NWR: How do you tell someone

that they are dangerously overweight? I have a friend who is pushing about 250 lbs, and it's effecting her health. I feel terrible, but I feel like I need to confront her. She cant climb a flight of stairs without becoming winded. She overeats wherever she is, and to be quite honest, she makes a glutton of herself. I just dont know how to approach her. If she keeps eating the way she is, she is going to die of a heart attack. Theres nothing genetically wrong with her, no thyroid issues, etc. She just eats like an animal, gets no excercise, and see's nothing wrong with being so overweight.


HELP!

How close are you? If you are really close, maybe you can just level with her, tell her how much you love her, and you aren't concerned about how she looks, but her health means a lot to you...

Also - does she ever mention how she feels about herself in any way? That may give you an in... Also, does she ever just tell you she's tired, or run down? That may be an in to suggest some healthy ways of eating....

could you tell her for new years you want to start walking on weekends, and could she join you because you don't want to do it alone? Could you join a gym together?

Maybe there is something more going on - if she is stuffing herself, there are some unresolved issues on her end... Is she married? Could you talk to her husband/partner/other friends?

It's a shame we can't do an intervention for something like this - such a touchy issue - good luck - keep me posted!

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Posted by lipglossjunky73

It's a shame we can't do an intervention for something like this - such a touchy issue - good luck - keep me posted!

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Speaking as someone who was 'dangerously overweight' herself with borderline diabetes, high cholesterol and severe joint pain, my answer would be 'keep your mouth closed'. Interventions for weight loss make the problem worse. They don't grant people epiphanies where they say 'Gee thanks, I didnt know I was heavy and sick.' (I didnt mean that to sound snotty but thats how it is.)


I was 260 pounds at 31 years old. I wore a size 24. I knew I was overweight and nothing anyone told me, whether it be family member, friend, or FAT JOKE could get me to lose weight until I was mentally ready. She KNOWS she's heavy. If she is 250, she shops plus-size departments and stores like I used to. She doesn't need reminders from friends. It can often make people feel worse and eat more despite the best of intentions. The best thing you can do is support any effort she tries on her own and be there for her and be sensitive.

People eat in gluttonous ways for many reasons that may not make sense to the average person. They copy what they see - modeling from parent's behaviors. They may hoard food for reasons dating back to a childhood that lacked any food so whenever it WAS there, it was gobbled rather than savored. It is not always cut and dry. I assure you.

This is a very tough subject to bring up to someone. I have a friend who was severly overweight - about 325 lbs and only 5'3'. She had gastric bypass a few years ago, lost 100 lbs without really trying and then ended up gaining 50 back. It kills me that she gained the weight back after going through so much with the surgery. She did not have an easy recovery and just recently was in the hospital with complications with her gall bladder and kidneys, that the doctors think was an after effect of the surgery that took place 3 years ago. Sooo...the whole reason I am saying this is, overweight people know they are overweight - but it is incredibly hard to change bad habits. I am not thin and I know that sometimes I eat too much, but the funny thing is, I acknowledge that I'm eating too much. I swear to you it's an addiction. An example is a smoker knows they shouldn't be smoking, but they just can't seem to stop.

Did any of this make sense??

My mom is that heavy and we have tried everything to help her. If someone is that overweight, they are well aware of the dangers associated with their weight. Unfortunately, as painful as it is to watch someone you care for hurt themselves, there is really nothing you can do but be there for her.

If there is no physical reason for it the most likely cause is some form of mental trauma. If you tell her that she is overweight and you are worried it will most likely just hurt her more. She is more likely to eat more rather then less from any confrontation on the matter.

You may want to make plans with her that do not involve eating out so, you do not feel like you are contributing to the problem.

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Posted by Blu-ize

Unfortunately she has to be ready to lose the weight. Nothing you will say will make her do it.

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I agree.

