Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

tbone66 Posted: Sep 07, 2007 01:46 PM

Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

My FMIL is pretty religious (she's christian). We are having an interfaith ceremony with a Pastor and a Rabbi. I am part jewish but not really religious.

FMIL wants to do a reading. I picked out a reading that I liked and apparently she was insulted because she wants to do a longer reading. W are getting married in 21 days. We are getting married at the RH and it is a 30 minute ceremony and I am concerned that we are going to go over the time limit.

My issue is that she is not telling me which reading she is doing. Also, I am nervous because I have heard her do 'readings' and they are more like bible study class that last a really long time.

I'm not sure how to handle this situation because i know that its a delicate subject because she takes religion really seriously.

How would you handle this?

MissAngel Posted: Sep 07, 2007 01:52 PM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

I would SOOOOOO make my FH speak to her about this and I would make sure that he was 100% in line with me before he did. How does he feel about this? It is NOT alright that she's going over you, picking her own reading and not telling you...you have every right to be upset Sorry she's causing you such stress

08JulyBride Posted: Sep 07, 2007 01:56 PM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

I agree to have FH sspeak to her, assuming he agrees with you

tbone66 Posted: Sep 07, 2007 01:58 PM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

well, this is a tough one because FH feels bad that his mother hasn't been involved more. She lives 5 hours away.

He also doesn't seem to think it is as necessary to know exactly what is going to be said before the ceremony. I would like to make the programs and get the timing set before we meet the Rabbi on Tuesday for our final meeting.

DeannaNDave07 Posted: Sep 07, 2007 01:59 PM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

yea you should really have your FH speak with her. does she realize that the ceremony is only 30 min long?? its really not alot of time at all, if he tells her that maybe she will understand

DanNette Posted: Sep 07, 2007 02:00 PM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

Oh, this is touchy...! I would try to have FH talk to her. She is totally entitled to her beliefs, but you don't want her changing the tone of your ceremony. I might also mention to her again the reading you picked out and explain to her why you picked it and what it means to you. She might not agree with your beliefs, but maybe she can understand that you feel passionately towards it and may change her mind.

stress your time limit too!!!

meg193 Posted: Sep 07, 2007 02:06 PM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

I would call her up myself and explain that you only have 30 minutes for the ceremony and that you did a trial run and there wa only 2 minutes for the reading. If that doesn't work get FH involved. I have always found that it is easier to handle things myself.

JennysMOH Posted: Sep 07, 2007 02:11 PM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

If FH does not want to talk to her about it how about getting the Priest that is doing the Christian part of the ceremony to call her and ask her to give him the reading because he needs to know what it is.

For example, for my sister's wedding the Deacon and Priest had to be given the readings prior to the wedding so they could use them as part of their homilies. This explaination can be used with your FMIL.

Good Luck

tbone66 Posted: Sep 07, 2007 02:13 PM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

The pastor is a friend of FMIL (it gets even more complicated....). The Pastor has not really been getting back to the Rabbi either.

I have never been to a 'christian' wedding only Cathlic so maybe they don't plan the ceremony as exact beforehand

JennysMOH Posted: Sep 07, 2007 02:18 PM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

Are you doing a program??? You can always say that you are planning on doing a program that has all the readings and that you need her reading and then at the last moment tell her you changed your mind because there is not enough time to do the program. This way hopefully you can see the reading.

MissAngel Posted: Sep 07, 2007 02:19 PM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

Ugh...that's pretty complex... Do you think she would be open to some sort of compromise? Like you pick 3 pretty different readings and then tell her that it has to be one of those 3? That way she still gets the freedom of choosing...you're just making sure that she has safe options. That's how my FH & I have planneed the whole wedding - I narrow it down to 3 & then let him choose

jtgarsik Posted: Sep 07, 2007 02:28 PM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

I would sit down and talk to her WITH your FH...i think she'll respect you more if u talk with her too, and that way you'll hear first hand, and be able to say first hand how you feel, and explain yourself. I'm sure it'll be fine and everything will work itself out. Bottom line, its YOUR wedding day, let her show you what she has planned and give a listen....then if you have a reading you really would like to be read you need to voice that and tell her. good luck!

jtgarsik Posted: Sep 07, 2007 02:29 PM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

Posted by DanNette

Oh, this is touchy...! I would try to have FH talk to her. She is totally entitled to her beliefs, but you don't want her changing the tone of your ceremony. I might also mention to her again the reading you picked out and explain to her why you picked it and what it means to you. She might not agree with your beliefs, but maybe she can understand that you feel passionately towards it and may change her mind.

stress your time limit too!!!

well said!

Lemons Posted: Sep 07, 2007 02:35 PM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

I would ABSOLUTELY have FH handle this. Don't stress yourself over it.

DrWho Posted: Sep 07, 2007 03:24 PM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

The readings are your selection, not hers. Even if you allow her to pick, not informing you of exactly what is going to be said is NOT OK. AT ALL. If I could make the text taller, I would.

PegaLega Posted: Sep 08, 2007 02:04 AM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

Your FMIL needs to understand this one thing, the readings that you choose usually reflect your relationship with FH, just explain it to her that way, if you arent comfortable have FH do it.

ChristineAaron08 Posted: Sep 08, 2007 09:52 AM

Re: Not sure how to handle FMIL issue

I would have FH tell her you need to know the reading for the programs and about how long it is. Tell her the officiants need to know to organize the timing ot the ceremony.

I hope everything works out!!