Not wedding related need advice and suggestions...

cw0904 Posted: Jun 16, 2002 12:24 PM

Not wedding related need advice and suggestions...

Anyone know what is the procedure on filing for child custody and who would qualify? I know the system is very iffy on what qualifies or not. FH's sister mentally abuses her son and is never there for him unless she has to look like a mother, which is in front of others not including her immediate family. I wish it were much easier to get the son out of her control and she uses him against others. She has threatened to not allow her parents and brother to see him if they kept complaining to her about her behavior. She is horrible and tears come to my eyes when I hear her yelling at him for no legitimate reason. Sometimes I want to run up the stairs and scream at her, but then I feel I am not in the place to speak my mind. Any advice or recommendations to see a laywer would help. FH and I have been thinking about trying to get custody b/c his parents are pretty old and they have aged tremendously b/c of FH's sister. The worst part and what kills me the most is we strongly believe that if we bring this up to her and explain to her in nice terms she may consider giving up custody of him b/c he is in her way from allowing her to do what she pleases in her life. He is never included in any of her plans anyway. BUT she would probably hold out b/c she would not want to be seen as a bad mother from her extended family and others. What everyone else says is more important to her then what her immediate family thinks. One day it will come right back in her face and she will be slapped with reality. Thanks all for listening but writing this all out has got me thinking more and more...

JennK Posted: Jun 16, 2002 12:36 PM

Re: Not wedding related need advice and suggestions...

Wow, that sounds like a really tough situation. I really feel bad for the little boy. If you and your FH are serious about possibly getting custody, you should definitely consult a lawyer and find out what your options are. After that, I would suggest talking with his sister before you start any legal precedings. With a situation of this magnitude, you dont want to start something that could become a life long fued in the family. And even though she sounds like a bad mother, it still is her son.
Good luck with this, I hope it all works out for everybody in the end.

cooky11111 Posted: Jun 16, 2002 01:23 PM

Re: Not wedding related need advice and suggestions...

I am not 100% sure, but I was a foster mother for awhile and i think you first either have to have her consent or you have to report her. Then they take the child into fostercare and then you can be a relative foster parent which means you can keep the child until she gets help or gives you custody and if she doens't get help in a certain amount of time you get custody. Otherwise I don't just think you can get custody with out her consent. Hope that helps.

brooke Posted: Jun 16, 2002 04:48 PM

Re: Not wedding related need advice and suggestions...

I hate to say this, but unless his mother's an ax-murderer it's almost impossible for a mother to lose custody. But I feel badly for you because it makes me so mad to see children treated badly, I would have to butt in. Eventually, he'll be old enough to figure out on his own he wants to spend as little time with her as possible, and things will get better for him.

cw0904 Posted: Jun 16, 2002 05:00 PM

Re: Not wedding related need advice and suggestions...

Thanks for the suggestions guys. But I know its nearly impossible for us to even try since she hasn't done any physical harm to him except mentally ruin his life. He spends more time with his grandmother and alone than with his own mother. She closes the door of her bedroom every night and doesn't spend time with him or take a day of the weekend and do things with him. This is b/c she sleeps all day, hung over from the night before and is getting well rested for the next night. There are so many stories about this girl that each one when I see or hear about it from FH doesn't surprise me. Her son is scared of her and I can see it and hear it in him. Eventually he will grow to hate her and this is so unfortunate b/c she was not raised this way or taught to treat children this way. Her mother is not this way at all. All she does is keep an eye on her grand child b/c she is scared to see where he may end up if she doesn't watch him. I knew there was a problem when I heard the enthusiasm in his voice when he heard me or saw me in the house. He doesn't do that with his own mother and that was 4 years ago. It is still that way now. I hope for his benefit she may change but we will only see... Thanks again everyone.

Sonicstef Posted: Jun 16, 2002 06:16 PM

Re: Not wedding related need advice and suggestions...

I am not a lawyer but know some people who have gone through the family courts and I will tell you this:

a) Getting custody will be near impossible if she protests.

b) If you report her to child welfare, and child welfare finds her to be an unfit mother, they may put the child into foster care. They will probably NOT give the child to you because of your relationship with the mother.

c) A child being uprooted into these circumstances can sometimes do more harm than good. Please be 100% sure that this boy is not better off with his mother than in a foster care home. Once you report her, you will not be able to take it back. It will be out of your hands.

cw0904 Posted: Jun 16, 2002 08:09 PM

Re: Not wedding related need advice and suggestions...

Sonicstef-We would rather have the child away from her than to see him with her and be a very very unhappy and unloved boy. It is really bad. I can't begin to explain what she does and doesn't do. Let me just sum it up by saying any person who wants to have a child would be disgusted at her behavior to a boy she has carried for 9 months and has not shown affection, support or encouragement to. Instead she degrades, yells, insults and speaks to him like he is garbage. She really has a mental problem with her verbal actions.

I know that FH will not allow his nephew to leave him if it was a choice. He can really pass as his dad b/c he has been with the boy since he was born. One day someone will tell her about herself and she just might wake up and realize all the pain she has caused to everyone. Thank you for your advice.

michele31 Posted: Jun 16, 2002 08:20 PM

Re: Not wedding related need advice and suggestions...

I suggest that you call Child Welfare and just discuss the situation. But be warned, the mother could just easily move or forbid you all to see him if she finds out you called. But if the situation is that bad, you need to protect the child. Perhaps you can offer to take him for a weekend, to let you have a break. At least he will have a few nice days with you. You might be able to call a lawyer for advise, but a custody battle will cost mega bucks.

cooky11111 Posted: Jun 16, 2002 08:35 PM

Re: Not wedding related need advice and suggestions...

I am pretty sure that if you report her and the child goes into fostercare, you can take your fostercare classes and get the child at least temp Custody. When I was in classes to be a foster mom there were a bunch of relatives taking the class so they can get there nephew, nieces, grandchildren, etc.....