She gets winded climbing a small flight of stairs, she eats like she is going to the electric chair, and her cholesterol is through the roof. But, I guess you guys are right, nothing I can say without either offending her, or her hating me for it. I just hope she realizes that she needs to do something about it before she either has a heart attack, or something awful.

I know it is terrible of me, but I have no sympathy for her, only care about her well being. If she can stand to feel un-healthy, then she is the one who has to live with it.

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Posted by nygirl77

This is a very tough subject to bring up to someone. I have a friend who was severly overweight - about 325 lbs and only 5'3'. She had gastric bypass a few years ago, lost 100 lbs without really trying and then ended up gaining 50 back. It kills me that she gained the weight back after going through so much with the surgery. She did not have an easy recovery and just recently was in the hospital with complications with her gall bladder and kidneys, that the doctors think was an after effect of the surgery that took place 3 years ago. Sooo...the whole reason I am saying this is, overweight people know they are overweight - but it is incredibly hard to change bad habits. I am not thin and I know that sometimes I eat too much, but the funny thing is, I acknowledge that I'm eating too much. I swear to you it's an addiction. An example is a smoker knows they shouldn't be smoking, but they just can't seem to stop.

Did any of this make sense??

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It makes very GOOD sense. Allow me to share my experience if you will. - ITS LONG SORRY!

I lost weight through the help of (but not because of) gastric bypass surgery that I had almost 3 1/2 years ago. It is a very serious surgery and a TOOL to help put morbidly obese people on an even playing field in the world of weight loss. HOWEVER, the weight loss is NOT without effort. I spent three days a week for 2 hours at a time in the gym working with a trainer in order to help change a very destructive lifestyle. Just as eating and activity habits of people are LEARNED, so is the changing of these habits. I had to do the opposite of what got me to 260 pounds in order to make it a success. My hard work paid off TEN FOLD as I have not gained one ounce back - neither did my sister who had it 6 months after me or my cousin who had it 6 months after my sister. There is obviously a genetic predisposition to obesity in my family as well as learned behaviors which contributed to many of my pre-surgical health issues. To this day, I still struggle with those demons.

Not everyone who has gastric bypass is ready to make a commitment to the necessary lifestyle change that comes afterwards. It is also not that easy to gain the weight back and people who do are often eating the wrong things. When you eat densely caloric foods that are easily digested, you can and will more than likely gain the weight back. For example, a gastric bypass patient can eat a bag of potato chips with great ease but may get stuffed eating carrots and broccoli because they take up more space in the pouch and is QUITE uncomfortable. By virtue of the fact that you can simply ingest more potato chips than carrots, and if a person does that EVERY DAY, they will gain weight back. The surgery didn't fail them. They may have failed the surgery. People who do that may NOT have been ready to make that commitment to weight loss. THOSE MAY be the people who want a quick fix and make it difficult for people who really need ithe procedure to have it through their insurance companies.

As far as the gall bladder and kidneys go, some 30% of WLS patients will require gall bladder removal surgery after gastric bypass. The massive weight-loss and the high protein diet patients have, can contribute to the forming of gall stones. Removing the gall bladder during the bypass, which seems to make sense since so many people live without them, adds to the risk of the surgery and only makes sense if there was evidence of existing gall bladder problems. 70% of patients won't develop problems so it is not medically advisable to remove an organ that is fine but 'might' have problems later. Gall bladders are removed laparoscopically - as easily as a gastric bypass surgery can be performed.

IM GETTING TO MY POINT NOW! (I think )

My surgeon requires all of his patients to have a full medical work up as well as a psychological exam. The medical included an EKG, bloods as well as an upper GI -(I can attest this is NASTY). The psychological exam, IMO, was equally as important as the physical, to making sure I was of sound mind before diving into something I may not have been ready for. This is not a reversible procedure. I know a few people who were refused by therapists because they failed to pass the psychological. It is not advisable to have an irreversible procedure when one isnt ready.

