Not sure where to post this but...

My DH and I would love to have another baby now, but unfortunately because of our finances we can't. I have always wanted to have a second child with around 2 years apart. Well, that time is pretty much coming and going. There is just absolutely no way we'd be able to handle it financially... well with daycare. Anyway, I'm having a very difficult time accepting that it will probably be a while before we can TTC #2. It's upsetting me ALOT! I just don't know how to accept it? I feel crushed because we can't continue our family because of money issues. It's just always about money, you know? It's just not fair! We work really hard, try to do the right things, we're good people, etc., and you think things would work out. It's just the opposite, everything just keeps going wrong. I'm not looking for sympathy or anything, but just needed some opinions on how I can convince myself that waiting isn't such a bad thing? I just can't seem to accept that we'll probably have to wait!

I know I'm very lucky to have a healthy, gorgeous baby, and we're blessed to have him in our lives. I know there are so many women on these boards that are having a difficult time getting PG, or sustaining a PG, and my heart goes out to them. That has always been my biggest fear. Either not being able to get PG, taking really long or having a MC. I do wish you all the best! You are all so strong!

It's just that after you have one, you can't wait to have another! Well, for me anyway! Having to wait is just so hard!

Don't think of it as having to wait -- think of it as having more time alone with your son now during these precious years! Think of it has not having to take away any attention from him just yet.

Me and my brother are 6 years apart (he's younger) and we are VERY close. Since I was already 6 when he was born, I was able to change his diapers, watch him grow up... etc. I really was able to appreciate him as a baby and I just adored him when he was baby. Granted, things changed for a little while later on and he became the 'annoying little brother' until I got older, but I ALWAYS took care of him and looked out for him.

Just one of the pluses of spacing your children out.

Sorry. Money issues stink but somehow it will all work out when the time is right.

Melissa, I totally can relate to your situation.

Amber is eight months old and I really thought prior to marriage I would have my second before the first one turned two. That is, in an 'ideal world'. The reality is that my Mom is watching the baby (due to financial reasons and the lack of decent childcare), her health is fading and there is no way (short of turning over a bank, hitting the lotto or having a rich old relative die and leave me his entire fortune) that we will be able to afford another one any time soon. Daycare would crush us and there is no possible way for me to be a SAHM. Heck, I'm working two jobs and I still can't get ahead. The harder I work, the more we seem to fall further and further behind. I feel like I'm forever chasing my tail and playing 'financial' games to make the bills. I'm starting Real Estate school at night in a few weeks and now I'll really be spread super thin. I feel so bad when I have to leave my crying baby (with arms outstretched for me) every day, only to come home and see her for a short while before she falls to sleep, but what can I do?? I keep telling myself I'm working this hard for her future, but if I can't give her a decent future working as hard as I do, how am I going to give another baby anything?? Time or money wise??? I know it's incredibly unfair that we work so hard, try to do right in the world, and then there are those who work the system; have more and more children to milk additional funding out of welfare programs and then provide those children with less than the bare essentials (look at all the recent cases of starvation, abuse, etc.). I feel like I'm being deprived of the family I want to support the family who doesn't deserve it. It's so unfair.

I can imagine how you feel, DH and I are waiting to have the first one, and i think it is so unfair...I am so ready now to have one, but we have another year and a half to wait. It scares me that most divorces stem from money problems...so I am willing to avoid that at all costs. Are there going to be any financial changes to your family in the next year? maybe promotions or something?

ambersmom - It feels horrible doesn't it? My DH works 2 jobs, I work FT, Caiden is in Daycare FT, we can't pay the bills whether I work or be a SAHM. It's really not fair. We just don't make enough money! My DH really should be making A LOT more for what he does, but where he works, they don't pay much. He's been at the same job for over 4 years and only got a $2,000 raise total. We both work at a well respected University here in NC and he's in IT, but yet they don't want to pay. Also, neither of us have degrees since we couldn't afford to go to college. So that's hurting us now too! My DH needs to get certifications, but when they're over $1,500, how do you afford that? I'll never make good money. I just do office work. I just don't know how to make our $ situation better. I'm trying and trying to come up with ways to make it happen, but there doesn't seem to be a solution.

janice - We just started looking for another job for my DH, but that could take a LONG time. It's scary because we don't make a lot of money, but yet you don't want to lose the job security at the same time. But right now, we have to try to get more money. Let's just hope we find something sooner than later!

You're right with money stress causing problems in marriages. My DH and I have been together 11.5 years, and we've never had financial problems until this past year. Let's just say we are so stressed out and we've been taking it out on each other. It's horrible. I know we love each other so much, but the stress from it all overcomes most of the time! We're hoping we can get back on our feet, and actually be able to have some extra money every month. Right now, we're behind in bills and living paycheck to paycheck. SU@KS!

Thanks for the replies! to all of you!

I've actually been thinking about it... but I was worried that after looking after other kids, I'd be too tired for my own?

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Posted by JimmysBride

Don't think of it as having to wait -- think of it as having more time alone with your son now during these precious years! Think of it has not having to take away any attention from him just yet.

Me and my brother are 6 years apart (he's younger) and we are VERY close. Since I was already 6 when he was born, I was able to change his diapers, watch him grow up... etc. I really was able to appreciate him as a baby and I just adored him when he was baby. Granted, things changed for a little while later on and he became the 'annoying little brother' until I got older, but I ALWAYS took care of him and looked out for him.

