Not inviting someone's husband???? UPDATE

My mom has a friend, who everyone just adores, but she is married to a real jerk. EVERYONE agrees that we don't want him at the wedding, because this is the type of person who would stand up in the middle of the ceremony and shout 'I object' just for his own kicks (and sadly enough, given his behavior at a gathering I had for family and friends a few weeks ago, I actually don't doubt it). My parents also don't want him there, FH doesn't want him there, and I certainly don't want him there.

How can we manage to invite my mom's friend and her daughter but not the husband? If you were my mom, how would you broach the subject with her friend?

UPDATE - In response to some of your posts - not inviting her is NOT an option. She is my mom's best friend and literally like my aunt. She is the one going with me to fittings when the time comes, because my mom lives far away, and was even with me when I bought my dress!

wow, that's a really hard one...

...I really don't have any advice for you, but do wish you the best of luck!

i don't think it's a good idea to not invite the jerk...to play devil's advocate...how would you feel being told to leave your DH at home...or if someone invited your Mom & not your Dad...i'd just ask her to keep him in 'check' or assign some people to 'babysit him'...or just not invite the family at all....if you are having a DOC this is the perfect opportunity to put them to good use! Sorry i am not much help...good luck!

---

How can we manage to invite my mom's friend and her daughter but not the husband?

---

It's a difficult position for you and I sympathize. But it's rude not to invite the spouse. Even if he's a jerk.

---

If you were my mom, how would you broach the subject with her friend?

---

Does your mom's friend know that your mom feels this way about her husband? Even if the answer is yes, I doubt not inviting him or even talking about not inviting him will strengthen their friendship.

I fear that this scenario won't play out well no matter what. If you invite him, he may act up, as you predicted. But if your mom talks to her friend, their relationship may be damaged. Even if your mom excludes the husband on the invitation, don't you think her jerky husband will raise hell about it and his wife and their daughter will end up staying home anyway? Weigh the alternatives and go with the one that stinks the least.

Best of luck in a difficult situation.

Personally I wouldn't invite any of them.I know that sounds harsh but you simply cannot invite her with the stipulation that she not bring her husband. It's a shame but a man like that cannot be reasoned with because he probably sees nothing wrong with his behavior.

My uncle will not be invited to my wedding for this very reason -- he will drink too much and say terrible things. More than one family gathering has been ruined because of him and I won't tolerate it at my wedding.

---

Posted by PegaLega

Hate to say it but this is a line I would not dare cross, you cant invite the wife without the husband, it is rude in just about every aspect. I understand that obviously there is a fear there but maybe the wife or someone can tell him not the play stupid games...im sorry I dont have better advice. I know I would be livid if my husband wasnt invited-but then again he wouldnt act like a child

---

ITA. You're in a really sh!tty situation, but in this case, a married couple is a package deal. If you don't want to invite the husband, then you shouldn't invite the wife....It s^cks, but as Peggie said, if someone invited me to a wedding without my husband, I'd be furious, and vice versa.

If you do end up inviting them all, I'll keep my fingers crossed that he'll be on his best behavior.

---

Posted by nycgirl79

---

Posted by PegaLega

Hate to say it but this is a line I would not dare cross, you cant invite the wife without the husband, it is rude in just about every aspect. I understand that obviously there is a fear there but maybe the wife or someone can tell him not the play stupid games...im sorry I dont have better advice. I know I would be livid if my husband wasnt invited-but then again he wouldnt act like a child

---

ITA. You're in a really sh!tty situation, but in this case, a married couple is a package deal. If you don't want to invite the husband, then you shouldn't invite the wife....It s^cks, but as Peggie said, if someone invited me to a wedding without my husband, I'd be furious, and vice versa.

If you do end up inviting them all, I'll keep my fingers crossed that he'll be on his best behavior.