I am sooooo sorry for the rant. I just wanted to show that despite the surgical advantages to gastric bypass, it is by no means a guarantee to last forever UNLESS a person is willing to make changes. The same goes for people who try to lose weight through more conventional methods. If a person doesnt change their behaviors, they won't lose and maintain a weight loss. This is why 95% of people who have significant weight loss gain their weight back.

Great points...

I used to be around 200 at 5'5 - not as large as some of you ladies are talking aboit, but definitely no light weight...

whenever I asked people if I looked heavy, they would tell me no (I was about a size 16-18) I looked great - I am proportionate, but still - I felt heavy - I was looking for their support to help me lose weight...

I decided not to rely on other people's opinions - realized I was asking because I didn't like what I saw in the mirror....

If you see the before and after pics in slim down - I was about 160 there, maybe 170 - I gained weight after a hard time in my life after going down to about 130 from a healthy lifestyle... I know what I did to lose the weight, and I know what I did to gain it...

I finally re-lost the 30 pounds after 2 years (i work slow and healthy)

people compliment me all the time - the same people who told me I looked great when I was heavy - I know they mean well, but it hurt me that they never encouraged me to lose the weight...

I guess I did it on my own - who knows what would have happened if I had people nagging me, but still...

Good luck, in any case!

Has your friend ever talked to you about her weight? If she has done so even once, you already know that she is aware of it and you can leave it at that. If you notice her being winded, maybe suggest exercise without talking about diet???

As for gastric bypass, I know someone who had what is called the 'rubberband surgery.' I am not very familiar with the types of surgery and didn't talk to her about it but she lost a little bit of weight and then gained it back. She didn't make any effort to change her eating habits. I also know of 2 other people besides Leslie who did great with bypass surgery. One of them told me that she was required, by her doctor, to go on a diet and lose some weight before the surgery, to show her commitment to change.

I now have 30-35 lbs to lose and I get joint pain. I was wondering if some of you think that being 35 lbs overweight can contribute to joint pain the way that being 50-100 lbs overweight can.

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Posted by Kris77

She gets winded climbing a small flight of stairs, she eats like she is going to the electric chair, and her cholesterol is through the roof. But, I guess you guys are right, nothing I can say without either offending her, or her hating me for it. I just hope she realizes that she needs to do something about it before she either has a heart attack, or something awful.

I know it is terrible of me, but I have no sympathy for her, only care about her well being. If she can stand to feel un-healthy, then she is the one who has to live with it.

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I think you should have at least some empathy. She may be trying more than you realize. I am sure she doesn't want to be unhealthy. You have to understand that it is a psychological disorder. She is probably a cumpulsive overeater. Would you be mad at someone because they had a learning disability or any other mental disability. It is the same thing.

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Posted by Kris77
I know it is terrible of me, but I have no sympathy for her, only care about her well being. If she can stand to feel un-healthy, then she is the one who has to live with it.

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I hope this is just your frustration at the situation talking and you really do not really feel this way. Because if you do trully feel this way, your attitude toward her is just another contributing factor to the problem. I am sure she is an intelligent woman and can pick up on your negativeity.

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Posted by Jackie&Justin

I agree totally with Goldi. Do NOT mention it, it will just hurt her feelings and make her eat more. Take it from someone who is overweight and trying to lose weight. She knows she is overweight, and doesn't need a skinny friend to remind her of it. I am sure she is not happy with herself, but she is the only one who can change that. If you want to be a friend, maybe go walking with her or when you go out to eat chose healthy places like Proportions. That is really all you can do.

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Is proportions still around??? I used to go there like over 10 years ago!!!

Great salads!!!

Where is it located?

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Posted by ssdbk



I now have 30-35 lbs to lose and I get joint pain. I was wondering if some of you think that being 35 lbs overweight can contribute to joint pain the way that being 50-100 lbs overweight can.

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absolutely!!!!

When I was 30 pounds heavier, I began having some serious problems with my joints!!! I was getting very concerned - but as soon as I lost only 15 pounds, the pain went away... good luck - you can do it!!!