Not sure how to handle this....

So I have an issue that I had been battling with for a while. At first I had decided that I was not going to invite my father's side of the family to the wedding due to my estranged relationship with all of them, well almost all of them except for a few cousins. My dad and I have had a rocky relationship for the past few years for various reasons. Well, he had a heart attack last year and that was when I decided enough is enough and I tried slowly to repair my bond with him. Once I got engaged I asked him if he even wanted his name on our invitations and he told me it was up to me and FH.

I then decided that I wanted the rest of the family there. I had been going over it for about a month before I made the decision and FH was really supportive about it because he knew how much this meant to me. My mom was supportive of it too and is even help me to cover the expense for the extra people. So now I'm slowly getting back with the family and my grandparents but still walking on eggshells about it because I'm nervous.

So anyways here's where it gets upsetting. My dad was acting weird like not returning voicemails and not answering calls etc. I even invited him to the taste testing and he didn't show. He told me he'd 'check his schedule'. Well guess his schedule booked up. Then on the day of the testing I called him and I missed his call when he called back. He leaves me a voicemail saying 'It's Henry' instead of 'It's me' or 'It's dad'. I found that upsetting like he forgot who he was leaving a message for. Spoke to my grandmother about it and I asked if he was okay and she said he's fine and that she sees him and the gf alot. It seems like everyone in the family is seeing him but me. So then that's when my grandmother drops the bomb. She tells me 'Did you hear your father is getting married?' I said umm no, when? She tells me this coming october. I asked follow up questions like about a reception, invitations, shower, etc. All she tells me is hes getting married in a church. Won't tell me what church. So now I don't know where hes getting married or what day or if anyone else is invited. I was never told this by him and that upsets me that in 2 months he and the gf will be getting married and he never even told me. No one in the family told me and then suddenly my grandmother springs this on me. So now here it will be 2 months before my wedding and I have a feeling my bridal shower will be in October sometime but I don't know for sure so now I don't know if my family will come or anything because for all I know they might be at his wedding. Oh and the best part is, my grandmother told me not to say anything. Why I have no idea. So now FH is upset because he feels my dad should have told me and he doesn't feel its right I'm forced into secrecy and can't even confront my dad about it. I found this all out Sunday at my cousin's jewelry party. FH texted my mom and her bf, who has become like a dad to me, and they met up with me afterward to talk to me about it. My mom's worried about me I can tell because she calls me even more to check in on me.

I'm torn between wanting to punch something or someone and breaking down crying. My soon to be FIL even said what my dad is doing is stupid and I shouldnt be told not to say anything. I find that I've been very angry and like bipolar since that day and I just want to stop feeling this way, but it's like my frustration has no outlet right now and it scares me a little. Anyway ladies sorry for the long rant but any feedback will help. I don't know if any of this has happened to you or someone you know but any advice is much appreciated

That is the most ridiculous scenario I've heard of yet. Your father is in the center of it all. If it were me... I would confront him with the information and not tell him where I'd heard it. This whole secret-keeping thing is dysfunctional as well. If you weren't allowed to do anything with the information then your grandmother shouldn't have told you. (Kind of makes me wonder if this is where your father is learning his behavior from... but I digress.)

Why would your father be afraid to tell you he's getting married again? Is it purely due to the date? Does he not want your mom to know (and he figures, if you know - then she'll know)?

It sounds like your mind has exploded into many different fragments over this. As far as your bridal shower goes, your maids and your mom will make sure it happens on a day that is different from the wedding. I'm sure by that time, all the information about HIS wedding will be known.

I think you need a face to face with your dad. Perhaps he doesn't know what you expect from him when you invited him back into your life and maybe if you explain exactly what you're looking for from him (More than likely nothing) he'll chill out with you.

Please understand though... we can't pick our dads. So many of us have grown up thinking that our dad should have been the guy on the Folgers commercials, or 'Mr. Brady', but the reality is often the stark contrast. Your dad sounds like he's got his own issues going on. If you're able to confront him on this calmly, you can also use it as a springboard to tell him that he should be coming to you with important information. You're not going to freak out on him and it's better you learn about important matters through him and not the family grapevine. Once he feels safe in telling you things it may change things around.

I hope that helped.

Thank you for the replies. I have been very much back and forth with this mulling it over in my head over and over and over again. So I have an update to the situation. I called my grandmother yesterday to thank her for her card and engagement gift. She did not get my address until Sunday at my cousin's party.

So I told my grandmother basically that I hate that this is a secret and that I don't understand why my father didn't tell me. Both my mom and I had called him the other day and he finally called me back and STILL didn't say anything. So my grandmother's solution? She'll let the info 'slip' when she sees him next. I have no freaking clue what that meant but she's not all there sometimes, mostly she's sharp as a tack but she has her moments.