---

OMG im so not hijacking but you spelled my name right I think you might be a first

---

Posted by PegaLega

---

Posted by nycgirl79

---

Posted by PegaLega

Hate to say it but this is a line I would not dare cross, you cant invite the wife without the husband, it is rude in just about every aspect. I understand that obviously there is a fear there but maybe the wife or someone can tell him not the play stupid games...im sorry I dont have better advice. I know I would be livid if my husband wasnt invited-but then again he wouldnt act like a child

---

ITA. You're in a really sh!tty situation, but in this case, a married couple is a package deal. If you don't want to invite the husband, then you shouldn't invite the wife....It s^cks, but as Peggie said, if someone invited me to a wedding without my husband, I'd be furious, and vice versa.

If you do end up inviting them all, I'll keep my fingers crossed that he'll be on his best behavior.

---

OMG im so not hijacking but you spelled my name right I think you might be a first

---

lol... back at ya. After almost 25,000 posts, and all the helpful comments you've made, it's the least I can do!

---

Posted by nycgirl79

---

Posted by PegaLega

---

Posted by nycgirl79

---

Posted by PegaLega

Hate to say it but this is a line I would not dare cross, you cant invite the wife without the husband, it is rude in just about every aspect. I understand that obviously there is a fear there but maybe the wife or someone can tell him not the play stupid games...im sorry I dont have better advice. I know I would be livid if my husband wasnt invited-but then again he wouldnt act like a child

---

ITA. You're in a really sh!tty situation, but in this case, a married couple is a package deal. If you don't want to invite the husband, then you shouldn't invite the wife....It s^cks, but as Peggie said, if someone invited me to a wedding without my husband, I'd be furious, and vice versa.

If you do end up inviting them all, I'll keep my fingers crossed that he'll be on his best behavior.

---

OMG im so not hijacking but you spelled my name right I think you might be a first

---

lol... back at ya. After almost 25,000 posts, and all the helpful comments you've made, it's the least I can do!

---

aw you are sweet

---

Posted by PegaLega

---

Posted by nycgirl79

---

Posted by PegaLega

---

Posted by nycgirl79

---

Posted by PegaLega

Hate to say it but this is a line I would not dare cross, you cant invite the wife without the husband, it is rude in just about every aspect. I understand that obviously there is a fear there but maybe the wife or someone can tell him not the play stupid games...im sorry I dont have better advice. I know I would be livid if my husband wasnt invited-but then again he wouldnt act like a child

---

ITA. You're in a really sh!tty situation, but in this case, a married couple is a package deal. If you don't want to invite the husband, then you shouldn't invite the wife....It s^cks, but as Peggie said, if someone invited me to a wedding without my husband, I'd be furious, and vice versa.

If you do end up inviting them all, I'll keep my fingers crossed that he'll be on his best behavior.

---

OMG im so not hijacking but you spelled my name right I think you might be a first

---

lol... back at ya. After almost 25,000 posts, and all the helpful comments you've made, it's the least I can do!

---

aw you are sweet

---

Can you tell that to my husband?!

I think you can't really invite one without the other--especially family friends like that. Plus, a lot of people are dumb and don't realize that even if they're not on the invitation, they're not invited.

(I used to think this was rudeness, plain and simple until FH tried to bring me to his ex's wedding when I was not invited. It took a few patient conversations (including bringing my mom in to verify) before he was convinced that he could not simply write in 2 on the RSVP card.

UGH what a situation. I feel your pain but have to take up the same view as several people...as much as you do not want to invite him you have to IF you plan to invite the others because if you do NOT invite him, its going to draw a line in the sand and alienate both the friend and her daughter because frankly I am SURE they know what a jerk he is, but to have you 'point it out' by not inviting him.... They're going to be offended. Its a slap in their face essentially and the friend would probably be mortified and humiliated and it would open a WHOLE other can of worms.

So I say grin and bear it and him or do not invite any of them.

i think you have to invite him. however maybe she knows that her husband is intolerable at social events. she may surprise you and rsvp with just her.

but i do think that he has to be invited. it is only right


good luck

I agree that unfortunately you have to invite them as a package deal. I would have suggested inviting neither, but that isn't an option according to your update, so you need to invite them both.

You or your mom can tell her that you know he has a tendency to ____ during ceremonies but you are trusting her to absolutely make sure he remains silent. You can joke around about it, but hit home how important it is for him to behave. Crappy situation, but there is nothing you can really do.