Not sure how to handle this situation...

I am trying to figure how to make this huge 9 month long story very short. So, here is how. My MOH has not done ONE thing for me. She was in Nursing school (which I understood) she didn't make it to the bridal shower, bachelorette party, and she can't make it to the rehearsal dinner. I feel like I have been very understanding, but what hurts me the most is she didn't even reach out to the other girls in my bridal party to tell them what my interests are or what I might like. But, I let that slide too. Since she is not a girly girl I thought maybe she just didn't know any better. Mind you, she has not said one nice thing to me about me or my wedding, and she is totally not interested. Actually, when I told her we were gonna have breakfast(early wedding) & Mimosas while we were getting ready she said she doesn't understand why I have to have Mimosas and that I better have coffee. At this point, I wanted to say, ***** YOU SHOULD BE THE ONE BRINGING THE COFFEE BECAUSE ARE THE MATRON OF HONOR AND HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING ELSE! But, I kept my cool and said of course there will be coffee! When I try talking to her about she says ' I told you once, and I will tell you once again, you wanted this' So now I find out that her husband has been cheating on her for a year with a girl that they work with (all 3 of them work at the same hospital) and he admitted to it. So, here I am trying to be understanding, and she pushes me away! I understand she is going thru a lot and I asked her if she still wants to be in the wedding and come, she said yes. But, I haven't even talked to her, things feel so awkward and weird, and I don't want her ruining my big day, and bringing down the mood while we are all getting ready. I feel like I don't even know who she is anymore and to top it all off everyone is prepping about if she doesn't show because they all think she won't come!

So, here is my question....what do I do! I feel like she is waiting for me to tell her she doesn't have to be in the bridal party, but If I tell her something along those lines I feel like she might try and make this out to be my fault. At this point, I don't even want her in my bridal party because I don't trust her. I don't know if she will show up, come late, be in a bad mood, I haven't even seen her in MONTHS (she lives 5 hours away)Everyone is telling me that I have to say something, but I was going to wait to see if she contacts me this week. My wedding is a month away. I am trying to be a good friend here, I just don't know how to handle this situation.....

Not sure how to handle this situation...

Wow this is a really tough situation. You should just tell her that you know she's going through a lot of stuff right now and that you don't want to add any extra stress or pressure on her. She might still get upset but just let her know that your friendship means a lot and you still want her to be a part of your day but as a guest so she can relax and have fun without the added responsibility of being in the bridal party. But did she already get her dress? If she did I can see that being a problem as well. Good luck keep us posted.

Re: Not sure how to handle this situation...

---

Posted by CAlbanese

Wow this is a really tough situation. You should just tell her that you know she's going through a lot of stuff right now and that you don't want to add any extra stress or pressure on her. She might still get upset but just let her know that your friendship means a lot and you still want her to be a part of your day but as a guest so she can relax and have fun without the added responsibility of being in the bridal party. But did she already get her dress? If she did I can see that being a problem as well. Good luck keep us posted.

---

So tough...She did get her dress already...

Not sure how to handle this situation...

Ugh I'm so sorry you're going through this. I agree with calbanese.. I would talk to her about it and leave it up to her and let her know that once she makes a decision, there's no turning back. If she wants to be in the wedding party, she has to show up, put her big girl panties on, and slap a smile on her face for the whole day. This should be the best day of your life and you shouldn't have to stress about anyone, especially your matron of honor, ruining it.

Not sure how to handle this situation...

Although I am sorry she is going through a rough time, despite her getting cheated, she doesn't sound like the world's greatest friend. I think you should absolutely talk to her or you may look back and have regrets, especially when looking back on pictures with her in it.

Re: Not sure how to handle this situation...

---

Posted by coffeeisgreen

Although I am sorry she is going through a rough time, despite her getting cheated, she doesn't sound like the world's greatest friend. I think you should absolutely talk to her or you may look back and have regrets, especially when looking back on pictures with her in it.

---

I feel the same way. It's horrible that she's going through a rough time, and I feel for her, but at the same time, prior to this, she could have been there for you more. No situation is perfect, but as your MOH she could have found a way to make it work. You need to talk to her, and explain how you feel otherwise you are going to over stress yourself out and you may start resenting her.

Not sure how to handle this situation...

You guys are right. I already feel the resentment kicking in because I did try and talk to her about how she really wasn't there for me and how she hurt me. But, all she said is that I don't understand how busy she is, and that she feels like she is getting 'ganged up on about the wedding and her not caring' she keeps trying to put the blame on me...and then she said that she feels like she can't see anyone happy right now. I feel like my brain is telling me to tell her get out, but my heart sympathizes with her, and i don't want to believe this is happening...

Not sure how to handle this situation...

This is going to be your day, do what makes you and FH happy.

Re: Not sure how to handle this situation...

