked, and then literally the weekend after he proposed, we looked at all of them, and booked right away! Depending on the season you're having your wedding, you can book closer to the date....for example, winter and early spring weddings aren't that popular...so you can book dates during that time period only a couple of months before your actual wedding date.. HTH!
TheFutureMrsM
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Member since
Re: Not engaged yet...
I was in a similar situation so i have some advice
We were living together for over 2 years and knew we wanted to get married, at first we thought it would of been in 2007, but there was no way, with all the stuff we had going on, my sister got married and had a baby this year, and we had 7 weddings to go to!!!
We also bought a house in 2006 and got our permits this summer to start construction.
We knew we wanted to get married, but he didnt have the ring yet, i had gone to pick it out and everything we were just waiting to get it...
We went to look at halls, photographers etc, before i had my ring and proposal. No one said anything, or looked at me weird, our family kept asking wheres the ring, but there were logistics as to why i didnt have it.
and we booked our hall in Nov 2006 because we wanted a specific date. I dont blame you things book up fast and if he is going to catering halls with you, i am sure he wants to marry you. My FH works crazy hours, he is actually getting a 2nd cold back to back because he has run himself into the ground, most of the time the last thing he wants to do is talk wedding stuff, especially with the house constructoin going on.
I would keep your search open, and tell him its ok to look at places and book it before its official with a ring because you are going to loose out on the date you want.
failurebydsign
Posted:
Member since
Re: Not engaged yet...
dont sweat it..my whole wedding was planned before i got the ring..i actually asked Fh and he said yes thinking i was kidding..but the hall dj photog and video and my dress was bought like 3 months later
i asked him 11-10-06 and i had everything planned by 2-28-07 and didnt get a ring until 6-1-07
christiegl
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Re: Not engaged yet...
it's ok. planning helps you figure out how much money you'll be needing to spend. just wait for the ring, it will be so worth it when you get it!
bigrd37
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Re: Not engaged yet...
do whatever you feel is right. FH and i started looking at rings in feb/march 07. i did some research and called a few places. there were only 3 places left for the date we were looking for, so we booked our RH in May. I didn't get the ring until August though. It was kind of disappointing doing research and planning without a ring, but in reality it's just a technicality (even though i wanted it, just like everyone else!). We were engaged in our minds and the few people who know we were already planning.
If you don't feel comfortable until you have a ring, then that is fine, but it's fine if you want to start booking also. I had another friend that booked vendors before getting the ring and i was pleasantly surprised i wasn't the only one on LIW that did this also!
Also, if you want to talk to your boyfriend about wedding plans you have to ask him to set aside some time to discuss it. My FH didn't want to talk about it, but I told him we HAD to discuss it, no way around it. So he picked one day that week and we talked about everything, or as much as we could that day. And when something needed to be discussed, we picked a time and discussed it.
HTH! Good luck with everything
JoesFutureWife
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Member since
Re: Not engaged yet...
(Almost congrats!) I agree with the previous posts....wait until you are engaged so it is more special. Even though he gave you a timeline, try not to think about it because when it actaully does happen, it is the best feeling in the world! I couldnt sleep or eat for 2 weeks after he proposed b/c i was so shocked lol (he proposed the day/night before thanksgiving and i couldnt eat ANYTHING!!!!!!!!) I will never forget that surprise! Good luck!!
jeanla4c
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Member since
Re: Not engaged yet...
I don't have anything to add since only you can figure out what is right for you guys BUT I just wanted to say try to be careful with timelines since there are so many things beyond our control, nothing wrong with having them and workign to meet them but I know for me when I fell off my 'timeline' I felt depressed....but when I hit moments in life they felt 'right' for me despite what I originally wanted...GOOD LUCK with everything!!!
carolinebr
Posted:
Member since
Re: Not engaged yet...
I may be in the minority here but this is what I told my recently engaged SIL:
'Once you get the ring, ENJOY BEING ENGAGED. Do not plan anything for ONE MONTH. Just enjoy being engaged. Its a once in a lifetime feeling. And its over before you know it. Just enjoy each other for 1 month. THEN do the planning.'
Planning a wedding is GREAT but it is also stressful. And it can cause fights. Just look at the posts on here that say 'FIL issue, BM problem, MOB issue' etc... Once planning kicks in, you may find yourself at odds with the people you love, including your fiance. So I wouldn't rush into it.
Book your hall if you must but hold off on making yourself crazy with details as long as you can. If you want to talk about the wedding, come on this board & chat with us. Don't talk about it 24/7 with him. You'll make him nuts.
GOOD LUCK!!!!
Bellez95
Posted:
Member since
Re: Not engaged yet...
a ring is just a ring yeah you want it but If he he helping you plan with a budget and going to check out venues I think its safe to say you are pretty much engaged. I had a ring and my FH didn't look at venues or anything with me. I know he is excited to be getting married but he wants no part in the planning.
Congrats to you. You guys know what you want and I dont see the problem in planning ahead expecially if you want a saturday June wedding. Good luck