Just one of the pluses of spacing your children out.

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Same here, me and brother are 7 years apart and Im pretty sure for financial reasons my parents spaced us that way, they were able to give me lots of attention when I was a kid and anything I needed. I was a mommys little helper when my brother was born and now Im like his big sister/second mom since my mom passed away. So its not so bad to space your children esp if you are able to do it physically.
Imo I wouldnt put yourself in a finacial hiatus- it could ruin the family Ive seen it happen too many times.

Omg, are we living the same life? the only difference with me is that I'm a sahm for now but things are not looking up either because my husband's income is not really enough and we have been very tight ever since I stopped working.

For me the biggest dilemma I have Is that I want to stay with my daughter but I just don't see how is that going to be possible if he doesn't get a better job and he doesn't have a college degree either and it's planning to go back. In my case, I started but I have to yet finish and I don't know when or how. It's really frustating and I'm trying to be strong and have faith but It's really hard.

Melissa I am sorry for what you are going through, I am in a similar situation as JimmysBride...my brother and I are 5 years apart - and very close. My mother also loves to share stories about how I helped take care of him since I was already 5 when he was born.


Have you thought about seeing a financial counselor - or advisor - they may have some more creative ways for you to pay your bills and sock away some money - sometimes its easier for an outsider to see how we can save a little.

Now that I am preggo I am trying to figure out a way I can be a stay at home mom - It's hard - but I have to keep telling myself - where there is a will there is a way. Positive thinking helps when you are feeling down and out. Brainstorm though - what else are you good at? Is there anything you can do on the side that is fun that you can make some extra money doing - try to look at things a little differently....and good luck!!

I know how you feel also, I've waited so long to have another - my son will be 7 next month and he has been asking me forever for a brother or a sister. I always dreamed of having my children close in age, but when my son 'happened' - it wasn't planned.
So unfortunately - I had to wait until I found the 'right' person to fall in love with and marry, and its taken longer than expected but here I am finally gonna have another and they will be 7 1/2 years apart.
So - I guess my point is life throws you all sorts of curves, but you gotta just go with it.
There would be no way I could afford 2 in daycare either. It ***** that everything has to cost an arm an a leg!

I totally understand where you are coming from. My children are 5 years apart because we couldn't afford 2 in daycare AND I get a discount from my job. My dh makes less than me and I have the medical at my job and 401K so I could not quit my job anytime soon! I know how to budget money and there is just nothing left to save at the end of the month. We are lucky if we save $60/month if we have no bday parties that month!
Waiting isn't that bad when you know that the time will come when you will be able to provide for another child without stressing out.
Good Luck!

Melissa- if you and your husband work for a university then he should qualify for low-cost tution. Have you looked into financial aid? That can really help someone in your or DH's situation go to a community college. And DH should be looking for a higher paying job...yes security is VERY important so he should not go to work for a small start up, but there are MANY solid organizations that have openings. Also, debt considalation maybe something that would help you. DO NOT go to one of those 'we fix it all' places but there are non-profit organziations that can help you with bills. Or have you considered moving back to NY where IT jobs might pay better. I am sure you could get an office job here as well.

About having a 2nd child...I think it is great that you are thinking about the financial consquences before having a 2nd child Melissa. Yes, it is hard and I know how badly you want another baby but also think about this...you are giving Caiden everything you can right now. Think about how much you are enjoying him and all of his milestones. I can't imagine you working full-time AND having 2 in daycare plus your husband working 2 jobs...wow that would be a lot for any women to deal with. Maybe you or DH can go to college and then once you get a bit stronger you can have another baby.

You are doing what is best for your family Melissa. That should make you PROUD!!

I agree with the last post and how hard it is with 2 kids. I have 2, work fulltime and my dh was working 2 jobs last year and it was extremely HARD dropping off and picking up 2 kids everyday and taking care of them. He worked part time 3 nights a week and I dreaded those days. I was totally exhausted.

About running your own daycare....do you have a house or an apartment? There are State Laws and certifications that you need to follow. You should not just watch kids without those protections. If the child is hurt or gets sick in your home and you are not properly licensed you could be sued or have other issues with the state agencies.
But if you have a good friend who would want you to watch his/her child and they would sign a legal waiver than it might not be a bad idea Melissa. You might actually make more money this way...of course, you can't have sick days and your vacations would have to be planned with the other family, but saving the cost of daycare and adding that to your earnings might make good financial sense. I still don't think TTC#2 in that situation is a good idea since you would still not be in a good financial situtation but it might make you happier for now.

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Posted by michele31

About running your own daycare....do you have a house or an apartment? There are State Laws and certifications that you need to follow. You should not just watch kids without those protections. If the child is hurt or gets sick in your home and you are not properly licensed you could be sued or have other issues with the state agencies.
But if you have a good friend who would want you to watch his/her child and they would sign a legal waiver than it might not be a bad idea Melissa. You might actually make more money this way...of course, you can't have sick days and your vacations would have to be planned with the other family, but saving the cost of daycare and adding that to your earnings might make good financial sense. I still don't think TTC#2 in that situation is a good idea since you would still not be in a good financial situtation but it might make you happier for now.

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This is what Im going to be doing and I think its great if you know someone close with a child. Im going to be watching my sil child for 600$ per month. It saves her tons of money and her child will be cared for as if it were my own child and I would be able to afford to stay home. Like Michele said though you are liable so you need to make sure that you check out the legal aspects of this before going foward.