It's unfortunate she is going through this, but if I was in your shoes and had been dealing with the way she's been treating you, hearing her say she can't see anybody be happy right now would be the deal breaker. The person you have as your MOH should be standing up there with you supporting you and be one of the happiest people there for you. Unfortunately I think you know what needs to be done. I don't think your friendship will turn out much differently should you keep her as MOH out of sympathy, especially when she clearly has none for you. Maybe have one final conversation with her to give her a chance to remove herself from the BP. If you take her out be prepared for her to possibly not show at all for your wedding. It's unfortunate but you deserve to have an amazing day without a Debbie Downer as your MOH.Good luck with whatever you decide.

Not sure how to handle this situation...

I am so sorry you are going through this. I went through the exact same thing with my MOH (we have been friends for over 15 years) I had just moved in with my boyfriend and her and her husband were going through a real bad patch in their marriage. I even helped her move out into an aprtment with a girlfriend of hers. It was heartbreaking because I never saw this coming and it hurt to see my friend so broken. I was constantly calling her, checking in on her, went over for her bday and played catch up. I got engaged and that was it. She was upset that I did not reach out to her about my engagement but I tried explaining to her I did not reach out to anybody. My FH spoke to my father for my hand in marriage and spoke to my friends that made an effort to get to know my FH. Since I have been engaged, I have yet to see her. She made a big deal about me not reaching out to her via text and I was not going to have a conversation such as this via text. Everytime I would make a date to meet, she couldn't or she had something to do, etc. However on facebook she is at this club or this bar, this restaurant with her friends and I let it go. She then asked who was in my bridal party (via text, never a phone call) and I told her obviously she was my MOH. I nver mentioned anything to her because I did not know how to address the topic with all what she was going through in her marriage. I then asked her if she would like to come with me to look for my dress and was told I have to give her plenty of notice ahead of time as she has a lot going on. We were suppose to meet up several times and it was always something, she said she was going to call and she never did and when I would reach out to her again it was always something. I had to make a really tough decision and decided on not having her as my MOH. I never thought she would not be standing by my side on such a special day however, I wanted her to focus on herself and her son. I think with the planning of my wedding and the coming to an end of hers might have been too much for her and I totally understand. She seemed more than ok with it and almost seemed relieved that she did not have to partake in it and told me that she would love to be there. Long story short, I have not seen her since I went over to her house for her birthday (which was 3 weeks before I got engaged) I know how she feels because my parents divorced and it was not easy at all. Through it all I have been very supportive and present in her life despite whatever may have been happening in mine (good or bad). Unfortunately, with the tables turned she has been non-existant. I personally feel you need to definitely have a talk with her. This must be extremely difficult for her and I am sure you are very understanding about her situation however, I feel she is not being fair to you. Unfortunately she has to put her feelings aside with what she is going through in her life so she can be present in yours and that may be too hard for her to do at this time. I would have a convo with her and see where she stands and with all that she is going through can she be there for you on your special day. Again so sorry you are going through this. Big hug and definitely keep us posted. Sorry for such a long post but I totally understand where you are coming from. You have to remember you want to surround yourself with those that are genuinely going to be happy for you on YOUR DAY despite what may be going on in theirs. =/

Re: Not sure how to handle this situation...

---

Posted by karebear1

You guys are right. I already feel the resentment kicking in because I did try and talk to her about how she really wasn't there for me and how she hurt me. But, all she said is that I don't understand how busy she is, and that she feels like she is getting 'ganged up on about the wedding and her not caring' she keeps trying to put the blame on me...and then she said that she feels like she can't see anyone happy right now. I feel like my brain is telling me to tell her get out, but my heart sympathizes with her, and i don't want to believe this is happening...

---

Listen, this is your day. It is a super tough situation to be in. I think what you need to try to do is sit down and have a heart to heart with her or write her a letter expressing your feelings. I was in a similar situation and it didn't end well. The other person kept turning everything around on me and that it was all my fault. I was never given the opportunity to truly express my feelings and how I felt. Find a way to get it across to her, if not this is your day, do what makes you happy. Go with your gut! Good Luck! Keep us posted

Re: Not sure how to handle this situation...

---

Posted by DebOst

---

Posted by karebear1

You guys are right. I already feel the resentment kicking in because I did try and talk to her about how she really wasn't there for me and how she hurt me. But, all she said is that I don't understand how busy she is, and that she feels like she is getting 'ganged up on about the wedding and her not caring' she keeps trying to put the blame on me...and then she said that she feels like she can't see anyone happy right now. I feel like my brain is telling me to tell her get out, but my heart sympathizes with her, and i don't want to believe this is happening...

---

Listen, this is your day. It is a super tough situation to be in. I think what you need to try to do is sit down and have a heart to heart with her or write her a letter expressing your feelings. I was in a similar situation and it didn't end well. The other person kept turning everything around on me and that it was all my fault. I was never given the opportunity to truly express my feelings and how I felt. Find a way to get it across to her, if not this is your day, do what makes you happy. Go with your gut! Good Luck! Keep us
posted

---