So I asked her when she was told about the wedding. She told me a while ago like possibly like 2 months ago or so. I asked her if he only told her and she said no he told the entire family. I asked her if she is going and she said she is and basically told me no matter what happens or happened he is still her son. So I basically was like 'so everyone was told but me?' she got silent and didn't really know what to say and still won't tell me what date. Now my mom wants to know so that if it's the same date as my shower perhaps something can be worked out so that my family can attend both. I told her at this point if they're keeping secrets from me I don't give two sh*ts if they come because this is childish bs.

So then my grandmother tells me that no matter what happened in the past, I'm still her granddaughter and the family still loves me. Then she tells me I should try and call my dad more often because 'he misses me'. This was clearly another senile moment because I was telling her over and over that I was calling him each week and giving him time to call me back, which he wasn't doing. I basically told my grandmother that I had apologized to my dad (in a voicemail) for being difficult in the past and for anything I may have said and done to hurt him or his gf. I explained that I am an adult and I explained to my grandmother that the reason why I strayed from the family is bc of the problems my dad and I had for years after the divorce. He had applied for an annulment through the catholic church which really upset me and it was a lot of back and forth fighting that. I also told my grandmother that I'm doing everything I can to get back with the family and I don't appreciate secrets. My mother is livid and feels like cursing him out bc she sees this is putting me in turmoil and really messing with my head.

Meanwhile, my dad had told my FH in a letter that he felt we weren't a family bc I didn't invite him to my graduation when I got my Master's. So I clarified that by informing him that I didn't even go to that. So now this is how I'm repayed? You're pissed about a graduation yet you don't invite your only daughter to your wedding?

McC2McM - you're right, my mind has exploded and it's like I don't even know where the pieces went. I'm not trying to hog all the attention for my wedding and my bridal shower but not for nothing, my dad knew about my engagement and the wedding date since April of this year. Meanwhile he hasn't even sent a card and doesn't even seem to be interested in an idea my mother presented to him about getting together one night with me, mom, mom's bf, FH and his family with him and his gf. Didn't even acknowledge that part of her voicemail. My dad only met FH once last June at my cousin's wedding and knows nothing about him. Doesn't seem like he cares to know which also hurts FH.

Oh well, at least I have what family I have left and my doggies lol. Which by the way, I told him I adopted a puppy last month and being a dog lover, doesn't even care to ask about it. Makes me feel like he'll want nothing to do with my children down the road and I am NOT letting him ruin their self-esteem the way he ruined mine.

Rant over.

i feel so horrible that this is happening during what should be the happiest time of your life. you cant choose your parents - but thank god you have a mother who loves you and supports you and is there for you.
my father and i have a sticky situation too - i invited him but he didnt want 'everyone staring' at him so he didnt come. and he still hasnt even met my husband. but its his loss. his absence was felt that day but i didnt let it ruin the day for me.
i think you should just keep your eyes forward on the future and not on the past. there's nothing you can do to change this situation - its completely out of your control. it sucks that your dad cant be there to support you and guide you. but clearly this is his choice. you will have a beatiful wedding and just remember to look ahead of you, not behind you.

Mrs2012 - I'm so sorry to hear about your situation with your dad. But it's also nice to see someone who sees what I'm dealing with. In all honesty I would rather have my father talk to me and tell me the truth rather than dance around it like he's doing. I think it would help things a lot more. I'm glad to see you didn't let the situation with your dad ruin your wedding. I'm very thankful for my mother and I will even be having a dance with her in place of one with my father. She's one hell of a fighter since the divorce and she's so excited about the wedding. She's having her dress made and even had me go with her to talk to the seamstress about it to get my approval even though I love her style and I don't think she needed my approval lol

I know my mother and FH and his family are worried about me and how this will affect the wedding day. FH is worried that my father is saying he is coming and then will decide not to show up. His theory is that if my dad is lying about his own wedding and doing all of this underhanded stuff, then what else is he hiding? But you're right, I just have to remember that everything hes doing is his choice and I cant change that. If he does invite everyone under the sun to his wedding except his own daughter, then he will remember that years down the road and it will be his own fault. I have to realize that I am giving 1,000% to try and fix this relationship and if he's not even going to put in .001% effort, then its not going to happen. I just wish I would stop mulling this over and obsessing over it. It's starting to hurt my health since I got sick this week with what I think could be possibly an upper respiratory infection, which explains why I'm up at 4:45am on a Saturday lol. But anyways thank you for your words of support and thank you to all the other posters that have offered me support as well. I knew I made the right decision when I turned to my fellow brides for advice.